He scrubbed his hand over his jaw. “I’m sorry. I’m still out of practice when it comes to talking.” The darkness in his eyes faded to violet. “I wanted you here at the Institute, but I couldn’t get to you during the past few weeks.”
“Why exactly did you disappear into the void?”
“The Shadow Fae were mutinying, with Aengus leading the rebellion. They wanted you dead immediately, and I was worried they’d defy my orders. They agreed to wait to act until we heard from Nyxobas. In order to retain control over the Institute, the Shadow Fae needed to hear from him directly. So I went into the void to contact him. But sometimes time passes strangely there. It felt like just a moment, but I was in the void for weeks.” He nodded at the steaming bath. “Can you get in? We need to finish healing you.”
I unhooked my bra, letting it fall off me, goosebumps rising over my skin. Then, I grabbed Ruadan’s arm. He helped me to stand, and I leaned against his powerful body.
“What happens next?” I asked.
“Nyxobas will arrive when he chooses. He will open the void for you, and you will enter. When you return from the shadow hell, with Nyxobas’s approval, you and I are going to find your father. He will help us remove the Plague from the Institute. Then, we find Baleros, and we imprison him forever. You and I, together.”
“And you’re not going to kill my father?”
“It’s no longer my top priority.”
“So that’s a no, or…?” I winced as I bent over to pull off my knickers, my bones screaming.
“That’s a no. We need him.”
“Good. So can you make any predictions for when I go through this void?”
“I don’t know exactly what will happen.” He held onto my arm to help steady me. “Nyxobas isn’t particularly communicative.”
“Sounds familiar.” Then I stepped into the bath, lowering myself into the warm, bubbling water. Steam curled around me as I slid down. I leaned back in the bath, meeting Ruadan’s gaze.
He reached out, stroking my throat, then traced his fingertips around the jagged wound on my collarbone. It had gone black and rotten around the edges—disgusting, really. Deep, purplish blood leaked from the wound, and I grimaced at the sight of broken bone protruding from my skin. The veins around the wound pulsed with dark blood.
As Ruadan touched the healthy skin around it, his magic slipped over my body like a balm. With his magic intensifying, the purple in my veins began to fade, the pain ebbing. Deep relaxation spread through my body, and my eyes started to drift closed again. I had absolutely no desire to go into the void. I wanted to stay here forever.
Another memory rose in my mind—this one more recent. I was in the forest, handing Ruadan the crown he’d made for me. A brief look of hurt flashed in his eyes.
A sigh escaped me. “I’m sorry I gave the crown back.”
“I’ll make you another.” His hand moved lower over my ribs, and my skin pulsed with the euphoria of his magic. Already, my body was stirring with arousal at his touch. I breathed in the scent of the herbs in the bath, the air heavy with their perfume.
When I opened my eyes again to look down at my collarbone, I was stunned to find that it had almost completely healed. The skin had closed over, and it looked like a pale, indented scar.
Ruadan’s violet eyes never left my face, his expression so intent it looked like he wanted to devour me. Sometimes when I looked at him, the sheer power of him hit me like a gale-force wind.
“Why exactly were you so angry with me when I first came into the Institute?” I asked. “Was it because I’d invaded or because I’d hidden what I really was from you?”
Apart from the hand brushing over my body, most of Ruadan had gone completely still—a strange silence found only among the ancient fae. “I wasn’t angry with you.” His soft voice caressed my naked skin, a dark temptation. “I was angry with myself, because my men threw you in the prisons.”
I arched an eyebrow. “You need to stop thinking that you have to protect me.” The arrogance on this one. Darkness roiled between my ribs. I needed no protector. The corner of my mouth twitched anyway. I liked his sentiment, even if it made no sense. “I’m an angel of death. I don’t need protecting.”
“Well, maybe the other Shadow Fae will pay.”
“Pay? How?”
