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A Gay Polyester High School Romance

Page 18

by S. W. Ballenger


  “You want to go?” I asked him.

  “Sure.” He shrugged and vaulted up.

  The sun hung just above the horizon, giving off a soothing orange glow that reflected off the water. I glanced up at the stars above as Brad and I strolled side-by-side along the beach.

  When we were out of sight of my parents, I glanced around to make sure there were no other people within visible distance. A sudden desire to hold Brad’s hand overcame me. If I accepted kissing as an acceptable form of showing our affections for one another, holding hands seemed pretty tame.

  Reaching out, I grasped Brad’s hand into mine, causing him to look down and then back up at me with a big grin on his face.

  Moving closer to me, Brad asked, “You’re holding my hand?”

  “Yeah.” I smiled. “Is that okay?”

  “It’s great.” He beamed and squeezed my hand.

  As we neared the sea, the sound of the gentle waves made me feel both calm and happy to be there with Brad.

  “Let’s sit down,” I suggested, squishing the dry sand between the toes of my bare feet.

  Brad nodded and we sat down on a small sand dune. I continued holding his hand.

  I picked up a piece of seashell with my free hand and tossed it toward the sea and began thinking about how much I did love him. My eyes followed his long hair down his back until it touched the sand.

  He squeezed my hand again. “Do you think we’ll always be together?”

  Taken aback by the question, I furrowed my eyebrows. “Yes, of course,” I stated, as if it were absolutely obvious.

  “No. That’s not what I meant. I mean do you think we…I don’t know,” he stared out at the sea, “could be a couple like your parents?”

  I hesitated for a moment, letting the thoughts on the matter pour through me before answering. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t see why we couldn’t live together like in college and stuff or even after. People would just think we’re roommates,” I said as I picked up another pebble.

  He gazed at me. I could see he was feeling emotional. “I know you want kids someday. You’ve said it before, and if we were together you’d never have kids.”

  “Come on, buddy. You’re thinking way too far ahead. We’re only fifteen.” I squeezed his hand, not knowing what to say to him. He’d been thinking about us way too hard and that honestly scared me. “I’m just worried about passing Rumsford’s Government class right now.” I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

  “But, I love you. I want us to get married one day,” he said, obviously not taking my cue.

  “I love you, too,” I replied. “But, you’re thinking way too far ahead and, besides, you know two guys can’t marry each other. It will never happen.”

  “I know.” He nodded sadly before hanging his head.

  He looked so disheartened, and all I wanted to do was to make him feel better. I leaned over and put my arm around him and patted him on his opposite shoulder. “Hey. Cheer up.”

  “I can’t.”

  I pulled him closer until I could smell his aftershave. He smelled as good as he looked. Taking in its woodsy aroma, I felt stirrings down below. I hadn’t had these feelings since that night Susan sat next to me in the hot tub. I looked down at his beautiful body. I wanted him just as badly as I wanted Susan that night. I knew it wasn’t right to want him in that way, but I was so tired of fighting it. If giving in to those feelings meant I was gay, so be it. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted him.

  I grabbed his hand tight and stood up, pulling him up with me.

  “Where we going?” he asked with a confused look on his face.

  “I’m ready to go to bed.” I gazed, unblinking, deep into his eyes.

  He stared at me a few moments before he realized what I was saying.

  “Really?” His eyes lit up.

  “Really.” I nodded.

  • • •

  We quickly made our way back up to the condo. Mom and Dad were still cuddling in the swing.

  “You guys have a nice walk?” Mom asked as we stepped onto the deck.

  “Yep. Sure did,” I answered, glancing at Brad.

  “I think I’m ready to turn in.” Brad stretched and yawned. “I’m beat.”

  “Me too,” I replied as my gaze drifted to the corner of the condo with the patio door that led to my and Brad’s bedroom.

  “It’s kinda early, isn’t it?” Dad asked, looking down at his watch.

