by Max Walker
“Eli! Hey there, boy.”
Maybe he heard my voice or maybe he just got a burst of energy, but something caused him to run forward, straight for the couch where my parents sat. He jumped up, licking my mom’s face as the camera flipped back to them.
“So what did you have to talk to us about?” my dad asked. I could tell he sensed something was up. He was good at reading people. I couldn’t get anything past him as a kid, and I wouldn’t even try to as an adult.
“I don’t even know how to start this…”
Fuck. Should I have prepared something? Rehearsed a speech in the bathroom mirror? How did people come out? Why weren’t there kids’ books explaining this kind of shit? Or at the very least, a “coming out for dummies” book. Anything, so long as it provided even a scrap of guidance.
“You know I love you both, and we’ve had some rough spots growing up, I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with, but I think there’s been a reason for all of that. I’ve never felt like myself, like I was giving it my all. I always felt like I was playing this… this part. Wearing a mask. It made me sad. Really, really sad. That made me angry, and then that made things difficult. But not anymore. I can’t live like that anymore. So, that’s why, I’m telling you both: I’m gay.”
There. The words were out. No taking it back, no reversing things, no changing my mind. I had spoken my truth, and I could do nothing more than stand behind it.
My mom blinked a few times. My dad’s face looked set in stone, barely a twitch.
My hand was shaking. I leaned on the balcony, steadying my arm and stopping the shake.
“Gay?” my mom repeated, as if she hadn’t heard the first time.
“Sí.”
With that, my father snapped out of his stupefaction. He said something I couldn’t quite make out, with a tone I’d never heard from him. Something like pure venom. He stood up and left the frame, his heavy footsteps growing farther away. My mom called after him. She stood up, dropping the phone on the couch. Eli, bless him and his golden heart, looked down at the phone, his innocent grin making me feel a little better even though all I really wanted to do was vomit over the balcony.
Less than a minute later, the camera started to move around, my mom’s face coming back on the screen. She looked paler than before, and there were strands of hair that hung loose and wild down her forehead. She tucked them behind her ear, swallowed, and said in a shaky voice, “Nicholas. I love you. You’re my son, first and foremost, and you always will be.”
I let go of a breath I hadn’t realized was stuck in my lungs.
“It’s just… you’re sure? That you’re gay?”
“Yes. Very.”
“And you don’t think you’re just—”
“It’s real, mamá. And it isn’t a phase or anything like that. I’ve been dealing with this since I could remember. And it’s hard to say it out loud, and when Dad… It’s difficult. So thank you for coming back.”
“Of course, hijo. I would never abandon you. And your father will come around. I’ll talk to him. I don’t know what I’ll say exactly, but I’ll figure that out later.”
“Thank you, mamá. I’m sorry for having to say this all over FaceTime. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.”
She looked down and appeared to be petting Eli. The sun, which had been shining through her hair, caught the glint of a tear slipping from the corner of her eye. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have known, picked up on something. My motherly instincts never kicked in. Instead, I was pushing girls on you. Without ever thinking twice about what you really wanted.”
The emotion in her voice tightened my chest. I could tell she felt apologetic, and I had a feeling that if she could, she would turn back time just to take it all back.
“It’s okay,” I said, holding back tears. “It’s okay now.”
“Good,” my mom said, stiffening her upper lip. “I just want you to be happy, Nicholas… and now… now things will be so difficult. People are cruel, and the media has already been taking swipes at our family since the start.” Her lip quaked before it stiffened again.
“I can handle it. Whatever happens in the tabloids, whatever happens online, none of it matters. All I care about is you and dad. And, at the end of the day, if I could use my story to help out at least one closeted kid out there, then all the pain and shit-talking would be worth it.”
“Spain is still such a religious country.”
“Then they’ll need to actually practice what they preach and love their neighbor as they’d love themselves. Leave the judgment for judgment day.”
My mom chuckled, but the worry lines didn’t disappear from her face. If anything they had multiplied.
“We’ll be okay. I’ll be okay,” I reiterated, with a little more force this time.
“I know, Nicholas. I have no doubt about that.” She choked back a cry. “When did you know?”
“Since the day I got butterflies meeting the president’s son.”
“You were… that was when you were barely ten.”
“I probably even knew before then. I’ve fought it—trust me, I’ve fought it. But it was useless. I was only beating up on myself at the end of the day.”
My mom’s smile grew. “No more of that.”
“No more.”
She stood up from the couch. I could hear Eli jump off to follow her. “I’ll go talk to your father. He just needs some time to process it. Call me if anything, okay? Te amo, Nick.”
“I love you, mamá.”
And just like that, it was done. A flip had been switched. Everything was real, and there was no turning back now, no more running and no more hiding.
I was free.
18 Shiro Brooks
We all raised our glasses, the sound of our cheers lifting up to the cloudy night sky.
“To friendship!” we sang out, clinking the glasses. My toes sunk into the sand underneath me as I drank my beer, my heart feeling full as I looked around the table of friends, reunited after all those years. We sat out on the beach of St. Maarten, celebrating Christmas with a large dinner and endless drinks. There were dozens and dozens of circular tables set around the sand, with music playing and a dance floor beginning to form. The sun was setting, the early rays of its purple and orange light starting to fill the sky.
