In the meantime, I carried on with the messages from Jaxon. I created a little teenage falling-out – he was suspicious, thinking that Jade was faking her hospitalization in order to avoid meeting up with him. We’d smoothed it over, but now I need to step it up again. As the taxi pulls up, I take the spare phone from my bag and send another text, then make sure I put the phone on silent. And that’s my cue. I swing out of the taxi and walk up to the hospital, my steps steady and sure.
She’s sitting up in her hospital bed, anxiously jabbing at her phone. She looks quite fragile, her skin almost translucent, her face without make-up shockingly stripped back and revealed, the large, dark blue eyes clear and shining.
I stand in the doorway, waiting a few seconds before I step forward and speak. ‘Hi again.’ She starts, looking up at me, still clutching her phone. I can see at once that she’s struggling to act naturally, to focus on anything except the message she’s just received, and that those eyes are actually shining with tears. ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask.
‘Nothing,’ she begins to say, but her voice is strained and choked. She drops her gaze, staring at the bedsheet.
I come forward into the room and sit down next to her. ‘Is it this boy? Jaxon?’
She glances up at me quickly. ‘I didn’t know you knew about that.’
‘Your dad told me.’ I don’t want to say too much. I’m not sure how much Alex knows about the whole thing; he only mentioned it yesterday, briefly and cryptically. So I just smile sympathetically and stroke her hand. ‘Has something happened?’
Jade takes a breath, and she’s clearly wondering if she trusts me enough to open up to me. The answer, under normal circumstances, would probably be no. But she’s upset, and I’m the only one here, and perhaps she knows that I’ll be less strict about this than her father. Because I’m not her mother. On some deep, dark level, she knows I don’t really care.
‘He’s just texted me,’ she says quietly. ‘He’s saying he’s still not sure if I’m making it up about being in hospital, and he thinks I’m just playing with him. This is so – so frustrating. I don’t want him to come here and see me like this. But he’s going to lose interest, and I don’t want …’ She breaks off, rubbing a fist angrily across her eyes.
‘I understand,’ I say firmly.
‘Really?’ She shoots a slightly suspicious glance in my direction, wiping away the tears.
‘Of course.’ I pause, wondering whether to continue, but the mood feels right. ‘Look, the reason I’m here is that last time your dad and I visited, the doctors said you were pretty much ready to get out of here. He’s out tonight, so I was going to suggest that you came back with me to the hotel and we could surprise him. But maybe …’ I let the silence stretch, as if I’m weighing it up. ‘You do feel better, don’t you?’
‘Ye-es …’ she says cautiously.
‘Well,’ I continue, with studied reluctance, ‘perhaps … you could suggest to this guy that you meet up tonight. We could go there first, before going back to the hotel. I could take you, wait somewhere nearby so that I know you’re safe.’
Jade blinks slowly, her lips slightly parted. I mentally chastise myself; I’ve put this on her a bit quickly, not given her time to catch up. When she’s absorbed what I’ve said, there’s a faint spark of excitement in her eyes, but her overriding expression is one of concern. ‘I don’t know,’ she says.
I cock my head to one side, press my hands together. ‘Have I misunderstood? I mean, if you don’t want to, that’s fine, but …’
‘It’s not that,’ she says quickly. ‘It’s just …’ A blush has appeared on her cheeks and she isn’t quite looking me in the eye. ‘I look awful,’ she mumbles eventually. ‘I haven’t got any decent going-out clothes here, I’ve got no lipstick or blusher or anything … I don’t want him to think I can’t be bothered to make an effort.’
I want to laugh with sheer relief. ‘Is that all you’re worried about?’ For a moment I deliberate launching into an impassioned speech about how a boy should love you for what’s inside, but I change my mind. Who am I kidding? ‘I can help with that,’ I say decisively. ‘We’ll stop by the hotel on our way and I can fix you up.’
‘Really?’ Jade says, more eagerly now. ‘Well, in that case …’ She smiles, unable to stop herself. ‘I’ll text him now. Argh, I can’t believe it! Do you think it’ll go OK?’