  “It’s been a long week,” I answered.

  Dad smiled. “That is has.”

  “Well, goodnight, you two,” Mom said.

  “Goodnight, boys,” Dad added.

  “Goodnight,” we said in unison as we hurriedly made our way around to the other side of the condo.

  Once inside the room, I immediately attacked Brad with my lips. His five o’clock shadow rubbed like sandpaper against my cheeks, making me feel reckless and dangerous. I was tasting forbidden fruit, and I was loving it.

  I placed my hands on his exposed abs and pushed the crop top over his head. He responded by doing the same as we continued kissing.

  He grabbed the back of my head and forced his kiss upon me again. This time I didn’t fight it.

  Finally breaking the kiss, he stared me in the eyes and I could see he was conflicted just as much as me. This was a line we were about to cross and there would be no turning back. Our friendship would be forever changed.

  “Are you sure about this?” he asked.

  “Are you?” My eyes searched his.

  “Yes.”

  “Me too.” I nodded without allowing myself to think about it.

  With those words, he pushed me down onto the bed.

  • • •

  A short time later, I lay beside him staring up at the ceiling and running my tongue across my teeth, tasting the minty flavor of my mouthwash. I cut my eyes to Brad, who stared at the ceiling as well.

  My mind was screaming. Oh God, what have I done? I just did unspeakable things to Brad and allowed him to do them to me. The thoughts kept repeating in my head.

  Brad rolled over onto his side to face me. “Are you okay?” he asked softly, rubbing my shoulder.

  I felt the tears starting to well up in my eyes and I began to shake; my guilt consuming me. “No…I’m not.”

  He pulled his hand back. “Didn’t you like it? I mean, you seemed like you did.”

  “I did! That’s why I’m so scared,” I said as tears ran down my face. The realization of what we did together had felt even better than what Susan and I did together in New York filled me with absolute terror. I liked guys. That proved it. I was a homo, just like Brad.

  “It’s okay.” He reached out to put his hand back on my shoulder trying to comfort me. “There’s no need to be scared. It’s not a bad thing.”

  “It is, Brad!” I screamed through my sobs, unable to accept it. “I can’t…I can’t…do this!” I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

  I sat down on the edge of the tub and cried, the guilty feelings over what I had done consuming me. I felt dirty, like a sexual deviant giving in to my sick twisted desire to do things with my best friend. I was mentally broken.

  A few moments later, a gentle knock on the door caused me to look up.

  “Shawn, can we talk?” Brad asked, his voice echoing slightly through the hollow room.

  “Just leave me alone.” I placed my head in my hands and rested my elbows on my knees as I continued to sob.

  “Please, Shawn,” he begged. “Let me come in.”

  “No, Brad. Just…just go away.”

  “I’m sorry, I thought…you acted…” He paused. “Please tell me you’re okay.”

  I looked toward the door. I could hear the pain and concern in his voice. I knew this wasn’t Brad’s fault. I wanted it. I allowed it to happen.

  “Just…I’ll be okay…I need time. Please,” I begged.

  A few brief moments of silence passed.

  “
Okay. If that’s what you want,” he said softly as I heard his footsteps walk away.

  Chapter Eleven

  The next several days, I lived in my own personal Hell. We flew home from our Thanksgiving vacation in Nassau on Friday, and I spent most of the plane ride with my head against the window staring at the clouds below us; lost deep in my own thoughts. I couldn’t get past the overwhelming guilt of…what I did…with a guy. Not just any guy; my best friend in the world. It was one thing when we kissed and held hands, but what we did that night went way beyond that. I knew I’d never be the same again. It was something I’d have to live with the rest of my life.

  I didn’t shun Brad like I did the first time he kissed me and, honestly, I really wasn’t angry with him. How could I be? I just felt sad and depressed. Depression being an emotion I wasn’t used to feeling and it was horrible. I just wanted to crawl into the back of my closet, hide in the corner, and never come out.

