I could not believe it.
“Did you have a look at the price tag?” I lowered my voice. Monika did not care.
“I have saved all my life for this day, Allie. It does not matter.”
I wondered what Roman would think if he saw it?
Elke was overjoyed when she saw that Monika wanted buy the gown and rushed to find the perfect matching veil. She said they would deliver the gown that afternoon. Monika was happy, changed back in her Laura Ashley dress. She told Elke the delivery address.
To my disappointment, she still wanted to buy a pair of shoes. I realized the shopping was not over yet. The hard bit was over I kept telling myself. The shoes could not possibly take long.
I glanced at my watch. We had been here for over three hours. My stomach grumbled.
Monika picked a silver pair of bridal shoes with a small heel. Elke wrapped everything up. Monika pointed at a strapless bridesmaid dress.
“I want you to get a dress, too, Allie. Do you like this one?” I looked at the dress she held in her hand.
“I think you would look lovely in it,” she said.
The dress was far too small for me. I could be any size by the time the wedding was, especially if I kept eating as I did this morning. Monika insisted I should try it on. I dragged myself to the fitting room.
The dress was knee-length in a midnight blue colour, and came with a white bolero jacket. As soon as I pulled it over my head, I knew I had put on weight. I stood in front of the mirror, unsure of what to do. Try to hold your head together, I told myself. It is not the end of the world. Putting on weight is normal in my condition. The question was how long could I hide it? While I struggled to get out of the dress, my stomach turned and I nearly brought up my breakfast.
“How are you doing? Are you happy with the size?” Elke asked me from behind the door.
“Can I have that one two sizes up?” I asked her, lowering my voice.
“But that would far too big for you.”
“I have quite big hips, believe it or not,” I lied.
“Oh, Allie, you have not even shown me what it looks like,” Monika called out when she saw me changed back into my skirt and jumper.
I swallowed uneasily. “I love the colour, and it fits perfectly.” Elke gave me a strange look.
I pulled Monika away.
“As long as you are happy with it,” Monika said, not really convinced.
“I still want to have a look at a pair of gloves,” Monika said. “Sure, take your time. I’ll wait for you on the couch.” My hands were shaking and I felt exhausted. Since when did I lose my breath trying on a dress?
Monika just bought me a bridesmaid dress, where I should rather buy maternity clothes. It was going all wrong. I leaned back in my seat and looked through the window at the busy traffic outside, trying to wear an expression that was part relaxed, part happy, but it was not easy. How could I plan a wedding without thinking the whole time about Jules? Monika came back and asked me for my opinion on a few bracelets that would complement the gown. I did not know how much longer I could give her advice. The wedding thing was getting to me. Besides, it did not matter what I said. Monika did not listen to me, anyway. At the end of the day, she would buy what she wanted.
Monika came back with a veil in her hand. “Do you like it?” She asked me.
It took a while before I answered.
“The veil suits you beautifully,” I said finally.
“But I haven’t even tried it on yet, Allie.”
“I mean it would suit you nicely. You can wear anything.” “Do you think Roman will like it?”
“I am sure he will.”
“Okay, I’ll buy it.”
All of a sudden I had a sickening feeling.
“Every man would love it,” Elke said. “This veil will wake every desire in a man.”
Monika seemed to be happy with the answer.
“Are you all right?” Elke asked me.
“I am still a little jetlag, I think.”
“Allie came all the way from Australia to be my bridesmaid. Isn’t that great?” Monika explained proudly. “Why don’t you go outside and get some fresh air, Allie?”
I would not call it that with the traffic outside and said, “That’s a good idea.”
The noise of traffic became louder, buses, trams coming and going, kids in pushers screaming, people arguing. A tall man in a suit walked past and stopped in front of the window. His cell phone rang. He answered it.
I stared at him through the large glass windows and the face looking in my direction stunned me: aristocratic nose, strong bone structure. He turned away, checking to see whether it was safe to cross the road. The resemblance was enormous. At first, I thought that I was hallucinating but then he turned his head back towards me again and stared back. He looked so familiar, except for the beard. Could it be possible? Jules was in Cologne. My heart raced and I prayed it would be Jules, but my mind said it could not be him. Jules did not have a beard. That did not mean a thing. He could have grown one. No, that could not be him!
I heard Monika saying, “I think I will take a pair of earrings as well. Which ones do you like better, Allie, the dangly pair or the studs?”
It took me a few seconds to find my voice again. It sounded strange, not at all like mine. I finally spoke. “Sorry, what did you say?”
“You look like you saw a ghost,” Monika laughed but she was too busy to give me more attention.
If only she knew how true those words were, I thought. I could not care less about the dress, the veil, and the earrings. Without saying a word, I walked out the door.
Where was he? What direction did he go? I knew it was silly to think it could have been Jules, but there was a possibility. Why did he turn around and look at me a second time? Was I acting strangely? Was I hallucinating? I headed north, but realized too soon that I had lost him. My disappointment was immense when I walked back to the store. My heart hammered against my chest. I stood for a moment, out of breath, unsure what to do next. I walked back inside and saw Monika paying with her credit card.
