by LK Farlow
“I don’t blame you. Trust me, if Val was here and I was with her, and you texted me, I’d probably ignore your ass, too. It’s easy for the love of a good woman to blind you a bit. Doesn’t make you a bad friend—it makes you human, Nate.”
“That’s not all. She was pressing me to talk about our pasts, saying she wanted to know me better. I froze up and then ditched her to come to you.”
“Oh, shit. Yeah, you’re in the doghouse now, huh?”
I let out a longsuffering sigh. “Nah, more like the pound. I haven’t talked to her since that night.”
Without warning, Duke pulls the car off onto the shoulder. “I’m gonna be real straight with you. Girls like Val and Jenny, they only come around once in a lifetime. If you love her, or even think you could love her, you need to buck up, talk to her, and make things right. Because, brother, you never know when someone’s gonna be taken away permanently.”
Duke’s words about losing Jenny for good have been ringing in my ears all day. I desperately want to reach out—to text or call her—but I don’t know what to say. So, like a dumbass, I say nothing and continue stewing in my guilt and regret.
I’m on my sixth beer when I finally give in and text her.
Me: I miss you.
Me: I fucked up.
Me: But you already know that.
I watch my phone like a hawk, but she never answers. Not that I even deserve a response.
Somewhere between beer seven or eight, there’s a knock on my door. Who the fuck? I sink further into the couch and raise the bottle to my lips—whoever it is can wait.
Then Jenny’s sweet voice reaches my ears. “Nate, open the door. Please. I know you’re home.”
I do a quick recount of the empty bottles on the coffee table—I haven’t drunk nearly enough to be hearing things. So…that must mean…Jenny’s really here.
She knocks again, and I stumble to the door, flinging it open. “Jenny.” Her name passes my lips like a prayer.
“Can I come in?”
I open the door wider, and she steps in, her sweet scent scrambling my already-cloudy senses as she passes me.
I follow behind her, wondering why on earth she’s here. She claims the chair, leaving me alone on the couch.
“Are you…sober enough to talk?”
Involuntarily, I scoff. “Sure am.”
She looks wary. “’Kay. I got your texts, but my phone died. Nate, what…where do we stand?”
I shake my head, searching for the right words. “I-I dunno.”
She sucks in a deep breath. “I need to tell you something.”
Immediately, I’m tense, assuming the worst. “What?”
“The other night, I…talked to Natalie. She told me about you and—”
I cut her off. “She told you about what?”
“About your college girlfriend,” she whispers, her voice small.
“So, instead of waiting for me to open up, you ran to my sister to get the dirty details? Is that it?” My voice is hard, angry—though I’m not entirely sure why.
“I didn’t mean to go behind your back or break your trust.”
“Oh, so you accidentally asked Natalie, is that it? Did she accidentally tell you that I was such a selfish, careless prick that I drove Sonia to try and take her own life?”
Jenny whimpers. “N-Nate, that…it wasn’t your fault.”
I laugh bitterly, sure Sonia’s parents said she suffered from mental illness, but I know I’m the bastard who drove her to it. “You really fucking believe that? Are you that naive?”
“I may be inexperienced, but I’m not naive. You’re so determined to be the bad guy, so intent on keeping me out—”
“Because I’m fucking trying to protect you!” I roar. “Because I don’t want to ruin you like I did her!”
Tears run down Jenny’s cheeks. “Don’t you get it? You can’t ruin me, Nate. The only thing you’re ruining is us. You’re shutting me out and not even giving us a chance.”
“We never had a chance.”
She springs up from the chair. “That’s a load of shit, and you know it! It’s funny, when Natalie and I talked the other night, she compared you to a wild cat—but you’re more like the cowardly lion.”
“Oh, so not wanting to hurt you makes me a coward?”
