by Greg DePaul
GENERAL SCHMUCKLER
(his voice cracking from the
pressures of war)
We cannot win!
(with emphasis)
We must pull back!
Napoleon takes this in. Then looks General Schmuckler right in the eye and says:
NAPOLEON
(pounding his fist on the table)
Bullshit!
Then he turns, and with dramatic intensity says …
NAPOLEON
We attack!
As Napoleon sweeps his arm across the table, hurling the maps and everything else onto the floor, we …
CUT TO:
See how much better a scene can be when you start much earlier and add all that other, irrelevant crap? I mean, come on—does it rock or what?
If you want to avoid over-writing every scene you ever, uh, over-write, I suggest you go to sleep and wake up every morning repeating these four works: Late Point of Attack.
Say it over and over until it’s part of your DNA. Then take a deep breath and start again. You won’t be sorry, and we won’t have to read scenes full of boring beginnings and unnecessary, descriptive nonsense.
Of course, another way to think about it is this: don’t show any boring stuff.
The Juggling Act
How to manage multiple story lines?
With studios making more and more two-handers, comedy screenwriters are more and more likely to feed the beast what it wants and write two-handers. And that means the reader is following two story lines, if not more.
Or, if you’re writing an ensemble comedy like The Hangover, you are going to need to create separate story lines for more than a couple characters. Each of those story lines will have its own arc stretched over the course of the script. For many writers, this creates an unmanageable problem: How do you track four story lines so that all major characters grow, encounter obstacles, and reach their stories’ climaxes at about the same time in the story?
Get used to breaking your story down into separate component parts and putting it back together again. Just as Navy SEALs must learn to assemble and disassemble their weapons in a matter of seconds while blindfolded, comedy screenwriters must be able to break down and re-build their stories, scene by scene, at the drop of a hat.
Four characters, four separate story lines, no seat belts.
Yes, that’s right, I just compared comedy screenwriters to Navy SEALs.
The best way to demonstrate what I mean is to take a story we already know—We’re the Millers—and add another level of specificity to the diagram we’ve already used. We do that by tracking the separate personal stories within the larger story of the film.
David, Rose, Kenny, and Casey. All four are introduced as loners without close connection to anybody. Over the course of the movie, they each come to realize the value of family. At the end, they are a family.
Let’s look at the scenes that occur along the way and keep track of each of their individual stories within the larger whole:
We’re the Millers (2013)
Screenplay by Bob Fisher & Steve Faber and Sean Anders & John Morris
Key
A) David’s story
B) Rose’s story
C) Kenny’s story
D) Casey’s story
A) David (played by Jason Sudeikis) lives by himself and DEALS dope.
A) David bumps into a friend who MAKES him feel inadequate for being childless.
B) Rose (Jennifer Aniston) STRUGGLES to get through her job as a stripper.
A/B) David TRIES to get money from Rose, whose boyfriend owes David money. They ARGUE.
A) David WORRIES that Kenny (Will Poulter), a teen, is living alone.
A/C) Kenny TRIES to buy drugs from David but David REFUSES.
C/D/A) Kenny STICKS UP for a homeless girl, Casey (Emma Roberts), being mugged, then David STICKS UP FOR Kenny, but bad guys BEAT him up and STEAL his stash and money.
A) Brad, David’s drug boss, MAKES him agree to smuggle drugs across the border.
A) David gets an idea for how to cross the border with drugs.
A/B) David ASKS Rose to join his scheme, but she REFUSES.
A/D) David ASKS Casey to join. She DEMANDS cash, then AGREES.
B) Rose’s boss ASKS her to be a hooker and she QUITS.
A) David MAKES himself over to look like a suburban dad.
A/D) David PUSHES the kids to pretend they’re a family, but Casey RESISTS.
B) Rose AGREES to go but DEMANDS more money.
C/D/A) In the car to Mexico, the kids DEMAND to shoot fireworks but David REFUSES and WARNS them that this is a job, not a vacation.
A) David finally SHOOTS a firework to satisfy them.