‘I’m absolutely sure it will,’ I say, standing up. ‘Let me go and find the doctor now, and get you a discharge form.’
It takes longer than I anticipate to track down the right person and the right form, and I can see the doctor isn’t sure about this plan. He points out that they were envisaging Jade being in for a few more days, to be certain that she’s ready. But I stand firm, telling him that there’s a birthday surprise for her father and that she can’t miss it. We’ll bring her in for another check-up later in the week – even re-admit her if necessary – and it will all be fine. ‘Now, where do I sign?’ I say brightly, and although I can tell he still isn’t convinced, he also knows that he has no right to prevent me.
As I’m walking back towards Jade’s room I check my spare phone and see that she’s sent Jaxon a text. Hey babe, I promise I still want to meet. I can actually do this eve if you wanna?!! I’m getting out of here.
I pause to send back a suitably encouraging reply. serioussss?? of course babe. i cant meet til bit later but meet u in portslade? I can’t imagine Jade being too fussy about the location for her first date, and I have a place in mind. Stick to what you know.
She’s already out of bed and tugging on her boots when I return, and she beams up at me, clearly raring to go.
‘Ready?’ I ask, and there’s an inexplicable lump in my throat.
She nods and stands up to face me. She stumbles slightly as she does so, her legs still a little weak, and I reach out to steady her. The room is very still, a shaft of late sunlight falling through the slats of the window and shining on her face, making her look like an angel.
‘Thanks for doing this, Natalie,’ she says quietly. ‘I really do appreciate it. I know you understand what it’s like … What it’s like to be in love.’
And it’s true. I do.
Alex
September 2017
THE HOLD MUSIC seems to last for ever. My nerves are shredded with the waiting and I’m on the point of hanging up and dialling again when the music abruptly cuts out. ‘Hello?’ I recognize the clipped tones of Doctor Rai. ‘Mr Carmichael? I understand you’re calling about your daughter?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I just want to speak to her, please.’
The doctor clears his throat, and when he speaks again his voice is a little diffident. ‘Jade is no longer here at the hospital,’ he says. ‘She left earlier this evening, with her mother. It was contrary to our advice, but her mother was quite insistent. I assume there has been some kind of breakdown in communication and that she hasn’t managed to inform you?’
For a few seconds I’m silent. My throat is suddenly dry, and I have to force myself to speak. ‘Stepmother,’ I say at last.
‘I’m sorry?’ the doctor begins to say, but his voice is already fading from earshot as I pull the phone away and stare at it, then press the button to hang up.
When I turn around I see that Rachel has followed me outside. I don’t know how long she’s been standing there, but it’s clear that she can tell by my expression that something is very wrong. Her eyes are searching and anxious, huge in her pale face. She puts out a hand and touches my arm, silently asking a question.
‘They don’t know where she is,’ I say. ‘The hospital. My daughter isn’t there anymore. She’s gone with my wife.’
Saying it aloud makes it real. I realize with a sick lurch of terror that these words don’t sound as innocent as they should. ‘Come on.’
I set off down the esplanade, Rachel hurrying behind me, and as I do so I call Natalie. Her phone rings, but goes to voicemail. The familiar lilting message kick
s in: Hey, this is Natalie. I’m not here right now, but I’ll get back to you. The sound of her voice is briefly reassuring – its untroubled normality. This is my wife, I remind myself. I’m letting myself get carried away with the strangeness of this situation. Whatever Natalie is doing, she’ll have her reasons. Surely, it will be OK.
‘Hi, sweetheart,’ I say. It’s an effort, but I force myself to sound calm. ‘I’ve just been speaking to the hospital, and they tell me you’ve taken Jade home. Bit surprising – can you give me a ring and let me know what’s going on? Speak soon.’
I hang up and keep on, turning a corner up the street that will lead us to the hotel. ‘I expect they’ll be back at the room where we’re staying,’ I say to Rachel. ‘I’ll just go straight there.’