Jenny shakes her head at me, like she’s thoroughly disappointed in me—yeah, well, welcome to the club. “You’re already hurting me.” She moves closer to me, dropping to her knees at my feet, bracing her hands on my knees. “I love you, Nate, do you hear me? I. Love. You. And I think you love me, too, but we’ll never be anything if you don’t find a way to get some closure.”
I shake out of her hold, and she stumbles back, catching herself on the coffee table. The hurt in her pretty green eyes is almost too much to bear, but I press on. She’s better off without me. “You don’t love me—you hardly know me.”
My venom-filled words seem to do the trick.
“What? You don’t know how I feel. Please don’t do this. Let me help you, Nate.”
I pin her with a cold glare. “Go home, Jenny.”
She stands, staring me down like a soldier going off to war. “If I walk out that door, I’m done, Nate. I truly do love you, but I love me more.”
As much as it kills me, I nod and say, “Just go.”
Without another word, she turns and leaves, the door slamming in her wake.
“Such a clusterfuck,” I mutter to myself as I grab another beer. Regret over sending her away claws at me from the inside, but she deserves more than I’ll ever be able to give her.
Jenny’s words about closure echo through my mind. Fueled by regret and way too much alcohol, I find myself doing the one thing I swore to myself I never would. I look up Sonia’s Facebook page.
My phone trembles in my grip as I try and type her name in the search bar. It takes me a few tries to get her name right, but nothing comes up. After a few more tries, I remember that I blocked her way back when everything went down, at the request of her parents. I feel kind of shitty unblocking her, but…I have to know—I need to know how she’s doing now.
I chug down the remainder of my umpteenth beer as her profile loads. The room spins and my gut churns as I attempt to prepare myself for what I might find. What’s that fucking saying…prepare for the worst, hope for the best? But what I find shocks me more than anything I ever could’ve imagined—and I’ve imagined plenty over the years.
Sonia—the girl I thought I broke—is not only doing well, she’s fucking thriving. Married, with a kid, and another on the way, from the looks of it.
Jesus. My phone clatters to the floor.
All these years, I’ve spent drowning in my guilt, and she’s fine—healthy and happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking thrilled to know she’s doing well…to know I didn’t ruin her life.
Nah, the only thing I ruined was my future with Jenny.
Jenny. My Jenny. Not your Jenny, my brain shouts. Not anymore.
I click around on Sonia’s profile a little more when I notice her chat icon is green, meaning she’s online. Before I can overthink it, I message her.
Me: Long time no talk. I won’t bother you, but I wanted to…fuck, I don’t know what I wanted. I guess to make sure you’re okay. That your life is good. That you’re…happy.
I don’t expect a reply, so imagine my surprise when those three little bubbles bounce across the screen.
Sonia: Whoa! No kidding it’s been a while. I’m doing really well, Nate. I actually tried looking you up a year or two ago. But I couldn’t find you. I owe you an apology. As you know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in high school. What you don’t know is when I got a taste of freedom in college, I quit taking my meds. I thought I could manage without them…clearly, I was wrong. I hope you don’t blame yourself for anything that happened, though judging by your late-night message, I’m guessing that’s not the case. We were practically kids, Nate. Stupid, reckless kids. I think about you oft
en. I hope you’re living your life to the fullest. I know I am. I’ve been married to Kent for three amazing years, and we’re expecting our second son any day now. Anyway, I’m rambling. I hope you’re well. <3
I read her message three times before replying.
Me: Thank you.
Jenny was right; I needed closure. Only, I’m pretty sure it’s come a little too late. Backing out of Sonia’s profile, I bring up my contacts and call Jenny. It goes directly to voicemail, so I leave a message after the beep.
chapter thirty-one
Jenny
To say I slept like shit after everything last night, would be an understatement. I cried until my body had no tears left to give, only to fall into a fitful sleep riddled with nightmares about what could have been.
When Nate texted me last night saying he missed me, my heart jumped to my throat. I went to his house full of hope but left deflated and broken. I can’t force him to want me—to want us. I guess our relationship was the equivalent of trying to shove a square peg through a round hole.