A) They PICK up the drugs from drug dealers, but there’s more drugs than they thought. David COMPLAINS to Brad, who TELLS him not to worry.
ALL) A Mexican cop STOPS them and wants sex or money as a bribe to let them go. David TRIES to convince Rose to do it, then CONVINCES Kenny to do it, then DISCOVERS he has the money for a bribe, so nobody does it.
ALL) At border they PRETEND to be a family despite another family that almost EXPOSES them and a border guard that almost DISCOVERS them.
ALL) Driving back, the family RELAXES and BONDS despite David RESISTING acting like a family.
The drug dealers REALIZE they gave drugs to the wrong guy.
ALL) The car BREAKS down and they FIGHT. Rose and Casey WALK OFF.
B/D) Rose and Casey FIGHT.
ALL) They get help from the other family from before, but still must PRETEND to be family. David TELLS the other couple a pretend story about how he met Rose and it TOUCHES Rose. (49)
ALL) They LEARN the car repair shop is closed so they must spend the night with the other family.
B/D) When the other mom DEMANDS to hold Rose’s baby, which is actually a bag of pot, Rose THROWS it onto the road and it breaks open, but Casey MAKES UP a lie justifying it.
B) Playing Pictionary, Rose TALKS dirty like a stripper and very much unlike a suburban mom.
C) Kenny FLIRTS with the suburban couple’s daughter.
ALL) Rose and Casey PUSH David to advise Kenny about girls, so David ADVISES him, which TOUCHES Rose and Casey.
A/B) David and Rose try to SNEAK into the other couple’s tent and the other couple CATCH them but think they’re swingers, so Rose and David PRETEND to swing despite being grossed out.
B/C/D) To TEACH him how to kiss the other family’s daughter, Casey and Rose KISS Kenny, but the other family’s daughter CATCHES them kissing and is grossed out.
A) Don, the other dad, TELLS David he seems romantic with Rose, which intrigues David, so David ADVISES Don about romance.
ALL) The bad guys CAPTURE them all and TELL Brad that David was stealing his pot. Bad guys are about to kill them when …
ALL) Rose DISTRACTS bad guys by doing a strip-per dance and everybody ESCAPES. (73)
C) Kenny STRUGGLES to drive the RV and they crash. A spider bites Kenny’s testicles.
A) David GETS Brad to ADMIT that he lied to David and used him to steal, not pay for, the pot. David PUSHES Brad to give him more money because the job is so dangerous.
B/D) At the hospital, Casey FLIRTS with a creepy guy and Rose CRITICIZES her.
A/C/D) A doctor TELLS them Kenny needs time to recover, and David TRIES to get them to leave without Kenny, but Rose and Casey ADMONISH him for this, so they STICK around.
A/B/D) The creepy guy TAKES Casey out on a date but David and Rose ACT like prudish parents and GRILL him first.
A/B) David WORRIES about Casey. Rose NOTICES that he’s becoming more like a dad and less like the selfish jerk he once was. David and Rose BOND while talking about their pasts. Rose REGRETS her stripper past, but David REASSURES her that she’s a nice person and she REVEALS her real name. They almost kiss.
A/B/D) Casey returns. David and Rose ADMONISH her like parents do.
ALL) David PUSHES Kenny to come back with them because they’re running out of time. Rose and Casey ADMONISH David for being heartless and PUSH him to REVEAL he’s getting paid more than them for this job. They ARGUE. Casey WALKS OUT on the family.
ALL) David TRIES to get the rest to come with him, but they REFUSE and he LEAVES them all.
A) David DRIVES away STRUGGLING not to miss family.
B/C/D) Casey tries to BOND with the creepy guy, but he TRIES to get busy with her and Rose and Kenny RESCUE her.
ALL) David BEGS them to come back with him and PROMISES them more money. They AGREE. (91)
ALL) They run into the other family, and the daughter TELLS her parents what she saw. Under pressure, David, Rose, Kenny, and Casey REVEAL that they are drug runners. Some bad guys ATTACK and Don DEFENDS everybody using only his coffee mug.