“I’ve finished,” Monika called. “Let us have lunch now. I am starving.”
Chapter 14
vv
I cannot remember how I got over the next days. It was all a big blur. I spent most of my time with Monika, finding the right invitation cards, table decorations, and flowers and so on. She grew up in a Catholic orphanage. To find a priest and set a date was easy enough but she had not made up her mind yet when the wedding would be, until then everything was on hold.
We saw Father Constantine who lived in a tiny house behind the back of Saint Peter and Paul’s church. He was very helpful and Monika decided finally for the Sunday two weeks away. She loved to compare prices, wanting the best deal for her money. This was fair enough, but on the other hand hard to believe as she had just spent her annual wage on one single dress. I could not believe that she still had money left to pay for the menu and the rent for the first floor of a castle in Bonn. The small castle had a chapel with the honeymoon suite above it. Once in her life she wanted to be a princess. Who could blame her?
Nobody else understood her better than I. Growing up in an orphanage was hard. Her birth parents were drug addicts and died of an overdose when she was five years old. From an early age, she looked after herself. At least Roman and I had each other, while she had nobody.
Almost a week passed since I had seen the man who reminded me so much of Jules. A few times, I walked back to the bridal store to see if I could spot him again. I could not get him out of my head.
“I had never thought that planning a wedding was so tiring,” Monika complained. “I am hungry. Let’s get a Big Mac and fries from MacDonald, Allie.”
I frowned. In the last days, we had only eaten fast food. I was so sick of it. Monika looked at me when she saw my expression, she laughed.
“Oh, Allie, you should see your face. You are right. I am sick of all that take-away food,
too. “Does pizza sound better?” she giggled.
Was pizza not fast food, too? I did not object. We walked towards the Italian Restaurant.
“I have no idea where we shall go for our honeymoon, Allie,” Monika said, frustrated. We found an empty table inside. “Roman said he is happy to go anywhere. I can choose it.” Planning a trip was definitely not on my menu today. I was on my feet for more than eight hours. My brain was empty. If Monika wanted to check out the travel agencies, she had to go by herself. My duty for the day was over.
“The shops are still open for another hour,” Monika said. “Why don’t you think about it after the wedding? You don’t have to decide now,” I suggested.
Monika seemed to be happy with my answer. I relaxed. Our pizzas arrived and for the next ten minutes, neither of us said much. After we finished eating Monika asked me why I moved to Australia.
“I went for a holiday and liked it so much that I decided to live there,” I said.
I told her about the wet season, the rainforest, how wonderful the air smelt after the rain, like something I had never experienced before, so clear and fresh. There was something about the wet season, which I could not explain.
“I asked Roman if you have thought about to come to Australia for your honeymoon,” I said.
“Yes, that would be nice,” Monika, said. “We have to see how much money we have left after the wedding. The flights to Australia are not cheap. Do you miss Roman?”
“Of course, I do,” I said louder than I wanted. “It was hard to leave him behind. You know how close we are.”
Monika was a good listener. Maybe I should tell her I was pregnant. I needed to talk to somebody about it.
“There is something I want to …” I started but Monika interrupted me.
“Oh, shit,” she said all of a sudden and looked at her watch. “I promised my neighbor to look after her baby this afternoon. She has to work. How could I forget that? Allie, do you mind?”
She called the waiter.
“Not at all, that’s fine with me.”
“I am really sorry,” Monika said and grabbed her handbag. I wanted to pay but she insisted. We made our way to the station.
“I am so lucky to get a sister-in-law like you, Allie. I really appreciate all your help.” She lowered her voice. “If you ever need any help, or have a problem let me know. I will always be there for you. Never forget that. Promise me?”
Why should I ever need help? I was perfectly fine by myself. Was I really?
“Nice thing for you to say. Thank you.”
We said good-bye in front of the station and hugged each other.
“I’ll call a few DJs tomorrow. I like Barbara Streisand’s song, ‘It must be you’ as a wedding song. Tell me what you think about it. See you tomorrow. I’ll call you tomorrow.” How could I forget the music? Barbara Streisand or anybody else was fine with me.
I saw her petite body pushing in one of the trams, blending in with the crowd, waving at me, and all of a sudden, I felt guilty. She had nobody except Roman and me. I was such a bad sister- in- law. Why did I not get excited? I was the one who did not deserve her.
I walked back to the apartment. Roman was working. I checked the voice messages on his phone and my cell phone. There was nothing.
I was still hoping to get a call from Australia. When would I finally stop thinking about Jules? He left me. How long did it take to get that into my head?
I went into the kitchen. An empty bottle of Coke was on the table. Roman must have been home. I washed up the dishes and went into my room. All of a sudden, I felt very lonely.
Chapter 15
vv
Next morning Monika rang at ten past ten. She had made an appointment with her hairdresser and could not pick me up before lunch. At least I had some time to myself to focus on me. The more time I spent with Monika the more I grew into some wicked selfish witch and I did not want that... Monika and Roman deserved better.