The sun has barely kissed the sky, and I’m already wide awake—contemplating what I could have done differently. But at the end of the day, I guess some things aren’t meant to be, and I guess Nate was right all those times he said he wasn’t the guy for me. But I don’t regret giving it a try…it’s like Julia Roberts said in Steel Magnolias, “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”
I will myself to stay in bed until my alarm finally sounds at half past seven. Grabbing my phone, I turn off my alarm and begin my morning routine of checking my social media, bank account, and the weather. My heart hammers in my chest when I see a missed call from Nate timestamped 2:01 a.m.—that definitely wasn’t there when I placed my phone on Do Not Disturb last night.
When I see he also left a voicemail, my body fills with a mixture of hope and dread. What could he possibly have to say after last night? Did he call to apologize or to dig the knife deeper?
Only one way to find out…
I take a deep breath and press play. “Jenny. I fucked up. You…you were right. D-don’t give up on me.”
I listen to the stupid message twice, trying to read between the lines for some hidden and undecipherable message, but I come up empty every time. What does he mean don’t give up on him? He’s the one who gave up on us. He’s the one who decided that clinging to past hurts was better than working toward any future we could have had.
He’s the one who gave up. Not me. But even still, hope flutters softly in my gut.
Nate
I wake groggy and hungover and sore as fuck—that’s what passing out on the living room floor gets you when you’re pushing thirty, I guess. But I also feel a little bit lighter than I did the day before. That is, until I remember I no longer have Jenny. I need to find a way to convince her to give me another chance—just one more chance. Not that I deserve one.
But before I can formulate any kind of plan to win my girl back, I desperately need to shower.
As the scalding water pelts down on me, I rack my brain for ways to get back into Jenny’s good graces. Too bad I keep coming up blank. Maybe coffee will help.
Spoiler alert…coffee doesn’t help either. I’m completely drawing a blank still; probably the universe’s way of telling me to leave her alone, that I’ve hurt her enough. But if I’ve learned anything in the past twenty-four hours, it’s better to try than to live with regrets over the unknown.
I also realize that if I’m going to formulate any kind of plan, I need reinforcements. Natalie was willing to help Jenny; here’s to hoping she’s willing to help me as well.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m knocking on my sister’s door, donuts in hand—it’s the least I can do, showing up here unannounced before eight o’clock in the morning.
After a few minutes, I knock again a little harder and the door swings open to reveal my scowling sister, wrapped in her robe, with a cup of coffee in hand.
I brush past her and head straight for the kitchen. “Please, come in,” she mutters sarcastically in my wake.
“Who was at the—oh, hey, man,” Alden says when he sees me. “Coffee?”
I nod and help myself to a mug.
Natalie joins us and gets right to the point. “What brings you by so early?”
“Can’t a guy just want to spend time with his baby sister and his best friend?”
Hands on her hips, she gives me the same glare our mom gave us growing up when she knew we were lying to her.
“Fine. It’s…about Jenny.” Her eyes soften, and a guilty look blankets her features. “I already know you told her about Sonia. I’m not mad—well, I am mad, but not at you.”
“I’m guessing things didn’t go well?”
I laugh dryly. “Understatement of the century. I was a few beers deep when she came by last night, and when she brought up Sonia, I got defensive and spewed a bunch of bullshit her way. She…she told me she loved me, and I pretty much told her she was wrong and to leave.”
With tears in her eyes, my sister wraps me in a hug. “Oh, Nate. You big freaking idiot.”
Tears sting my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. “What do I do? How do I fix this? Can I?”
It’s at that moment Tatum bounds into the room. “Uncle Nate! Did you bring Miss Jenny again?”
I pinch my eyes shut and shake my head. “No, Tater Tot. Not today.”
“Why?” she asks, earnestly, and like the assholes they are, Alden and Natalie leave me to answer her.
“Because…” I trail off, searching for the right words.
