by Vivi Holt
She danced and sang as though everything she had done for the past fifteen years was in preparation for this moment. Her chance to audition for this show. Under her feet the boards shook and creaked but her voice held steady. Her soaring soprano filled the room, the sweet notes hitting the back of the auditorium as Ramona closed her eyes and let her voice shine. She raised her arms and threw her head back dramatically for the final note, letting it hang in the air about her.
The casting directors turned to each other and whispered, casting furtive glances at the girl waiting so earnestly on stage. Finally the man with the spectacles leaned forward and gave his appraisal. “You have a beautiful voice Ramona. And it’s almost there.”
Ramona cupped one hand above her eyes, to shield them from the glare of the spotlight.
“Yes?” Her large brown eyes opened wide. “I know I can manage the part, if you just give me a shot. I’ll work so hard, really I will.”
“Maybe next year, dear. You can come back then and try again,” he said, while his colleagues stared at the notebooks on their laps and studiously avoided Ramona’s gaze.
Ramona nodded and left the stage, thanking the directors for their time.
Next year.
Ramona took a deep breath and held her head high. Those words were something to cling to, at least. She pushed her way through the heavy door and stumbled out into the fresh fall evening. Next year. That would give her a year to practice, perfect, and hone her craft. Of course I’ll be twenty by then, and practically an old maid in Broadway terms! She trudged along the pavement as she headed through downtown New York, her long dark curls and dancer’s silhouette illuminated by the street lamps that were coming on all over town as the dusk of evening crept in from the bay. She shivered as the night air brought a chill with it, a reminder that winter was just around the corner.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes. I’m not going to give up, Ramona told herself. I know mother wants me to get married and start a family, but I don’t care if I die an old spinster, as long as I can sing and dance, and people love me and applaud me, that’s all I really want from life. She heaved in a deep breath of the fresh New York evening air.
She told herself that next time it wouldn’t just be an audition. Next time the director would really see her. He wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off her. She’d show him how good she could be. Then he’d chose her. Then she’d be a Broadway star, just like her Father had said. She picked up her pace as she made her way home to Washington Street in the West Village, eager to tell her mother all about the statue’s unveiling and her audition. When she reached their building, she saw her best friend Elizabeth arriving from the other direction. Elizabeth was heading inside with a bag of groceries tucked under one arm. Ramona guessed she was on her way home from the hotel where she worked with Ramona’s mother. They usually walked home together.
“Elizabeth!” called Ramona, waving wildly at her and running up to greet her.
The two girls hugged, and Elizabeth begged, “Tell me all about it. How did it go? Did you get the part?”
Ramona glanced at her feet, twirling one foot around in place on her tip-toe.
“No, I didn’t get it.”
“Oh,” Elizabeth’s face dropped.
“It’s OK though, because he said I should come back next year. So, that’s positive, I think.”
Elizabeth smiled again, “Yes, of course. That’s great news. And, it gives you another whole year to get ready.”
“Exactly!” said Ramona.
“You going in?” asked Elizabeth, propping the door to the building open with one foot as she rearranged the grocery bag onto her hip.
“Yes. I have to help mother with a load of ironing tonight for the hotel. They make her bring it home with her on Sundays because there’s just so much of it she can’t possibly finish it during her shift. Do you know where she is?”
“No. Actually, I didn’t see her at all today. It doesn’t seem fair that she has to bring all of that laundry home,” frowned Elizabeth as she slipped through the doorway.
Ramona closed the door behind them, and followed Elizabeth up the stone stairwell.
“It’s not. But we need the money. Mother can’t afford to lose this job, so she just does whatever they ask her to. I wish I could whisk her away from it all, like in a fairy tale or something, you know?”
“Hmm yes, if only we could all live in fairy tales.”
“Although, I’m not sure I’d like to end up sleeping for a thousand years, or having someone feed me a poisoned apple,” Ramona shivered.
