Tong Lashing

by Peter David

  “No!” Then I paused and amended, “Well… royal families do have whipping boys. When young princes misbehave, the whipping boys are flogged since the persons of royalty are sacrosanct. But… that’s different… and they don’t kill the poor bastard…”

  The girl on my back placed her toes on the back of my neck, and started to manipulate something within between her toes. I felt a jolt of energy that seemed to originate at the bottom of my brain and ran through all the way to my feet.

  “And if two kings are not able to get along? If they have disputes over borders or some such, and declare war upon each other?” asked Mitsu. “Are not soldiers summoned to serve as proxies, to fight and die in the name of a dispute that the rulers simply couldn’t be bothered to settle in a less terminal way?”

  “You’re distorting it, Princess…”

  “Am I? Seems to me I’m putting things perfectly accurately, and you simply don’t wish to acknowledge that.”

  “It is pointless to continue this discussion, Mitsu. I do not wish to offend you, but fear if we keep on talking about it, then sooner or later I will.”

  “As you wish,” she said diplomatically.

  Truthfully, I really didn’t want to risk angering her. But even more important, I didn’t want any more distractions from the astounding things the incredibly light woman was doing to my back. I allowed myself to succumb to the pure pleasure of it. The next thing I knew, the bathing maiden was shaking me gently.

  I had fallen asleep, and was feeling tremendously rested. I looked around. The princess was gone. The other maidens were gone. Only this one remained. I had half turned over and the towel had fallen away. She was regarding me with interest, and then she said very politely, “Sex now?”

  “What’s your name?”

  “Timtup.”

  “You know what, Timtup? Life’s too short not to be polite,” I said, and accommodated her.

  When I returned to my quarters some time later, I almost jumped twenty feet in the air when a soft voice said from overhead, “I wouldn’t leave my weapons alone next time.”

  I spun in a circle, nearly falling over, and then looked up. Hanging in the rafters overhead, dangling by his tail, was Mordant.

  “Where the hell have you been?!” I demanded. Even as I spoke, I glanced in the direction of where I had laid down my weapons. They were exactly as I had left them. “And what have you gotten me into?”

  “Gotten you into?” retorted Mordant, dropping onto my bed. His tail whipped back and forth lazily as he curled up upon the pillow. “May I remind you that you’re the one who wanted to come to Taikyo.”

  “And you’re the one who knew we were traveling with a damned princess.”

  “What, you don’t like her?” He sounded faintly sarcastic.

  “Oh, I like her just fine for someone who stands there and lets her servants be butchered and then walks around ass-naked, prepared to climb into a bath with any stranger she happens to encounter. She’s just wonderful.”

  He cocked his head and said, “You don’t understand this culture, Apropos. Until you do, don’t presume to pass judgment on it.”

  “I’ll pass judgment on anything I damned please, Mordant, thank you very much. You could have told me she was a princess, you know.”

  “And if I had?”

  I sat down on the far edge of the bed, studying him carefully. “I don’t want to get into ‘if you had.’ What I want to know is why you didn’t.”

  “She was traveling incognito. I decided to respect her privacy.” He dropped his head onto his forepaws, which were crisscrossed one atop the other.

  “I see. And is there anything else you’re neglecting to tell me? Any other major piece of information I’d benefit from having?”

  He yawned widely, his long tongue flicking in and out repeatedly as he did so. “None that springs readily to mind. Other than that the Skang Kei family have obviously targeted you for some reason.”

  “Obviously,” I said, “but why?”

  “I don’t know. Can you think of anything you might have done to offend them? Or the Forked Tong?”

  “Possibly,” I admitted, thinking of the events that had occurred back in Hosbiyu. “But they’d have to know the village I’d come from, and things that had occurred there that they couldn’t possibly know.”

  “Never underestimate what the Forked Tong might and might not know,” warned Mordant. “They have eyes and ears everywhere. You never know who might be feeding them information.”

