I had to have help.
I went to Swanson’s room. He was slow to respond to my knock—busy transmitting, no doubt. I could hear him within but he didn’t answer.
“Swanson?” I called. “Swanson?” Then I added the distress signal in the Homeworld tongue. He rushed to the door. Blinking, suspicious. “It’s all right,” I said. “Look, let me in. I’m in big trouble.”
Speaking English. But I gave him the distress signal again.
“How did you know about me?” he asked.
“The day the maid blundered into your room while you were eating, I was going by. I saw.”
“But you aren’t supposed to—”
“Except in emergencies. This is an emergency.”
He shut off his ultrawave and listened intently to my story. Scowling. He didn’t approve. But he wouldn’t spurn me. I had been criminally foolish but I was of his kind, prey to the same pains, the same lonelinesses, and he would help me.
“What do you plan to do now?” he asked. “You can’t harm her. It isn’t allowed.”
“I don’t want to harm her. Just to get free of her. To make her fall out of love with me.”
“How? If showing yourself to her didn’t—”
“Infidelity,” I said. “Making her see that I love someone else. No room in my life for her. That’ll drive her away. Afterwards it won’t matter that she knows—who’d believe her story? The FBI would laugh and tell her to lay off the LSD. But if I don’t break her attachment to me I’m finished.”
“Love someone else? Who?”
“When she comes back to my room at dawn,” I said, “she’ll find the two of us together, dividing and abstracting. I think that’ll do it, don’t you?”
So I deceived Elizabeth with Swanson.
The fact that we both wore male human identities was irrelevant, of course. We went to my room and stepped out of our disguises—a bold, dizzying sensation—and suddenly we were just two Homeworlders again, receptive to one another’s needs. I left the door unlocked. Swanson and I crawled up on my bed and began the chanting. How strange it was after these years of solitude to feel those vibrations again! And how beautiful. Swanson’s vibrissae touching mine. The interplay of harmonies. An underlying sternness to his technique—he was contemptuous of me for my idiocy and rightly so—but once we passed from the chanting to the dividing all was forgiven. And as we moved into the abstracting it was truly sublime. We climbed through an infinity of climactic emptyings. Dawn crept upon us and found us unwilling to halt even for rest.
A knock at the door. Elizabeth.
“Come in,” I said.
A dreamy, ecstatic look on her face. Fading instantly when she saw the two of us entangled on the bed. A questioning frown.
“We’ve been mating,” I explained. “Did you think I was a complete hermit?” She looked from Swanson to me, from me to Swanson. Hand over her mouth. Eyes anguished. I turned the screw a little tighter. “I couldn’t stop you from falling in love with me, Elizabeth. But I really do prefer my own kind. As should have been obvious.”
“To have her here now, though—when you knew I was coming back—”
“Not her, exactly. Not him exactly either, though.”
“—so cruel, David! To ruin such a beautiful experience.” Holding forth sheets of paper with shaking hands. “A whole sonnet cycle,” she said. “About tonight. How beautiful it was and all. And now—and now—” Crumpling the pages. Hurling them across the room. Turning. Running out, sobbing furiously. Hell hath no fury like. “David!” A smothered cry. And slamming the door.
She was back in ten minutes. Swanson and I hadn’t quite finished donning our bodies yet—we were both still unsealed. As we worked we discussed further steps to take. He felt honor demanded that I request a transfer back to Homeworld, having terminated my usefulness here through tonight’s indiscreet revelation. I agreed with him to some degree but was reluctant to leave. Despite the bodily torment of life on Earth I had come to feel I belonged here.
Then Elizabeth entered, radiant.
“I mustn’t be so possessive,” she announced. “So bourgeois. So conventional. I’m willing to share my love.” Embracing Swanson. Embracing me. “A ménage à trois,” she said. “I won’t mind that you two are having a physical relationship. As long as you don’t shut me out of your lives completely. I mean, David, we could never have been physical anyway, right, but we can have the other aspects of love. And we’ll open ourselves to your friend also. Yes? Yes? Yes?”