“Very true,” said Elizabeth, and the two girls laughed together.
“Speaking of fairy tales and romance, how’s Arthur?” asked Ramona, raising her eyebrows.
Elizabeth blushed, and smiled shyly, “He’s well. You know he graduated from college last month, and he found a job over at Lowell and Sparks. He’s going to be an Associate Attorney. He says we can get married next year, once he’s saved enough for a place of our own.”
“That’s great news,” said Ramona, hugging her friend. They soon reached the third floor, where both of the girls lived directly across the hall from each other. Ramona unlocked the front door to her apartment.
“Mother!” she called, flying through the doorway. Elizabeth followed sedately behind.
The apartment was dark and cold. No fire was lit and there wasn’t any food warming on the stove. The curtains lay still beside open windows, through which the frosty night air was gently blowing. The apartment looked empty, and everything was in its place. Everything except a note, a square of white on the dark timber table. Ramona hurried over to it, dropping her satchel on the floor with a bang.
Dear Ramona,
The last few years have been awful hard for me here. All alone, without your father or anyone to help me. I’ve done the best I could to be a mother to you, but you’re grown now and don’t need me any longer. You have your own life to live, and so I’ve decided to live mine.
I met a man. I know this will be difficult for you to understand. It was difficult for me to tell you. I couldn’t face you, knowing how you’d react, but there it is. I’ve met someone. He has a steady job, and is a kind man, and we’re getting married. He doesn’t want children, and so I told him I didn’t have any. It doesn’t matter that you’re grown, he doesn’t want extra mouths to feed. So, you’ll have to learn to take care of yourself now.
You’re a good girl, and I love you. I hope we will see each other again someday. I’m sorry I couldn’t leave you any money to live by. I don’t have any to speak of, but maybe Mr. Flannery will let you stay on in the apartment for a while, at least until you find a job. You can ask at the hotel, seeing as how I’ve left my job there – maybe they’ll give it to you.
I hope all your dreams come true. Who knows, perhaps one day I’ll hear about you performing on Broadway.
I’ll be in living in Austin, Texas. It’s a growing town according to Art. That’s his name – Art Franklin. I’m going to be Mrs. Art Franklin. Doesn’t that sound strange? He works at the new University of Texas there, as a history professor. We’re going to live in a nice little cottage with a white picket fence. It’s the kind of life I’ve always dreamed of so I know you’ll be happy for me.
All my love,
Mother
“Who’s the letter from?” asked Elizabeth.
Ramona let the letter fall to the ground. It drifted slowly, in a lilting waltz to the aged floor boards. She’s getting married? What would Papa think?
It had been five years since her father had taken his own life. Ramona shook her head. She still remembered that day - there was a clear blue summer sky and a cool breeze bringing temporary relief from the stifling humidity. Ramona had come home to find her mother, Maria, wailing and screaming as she tore at her own clothes.
“Your papa has left us!” Maria had cried before dropping to her knees and burying her head in her hands.
Ramona was fifteen
at the time. Old enough to understand what had happened. Even so, she never could figure why he’d done it. Her father had been addicted to gambling. His debt with the local bookkeeper had grown and grown. He became distant and easily angered by Ramona and her mother. Then, he lost his job, and try as he might, had not been able to find another one for three long months. The burden of it had become too much for him to bear. He left Maria and Ramona all alone in the world, with nothing to their names but a slew of bad debts and a lease on a shoddy, broken down apartment in the Village.
Despite all this, Ramona still remembered her papa as a kind man. A flawed man, but one who was full of love and encouragement for Ramona. She felt a haze of dizziness and nausea come over her. She fell to her hands and knees on the floor as deep sobs racked her body.
How could Mother consider marrying again without me there, standing beside her? How could she marry a man I’ve never even met, and leave me here all alone?
“Ramona! Ramona! What is it?” Elizabeth’s voice broke through the haze that was threatening to overwhelm her.