  The thought chilled me. Everyone in the village was well aware of all that had transpired. They knew that Ali had slain the representatives of the Skang Kei. They knew of my altercation with the Anaïs Ninjas. If one of them had some sort of secret ties to the Forked Tong, then word would have been out about me. And how difficult would it have been to make certain I was found? I could just see the message: “Look for the man with red hair who bears a resemblance to absolutely no one else in the entire country.”

  “Wonderful,” I muttered. I looked at him warily. “How do I know I can trust you?”

  “Because there’s no such thing as a talking dragon,” Mordant reminded me. “Any fool would tell you that. So who would possibly want to ally themselves with something that cannot possibly exist?”

  The argument had a pleasantly perverse, twisted logic to it. I liked it.

  “So you will be watching my back while I’m in residence here, is that it?”

  Mordant yawned once more. “If you’d like,” he said casually. “But don’t let that allow you to get lazy.”

  “You needn’t worry about that,” I assured him. “Trying to keep an eye out for people who might be trying to kill me is something of a full-time occupation for me. In fact, I met a brand-new one just today. His name is—”

  “Go Nogo?”

  “Right. You know him?”

  “Only that he is one of the deadliest warriors in the city, and one of the most highly decorated and respected captains of the Hamunri there is. If he wants you dead, then you are pretty much dead.”

  “Wonderful,” I said. “Comforting to know that, no matter how far I go in my life, I always seem to wind up exactly in the same place as before. Why is that, Mordant? Why do people take an instant dislike to me?”

  “It saves time.”

  I frowned at him. “That is a very old joke, Mordant.”

  “The reason jokes become old is because they’re true.”

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of a response to that.

  Chapter 4

  Pillow Talk

  Walking was never my strong suit even under the best of conditions. Considering how relaxed I was by the next morning, however, I was damned lucky to be able to move at all.

  I was escorted from my rather sumptuous quarters to the council chamber of the Imperior. There I found the Imperior with half a dozen other men, one of whom was the glowering Go Nogo. They were seated in a semicircle, the Imperior in the middle. They were not on chairs, but rather reclining against oversized pillows.

  Feeling it appropriate, I bowed to him and he nodded in acknowledgment. “Did you sleep well, Po?” he inquired solicitously.

  “Yes, thank you, Your Eminence.”

  “And the bath? Was it likewise restful?”

  I looked straight at Go Nogo, who said nothing. “It was… more exciting than I could possibly have anticipated, Your Marvelousness.”

  “Good,” he said. “Sit down. You know everyone here?”

  “No,” I told him, easing myself down onto an oversized pillow, decorated with strange pictures of long-limbed birds standing upon one leg.

  “Good,” he said again. “Then we can begin.”

  Which was the closest I came to getting an introduction to the members of his inner cabinet. Aside from Go Nogo, the only other name I caught was that of his chief advisor, Itso Esi, a squat fellow with a scowl that went even deeper than that of Go Nogo. The others made no effort to introduce themselves. I couldn�
�t blame them. For all I knew, doing so would instantly require sacrificing one’s life in order to placate the Imperior.

  Such a situation was not conducive to my desiring to stay where I was. Obviously the other members of this court served the Imperior for reasons that were deeply ingrained into their society, into their very being. I was not so inculcated, and was perfectly willing to depart from this curious and off-putting place whenever it seemed necessary. Indeed, I couldn’t help but feel that I was risking my life with every passing moment that I remained.

  Still, I hadn’t forgotten those things which had brought me there in the first place. Considering that the Skang Kei family, and this mysterious Ho they served, had targeted me specifically, my simply departing Taikyo without protection from the Imperior might be problematic.