  At school, I went through the motions of getting through my day, but I felt detached from everything I was familiar with and in some twisted form of irony, I was actually glad to be grounded from seeing anyone after school, especially Brad. I just wanted to be alone.

  Most dinnertimes, I sat with Mom and picked at my food. Dad had flown to Vancouver for the week, leaving us alone as usual. I tried to pretend that everything was okay around her, but I knew Mom could see right through my act. Whenever she would ask me if something was wrong, my standard answer was always “Swim team has me stressed.” It wasn’t a lie; my performance went from bad to worse. Between my feelings of guilt and the paranoia of feeling as though everybody in the stands was staring at my crotch, I was a disaster in the water.

  One night, a few days after our return, I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. The sound of footsteps in the hallway outside my open door briefly distracted me from my endlessly repeating thoughts of that night with Brad.

  I glanced up when the steps ended at my door.

  “Hi, honey, do you have any clothes you need washed?” Mom asked. “Mrs. Norris is coming tomorrow to clean.”

  “I’m good.” I forced a smile, before turning my eyes toward the ceiling again.

  The footsteps came closer and I felt her sit down on the edge of my bed. She reached down and squeezed my hand.

  “Honey, what’s bothering you?” she said, her comforting voice making me feel like her little boy. “I’ve never seen you so depressed.”

  “I’m okay, Mom.” I continued staring at the ceiling, but felt my eyes becoming wet. “It’s…nothing. I’ll be okay.”

  She looked down at me, her face full of worry as my wet eyes locked with hers. “Did you and Brad have another disagreement?” she asked.

  I felt my body starting to shake as the tears began to flow steadily from my eyes. I wanted to tell her the truth, that I had allowed Brad to do something to me that I thought I would never let any guy do, but all I could struggle to say was, “Mom…there’s something wrong with me.”

  “Oh, honey.” She touched my cheek with her hand and pushed my hair over my head. “What’s wrong?”

  “Mom…I…” I peered into her worried eyes.

  “Shh…it’s okay.” She continued stroking my hair. “You can tell me anything, you know that. I love you no matter what, honey.”

  Tears flowed silently as I tried to coax the words out that were lodged in my throat as my fear seeded itself in the pit of my stomach. “Mom…I…I…like boys.”

  “Okay.” She continued stroking my hair. The lump in my throat felt as though it was about to choke me. “It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. Shhh.”

  I stared at her holding back my tears as best I could, “Mom…I’m so confused,” I struggled to swallow. “I…don’t understand. I like girls, too. I’m so messed up.”

  “Oh, baby.” She leaned down to hug me as I reached up for her. When we met, the dam burst.

  “I don’t understand, Momma.” A name I rarely used to call my mother. “How can I like boys and still like girls, too?” I shook my head and cried loudly as I laid my head against her shoulder.

  “I know this has to be so confusing for you, baby.” She squeezed me tight. “What you’re telling me is that you’re bisexual.”

  I continued soaking her shoulder. “I don’t want this, Momma. I don’t want to have these feelings.”

  “Oh, honey.”

  “I hate this.” I bawled not wanting her to let go of me. “I’m a freak!”

  “It doesn’t mean anything of the sort. It just means you’re attracted to both sexes. I know it’s hard to understand but there are thousands of people just like you.”

  “Please give me something to make it go away,” I begged, desperately clinging to the hope that with one flick of a pen against her prescription pad she could prescribe me something that would make the feelings disappear. A magic pill that would somehow stop me from wanting Brad to hold me, kiss me, and do what he did to me ever again.

  “I’m sorry, honey, I wish it were that easy.”

  “How am I going to be able to control this?” I sobbed.

  She pushed me back, placed her hands on my shoulders, and looked caringly into my eyes. “Oh honey, there’s nothing to control. This is the way you were born. This is who you are, and there is nothing wrong with it.”

  “Do you hate me?”