He traced a fingertip lazily in the burbling bath, his magic washing over me, doing its healing work. “Sometimes, in the shadow void, Nyxobas punishes spirits by forcing them to confront the wrongs they’ve committed on earth. Sometimes to relive them. He forces you to confront your past.”
I paled. “And you’re sending me into the shadow void.”
“Right.”
“I have killed hundreds of people in the arena, and I slaughtered my entire village. So … it might not be a good time for me there.”
“It might not happen for you.”
“Good.”
I leaned back in the bath. It was then that I realized that not only was his magic healing my body, it was actually making me feel rested. I’d barely slept in weeks, and yet I no longer felt quite as insane. I was starting to feel … energetic. Gods bless Ruadan and his magic.
As I sucked in a deep breath, the curves of my breasts floated above the steamy water’s surface. Ruadan’s gaze dipped to them, and his shadowy magic lashed the air around him.
I grabbed a bar of soap from the rocky bath’s edge and started to lather myself up, watching his eyes follow my hand’s movements. I made the strokes slow and sensual, moving over the tops of my breasts. His desire licked the air around him. Mesmerized, he wrapped one of his hands over mine, lacing my fingers with his. His hand slid over my skin with mine. Heat raced through my body.
A drop of water slid down my throat, and he followed it with his eyes. Then, one of his hands moved away from mine. His fingers brushed down the front of my chest and my waist, and molten heat rushed through my core. An ache began to build in me at his light touch.
It wasn’t just his beauty or his touch that stoked my heat. It was knowing that he loved me.
His violet eyes were locked on me, and he began tracing slow circles, moving lower—now in the hollow of my hips. Tingling heat radiated out from his touch. His incubus side was coming out, and he was toying with me.
He drank me in with his gaze, and the look he was giving me promised pure, sensual pleasure. My thighs clenched.
“I know it doesn’t make sense to protect you,” he said. “It’s my instinct, as powerful as my will to live. I want to keep you safe and close by my side.”
I wanted to grow claws and sink them into his skin to bind him close to me. I had the same primal instinct to keep him safe—not free from hurt, because he could take a little pain, just like I could. But I wanted to keep him close to me.
My chest flushed, pulse racing. This close to his savage beauty, it was hard to think straight. I only knew I wanted to feel his tongue on my neck, his hands on my breasts, his mouth between my thighs.
As he traced circles over my hip bones, my knees started to fall open, and my breath hitched. Liquid heat flowed through me, and a hot, pulsing ache pounded between my thighs.
I straightened, and my nipples floated just above the warm water. They hardened in the cool air. “You want me close by your side?”
His eyes seared me for a moment, then he leaned closer. “By my side, in my bed,” he whispered, his breath warming the shell of my ear. “Naked and wrapped around me forever.”
His fingers went to the inside of my left thigh. Despite the heat of the bath, I shivered. I wanted to feel his hand all the way down at the apex of my thighs, but he was moving with the infuriating slowness of an incubus, enjoying his control. He traced light circles on my inner thigh with his fingertips. I shuddered with desire.
I opened my legs wider, desperately aching for him. I wanted him inside me now. “Are you going to come in here?” I didn’t like the way it had come out as a desperate plea.
His magic thrummed ov
er my skin, fingers moving just a little higher. With his other hand, he brushed his thumb over my lips. I caught his thumb in my mouth, and I rolled my tongue over it. Now, I burned for him so deeply I could almost moan. In fact, I think I did moan.
A low, animal growl rose from Ruadan’s throat. I moved my hips until I was grinding myself against his hand. I still needed more.
“Come in here with me,” I said in something between a command and a plea.
His fingertips were still teasing me, stoking my lust to an insane ache. A slow smile curved his beautiful lips. “I won’t fit, will I?”
Wild hunger blazed in my body. “We’ll make you fit.”
He dipped his fingers into me, and I writhed against him. More, more. That sharp, pounding desire built inside me, until I could think of nothing else but the word more.
Dark heat enveloped me. I moved against him, desperate for release. At last, I managed, “Get into the bath with me. Now. No more arguing.”