  I felt naked without my weapons, but I’d been informed early on that none were to be armed in the presence of the Imperior during closed council, presumably so he didn’t have to worry about assassination attempts. It seemed a reasonable enough concern. Still, I was glad that Mordant was in my room, keeping an eye on them. I never knew when I might need them, and he’d be there protecting them in case someone tried to relieve me of them. I was particularly concerned about Go Nogo, who might take it upon himself as head of security to make sure that I was as helpless as possible.

  “The Forked Tong,” said the Imperior, “must be done away with. It is bad enough that their criminal activities throughout Chinpan have created an embarrassment and inconvenience for me. But now they have targeted my daughter. The princess Mitsu would be in their hands right now if it had not been for our visitor,” and he indicated me. He turned and glowered at Go Nogo. “How could you have allowed that to occur, Captain?”

  “Personally, I’m shocked you haven’t offered to kill yourself just from the sheer disgrace of it,” I said helpfully.

  If he could have spit knives at me at that moment, he very likely would have. He spoke to the Imperior while watching me the entire time. “I had men searching for the princess everywhere, Divine One,” he said slowly. “There are always challenges involved when it comes to protecting one who desires protection. When the situation involves one who has no desire to be protected, it becomes even more difficult.”

  The Imperior considered that a moment, and then said to me, “Would your king accept such an excuse, most honorable Po?”

  Part of me wanted to say no, absolutely not. But there was no second-guessing what the Imperior might do with any given reply. Opting for neutrality, I simply said, “It is not for a humble messenger to speculate on the inner workings of my liege lord’s mind. It is possible he might accept it. It is equally possible he might not. He is a man of many moods and many mysteries… as are you yourself.”

  “Yes,” said the Imperior. “I would like to meet this ruler of yours at some point, Po. If and when you depart our land, it will be with the instruction to bring him here so we may talk.”

  Those were daunting words from the Imperior. I could not, of course, produce King Runcible, or any other king for that matter. But the most chilling aspect of his statement was the “if and when” part… specifically, the “if.” I didn’t take to the notion of my future being that much up in the air.

  Fortunately the Imperior seemed incapable of holding a thought in his mind for more than a minute or so. Before I could formulate a reply, he was already back talking about the Forked Tong.

  “You have offered reward after reward,” observed Itso Esi, “and still information about them remains scarce. It might be time to take a new direction in dealing with them.”

  “Such as?”

  “An all-out assault,” said Itso Esi. “Seek them out throughout the countryside. Root them out, wherever they may be hiding. Make that the number-one priority of the Hamunri.”

  “With all respect, Divine One,” Go Nogo said carefully, “the forces of the Hamunri are not endless. Ours is an elite group. Your first, best line of defense. We have enemies within and without. Devoting too much of the Hamunri to any one opponent can be… difficult.”

  Deciding to take the chance of holding Nogo’s feet to the fire, I said, “I am a mere stranger to these shores. But it seems to me that your job would be to accomplish what His Splendidness asked you to do, rather than listing the reasons why you cannot do so.”

  “I did not say I could not do so,” came the icy reply. “I merely was endeavoring to explain…”

  “I did not ask for explanations, Captain,” said the Imperior, and although there was no anger in his voice, there was clearly a lack of patience. “Simply results.”

  It was all I could do not to pump the air in triumph with my fist. Looking back, it was a fairly insane thing for me to do, to bait Nogo in that way. But I was already convinced that Go Nogo had it in for me. So I really felt as if I had very little to lose, and everything to gain. If they all felt compelled to disembowel themselves every time their ruler became impatient with them, I might be looking at Nogo’s spilled innards before noon.

  “Yes, Imperior” was all Nogo said, this time looking directly at the floor in deference. “If that is what you wish, the full attention of the Hamunri will be turned to it.”

  “See that it is,” the Imperior replied.

  “I would be most interested, however,” Go Nogo continued unexpectedly, “to know precisely why members of the Skang Kei family were attacking our esteemed visitor in the streets of the fish market.”

  “Yes, that is puzzling,” said Itso Esi, and the others were nodding as well. It didn’t seem to me that Esi had any personal agenda in the way that Nogo obviously did. He just appeared curious.