‘Right,’ she says. Her face is still very pale, her hands clenched into fists at her sides as she walks and her hair unravelling from the bun piled on top of her head and falling around her face, making her look more like Natalie. ‘I’ll come with you, and wait outside. If they’re there, just don’t come back out. I’ll wait for a while, and then go away.’
‘You don’t want to see her?’ I ask. ‘You’re sure?’
She says nothing, just shakes her head and keeps on walking. For a second, something that looks like pain flashes across her face.
It doesn’t take long to reach the hotel at the speed we’re going, and I pause for a moment outside to catch my breath. ‘OK,’ I say. ‘I’ll go in and find them now. I’m sure they’ll be here. So if I don’t come back, then …’ I pause. A goodbye feels sudden and premature, but I don’t know what other parting shot there can be, and after a moment I just raise my hand in a vague gesture of farewell, not quite looking her in the eye. She nods and leans back against the wall, turning her head away.
I hurry across the hotel lobby and into the lift, fumbling in my pocket for the room key. As I rise slowly through the levels, I try and regulate my heartbeat, take some deep breaths. I tell myself that in a few moments all this will be over. I’ll be able to hold my daughter, and to look into my wife’s eyes and let her know that I know the truth now, and that I’m ready to look past all the things she’s done before and find the person I love still waiting there. I want us to settle down, all crowded together on the bed, and watch something tame and harmless on the television before ordering room service and maybe going for a short stroll before bed. These thoughts are flashing in my head, bright flares of hope, as I unlock the door and push it open.
I see at once that the room is empty, but I don’t want to believe it, and I go inside and circle it stupidly, looking in the bathroom, calling Jade’s name. The edge of the bed is crumpled, as if it’s been recently sat on, and a wave of heat emanates from the shower cubicle, warm droplets of water still clinging to the glass screen. Someone has been here, very recently, but now they’ve gone. I turn back into the room, and that’s when I see Jade’s mobile, with its distinctive pink casing, lying on the floor by the bed. I bend down swiftly to pick it up, but of course it’s locked and try as I might, I can’t remember the pin code. My head feels soft and fuzzy, my thoughts mashing up against one another like cotton wool.
I stand there holding the phone in my hand for a minute, then cross to the window and peer down on to the street. Rachel is still standing there, leaning against the wall. She’s lit a cigarette and she’s smoking it in quick anxious drags, occasionally craning her head back towards the lobby, searching for me. She isn’t going anywhere, I realize. She knows that her sister isn’t here. She knows her better than I do.
Something starts rising up inside me, some undefinable dark horror so huge that it could entirely engulf me if I let it. I force it back down. I need to be focused. I’ll call Natalie again, see if I can get through. I don’t believe in God, but I screw my eyes tight shut and pray to whatever is out there as I listen to the phone ring, but no one is listening and it goes through to voicemail again. This time I don’t leave a message.
When I’m back out on the street I don’t need to say anything. Rachel turns round, tossing the remnants of the cigarette to the ground. ‘Where else might she have gone?’ She speaks levelly and with a sick jolt of foreboding I realize she’s trying to keep me calm. ‘Any places she particularly likes, or goes to a lot?’
‘Natalie, you mean?’ I try and think. ‘She goes down by the sea a lot?’ I’m uselessly scanning the seafront from our vantage point on the hill, my eyes searching out the rocks where we spoke the other night, but there are only a few children playing in the last of the fading light, scampering back and forth and tossing a ball between them.
Rachel shakes her head. ‘No. It’s too open.’
Too open for what, I almost ask, but then I realize I don’t want to know the answer. I try and screw my thoughts back into place, think about my wife’s habits and routines. ‘I don’t fucking know,’ I say, my voice rising. ‘I have no idea where she might be. What the hell am I going to do?’
Before Rachel has a chance to answer, Jade’s mobile vibrates in my pocket. I snatch it up, staring at the screen. I still can’t unlock it, but I can see the notification of a new message. Katie: sorry had to have dinner. ahh this is so exciting!! you have to let me … The rest of the message is cut off, but it’s enough to tell me that she and Jade must have been in contact very recently.
