by Selena Kitt
“That’s amazing.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’re amazing.”
He leaned in and kissed me, soft and tender and oh, so sweet. I knew then that he was going to let me go. He would let me pursue this dream, even if it meant doing it without him.
“Are you going to do it?” he asked softly, twirling a bit of my hair around his finger.
“I don’t know.” I whispered the words, the truth.
I really didn’t know. Yes, I wanted it—but I wanted Rob, too. I realized suddenly, faced with a new alternative, that I wanted exactly what he wanted—to go out on the road with Trouble, to play and sing with Rob. But that wasn’t possible, and we both knew it. Still, he was my everything, and I didn’t want to be apart, not for so long. Would he resent me, even if he swore he wouldn’t? Would our relationship, so new in the scheme of things, be able to weather the time and distance apart? Was it worth it, leaving my husband, even if it was just for a few months, to pursue this once-in-a-lifetime dream?
I just didn’t know.
Chapter Five
My husband wasn’t happy and there was nothing I could do about it. I sat and watched him from the balcony overlooking our pool. I saw him put on a happy face, teasing Sarah, the birthday girl, laughing at her response, but I knew him better than anyone. It was just an act. Tyler moving out had been a blow, but Sarah moving out was going to be devastating. Maybe it was because Tyler was his bandmate—he saw Tyler, sometimes, more than he saw me. But once Sarah moved out, there would be no regular contact, no more casual TV nights, no more late-night swims in the cool air around the infinity pool.
“Twenty-one!” Tyler came up behind Sarah, lifting her into his arms and swinging her around, her long, dark hair following like a thick, black ribbon.
In light of Sarah’s drug of choice, there was no alcohol at this twenty-one-year-old’s party. Daisy had put out bottles of sparkling grape juice and of course soda, but even Rob had forgone his usual glass of wine tonight. There was no sense tempting her on a day most twenty-one-year-olds spent celebrating by drinking until they puked.
Instead, there was plenty of food, a house full of people and a band playing out on the patio—Rob had gotten Indigo Girls to agree to come by and play later, Sarah’s all-time favorite girl group, although she didn’t know it yet. The infinity pool that ran around the entire length of the house was full of bodies and cars lined our long, lighted driveway. Rob had hired valets to park them on the perfectly landscaped lawn.
I would bet that Sarah didn’t know half the people there, although her friends from school, a close-knit group of girls who still had another year before they graduated, unlike our ambitious, overachieving little Sarah, seemed star struck by the spectacle. I didn’t blame them. I’d met only one of them before. Anne was a tall, gangly sort of girl with a ton of piercings and tattoos who liked to clomp around the house in motorcycle boots. She was the only one who seemed nonchalant about the whole thing, sitting in one of the patio chairs with a Coke in her hand, watching Sarah’s interaction with Tyler and Rob.
I was too far away to hear what they were talking about from my perch up on the balcony, but they were all laughing. I wasn’t too far away to see the look in Rob’s eyes though. There was a sadness there I wished I could take away, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sarah had made up her mind, had finally announced not only her intention to move out, but her plan, already in place. She and Anne had rented an apartment and would be roommates, splitting an exorbitant L.A. rent for a tiny three-bedroom place.
“Sabrina?”
I turned at the sound of my name, smiling at Celeste standing at my bedroom door, her hand poised to knock. I waved her into the room and she joined me out on the balcony, leaning against the railing and looking down at the party below.
“He wants her to stay,” I told Celeste, although it wasn’t anything she didn’t already know. Rob had enlisted everyone, from Celeste to Jesse to Daisy to me, in his attempt to persuade Sarah from moving out.
“She won’t.” Celeste shook her head. “Not now.”
“Not now?” I glanced at her, raising my eyebrows.
“Oh.” Celeste shrugged. “I just mean, you know, now that she’s graduated. She’s got to go live her own life.”
“That’s what I keep telling him.” I nodded. “He acts like he’s losing a child.”