ALL) A bad guy CAPTURES them and THREATENS to kill them. David TELLS Rose, Kenny, and Casey that he loves them, TOUCHING them. They ESCAPE when Kenny PUNCHES the bad guy, IMPRESSING the other couple’s daughter, who KISSES Kenny. David KISSES Rose. Don CONSIDERS arresting them, but ALLOWS them to leave.
(ALL) Don and the police ARREST Brad and PUT David and family in witness protection where they now LIVE as a real family.
So there we are. All I did was take my diagram for We’re the Millers and add designations for the four characters’ different personal story lines. I could have added a story line for the bad guys, whose story growth is relevant to the movie. I could also have added a story line for the other family that the “Millers” meet along the way. I could even track the story lines of all three of the characters in that family.
But here’s why I won’t—because part of what makes research so useful is its ability to retain meaning months, or even years, later when you look at the research again. Make it too complicated and you lose that. A diagram that’s only a few pages long is just about right for me—especially when it is one of dozens I might review before starting a new script in that particular genre.
Now let’s say I’m the screenwriter of We’re the Millers. Ka-ching! I just made beaucoup bucks because that film was a raging box-office success. Sadly, however, I did not write We’re the Millers. But let’s pretend I did because it helps me help you understand how to juggle sub-plots.
If I were doing a re-write of the script and I wanted to make changes to Kenny’s story, I would go to my diagram and pull his story out of it. I’d peel the other stories away so I can focus on scenes in which Kenny takes action or is affected by someone else’s action. That includes all the scenes marked “C” in the diagram as well as many of the master scenes using all four main characters.
Below is the result. I edited out a lot of excess verbiage to make it easier to read.
We’re the Millers (Kenny’s Story)
C) Kenny TRIES to buy drugs from David.
C) Kenny STICKS UP FOR a homeless girl, Casey.
ALL) David CONVINCES Kenny to have sex with the Mexican cop.
ALL) At the border they PRETEND to be family.
ALL) Driving back, the family RELAXES and BONDS.
ALL) The car BREAKS down and they FIGHT.
ALL) They get help from another family but still must PRETEND to be a family.
C) Kenny FLIRTS with other couple’s daughter.
ALL) David ADVISES Kenny about girls.
B/C/D) Casey and Rose KISS Kenny to TEACH him how to kiss.
ALL) The bad guys CAPTURE the “Millers,” but they ESCAPE.
C) Kenny STRUGGLES to drive the RV. A spider bites Kenny’s testicles.
A/C/D) They LEARN Kenny needs time to recover.
ALL) David PUSHES Kenny to come back with them.
ALL) Rose, Kenny, and Casey REFUSE to go with David.
B/C/D) Kenny and Rose RESCUE Casey from the creepy guy.
ALL) David BEGS Rose, Casey, and Kenny to come back with him. Then David GIVES them money and they AGREE.
ALL) David TELLS everyone how he loves them all, which TOUCHES Rose, Kenny, and Casey. They ESCAPE when Kenny PUNCHES a bad guy. Other couple’s daughter, impressed, KISSES Kenny.
ALL) David, Rose, Kenny, and Casey now LIVE as a real family.
_________
The more you read it, the more familiar you become with—and the more easily you can change—Kenny’s story.
Yes, I know there is plenty of screenwriting software you can buy that will—at the touch of a key—create this sort of character-focused scene list for you. I’m also sure that if you use one of those programs to do that work for you, you won’t learn diddly.
Why?
Because you’ll glance at the page, see Kenny’s name pop up in every scene, and then go right back to sleep (as you probably just did). In other words, you won’t really take stock of Kenny’s progress in the story unless you do the annoying, time-consuming work of creating the list yourself. And by the way, the same can be said for all the diagrams in this book. You’ll get little bang for your buck by using my diagrams. They won’t resound for you, since you didn’t write them. I include them only as examples. Only the process of writing diagrams and making character-focused lists of scenes imparts actionable knowledge. Experience you will draw upon when you write.