  “They said they were working for someone called Ho,” I said after a moment. “Does the name mean anything to any of you?”

  “A legend,” Itso Esi said immediately. “The reputed leader of the Skang Kei family. If the Ho even exists, virtually nothing is known about him. Or her. It’s uncertain even if the Ho is a man or a woman.”

  “If this Ho does exist, naturally it’s a man,” Go Nogo said with obvious impatience. “The idea of a woman running an organization dedicated to death and destruction? Why, it is absurd. Ridiculous.”

  “Don’t be so certain,” I said. “Some of the deadliest creatures I’ve ever known have been female.”

  But the Imperior was shaking his head. “Go Nogo is correct. No mere woman could ever achieve such an exalted rank.”

  “As you say, O Illustrious One,” I said promptly, not wanting to take any chances.

  “Discussing a fictional leader is of no relevance, Po,” Go Nogo said intently and fixed his gaze upon me. “What matters is, why were you singled out?”

  “What are you implying?”

  “Nothing, honorable Po,” was his gruff response. “I am merely asking.”

  “Well, I thought we had been over that,” I said quietly. “They were attacking the princess, and I simply happened to be there to defend her.”

  “I see,” said Nogo. “And you had no business dealings with them?”

  “I am not in the habit of engaging in dealings with criminals. Why, honorable Nogo? Are you? I’m not implying anything, you understand. Just asking.”

  “What are you saying?” asked the Imperior.

  “He challenges my honor, Divine One,” said Go Nogo.

  Sensing a trap, I shook my head. “I did not mean to imply wrong doing on the part of your head of security, O Gargantuan One. I hope you did not think I meant to do so.”

  “I think nothing of the sort,” the Imperior said. “I just couldn’t hear you. I’m an old man and my hearing isn’t what it was. So I was asking what you were saying.”

  Nogo and I exchanged looks and, for a heartbeat, there was a moment of shared amusement between us. Then we immediately remembered that we were supposed to be in opposition to one another.

  “I was merely pointing out,” I said, “that one should make sure one’s own house is in order before embarking on major forays ag
ainst enemies.”

  “Yes! Exactly!” said the Imperior with far more enthusiasm than I would have thought such a casual remark warranted. “Who told you about my house?”

  That stopped me cold. I looked in bewilderment at the others.

  “The Imperior is speaking of the new house he desires to build,” Itso Esi explained.

  “A new house? May I ask what is wrong with this one?”

  “Nothing,” said the Imperior. “It is divine perfection, as are all things associated with me. But I require a house at the outer provinces. In fact,” and his eyes widened in eagerness, “I am calling upon you, Po, to design it!”

  “Wh-what?” I was getting that familiar sinking feeling I typically had when I found myself in a situation that was going to be overwhelming. “Design… what? A house?”

  “Yes,” he said, clearly pleased with the idea. “A new palace, to provide shelter when I visit the outer provinces.”

  This was a situation that called for the greatest of tact. As judiciously as I humanly could, I leaned forward and said, “That is… a great honor, O Resplendent One, but I have no experience as an architect or designer of buildings. As anxious as I am to serve you, I must wonder why you would—”

  “Because you know of designs of other lands,” the Imperior said with growing excitement. “You would be able to bring a fresh eye and different perspective.”

  “Again, Imperior, I am… honored, but certainly I think there would be others who could do a far superior job…”

  “There had been,” said Itso Esi with just the slightest hint of annoyance on his face. “However, their designs had not been up to the Imperior’s high standards.”

  Which told me all I needed to know: The previous holders of this illustrious position had all been asked to remove themselves from this plane of existence due to dishonor.

  “I… see,” I said, not liking the direction this was going.

  “Of course,” continued the Imperior, “I would not ask you to undertake such an endeavor without appropriate compensation.”

  “Oh?”