Swanson and I both put in applications for transfer, he to Africa, I to Homeworld. It would be some time before we received a reply. Until then we were at her mercy. He was blazingly angry with me for involving him in this, but what choice had I had? Nor could either of us avoid Elizabeth. We were at her mercy. She bathed both of us in shimmering waves of tender emotion; wherever we turned, there she was, incandescent with love. Lighting up the darkness of our lives. You poor lonely creatures. Do you suffer much in our gravity? What about the heat? And the winters. Is there a custom of marriage on your planet? Do you have poetry?
A happy threesome. We went to the theater together. To concerts. Even to parties in Greenwich Village.
“My friends,” Elizabeth said, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that she was living with both of us. Faintly scandalous doings; she loved to seem daring. Swanson was sullenly obliging, putting up with her antics but privately haranguing me for subjecting him to all this. Elizabeth got out another mimeographed booklet of poems, dedicated to both of us. Triple Tripping, she called it. Flagrantly erotic. I quoted a few of the poems in one of my reports to Homeworld, then lost heart and hid the booklet in the closet.
“Have you heard about your transfer yet?” I asked Swanson at least twice a week.
He hadn’t. Neither had I.
Autumn came. Elizabeth, burning her candle at both ends, looked gaunt and feverish.
“I have never known such happiness,” she announced frequently, one hand clasping Swanson, the other me. “I never think about the strangeness of you any more. I think of you only as people. Sweet, wonderful, lonely people. Here in the darkness of this horrid city.”
And she once said, “What if everybody here is like you and I’m the only one who’s really human? But that’s silly. You must be the only ones of your kind here. The advance scouts. Will your planet invade ours? I do hope so! Set everything to rights. The reign of love and reason at last!”
“How long will this go on?” Swanson muttered.
At the end of October his transfer came through. He left without saying goodbye to either of us and without leaving a forwarding address. Nairobi? Addis Ababa? Kinshasa?
I had grown accustomed to having him around to share the burden of Elizabeth. Now the full brunt of her affection fell on me. My work was suffering. I had no time to file my reports properly. And I lived in fear of her gossiping. What was she telling her Village friends? (You know David? He’s not really a man, you know. Actually inside him there’s a kind of crab-thing from another solar system. But what does that matter? Love’s a universal phenomenon. The truly loving person doesn’t draw limits around the planet.) I longed for my release. To go home, to accept my punishment, to shed my false skin. To empty my mind of Elizabeth.
My reply came through the ultrawave on November 13. Application denied. I was to remain on Earth and continue my work as before. Transfers to Homeworld were granted only for reasons of health.
I debated sending a full account of my treason to Homeworld and thus bringing about my certain recall. But I hesitated, overwhelmed with despair. Dark brooding seized me.
“Why so sad?” Elizabeth asked. What could I say? That my attempt at escaping from her had failed? “I love you,” she said. “I’ve never felt so real before.” Nuzzling against my cheek. Fingers knotted in my hair. A seductive whisper. “David, open yourself up again. Your chest, I mean. I want to see the inner you. To make sure I’m not frightened of it. Please? You’ve only let
me see you once.” And then, when I had: “May I kiss you, David?”
I was appalled. But I let her. She was unafraid. Transfigured by happiness. She is a cosmic nuisance but I fear I’m getting to like her.
Can I leave her? I wish Swanson had not vanished. I need advice.
Either I break with Elizabeth or I break with Homeworld. This is absurd. I find new chasms of despondency every day. I am unable to do my work. I have requested a transfer once again, without giving details. The first snow of the winter today.
Application denied.
“When I found you with Swanson,” she said, “it was a terrible shock. An even bigger blow than when you first came out of your chest. I mean, it was startling to find out you weren’t human but it didn’t hit me in any emotional way—it didn’t threaten me. But then to come back a few hours later and find you with one of your own kind, to know that you wanted to shut me out, that I had no place in your life—only we worked it out, didn’t we?”
