by Karina Halle
I want him so fucking bad.
I need him.
I’ve needed him all this time.
He whimpers, this primal, desperate sound as his mouth finds mine again and his tongue slips in, sliding against mine until I’m driven wild. Wild for him, always so wild.
“Rachel,” he whispers, breathless, hungry. He licks up a path to my ear, takes my earlobe between his teeth and pulls, hot breath enveloping me.
And I’m melting.
Melting.
Right here in this parking lot.
The same parking lot that he broke my heart in.
And just like a needle scratching across a record, everything comes to a wretched stop.
The anger I thought was shoved aside has shot right back up and I pull back, pressing my fingers into the hard mass of his chest, pushing him back. “No,” I manage to say.
His eyes are glazed with lust in the lights above the parking lot but they quickly snap out of it while he reads my face. “What?” he says, voice thick.
“No,” I say again and manage to squeeze out between us, stepping away. “No, just no. No, Shane you don’t get to do that.”
He studies me, trying to regain his breath. Adjusts his erection in his jeans.
I ignore the hot stab of want that rolls through me at the sight.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing!” I yell, pulling at my hair. “Fucking hell, Shane.”
He almost says it again, I can tell. So Canadian of him.
Then he says, “It’s because of your boyfriend.”
“No. Yes. It’s everything…Shane…for crying out loud, don’t you see where we are? Don’t you know, remember, realize the last thing that happened here?”
He closes his eyes, leans back against the truck, kneads his forehead with his knuckles. Doesn’t say anything.
“Shane. You broke me. You changed me. You did that, here, and it’s something I’ll never be able to get over because I’ll never understand why you did it. Why you told me, in front of all our friends, your brothers, everyone, that you didn’t love me anymore, that you never loved me and you wished I was gone for good. That’s what you said Shane. And I still can’t…I can’t believe it because that’s not who you are. And yet I can believe it because…who has ever fucking loved me, and meant it?”
He looks up, his eyes sharper than a mountain peak. “That’s not it, Rachel. Don’t say that. Don’t you fucking say that.”
Tears rush to my eyes and I throw my hands out in frustration. “Then why? Why did you do it?”
“Because I had no choice,” he says, voice like steel.
“What?”
“I had no choice, Rachel. No, wait, that’s not true. I had two choices. And I picked the one that I thought was best for the both of us.”
I blink at him, tears rolling down my face, my heart lurching around in my chest, trying to find a place to land. “What are you talking about?”
He takes in a deep breath and looks away, a quiet kind of madness flashing in his eyes. “Do you remember the night before? Your father…attacked you. You called me. I took you home. You told me everything. You fell asleep…” His eyes swing to mine. He swallows. “Do you remember how when you woke up, I wasn’t there. I was down at the barn. I had bandages wrapped around my knuckles because I had one of the horses spook on me when I had the reins wrapped around my hands.”
I remember. I remember everything because that morning was the last morning we had together. You always remember your last day with someone you love, like it’s your last day on earth. Every look, every smell, every touch. I remember that day he acted like he was wrestling one of his demons. I assumed it had something to do with what I told him the night before, that he didn’t know how to deal with it. I couldn’t blame him.
“Do you then remember that your father was severely beaten by a couple of junkies who tried to rob a house?”
I just stare at him and in my heart I feel the puzzle pieces come together before my brain can even catch up.
“There were no junkies. That was me. You told me what he did to you and all I wanted to do was kill him. And so I almost did. I fucked up, Rachel. And in the end…I didn’t have a choice.”
I can only shake my head, my hand at my chest, my heart throwing itself at my ribs. “You broke up with me…” I say faintly.
“I broke up with you because your father told me to. It was either that. Or it was jail.”
“He…he told you to break up with me? Why?”
He gives me a sour smile. “Because he knew that would kill me more than throwing me in jail would. He knew how much I loved you. He knew how to get to me. What would really make me suffer. And so I had to do it. I had to be as cruel and ruthless to you as possible. I wanted you to rip off your necklace and throw it at me, and you did. I wanted that kind of hate from you, because only then would you not question me. And only then would you finally leave this place. Only then would you be safe.” He licks his lips. “It worked. You left. And he couldn’t hurt you anymore.”
I can’t believe this. The parking lot is starting to spin around me, the lights swirling like galaxies.
How can this be? How can everything that happened be based on a lie? And while my heart is trying to sing for what Shane did, how it wasn’t about the loss of love but the protection of life, it’s beating to a different beat. Trying to catch up, trying to understand.
The last six years have been rewritten.
Everything I’ve based my new life on has been ripped out from underneath me.
I’m both elated and confused, angry…lost.
“I shouldn’t apologize again because I know you don’t like it,” Shane says. “But I’ve been dealing with this truth every single day since you left. It killed me to know that I had to hurt you like that and the only trade off was that you were somewhere safe and free. But, fuck, Rachel. I’m so sorry it came to that. I was young, I wasn’t thinking. I could only think of hurting him for hurting you and because of that, I fucked both our lives up. And I know it’s going to take some time to come to terms with it.”