“No, he knows what that feels like.” Celeste reached over and pulled the neckline of my dress aside to reveal a tiny inked handprint over my bullet hole scar. “And so do you. Does it still hurt?”
“The tattoo?” I glanced down at her little hand, where it would have rested if she’d been nursing. Instead I had a twisted scar, a dark memory, and nothing else. “It’s healing. But you never get over losing a child.”
Thinking of Esther still made my chest instantly tighten. I missed her so much, some days I could almost feel her still inside me, alive, kicking my navel. I could remember the weight of her, the way she waved her tiny arms and legs, how she struggled so valiantly to take a first breath. The way her dark little heart beat, so very briefly. I could see it through her translucent skin. I didn’t understand how you could love and miss someone so much who had spent so short a time in your life, but I couldn’t deny the feeling.
“So, what are you doing, hiding up here?” Celeste nudged me with her hip.
“Hiding up here.” I laughed. “To tell you the truth, I’m avoiding Arnie.”
“Is he here?”
I nodded down at the pool. “Can’t you see the moonlight shining off his bald head?”
She laughed. “So, you haven’t made up your mind?”
“I… just don’t know.” I sighed. The decision had been weighing on me, hovering over me like a storm cloud. I wanted to sing—I definitely wanted that. It was a longing in me so strong it felt as if it had a life of its own. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I’d spent years teaching little kids the joy of music, and I had loved it, but once Rob had pushed me to admit how much I wanted to perform, it was like Pandora’s box had been opened. It wasn’t a want anymore, it was a need. But Rob… the thought of leaving him was almost as painful as thinking about losing Esther. It was completely irrational, but again, I couldn’t deny the feeling.
“It feels cruel, to leave Rob now, in this big house, all by himself,” I murmured. Just thinking about it had me blinking back tears. I told myself I was being silly, and of course, Celeste reinforced that.
“I’ll be here,” she reminded me. “So will Daisy. And Jesse. And it’s not like Tyler and Katie and Sarah will be all that far away. He won’t be all alone.”
“No, I suppose not.”
“So why not go?” she urged. “It’s a fantastic opportunity.”
“I know.” I knew it was—and I knew Jimmy Voss had made it happen. He had been the proactive one—he’d asked for me, personally. For some reason, he had taken a shine to me, and I was grateful. He was opening doors for me, and all I had to do was walk through them. It was an easy decision, not really a decision at all, except for Rob…
“But I’ll miss him so much…” Damn. Stupid tears. I blinked them away.
“They say absence makes the heart grow fonder,” she reminded me, smiling. “That certainly seemed to be the case when you were in Detroit and Rob was on tour.”
“Yes.” I smiled too, remembering. Another open door I’d decided not to walk through. Rob had invited me on tour, and instead of dropping everything and running into his arms, like Katie had with Tyler, I’d stayed in my safe little teaching job, in my safe little suburban house, and I’d told him I’d wait for him. When the tour was over, we would see if we still felt the same. Of course, by the end of the tour, I knew I was pregnant, and everything had changed.
“Celeste… do you think we would have ended up together, if I hadn’t been pregnant?”
She took my shoulders and turned me to face her, looking into my eyes. She was a beautiful woman, probably ten years old
er than we were, dark hair and eyes that saw right into you. And she was one of the smartest women I knew.
“Sabrina, I’ve been with him a long time,” she told me. “And I’ve never seen him in love like this, the way he loves you. I’m not a big believer in fate and karma and all that, but… when I see the way he looks at you, it makes me want to believe in things like soul mates and love at first sight.”
“Me too.” I couldn’t help smiling. I knew she was trying to reassure me, but I still had my doubts sometimes. Things had happened so big, and so fast, it was hard to remember to breathe. “What about Catherine?’