So suck it up and do this stuff yourself. Don’t just put my book on your shelf and congratulate yourself that you know all there is to know. You don’t. That’s not what I sold you when you bought Bring the Funny.
This book is a companion—a resource you turn to, when in need, to remind yourself of certain techniques and strategies that will help you in the long run. Use the tools in this book faithfully and know they are only as effective as the level of your devotion.
OK, sorry! Enough stern talk from Greg. Forgive me. I just want you to make it, OK? My tough talk comes come from a place of love. Writerly love.
Remember: you need to be just like a Navy SEAL, except funnier.
But before you strap on your helmet, load your trusty weapon, and rappel into battle, we need to discuss something rather important …
Gapping
Shakespeare gapped. Tarantino gaps. Woody Allen does it too. Chances are, if you’ve been writing screenplays, you do it all the time.
What’s gapping? It’s everything you don’t show in a screenplay. Remember the Overall Story?
Let’s say you show a couple meet in a one-page scene, which occupies about one minute of screen time. Then you cut to the same couple getting married a year later in a scene that runs another minute. The Overall Story lasts one year, while the screen story lasts two minutes. The “gap”—what we never see—is everything in between.
Obviously, if the first scene ends with the couple arguing and the second scene begins with them happily marrying, you are implying that they made up over the gap. If they are blissful at the end of the first scene and arguing at the altar in the second scene, you are implying that, in the gap, they fought a lot. What you show onscreen indicates what happens in the scenes you don’t show.
Whatever you do, don’t screenwrite past the best moments. The audience will feel robbed if it doesn’t get to see lovers kiss at the altar or the hero make the winning shot at the buzzer. In other words—don’t cheat the viewer.
But also—don’t waste a moment of precious screen time on scenes that don’t tell us enough about what’s been happening off-screen. Remember how I told you about Late Point of Attack? That’s the key to good gapping.
Good comedy screenwriters know as much as possible about the off-screen story before writing what we will see onscreen. But that doesn’t mean they write everything they know. When writers make that mistake—that is, when writers tell readers more than they need to know—I call that writing the notes for the scene in the scene.
Here’s an example of writing the notes for the scene in the scene from a screenplay that does not exist (and hopefully never will):
INT. JIMMY’S HOUSE — DAY
Jimmy walks in. He’s had a hard day on the road.
His truck broke down halfway across the Mohave Desert, he was almost stabbed to death by a meth addict in a bar in Abilene, and his pet monkey, which ran off months ago, is never far from his mind.
Jimmy sees Loretta, and instantly his thoughts race back to that summer they spent on Cobb Island, the love they made in her dad’s houseboat, and the meticulous way she folds up paper bags before recycling them.
JIMMY
Hi, Loretta.
They kiss.
CUT TO:
Or you could just write:
INT. JIMMY’S HOUSE — DAY
Jimmy and Loretta. They kiss.
CUT TO:
_________
Everything else is irrelevant.
In the first version of the scene we see something that should never appear on the page—the writer’s notes. It may be important to the writer that he or she knows where Jimmy has been or why Jimmy feels a certain way, but that doesn’t mean it’s important to the reader. After all, if it was important for us to know, the writer would have shown it to us onscreen. And the writer didn’t.
If the reader needs to know about events that have already happened, you, the screenwriter, have two ways to tell us. You can (1) show those events or (2) have a character tell us about them. When a character walks in and gives an explanation of where she has been, that’s called a messenger speech, and it’s rarely used in film.
But whatever you do, don’t leave your notes on the page.
Really Important Comedy Screenwriting Rule #99
You knew there had to be something like this, right? A rule to trump all the other rules. Well here it is …
Despite everything I’ve told you up to this point about what to write, and what not to write, there is one huge mega-exception to every rule of comedy screenwriting:
If it’s really, really funny, leave it in.
To be clear, there are two reallys in the paragraph above. Two. That’s because just being funny—or even really funny—doesn’t justify leaving an unnecessary scene in your story.