I nod, glancing at him briefly. I can’t be here anymore. I can’t deal with him.
“I’m going to go,” I tell him absently, trying to find words. “See if Fox is back and can drive me home.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I… I need time to think.” I suck in a breath, my chest tight. “Jesus, Shane. This changes everything.”
“For good or bad?”
I look at him and frown, sick to my stomach. “I have no idea.”
And then I walk off, unsteady at first, then quicker, until I’m back inside the bar.
Everything already looks different.
14
Shane
I have dreams of blood and guns. Of toothless grins and devil eyes. Of prison bars over beating hearts. Of Rachel’s lips. Those beautiful lips, the taste of whisky on them, maraschino cherries. Hope. So much hope.
Did that really happen?
The world seems different under the veil of truth.
A thud shakes the whole room, sending knives into my brain.
“Holy hell, Shane,” Maverick’s voice booms. “Did you tie one on last night or what?”
I groan and open one eye. The room spins. I’m no longer dreaming even though fragments of last night settle around me like dust.
“What time is it?” I mumble into the pillow.
“It’s nine a.m., sharpshooter,” he says, kicking the edge of the bed, blunt objects splintering through my head. “I thought you cowboys were up with the fucking roosters.”
“Most cowboys don’t drink their weight in whisky,” I manage to say. My mouth tastes like sour dirt.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Mav says. “Of course they do. The only difference is they know how to handle it and you obviously don’t. I’m starting to think you ain’t a Nelson at all.”
“Why are you here, standing in m
y room, yelling at me?” I slowly ease myself up, ignoring the spins.
“Because dad said you needed my help today. He’s off on a ride, says you need to do the irrigation pipes. I know you need help for that.”
I nod. Irrigating is an all-day job and time-consuming. Usually we hire someone to do this but it’s a tough role to fill and we’ve already gone through three different guys this year so far. The pipes have to be moved every day to ensure the fields (which we use for hay or silage) get water and some of our lines are hand lines, so we have to manually move each forty-foot pipe over sixty feet to ensure the entire field gets water. It’s hard, tedious work.
So I’m surprised that Maverick volunteered for the job. Surprised but not at all complaining, especially when I feel like ass.
“Well I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him, moving slowly as I put on my jeans so as not to disrupt all the loose sharp stuff in my brain. “You do remember how to ride, right?”
He grins at me as I throw on my tee shirt and hat. “Fuck riding, brother. We’re taking my new truck.”
“That’s not technically yours,” I remind him. “And this field is all the way to the east, down by the lake.”
“Then we’ll see just how this baby will handle.”
As it turns out, it handles really well. Maverick loves his vehicles and he’s driving this truck with a big, shit-eating grin on his face, laughing maniacally as we careen over potholes and bumps.
Finally, we reach the field and get started, carefully moving the long, rusted pipe along the tall, green grass in sections. It’s a lot of lifting and shuffling and the sun beats down on us harder with each hour that passes.
We take a break at the truck, leaning against it as we drink sun-warmed water straight out of plastic jugs.
“So are you going to talk about what happened last night?” Maverick asks, dipping over to sprinkle some water on the back of his neck.
“What do you mean?”
“I was there for a minute, you know,” he says, giving me a steady look. “Saw you and Rachel dancing like it was old times.”
“We were just dancing,” I tell him, looking off toward the crop of alder and birch where our land meets the lake. Waylon Jennings plays in my head.
“Uh huh. That’s not what it looked like to me. You know, man, you and Fox are exactly the same.”
That brings a sharp look out of me. “What do you mean?”
Mav looks at me like I’m dumb. “You and Rachel, Fox and Delilah. Two sets of couples that should just shut the fuck up and admit that they love each other already.”
“Fox is in love with Del?”
“Don’t change the subject. I knew you never got over Rachel. I didn’t see how you could, to be honest. And I never believed for a second that you willingly broke up with her. The Shane I know would never do that to her. Especially in front of everyone like that. You were fucking vicious, man, and that’s not you.”
I stiffen, hating that I’ve had to keep reliving that moment so much lately.
“What happened?” he asks, his voice lower. “Look, I get it. Water under the bridge, maybe. But it’s something no one has ever understood, especially Rachel.”
“She understands now,” I tell him, looking him square in the eye. “Last night I told her.”
“Told her what?”
It’s not my place to say but since the truth has been coming out…
“Errol Waters use to abuse her. Sexually. Emotionally. Physically. He was abusive to Vernalee too.”
Mav’s jaw sets in a hard line. He’s almost as protective over Rachel as I am. “Why am I not fucking surprised,” he seethes quietly.
“Because he’s a fucking piece of shit, disgusting scum on this good green earth. And Rachel dealt with it for years before she finally told me. That night…I wasn’t thinking straight. I couldn’t. I just wanted to murder him and that’s all that I could see, all I could do. If I had just stepped back and took a moment and tried to control myself but…she’s Rachel, you know? I couldn’t let it slide. I had to take matters into my own hands. I was blind with rage. Just fucking blind.”
“What did you do, Shane?”
I take a deep breath and I let it all out. I don’t hold back on anything, just lay the truth bare.