“What about her?” Celeste’s eyes hardened. She didn’t like Catherine any more than I did—and it was no wonder. We’d both nearly been mortally wounded by her jealous rage. Celeste carried a deep scar—she’d shown it to me—a result of Catherine’s mistaken belief that Celeste was sleeping with Catherine’s then-husband. Rob hadn’t been cheating on her with Celeste, but that didn’t stop Catherine from accusing her, from going after Celeste with a knife.
“Did he look at her like that?” I asked softly, searching her eyes for the truth.
Thinking about Rob with Catherine hurt me almost as much as thinking about Esther. I could torture myself, looking at pictures of them together in old magazines, and sometimes I still did. They made a beautiful couple. She was a model—so tall and blonde and perfect. It was hard to compete with that. She looked so angelic. It was hard to believe the dark wounds festering underneath that beauty hadn’t taken over from the inside out, but Catherine had shown no outward signs of her pain. She had just turned and taken it out on everyone else—especially those who loved her.
“Catherine was… an infatuation.” Celeste sighed, turning back to lean on the balcony railing, looking down at the party below. “I admit, he idolized her, but it was more of an obsession than anything I’d call love. I think… I think he felt obligated to her.”
“Why?” I cocked my head, brow knitted.
She looked at me, lips pursed, like she was trying to figure something out.
“Catherine was puppy love for him,” she said. “You know that first time you ever feel something, how powerful it feels, like no one in the world has ever felt this way before?”
I nodded. Rob hadn’t been my first love. I’d been in love a few times before him, or so I thought. But, of course, once I met Rob, I knew what it felt like to really be in love. I’d never experienced anything like it, and I was pretty sure, if something should ever happen to him, or to us, if we somehow ended, I would never find anything like it again. It was that strong.
“But with you… I think he knows he’s finally got something real,” Celeste went on. “He put Catherine on a pedestal, but she never deserved to be there. You… you’re real to him, not some unattainable idol. And my God, if two people can go through what you’ve been through in the past year and still be as much in love as you are, well… it gives me hope, that’s all I can say.”
She smiled at me, reaching over to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear. It was a sweet, tender, motherly gesture, and even that made me want to cry. I was too much of an emotional wreck lately. I felt everything so much—too much. It was like walking around exposed, vulnerable. Even this decision, this one thing—should I or shouldn’t I go on tour without Rob—felt overwhelming.
“How are things going with Jesse?” I asked, changing the subject. It was far easier to think about other people and their problems than my own.
Celeste just smiled, a small, secret sort of smile, her gaze finding him in the crowd. He was sitting next to Anne but chatting with Daisy, who was arranging hors d'oeuvres. Just looking at all the food made my stomach growl. I’d lost fifteen pounds following the dietician’s instructions and David’s grueling workouts—much to Rob’s chagrin—and Arnie had hired someone to start taking in all my clothes to fit my new, svelte, tightly toned form.
“Are you going swimming?” I asked, glancing at the straps tied around Celeste’s neck underneath the dress she wore.
“Jesse insisted.” She rolled her eyes. “Although I drew the line at wearing a bikini. It’s one-piece suits for me from now on.”
“Does it make you self-conscious?” I asked, touching my own scar. I tried to hide mine as much as I could. The tattoo helped.
“Only in public.” Celeste shrugged. “Jesse… he doesn’t seem to mind.”
“You’re a beautiful woman,” I told her, thinking of Rob, the way he would kiss my scar, like it was a talisman, a ritual. Maybe he did it to remind himself. Every time I looked at it I felt something bittersweet—grateful to be alive, mixed with a sort of glowering anger at Catherine for what she’d done. “Do you know what Rob told me about my scar, after…?”
“What?”
“He told me this story about Japanese pottery makers. I guess they made these beautiful, intricate pots, and before they put them in the kiln, they mark each one.”
“Mark them?” She frowned. “Like, they number them?”
“No.” I shook my head. “They intentionally mark them with a flaw. Some imperfection.”
“Why?”
“Because it reminds them without flaws, beauty wouldn’t shine as bright, and that it’s their job to find heaven in imperfection. Anyway, that was the story he told me.”