He rose and pulled off his black shirt, exposing his muscled body. He was pure perfection, built like a god. Which made sense, since he was part god.
And I was about to have my fill of him.
Chapter 109
My gaze roamed over every inch of him. My stomach swooped at the network of tattoos on his body, snaking savagely over his powerful warrior’s thighs. As I stared at him hungrily, I almost didn’t realize that my own hand had found its way between my thighs to replace his. My breath raced.
At last, he stepped into the bath and kneeled between my legs. He leaned against me. “I’m going to keep you close to me. You’re a death angel, but you’re my death angel, and I keep you safe from now on.”
“Then you’re my fomoire monster.” I wrapped my arms around his neck.
He kissed me sensually, his tongue sliding against mine. Another growl from Ruadan, and his hand gripped my hair, his body stiffening. The slow sensuality was now transformed into raw animal desire. He pulled me hard against him. He was done teasing me now, burning from hunger like I was, claiming my mouth with his wild kiss. I wrapped my legs around him.
Then, with one savage stroke, he buried himself inside me. I gasped, waves of pleasure lighting me up.
There was nothing now except me and Ruadan, and the heat of our bodies merging deeper with each glorious stroke.
Pleasure washed over me, wild ecstasy where our bodies joined. I could only feel the movement of our slick skin together, my tongue on his neck, teeth in his throat. I ran my fingernails down his back as he thrust deeper. The world around me dimmed, and it was just Ruadan and me.
He whispered into my ear, repeating his promise. “From now on, I keep you safe.”
It was those words that sent me over the edge, and my cries echoed off the stone walls.
With damp hair, I lay on Ruadan’s chest in the tub. The warm water burbled around us, steam curling about our bodies. The air around him had darkened with shadows, his magic whipping at the air. He brushed his hand over my neck.
The torch flickered in its sconce, and a chill fell over the room. Then, the hot, burbling water turned glacial.
“Ruadan! Gods below. Stop it.”
No sooner were the words out of my mouth than I realized that Ruadan’s tattoos had begun sliding all over his body again.
I froze, my heart thumping wildly. So this was the moment Nyxobas chose to return and to inhabit his grandson’s body. While we were lying naked in a tub together, my legs wrapped around him.
He rose from the bath, his eyes shimmering with silver-tinged starlight. I crossed my legs, and I crossed my arms over my chest.
He looked at me impassively, completely uninterested in my nudity. “The time has come for your trial.”
As I stared up at him, I had that strange, dizzying feeling that I was standing on the edge of a precipice, and that I wanted to jump. “Right here?”
He shook his head. “You will complete your trial outside. I’ve opened a portal in the Tower Green.”
“Okay. Sure. So, I’m naked and this is a little awkward.” Still, I couldn’t stay in the freezing bath any longer. “Is there a towel you could hand me?”
A vortex of shadows whirled around him, and his silvery eyes transfixed me. He did not answer.
Of course he didn’t; he was Ruadan’s grandfather.
Unable to take the icy bath any longer, I stood, my teeth chattering. Maybe it was Nyxobas’s complete lack of interest in my nudity, but I quickly stopped feeling self-conscious in front of him.
“Just give me a second to get dressed,” I said, plucking Ruadan’s shirt off the ground.
“Travelers into my portals may not sully the waters with clothing.”
I cast my mind back to the enormous demon named Bael, who’d arrived in the Tower completely naked. He’d said basically the same thing.
“Sure, that makes sense,” I muttered. Weirdo.
Well, it wasn’t like I had my own clean clothes here, and I wasn’t going to put the filthy, piss-stinking jersey on again.
“But if we’re going outside,” I said, “I’m going to at least wrap something around myself. I don’t need Barry leering at me.”
I strode into Ruadan’s bedroom and pulled one of his sheets off the bed. When I turned back to Nyxobas, he’d vanished.