“Holy fuck,” Mav whispers when I’m done. “Why didn’t he just throw you in jail?”
“Because he knew he was at fault. He wanted to keep what he did hidden. He knew that if he pressed charges against me, the town would talk. They’d wonder why I did what I did. Why did good ol’ boy Shane Nelson nearly beat this man to death? The truth would leak out that way, which wouldn’t be a bad thing. But it would be for him. If I told the truth, there might be a trial. A trial might bring out a testimony from Rachel, even Vernalee. There’s a witness too, Zimmer. Sure he kept his mouth shut but under oath? In court? Would he still keep quiet about what he heard? Errol knew that he couldn’t risk it. He wanted everything to be shoved under the rug so things would go on as they always did. He wanted to keep his position of power.”
My heart is still galloping in my chest, making me feel lightheaded under this sun. “And most of all, he knew that breaking Rachel’s heart would be far, far worse. He hated me. Hated her. He wanted the both of us to suffer. And he got what he wanted. His crimes never came to light and I broke up with her and I knew that if I wasn’t ruthless and vicious and cruel to her that she wouldn’t believe it. I couldn’t let her know why I was doing it. So I broke up with her in front of everyone. I humiliated her and I broke my own heart and ruined everything because I had no fucking choice.”
My fists ball, then uncurl. “There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t wished I finished the job, you know. That he got away with it all, then went on to kill that kid and who knows who the hell else in the so-called name of the law. In the end, he fucked himself over but he shouldn’t have even had the choice.”
A solid silence hangs over us, both of us digesting this poison from the past.
“Fuck me. That is some heavy, heavy shit, Shane.” Mav runs his hand down over his face, tugging at his features. “What did she say after you told her this last night?”
I exhale loudly, feeling the frustration roll through me. “She didn’t know what to say. How to handle it. She said she needed time to think. And then she went back into the bar. I got a cab, came back here and finished a bottle of Grandpa’s whisky.”
“Just like old times.”
“Pretty much.”
“I can’t believe you’ve kept that inside all this time. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you ever tell her?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t reach Rachel and I guess I thought it didn’t matter. Why bring up the past? What good would it do? And to be honest, even though parts of me wish I killed him, I’m not proud of what I did. I should have gone about it another way, that way I would have never had to break up with Rachel. I just wasn’t thinking. I was young and brash and stupid.”
“With balls of fucking steel.” He slaps me hard on the shoulder. “If I’m ever screwed over by someone, I’m calling you for your own brand of vigilante justice.”
I smirk at him. Maverick is pretty much all muscle. He hangs off the side of cliffs every winter like Stallone in Cliffhanger, risking his life to rescue people. He has no problems dealing with anybody. That said, he often puts himself in situations where extra support may be needed. Confidence is a virtue, being a cocky fucker is another thing entirely.
“Is that Pa?” he suddenly says, squinting in the sun and I look over to see our father cantering over the ridge toward us.
“Shane!” he yells to me, riding over on Basil, his prized paint quarter horse.
“Something wrong?” I ask as I put on my hat, striding toward him. He doesn’t sound overly panicked but there’s still something wrong considering he’s rode all the way over to us. Normally there’s a radio in my truck that we use to communicate since cell phone service over here doesn’t rea
ch but we took Mav’s truck instead.
“I need you to head west over Pastor’s Peak,” he says to me, coming to a stop along the edge of the field. “Neighbor’s plane spotted some of our cows too far onto Crown Land. It’ll be a bitch to get them back later if they don’t get turned around right now.” He gets off of Basil and hands me his reins. “Here, take him back and go. I’ll help Mav with the irrigation.”
I nod and swing up on Basil, adjusting myself on Basil’s broad back. “Do you know how far around the peak?”
“I think closer to Arrow Lake,” he says.
“I should bring an overnight bag then.”
“Shouldn’t take you that long but just in case. It’s only a handful so just take Fletcher with you.”
I tell him I will, thank Mav and then turn around galloping toward the ranch.
I’m there in no time, though Basil is frothy with sweat, and I quickly take the time to rinse him off with the hose before I tack up Polly.
It’s when I’m about to lead Basil over to the pasture that I hear a strange whimpering sound coming from the hayloft.
I leave Basil and head over to the ladder. “Hello?” I call up it.
A sniffle.
“Rachel?”
I haul myself up the rungs and peer out over the edge.
Rachel is sitting amongst the hay, her knees drawn up to her chest, her phone beside her. Her head is turned away from me and I can see she’s trying to wipe away tears.
“What happened?” I ask her, climbing up and coming over, hunching down from the roof. I crouch right in front of her and think about putting my hand on her leg, wondering if she’ll flinch.
I do it anyway, my palm pressed against her warm skin.
She doesn’t flinch.
A small victory.
“Did something happen to your mom?” I ask softly.
She shakes her head. “No. Yes. Not like that…”
I reach out and hold her chin, bringing her face around so I’m staring right into her eyes, red-rimmed and shining with tears. “What happened?”
She sighs and shakes her head, eyes closed, tears spilling down her cheeks until they run onto my fingers. “It doesn’t matter.”