“That’s beautiful.” She smiled. “Did it help?”
“Him telling it helped.” I laughed. “And… him loving me helped.”
“I think it’s the loving part that matters most.” She was looking down at Jesse.
“Yes, I think so too.”
“So, are you going to go swimming?” she asked, straightening up and turning to me with a smile.
“That was the plan.” I jerked my thumb down at the party. “As soon as Arnie decides to get out of the pool.”
“Chicken.” Celeste laughed.
“You’re right, I am a chicken.”
“You know, you’re not going to lose him because you decide to follow your dream. He only wants you to be happy,” she assured me. “That’s Rob’s biggest gift and his greatest fault.”
“Trying to make everyone happy?”
“He’d tear out his own heart if it would make someone he loved happy.”
I nodded. “It’s a good heart.”
“It is. The best.” She glanced down below. “Looks like Arnie’s vacated the pool. You ready to go down and sing happy birthday?”
“Are we doing that before the Indigo Girls show up?” I groaned. I had promised I would lead everyone in singing a round of “Happy Birthday” to Sarah when it was time.
“Daisy’s going to get the cake ready. She told me to come up and get you.”
“Okay, let’s go,” I grumbled, reluctant.
Celeste hooked her arm through mine and led me downstairs. I was surprised to see everyone crowding into the kitchen, but then I saw Daisy hovering over the cake.
“There’s my girl.” Rob brightened when he saw us come through the swinging door. He pulled me into his lap when we got close. Sarah was sitting across from us with her friend, Anne.
“Happy birthday, Sarah.” I smiled when she leaned in to share some private joke with Anne. I turned to Rob. “When does she get to open her gifts?”
“After cake,” Daisy called. She was putting the finishing touches on it.
“Ugh, don’t say cake.” I groaned, glancing over and seeing it sitting on a pedestal. “You made it chocolate, didn’t you?”
“It’s my favorite,” Sarah reminded me with a sympathetic smile. “You can’t have cake, I can’t have a drink. We can commiserate together.”
“You eat cake for me.”
“I will!” She laughed. “I’d tell you to have a drink for me, but we’re completely dry tonight.”
I led the crowd in singing the happy birthday song and Sarah blew out all twenty-one candles on her cake. There were so many presents on the gift table, Sarah exclaimed it would take all night to open them all, so Rob t
old her she should do it tomorrow. But he did have her open our gift—a new laptop—which she thanked him for, putting her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. His heart was in his eyes when he looked at her, and I knew he wanted to ask her to stay, but he wouldn’t. I think he’d finally come to understand this was what Sarah wanted, this was what would make her happy. And like Celeste said, he was tearing out his own heart to make her happy.
When the Indigo Girls showed up to play, Sarah screamed like a teenager and she and her friends stood around the makeshift stage with stars in their eyes. I remembered looking at Rob that way, once upon a time, way back at the beginning of my fairy tale. Rob watched her, looking on like an indulgent father, but I felt the way he clenched my hand, saw that faraway sadness in his eyes.
“Come with me,” I whispered into his ear, pulling gently on his hand, leading him away from the crowd.
The guests were all focused on the makeshift concert in Rob’s giant playground of a backyard. He followed me, glancing briefly over his shoulder to check on Sarah, bookended by her delighted friends.
“Where are we going?”
“Swimming.” I slipped out of my heels, standing barefoot on the patio as I shimmied out of my green silk Prada dress. Rob’s eyes lit up when he saw I was wearing a black bikini underneath.
“I’m not wearing a suit,” he protested as I worked the buttons on his shirt, stripping it off him. Under his jeans, he was wearing a pair of boxer briefs. That would do well enough.
“Come on,” I urged, stepping into the pool, onto the first step. The water was warm, inviting, and I glanced over my shoulder, seeing Rob stripping himself of his jeans before following me in.
It was full night now, but the lights around the house, plus all of the ones they’d strung for the party, made it feel like mid-day. When I looked up, I could barely see the stars.