With the sheet wrapped around me, I crossed to the window. The sun had set completely now, and darkness had fallen over London. The moon seemed startlingly bright, a jewel hanging over the courtyard, and the stars cast silvery light over a transformed courtyard. Where wildflowers had been just moments before was now a gaping chasm, about twenty feet across, filled with dark water.
I swallowed hard as I looked out at it. I was supposed to jump into that abyss, and I had no idea what I’d find when I did.
Ruadan said I’d be facing the sins of my past—but I had too many to count.
Wrapped in Ruadan’s bed sheet, I stood at the edge of the portal, where the grass and soil simply gave way to dark waters. I had to journey into one of the hells, but at least I felt rested. Sleep deprivation was its own sort of hell, and one that I’d escaped.
Nyxobas—inhabiting my lover’s completely naked body—stood nearby, horns gleaming over his head, tattoos slithering around him.
The rest of the Shadow Fae had joined us, wrapped warmly in their cloaks. Fever flushed most of their faces, and beads of sweat dotted their brows. I had to get this over with as fast as possible so we could find my father. It was the only way to heal them all. What did they plan to do if I turned out to be the traitor, as they imagined? They thought they could petition for my father’s help after they threw me into the shadow hell? Aengus and the others hadn’t thought this through at all.
If the portal sealed over me, it would at least relieve them from a harrowing trial in the shadow hell. Sick as they were, I couldn’t imagine they wanted to jump into freezing waters to face possible torture. But didn’t they realize they needed my help to rid themselves of the death magic? Right now, they could hardly see beyond their own misery.
I stared into the portal, dreading my own imminent trial. In my heart, fear twined with an insane desire to leap in.
Aengus cleared his throat, then gestured to urge me on. The movement was interrupted by a coughing fit.
I glanced at Nyxobas, who looked like some sort of combination of Ruadan and the god of night—Ruadan with paler skin, darker hair, and phantom horns. He loomed over the edge of the portal, tattoos slithering over his powerful body. He looked beautiful and remote at the same time—strangely alluring despite his otherworldliness. This time, when I looked down at the waters, the urge to jump in was overwhelming.
And this was the essence of shadow magic, wasn’t it? The shadow creatures: vampires, incubi, succubi, fomoires of heartbreak…. These creatures possessed the kind of magic that lured and seduced you to your own death.
I took a step closer to the portal, nearly ready to drop the sheet when I remembered everyone was looking on.
I shot Aengus a sharp look. “Turn around. All of you.”
Aengus nodded at the other Shadow Fae. Melusine gave me an encouraging nod before she turned away.
As the rest of the Shadow Fae turned away from me, I stared into Nyxobas’s silvery eyes. I took one long breath, steadying myself.
Then, I leapt into the portal—but I didn’t hit the water. Instead, I plummeted farther down, dropping into pure darkness. My arms lifted above my head, cold air racing over my bare skin.
Then, I could no longer feel my body at all. It was just me and the darkness. I had no sense of up or down, no sense of horizon. Had I ever existed at all?
Emptiness began to poison my thoughts. If I’d never been alive, then I’d never loved…. It had always been this way—just me and the darkness.
No, no. Had I been alive once?
It didn’t matter. I wasn’t alive now. I didn’t exist now. And now was all that mattered.
Wisps and fragments of thoughts floated in the wind like dandelion seeds.
Love dies when we die….
I never loved.
The pain of this thought hit me so intensely I was sure my mind would shatter, and the portal would close me inside forever.
Chapter 110
It was at that point that a new thought struck me. I could feel pain.
I could feel. If I could feel, it meant I existed.
I exist.
Feeling started to return to my body, to my limbs and my fingertips and the tips of my toes. I touched my own throat, my fingers warm against my skin.
“I exist,” I said out loud, the sound of my own voice a strange and illicit thrill, vibrations rumbling against my hand. A stony floor materialized beneath my feet, and I sighed with relief at the feeling of stability. Something solid underneath me.
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