The only thing this scene missed was Nick, who had said he wasn’t feeling too great and had to skip out on dinner. He said he would join for drinks, but there was still no sign of him, and I started to get worried. I knew he wanted to speak to his parents when I had left his room… Had something happened? What if he called it quits on us and I didn’t even know. I was just sitting here, toes in the sand, drink in my hand, none the wiser that another breakup was headed my way.
“Where’s your new boyfriend?” Jada asked, probably reading the worry that I felt flash across my face. “Everything all right with him?”
“Yeah, I think so.” It felt weird referring to Nick as my “boyfriend.” The title was as new as our relationship.
“Don’t they make such a cute couple,” Ace chimed in.
Lou sat up in his seat. His cell phone–addicted girlfriend sat next to him, munching on some bread and scrolling through her phone. “I don’t think I remember ever seeing you smile that big,” he said, pointing at the grin that manifested itself every time Nick’s name was brought up.
Jada nodded and played with the hem of the white tablecloth covering the table. “Yeah, I loved you and Mace, but I could tell things weren’t exactly perfect. I just didn’t really see the spark. But with Nick, I saw the spark even before you told us anything. From day one, I had some suspicions. Right, Ken?”
“Yup. The second we got into our room, she said that you two were looking at each other funny.”
“And the energy coming off the two of you. I just knew.” Jada let go of the tablecloth and sat back in her chair. “And I was right.”
“He seems like
a really good guy, too,” Rex offered, speaking in his low baritone. “I spent some time with him by the pool. He left a great impression on me.”
“Speaking of the sexy devil,” Ace said, pointing with his chin toward the entrance to the beach.
Nick walked toward us. He wore white pants and a navy blue button-down, his sandals dangling in his hand as he kicked up sand behind him. He smiled at the table and gave everyone a wave, but I stood up and went over to him. The second we kissed, the table behind us erupted in cheers.
I rolled my eyes. “Everything okay?” I asked, smiling, happy that Nick hadn’t secretly packed up and escaped on another boat.
“Not exactly.”
My heart dropped. “Come on, let’s talk over by the water.”
Hands entwined, we walked over to the edge of the water, where the ocean lapped up onto the sand in foamy turns. The waves were almost nonexistent. We sat down on the dry sand, putting our feet onto the wet side, letting the warm waters rise up to meet us.
“I spoke to my parents,” Nick said, his gaze turned out to the fire-orange horizon.
“And? How did it go?” I didn’t want my nerves to show, so I sat on my hands in case I started to chew on my fingernails.
“My mom took it well. She just thinks the world will be a thousand times harder now. She doesn’t realize how difficult it was for me before, and how easy it all seems now. But she will, though. That’ll come with time. I’m just glad she’s started that process of accepting already.”
“Good, yeah. My mom was the same way when I came out. She cried not because I was gay, but she said it was because she pictured me getting hurt. Beaten up for being gay. I told her that she doesn’t have to worry. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders and can run like a gay bat out of glittering hell if it ever came down to it.”
Nick laughed at that. I stopped sitting on my hand and instead reached for his.
“And your dad?”
“That didn’t go as well…” Nick shook his head, still looking out at the sea. “It didn’t really go at all. I spilled my guts out and told them how I felt, and he, well, just walked off. He got up and left. I didn’t think he’d do that. I thought he’d at least say something so that I could talk him down. But he didn’t even give me that chance. He just… left.”
I squeezed Nick’s hand. “Fuck… Nick. He just needs time. He’ll come around.”
“That’s what my mom said, but I don’t know. His expression… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that. I know what he’s thinking, too: How will I inherit the crown? Does the bloodline end with me? I’m sure that’s what he’s focused on.”
“Maybe a hundred years ago it would have ended with you, but science can do all kinds of things these days. Not only can kids make glow-in-the-dark slime now, but gay guys can have kids, too. And it’s not like you don’t have money for surrogacy.” I nudged into Nick’s shoulder.
“Do the kids come glow-in-the-dark, too?”
“I think you have to pay extra for that feature.”
Nick chuckled. I could tell he felt better having said his truth, but the worry about his dad wasn’t going anywhere.
“It’ll be hard,” he said. “Spaniards love tradition, and this throws tradition out the window.”
“Well, things change. People will come around. Maybe you can start an entirely new tradition. One of, I don’t know, acceptance? That’d be nice.”
“That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”
“Yup.”
Nick leaned in and kissed my cheek. It caught me by surprise. I looked his way, the both of us smiling. He leaned in and kissed me again, this time on the lips. When we parted, his blue eyes seemed to have a sudden storm in them.
“What will happen to us?” he asked, biting on his lower lip. “After this cruise.”
It was a question that had kept me up for the past few nights. I hadn’t really thought much of it when Nick and I were rolling around naked and having the time of our lives, but then reality would hit and I’d realize that this trip was quickly coming to an end and we would both be headed in totally different directions.