  “No, baby, I could never hate you. I don’t care what you are, or who you love. You just be yourself and go with what you feel, it makes no difference if it’s a girl or a boy. Being bisexual just means there are more people for you to fall in love with.” She tilted her head slightly and gave me a loving smile. “You’ll always be my baby boy. I’ll love you no matter what.”

  “You do?” I looked at her with my eyes hopeful.

  “Yes, I do.” She smiled gently.

  “What about Dad?”

  “He’ll understand,” she said as she began rubbing my arm giving me the comfort that only a mother could give.

  I leaned in and put my arms around her once again just wanting to be held.

  • • •

  I waited by my locker for Brad as long as I could the next morning before having to finally give up or be tardy for English.

  All morning I didn’t see him. I was beginning to wonder if he was at home depressed once again; although he seemed fine the previous day. Maybe my own depression rubbed off on him.

  At lunch, I pushed open the door to the cafeteria when I heard his voice behind me.

  “Hey.” He tapped me on my shoulder.

  I looked over my shoulder. “Where in the world have you been?” I asked, not meaning to sound as if I was upset that he hadn’t let me know his whereabouts.

  “I had to help John haul a furnace from the Heating Warehouse to a jobsite. Two of his employees have the flu and he had no one to help him,” he said as I let go of the door handle, backing away from it. “I lied to him and told him I had a big science test this afternoon, or I would have been his gopher the rest of the day.”

  “I see,” I said as I glanced around making sure no one was near. “Hey, can we talk a minute?”

  He lifted his eyebrows and looked at me questioningly. “Umm…sure.”

  “Let’s go talk over by the flagpole,” I suggested, knowing that few students would be hanging around outside on a blustery December day.

  “Okay.”

  I took the lead as we made our way across the campus in silence. I wrung my hands nervously. Telling Mom my deepest, darkest secret still weighed heavily on my mind. Although she accepted me without hesitation, I still felt scared; but I knew Brad didn’t deserve to have me rip the rug out from under him after what we said and did to each other on vacation.

  The clinking sound of the rope banging against the metal flagpole echoed across the campus, and the flag whipped in the breeze. I leaned against the pole.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been acting the way I’ve been acting. It’s just what we did…I mean—”

  “I’m sorry,�
� Brad interrupted. “I wish we had never done anything. If I had known it would ruin our friendship…”

  “No, Brad! No!” I gestured, pointing my index finger down to make my point. “It hasn’t ruined our friendship. It’s just I was so confused as to what I was…I thought I was a freak…but I’m not. I’m bisexual and there are lots of other guys out there like me.” I paused. “You haven’t done anything wrong and,” I looked down and back up, my heart pounding in my chest, “I’m okay with myself.”

  I noticed Brad’s eyes starting to water. “You know I’d never hurt you. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

  “I know you wouldn’t. I feel the same about you.” I felt myself getting emotional and wanted to hug him so badly, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea seeing where we were. Instead, I gave him a gentle smile to let him know everything was okay. The corners of his mouth lifted.

  “So, what does this mean for us?” he asked.

  “It means I’m okay with us being more than best friends.”

  “You mean like,” he looked around and said lowly, “boyfriends?”

  I tilted my head slightly. “Yeah, I suppose you could call it that.”

  Brad’s smile broadened. “Boyfriends…I’d like that.”

  “You know we can’t let anyone know about this? Especially our parents.”

  “Oh God, no.” Brad shook his head adamantly. “All morning while I was helping John I kept thinking about how he would react if he knew I was gay…and, well, he’d probably throw me out of the house.”

  “I understand. I talked to Mom about my attraction to guys, but I told her I didn’t want Dad to know, at least not yet.”

  “You told your mom?” Brad asked a little surprised.

  “Yeah, I had to do something. I thought I was going crazy. Mom is a psychiatrist. I knew she would know what’s wrong with me. I just never had the courage to talk to her about it until now.”

 

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