Ramona looked up into her friend’s concerned face, and stood slowly to her feet. She picked up the letter with trembling hands. Reading it over again. Maybe she could find some deeper understanding of what her mother had been thinking. Ramona knew nothing about the man her mother had run off with, other than that he was a professor from the University of Texas, and lived in Austin. Along with the note she’d left Ramona a few dollars, but no further clue as to how to contact her.
Ramona felt devastated. She stumbled to the other side of the single room apartment and sat on her bed in shock.
I’m completely alone now.
She glanced up at the door. Rent was due the following day. And their landlord, Mr. Mason, was not a kind man. He would be banging on her front door by midday if Ramona hadn’t already been downstairs with a month’s advance payment. Her mother had told her to ask him for some leeway in staying there, but Ramona knew that it would be a hopeless cause. Mr. Mason had thrown old Mrs. Hill out on the street only weeks earlier when her arthritis had gotten her fired at the garment factory where she worked. Ramona had tried to follow her onto the street, but the old lady had disappeared into the crowd before she got downstairs. If Mr. Mason wasn’t able to find it in his heart to be lenient with that kind, old lady, Ramona knew he wouldn’t help her.
She walked to the closet and pulled out her purple satin bag with the green bow. It was time to pack. And this time she would not be filling the bag with ballet shoes and a glittering stage outfit, but with everything she owned.
“Ramona! Answer me, what is going on? Are you all right?” asked Elizabeth, clutching at Ramona’s arm and tugging at it in an attempt to secure her attention.
“My mother has left me,” Ramona said, her chin quivering.
“What do you mean?” asked Elizabeth, letting go of Ramona’s arm.
“She’s gone to Texas to marry a professor. I’m all alone in the world. I have to get a job. I’ll never be a Broadway star now. I have nowhere to live. I…” Ramona was babbling, and the feeling of dizziness and nausea returned as she gulped in deep breaths of cool air.
“Oh Ramona. I’m so sorry. You can stay with us. I’m sure Mama and Papa won’t mind. Honestly. Come on, let’s go and ask them.” Elizabeth placed her arm around Ramona’s shoulders, and guided her gently toward the apartment door and into the hallway.
“What will I do now?” asked Ramona, her brown eyes wide and filled with unshed tears as she looked at Elizabeth.
“We’ll figure it out. You will be fine. This is not the end of your life. It’s just the beginning. You’ll see,” Elizabeth patted Ramona’s hand, and wiped a stray tear that had trickled down her pink cheek.
“It’s just the beginning.”
2
Ramona
For Ramona, time seemed to pass in a slow motion haze of activity in the weeks following her mother’s departure. Sometimes she couldn’t even recall what day it was, and every time Elizabeth asked her when she had last looked for a job, danced, or rehearsed, Ramona would mumble and say, “It’s only been a couple of days.”
“It hasn’t though,” Elizabeth would say.
Usually, the far more sensible Elizabeth, with her straight ash hair and plain pointed face, considered Ramona’s pursuit of a life on the stage to be a foolish endeavor. She’d never said anything to discourage Ramona, but for her, being a wife and mother was all she asked of life. She had no ambition beyond that, and the way things were progressing with Arthur, it wouldn’t be long until she had all that she dreamed of. For now though, Elizabeth worked as a maid in the same hotel where Ramona’s mother had worked. And Elizabeth could see that the old vivacious, joyful, Ramona was drifting away. That special spark about her was fading. She had holed up in Elizabeth’s bedroom, and rarely came out. So Elizabeth pressed Ramona to rehearse in an attempt to bring the girl out of the dark hole into which she had fallen.