“I’ve got a ton of airline miles I’ve been meaning to use,” I said.
“And I have a private jet I can take whenever I want to.”
“Because of course you do,” I smirked, narrowing my eyes, “Prince Nick.”
“Did you expect anything less, banana boy?” He kissed me again. It sent little shocks coursing through my body. We were out in public, and Nick was kissing me, in front of plenty of eyes that could be looking our way.
“We’re going to make it work,” said Nick, conviction in his tone. “I really feel connected to you, Shy, in a way I’ve never felt before. And it’s not just because our relationship is shiny and new. I see way past that. I see how well we click, how everything just flows when you’re next to me. It doesn’t feel like I’m swimming upstream anymore, fighting the current. And, honestly, I thought that I’d want to go down the ‘app’ route and hook up with random guys, but I really don’t want any of that.” His foot playfully bumped mine. “All I want is you.”
“For Christmas?”
“And Easter, and Thanksgiving, and fucking Flag Day.”
“What’d you just call me?”
Nick and I both cracked up, the warmth of the moment flowing over me, cementing the feelings I had for this spectacular man at my side.
“I feel the same exact way,” I said, my heart unlocking and its contents spilling out. “I really did think I was set for a mediocre life. I thought I would be with Mason forever, living in our cramped one-bedroom apartment, him never cleaning or cooking or helping in any kind of way. I was totally okay with settling for a jobless hamster, basically. And not even a cute hamster. He’s one of those hamsters with the draggy butts. And I was ready to call it a day and spend the rest of my life with him. Then he broke things off, and I really thought I was meant for nothing or nobody special. I dreaded this cruise, even though it meant reuniting with all my friends. I wasn’t even excited for Christmas, and I freaking loved Christmas.” Something in the distance jumped out of the water, too quick to discern what it was. A small splash immediately followed. “You know, I had even thought of canceling? I was literally seconds from texting the group and saying that I had gotten in a bad car wreck and couldn’t make it. On the way there, I was about to do it. Instead, I sucked it up and showed up. And then I met you.” My grin was so wide it hurt my cheeks. “My real-life Prince Charming… and then I asked you to be my fake boyfriend, and you said no.”
“Sorry about that,” Nick said, kissing me with a grin on his face, too. “But isn’t real boyfriends so much better?”
“It is, it is. I wouldn’t change how things went down, not one part of it.”
“Good. Neither would I.”
I leaned and rested my head on Nick’s shoulder. The sun was halfway gone now, throwing its rays of last light across the serene waters. The sounds of the party behind us seemed to dim, taken over by the music of our beating hearts, synced together in spectacular fashion.
We stayed like that, watching as the sun disappeared, connected to each other in a way that felt unbreakable.
“We should get back to the table,” I said, straightening up, stretching my neck, cracking my knuckles. I wiggled my toes as another wave gently crawled up the beach, foaming around the heel of my foot.
“Vamos,” Nick said. I had to get him to speak Spanish more often around me, because even just one word flooded my basement.
We stood up, both of us stretching and wiping the sand off our butts. Tiki torches had been turned on, their tall flames illuminating the party. My friends still sat at the same table, an assortment of empty glasses sitting next to their refilled glasses, Ace waving me over as he spotted us walking back.
I looked past the table, seeing Luna standing by one of the tiki torches, wearing her usual black slacks and billowy shirt. I didn’t think much of it until I took a closer look a
t the two people she was talking to.
A woman, who had the same straight, jet-black hair as Luna, and a man, whose bald head caught the flickering light of the torch, his face fully visible and not covered by any shadows. He had a round face with a birthmark across his hand, a birthmark that had been missing from the man I talked to at the market.
“Hey, Nick, who’s Luna talking to right now? Over by that tiki torch.”
Nick looked, answering instantly. “Those are her parents. Her mom and stepdad.”
“Holy fuck,” I said, and walked right past my table of friends. Nick followed right on my heels.
“What? What happened?”
“Her stepdad. That’s the man I saw during the ugly sweater party, the one I chased after. Luna’s stepdad was the one who took our photos. And that’s why she got that accidental text. He must have been talking to her right before he tried to sell our photos and sent them to her instead of his magazine connection.”
“Hijo de puta.”
I nodded, feeling my adrenaline rush as we got closer. “Yeah, exactly.”
19 Nicholas Silva
Luna looked our way, her head cocked to the side and her eyebrows meeting at the center of her forehead. She looked to me, then to Shy, then to her parents.
“Hi, Luna,” Shy said, waving before turning to her stepfather. He was a tall man with a permanent scowl on his face. He had married Luna’s mother about five years ago. I remember meeting him one time at the palace and never feeling very good vibes from him, but it certainly wasn’t my place to comment on Luna’s family matters.
“Nick, what’s going on?” Luna asked.
“I think we should ask your stepdad that question.” Shy crossed his arms. His muscles pushed against the dark red polo he wore. “We’ve been having some issues with photos being sold to the tabloids, and I’ve been trying to figure out who’s the one involved. I really thought it would be impossible to figure out, but then Luna got that text message.”