“Because she’s mad at you. I wasn’t tryin’ to listen because I know I’m not supposed to easy drop when grownups talk, but I heard you anyway. By accident.”
All three of us have to hide our grins behind our coffee cups.
“Can I give you some advice, Uncle Nate?”
What can it hurt, right? “I’d love some, Tatum.”
She climbs up onto the barstool next to me and takes my big hand in her little one. “Falling in love is like learning to tie your shoes, Uncle Nate. It’s hard and it takes time—like a lot of time. But once you get it, you know how to tie them forever. You don’t just forget.”
I smile at her sweet, albeit confusing analogy. “I’m not sure I’m following.”
She sighs dramatically. “Uncle Nate! What I’m saying is, y’all’s are still tied together. Sure, maybe the double-knot came loose, but the love is still there! You just gotta tighten your laces!”
I still don’t have a freaking clue what she’s trying to tell me, but I smile and give her a big bear hug all the same. “Thank you, Tater Tot. You want a donut?”
“Yes!” Natalie plates one up for her and sends her to the table to eat.
“You wanna know what you really need to do?” Alden asks, finally speaking up.
I nod. If anyone knows about relationships and making shit work, it’s him.
“You need a grand gesture. Go big or go home. You gotta show her you love her.”
“You do love her, right?” Natalie asks.
“With every beat of my heart.”
They both grin. “Then go get her, brother.”
chapter thirty-two
Jenny
It’s been crazy at the café today, and with my emotions still all topsy-turvy from everything, I’m dreading working at the bar tonight. Thankfully, Thursdays aren’t too bad; now I just have to hope none of Nate’s buddies pop in for a drink. I may be strong, but I’m not that strong.
I end up working past my scheduled shift, leaving me with less than an hour between jobs. Even though I’m mentally and emotionally drained, I don’t complain, because the extra hours keeps my mind busy and off of a certain heart breaking cop.
When I finally pull up to my house, I have just enough time to change and freshen up before heading to the bar. As I climb the porch steps, I notice what appears to be a bouquet of flowers by my front door. How strange. Upon cl
oser inspection, I see they’re not just any flowers—they’re pink peonies and white roses with baby’s breath, the same flowers that were in my bouquet for Natalie and Alden’s wedding.
Inside, I open the attached card.
Jenny,
I’ll never forget the first time I really and truly saw you. We were at Natalie and Alden’s for a cookout, and I remember thinking damn, this girl is gorgeous. And you were so cute and tongue-tied around me.
And then when shit hit the fan over there that day, the way you swooped in and helped with Tatum blew me away. I wanted you, even then. Hell, I planned on making a move, but something you said that day stopped me in my tracks.
I remember it as clear as day. My sister asked how Alden looked at her, and you said, “With fire and forever in his eyes.” Well, guess what, GG? That’s how I look at you, too.
You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m going to fight for you…for a second chance.
Always yours (even when I was too damn dumb to admit it),
Nate
Big, fat tears roll down my cheeks as I read and re-read his letter. It’s basically everything I could’ve asked for from him…but isn’t it too late? Hasn’t our ship sailed? Suddenly, I’m more confused than ever.
Unfortunately, I don’t have time to process this confusing development—not if I want to make it to Bennet’s on time.
Between the happy hour crowd and the thirsty Thursday-ers, the bar is packed. So packed that I don’t notice a certain tatted-up cop slip onto a stool until it’s too late.
“What can I get—oh, Duke…hey. Wh-what can I get you?”
He gives me a soft smile that’s a complete juxtaposition to his hard features. “Nah, nothing. I’m just here to give you this.” He slides a sloppily wrapped gift across the bar toward me. “Give him another chance, Jenny,” he murmurs before leaving just as quietly as he entered.
“Jenny!” Mack yells, startling me. “Take your break!”
I cock my head to the side. “My break? Mack, we’re slammed, and I haven’t even been here—”