Soon the cool air of the approaching winter was whistling down the streets and byways of the West Village, and Ramona had taken to wearing her coat everywhere she went. The leaves on the trees had changed, coating the cityscape with brilliant oranges, fiery yellows and warm brown tones. Thanksgiving was a melancholy affair for Ramona. She shared the day with Elizabeth and her family, but couldn’t bring herself to be cheery in spite of their friendly banter. At the dinner that evening, the table was set with a small piece of turkey, gravy, stuffing, fresh bread rolls and several vegetable dishes. There was also soup for an appetizer, and they all waited eagerly to begin the meal while Mr. John Dresden, Elizabeth’s father, said the prayer of Thanksgiving. After the prayer, he paused with a spoon full of soup just beneath the curl of his black moustache and looked at Ramona.
“So, Ramona, have you found employment yet?”
“No, not yet Mr. Dresden.”
“Where have you looked?”
“I just haven’t had the heart to really try anywhere yet, but I will soon. I just need a little time to think about what I should do with my life now. I always thought I’d be a performer, and now it seems that I’ll have to take on some other kind of pursuit – at least until I land a role. I really don’t know where to start.”
“I see,” he said, exchanging a look with his wife, Agatha.
“Surely they would let you take your mother’s place at the hotel, dear?” questioned Agatha, taking a sip of soup.
“Actually, they’ve already filled that position,” said Elizabeth, carefully slicing a piece of bread and laying it on her plate. She cut a portion of butter from the butter dish, and spread it thickly over the still-warm bread. It melted, running down the edges and onto the plate below.
Her parents exchanged another look, this time sharing a frown.
“Well dear, that was not very sensible – to lose such a promising lead. You know what they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
“Oh dear, yes. You are right. I will try to be more responsible. Truly I will. I just need a little time to gather my thoughts.”
“Not too long, I hope,” muttered Mr. Dresden, lowering his face toward his bowl to slurp up the soup.
One day, just before Christmas, Elizabeth came home from work and called out Ramona’s name. When there was no response Elizabeth entered the bedroom the two women were sharing and found Ramona curled up on her bed. Her long dark hair lay in dank and knotted braids on either side of her head, and her crumpled dress was twisted up beneath her.
“Come on,” Elizabeth said, pulling Ramona up by the arms. “You’re going to go and rehearse if I have to drag you down to the park to do it. This isn’t like you Ramona! You’ve still got plenty to live for…you’ve got your singing and dancing, and as much as I’ve never understood it, I know how much it means to you. Besides, I think you ought to at least get out of the house, and maybe brush your hair.”
Ramona got to her feet, smoothing out her dress and feigning a smile. “You’re right,” she sai
d, nodding. “I’ve been feeling sorry for myself too long. Like you have said time and time again, it’s not the end of the world, just the end of the life that I knew.” She glanced over at her ballet shoes and, for the first time in weeks, felt the rock-like heaviness in the pit of her stomach lighten a little. “I think I’ll go to rehearsal.”
Elizabeth was right, Ramona thought, breathless but happy as she left the park, waving back to the girls still clustered about under a large oak tree. They waved in response, and set about removing their dance shoes and donning their coats for the walk home. Ramona pulled her coat more tightly about her body, and wrapped a knitted purple scarf around her neck against the winter chill. That’s done me the world of good! Her feet sailed gracefully over the cobbled road as she made her way back home. Often, after a rehearsal she would stay and chat with her friends, but this time she couldn’t wait to get back home to see Elizabeth. It was time she made a decision about what to do for money and how she could start getting back onto her own two feet. She wanted to discuss it with Elizabeth before she settled on anything.
Ramona had moved in with Elizabeth and her parents almost six weeks ago, and she knew that it was time she began to pull her weight. They had been kind enough to provide her with lodging and food, but she didn’t want to live off their charity forever. Ramona brushed a stray strand of dark hair from her face, and smiled up at the darkening sky. It was a beautiful evening, full of possibility, and besides – she was in New York, where anyone could make their dreams come true if they were willing to work hard and make sacrifices.
I want Lizzie and her folks to know how much I appreciate them and everything they’ve done for me. They have been so kind to me. I don’t know what I would have done without them.