Monika’s foster parents moved to Spain when she was seventeen years old. They told her to find a place of her own when she had just started her training as a nurse. That must have come as a shock to her. Only the occasional birthday or Christmas card came. When she informed them she was getting married she received a letter that said they would not come. I did not know if Monika missed them or not - I had never asked and Roman had never mentioned a word either. At first, I had no idea what to do with myself. I switched the television on and watched a movie for a while. I switched through the channels, nothing interested me. I turned the television off again.
Roman had left a note on the table that he was working until seven tonight and wished us a happy shopping day. I decided to go back to the nice coffee shop at the corner of the opera house.
I used to spend a lot of time there. It was right in the heart of Cologne. Sometimes I caught up with friends or just sat there by myself, reading the paper. No other place looked so inviting and beautiful with its high ceilings, original lead-light windows and its warm atmosphere. In the middle was a black shiny piano. Sometimes somebody played classical music on it. I came here often because of the cream tarts and the many different cheesecakes. The huge cake buffet was an adventure. They had the most delicious cakes in the world; I had never tasted anything better.
It was bustling with lunchtime business when I arrived. I walked through the large rotating glass entrance. Everything here was glamorous. The waiter led me to a small table, smiling broadly.
“One cup of peppermint tea and a piece of baked marble cheese cake, please,” I ordered.
Most of the tables were full. I was familiar with the place; nothing had changed since I was here last time. People arrived and left constantly. Council-workers, business people - all kinds came here.
While I was waiting, I thought about the last weeks and months. Everything passed by like a movie: the day I moved to Australia; the offer I got to work as a freelance writer; the day I met Jules; the beautiful home I bought. Then the day Jules disappeared, the worst time in my life, the search for him, the fear something could have happened to him, my pregnancy. Now I was planning my brother’s wedding. How bizarre my life had become!
The waiter brought my order. All of a sudden, I did not feel like cheesecake any more. Something took my attention. Among all the people, walking past I spotted him. I immediately recognized the man with the beard I saw in front of the bridal shop. He was wearing the same brown jacket. My heart started to race. The resemblance was enormous. My hand started to shake and I nearly dropped my fork. He sat down at a table nearby, took off his jacket, and laid it neatly over the other chair, exactly as Jules would do. He faced me for a short moment. My heart was beating so loudly, it was drumming in my ears. Then he faced the opposite way. Could it be Jules? What if I was wrong and my mind was playing tricks on me? How would he react if I went over to his table? I had nothing to lose. If it were not him, I would only make myself look a fool. I could live with that. At least I could give my mind a rest and would not ask myself for the rest of my life whether it was he or not. I had to take a chance. I pushed my chair back and walked over to him.
“Excuse me,” I whispered over the back of his shoulder. The man turned towards me. He had brown eyes. Jules’ were blue. My heart sank. Disappointment flooded through me. “Sorry to bother you but I thought…”
He looked at me in stunned silence and for a second I thought his eyes lit up.
“I thought you were somebody else,” I apologized, my eyes glued to him. He did not say anything first then after a pause, he said friendly, “No problem.”
Was that Jules’s voice? I held on to the table. Would I faint any moment?
“Are you feeling all right?” He touched my arm slightly and it felt like electricity through my veins. The way he looked at me no other man had made me feel that way. That was his aftershave, Jules’ woody fragrance, Dolce and Gabbana that I loved so much. I did not know what to do next.
Then everything happened ver
y quickly. A broad-shouldered man wearing black sunglasses approached him.
“Sorry to be late, Richard, I hope you didn’t wait long,” he said. “We can go now.”
He got up and reached his jacket. I tried to catch a glimpse of him again but had no chance. Immediately he turned his head turned away from me, and the two men walked quickly towards the door.
The waiter came with his order. She looked startled, not knowing what to do with his order.
I was so puzzled that I was not sure, if I was dreaming or if it had really happened. A few people looked into my direction. “Do you know the gentleman?” The waiter asked me. “Is he coming back?”
I did not answer her.
A black car with tinted windows stopped in front of the coffee shop. The two men disappeared inside and the car left. Write the number plate down, Allie, now, went through my head. Where was the pen? I fumbled furiously in my bag, but it was too late! The car was gone. I pushed the waiter out of the way and ran outside.
“Taxi” I shouted.
The driver opened the door for me.
“Follow the black car,” I said to him.
If that was Jules, he had a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Slowly I got over my shock that was my chance. My heart was pounding. Nothing seemed more important now than to find out who the man was.
In front of the Hercules’ building, a high rise with more than forty floors, the black car pulled into a parking spot. The two men left the car and crossed the road. I paid the driver and got out, not caring what he thought about me.
The two men argued. The one with the beard pushed the other one aside and walked inside the building. The other one went back to the black car.
I stood there, my head spinning. Would I find out? I took a deep breath and walked towards the building. This was my only chance.
The man behind the counter was reading a book and hardly looked up when I entered. He pushed a button and the electric glass door slid open. Did he know the man with the beard? “My friend walked in a few minutes ago. He has a beard, wearing a brown jacket. I want to surprise him. It is his birthday. Can you tell me the number of his apartment?” He looked at me strangely.
To Catch A Butterfly You Need A Net Page 7