Kissing me. Tears of joy in her eyes. How did this happen? Where did it all begin? Existence was once so simple. I have tried to trace the chain of events that brought me from there to here and I cannot. I was outside of my false body for eight hours today. The longest spell so far. Elizabeth is talking of going to the islands with me for the winter. A secluded cottage that her friends will make available. Of course, I must not leave my post without permission. And it takes months simply to get a reply.
Let me admit the truth: I love her.
January 1. The new year begins. I have sent my resignation to Homeworld and have destroyed my ultrawave equipment. The links are broken. Tomorrow, when the city offices are open, Elizabeth and I will go to get the marriage license.
GOING
In the 1970’s I assembled a number of “triplet” theme anthologies, in which some well-known science-fiction writer was asked to provide a provocative idea that would be used as the basis for a trio of novella-length stories by the chosen contributors. Sometimes I provided the theme idea myself, sometimes I asked other writers to set the theme.
The first of these books, Three for Tomorrow, was based on a theme proposed by Arthur C. Clarke, and the stories were written by Roger Zelazny, James Blish, and me. It was so successful that I immediately organized a second such volume, this time working from an idea (actually, four of them) provided by Isaac Asimov. Four Futures was the name of the book; Asimov offered an assortment of scenarios dealing with life in the twenty-first century, which he pictured as a time of political stability, a leveling of population growth, and a significant increase in the human life-span. I invited three prominent writers of the period, R.A. Lafferty, Alexei Panshin, and Harry Harrison, to choose from this group of themes, and took the remaining one for myself.
My story, “Going,” was written in June, 1970, somewhat past the midpoint of that period of great creative fertility for me that had recently seen the production of the novels The World Inside, Tower of Glass, and Son of Man, a host of short stories, and the early chapters of the Nebula-winning book A Time of Changes. Unlike most of those works, many of which were marked by great flamboyance of prose, all sorts of special effects, its tone is quiet, almost elegiac, as its theme seemed to require. I thought for a time afterward of expanding it into a novel, but ultimately decided against it: at any greater length it would probably have become even more introspective, and that was not the right direction for science fiction in that era. As is true of so many novellas, “Going” was just right at its own length, neither too long nor too short.
——————
One
In the early spring of 2095, with his one hundred thirty-sixth birthday coming on, Henry Staunt decided quite abruptly that the moment had arrived for him to Go. He would notify the Office of Fulfillment, get himself a congenial Guide, take a suite in one of the better Houses of Leavetaking. With the most pleasant season of the year about to unfurl, the timing would be ideal; he could make his farewells and renunciations during these cool green months and get decently out of the way before summer’s blazing eye was open.
This was the first time that he had ever seriously considered Going, and he felt some surprise that the notion had stolen upon him so suddenly. Why, he wondered, was he willing to end it this morning, when he clearly had not been last week, last month, last year? What invisible watershed had he unknowingly crossed, what imperceptible valley of decision? Perhaps this was only a vagrant morning mood; perhaps by noon he would find himself eager to live another hundred years, after all. Eh? No, not likely. He was aware of the resolution, hard and firm, embedded, encapsulated, shining like a glittering pellet at the core of his soul. Arrange for your Going, Henry. Nothing equivocal about that. A tone of certainty. Of finality. Still, he thought, we must not hurry into this. First let me understand my own motives in coming to this decision. The unexamined death is not worth requesting.
He had heard that it was useful, when thoughts of Going first came into one’s mind, to consult that book of Hallam’s—the handbook of dying, the anatomy of world-renunciation. Very well. Staunt touched a bright enameled control stud and the screen opposite the window flowered into color. “Sir?” the library machine asked him.
Staunt said, “Hallam’s book. The one about dying.”
“The Turning of the Wheel: Departure as Consolation, sir?”
“Yes.”