Rachel is looking over my shoulder. ‘Do you have her number?’
I shake my head. ‘No, but I know where she lives.’ I dropped Jade off at Katie’s house a couple of months ago for a sleepover. Elmstead Road. I don’t remember the number, but I have a vague memory of the house – whitewashed, with a distinctive pale yellow door.
‘We should go there,’ Rachel says.
‘We’ll have to get a taxi. It’ll take too long otherwise.’ I curse the inane pseudo-environmental principles that made me decide to give up my car a couple of years ago. The truth was that it had little to do with the environment and everything to do with the fact that it was an expense that I didn’t really need. I need it now, when it’s too late.
I’m already striding down the road towards the main stretch, scanning the street for a taxi. It’s probably only a few minutes before I see one rounding the bend, its light gleaming in the dusk, but it feels like an eternity. I can’t think of anything but making sure that Jade is safe. I want her right here beside me, right now, and I can barely believe that the force of my wanting this can’t make it happen.
I climb into the taxi and ask the driver to take us to Elmstead Road, adding that he may need to wait and take us on to other destinations if we don’t find what we’re looking for. The cabbie grumbles a little at first, and I wordlessly fish in my pocket and pull out the notes I have there, hold them up for him to see. His eyes flick to the rear-view mirror, and he shrugs, then swings away from the kerb and sets off down the long sea road.
The journey to Katie’s house is barely ten minutes. We sit side by side in the back seat, not speaking. Occasionally Rachel glances across at me, reaches out her hand to touch mine. I register the intimacy of this, the strangeness of it. I feel as if I’m somewhere above myself, looking down from a height, dispassionately watching this unfold.
‘It’ll be OK,’ she says once, and I nod, then turn to stare out of the window, watching the gardens flash past, the bright smears of green lit by streetlights in the rapidly falling dark.
As soon as we pull up at the end of the street I’m out of the car, running up towards the house that I’ve already picked out. I ring the doorbell, long and hard. I can see some activity through the frosted glass panel, and Katie’s mother flings the door open, clearly gearing up for a rant, but when she sees it’s me the wind is taken out of her sails and she abruptly shuts her mouth, then smiles uncertainly.
‘Oh, hi,’ she says. ‘Um, Alex, isn’t it?’
I don’t have time for niceties. ‘Is Katie in?’
‘Er, yes,’ she says, glancing quickly behind her. ‘She’s just finishing off her homework befo
re bed. Is something wrong?’
‘I need to speak to her about Jade,’ I say. I grope for the words that would make this feel more acceptable, and I can’t find them; there’s only a growing urgency, a panic rising in my chest and stifling everything else.
‘We’re sorry to disturb you,’ Rachel chimes in, ‘but it is important, I’m afraid. We need to talk to Katie about some messages that Jade may have sent her this evening.’ Her tone is reassuringly level, and I can see that Katie’s mother feels more comfortable with her than with me, so I say nothing, just nod and wait.
‘OK,’ the woman says, if a little uncertainly, and then half turns to shout up the stairs. ‘Katie! Can you come down? There’s someone here to see you.’
A moment later Katie appears at the top of the stairs, all dark wavy hair, a rolled-up school skirt and suspiciously long curled eyelashes. She looks like a woman, and she’s the same age as Jade. These girls aren’t just growing up fast; they think they’re already there, already in control, and they’re so wrong. My heart tightens at the thought, and I force past the lump in my throat. ‘Katie, I’m sorry to bother you. You’re not in any trouble, but I really need to know if Jade has said anything to you about where she is tonight.’
‘Ah …’ Katie looks instantly guilty, stalling, and shooting a quick glance at her mother. ‘I dunno.’
‘I don’t think that’s true,’ I say, fighting hard to keep my voice steady. ‘Look, Jade should still be in hospital. I’m very worried about her, and I have reason to believe that something may have happened to her. If you’re worrying that you’re going to get her into trouble, then please don’t. Punishing her is the last thing on my mind. I just need to make sure she’s safe.’
The Second Wife Page 27