Instantly its title page was on the screen. Staunt picked up the scanning rod and pressed it here and there and there, randomly, bringing this page and that into view. He admired the clarity of the image. The type was bold and elegant, the margins were wide; not for several moments did he begin paying attention to the text.
…essential that the decision, when it is made, be made for the proper reasons. Although sooner or later we must all turn the wheel, abandoning the world to those who await a place in it, nevertheless no one should leave in resentment, thinking that he has been driven too soon from the worldly sphere. It is the task of the civilized man to bring himself, in the fullness of time, to an acceptance of the knowledge that his life has been completed; Going should not be undertaken by anyone who is not wholly ready, and attaining that state of readiness should be our lifelong goal. Too often we delude ourselves into thinking we are truly ready, when actually we have not reached readiness at all, and choose Going out of unworthy or shallow motives. How tragic it is to arrive at the actual moment of Leavetaking and to realize that one has deceived one’s self, that one’s motivations are false, that one is, in fact, not in the least ready to Go!
There are many improper reasons for choosing to Go, but they all may be classified as expressions of the desire to escape. One who is experiencing emotional frustration, or difficulty with his work, or a deterioration of health, or intense fatigue, or disappointment of some kind, may, in a moment of dark whim, apply to a House of Leavetaking; but his real intention is a trivial one, that is, to punish the cruel world by escaping from it. One should never look upon Going as a way of getting even. I must point out again that Going is something more than mere suicide. Going is not a petulant, irrational, vindictive deed. It is a positive act, an act of willing renunciation, a deeply moral act; one does not enter into it lightly, solely to escape. One does not say: I loathe you, foul world, therefore I take my leave, and good riddance. One says: I love you, fair world, but I have experienced your joys to the fullest, and now remove myself so that others may know the same joys.
When one first considers Going, therefore, one must strive to discover if one has attained true readiness—that is, the genuine willingness to put aside the world for the sake of others—or if one is simply seeking to satisfy the ego through the gesture of suicide—
There was much more in that vein. He would read it some other time. He turned the screen off.
So. To find the motive for wanting to Go. Walking slowly through the cool, spacious rooms of his old suburban house, Staunt searched for his reasons. His health? Perfect. He was tall, slender, still strong, wit
h his own teeth and a full head of thick, close-cropped white hair. He hadn’t had major surgery since the pancreas transplant nearly seventy years before. Each year he had his arteries retuned, his eyesight adjusted, and his metabolism enhanced, but at his age those were routine things; basically he was a very healthy man. With the right sort of medical care, and everyone nowadays had the right sort of medical care, his body would go on functioning smoothly for decades more.
What then? Emotional problems? Hardly. He had his friends; he had his family; his life had never been more serene than it was now. His work? Well, he rarely worked any longer: some sketches, some outlines for future compositions, but he knew he would never get around to finishing them. No matter. He had only happy thoughts about his work. Worries over the state of the world? No, the world was in fine shape. Rarely finer.
Boredom, perhaps. Perhaps. He had grown weary of his tranquil life, weary of being content, weary of his beautiful surroundings, weary of going through the motions of life. That could be it. He went to the thick clear window of the living room and peered out at the view that had given him so much delight for so many years. The lawn, still pale from winter, sloped evenly and serenely toward the brook, where stubby skunk cabbages clustered. The dogwoods held the first hints of color; the crocuses were not quite finished; the heavy buds of the daffodils would be bursting by Saturday. All was well outside. Lovely. As it always was, this time of year. Yet he was unmoved. It did not sadden him to think that he would probably not see another spring. There’s the heart of it, Staunt thought: I must be ripe for Going, because I don’t care to stay. It’s that simple. I’ve done all I care to do, I’ve seen all I care to see; now I might just as well move along. The wheel has to turn. Others are waiting to fill my place. It is a far, far better thing I do, et cetera, et cetera.
The Collected Stories of Robert Silverberg, Volume 3: Something Wild Is Loose: 1969-72 Page 12