Living My Best Life

by Claire Frost

‘Where have you been?’ Laura said when she saw Bell sidle in just as the rest of the group were pouring their coffee and making their way over to the table and chairs in the centre of the room. ‘I was worried you weren’t going to turn up – it’s not like you to miss out on snaffling a choccy digestive. There are only boring custard creams left now.’

  Bell grinned at her new friend’s all-too accurate knowledge of her love of the best biscuits. ‘I got held up,’ she said. ‘How are you, Lau, had a good week? Where’s Ben?’

  ‘Don’t worry, loverboy is just getting you a coffee and some kind of inferior biscuit,’ Laura smirked. She liked to tease Bell that Ben had a thing for her, and while Ben was both handsome and attentive, holding the door for her and showing her the right setting on her camera, Bell had no idea how he – or in fact she – felt, so she usually laughed off Laura’s nudge-nudge-wink-wink comments.

  ‘Bell!’ Ben’s face broke into a smile as he came over with two mugs and placed one in front of her. ‘You made it!’

  ‘Was there was ever any doubt?’ she smiled back. ‘Thanks for this. How did you two get on with your shadow pictures, I know you said on the WhatsApp group you were struggling, Laura?’

  Last week’s homework had been to take an image that demonstrated their ability to use shadows to create an interesting photo, although Bell wasn’t too sure she – or any of the rest of the group – had much ability to do anything quite so technical when it came to taking pictures. Nevertheless, she continued to enjoy the class every Wednesday and knew she was learning loads, despite not necessarily being able to put it all into practice.

  ‘It was so hard,’ groaned Laura. ‘In the end I took a picture of the stairwell in my block of flats, emailed it over to Sheila and hoped for the best. You said you’d got yours in early, Ben, didn’t you? You’re such a suck-up!’

  ‘Well, I was happy with the image I’d taken so thought I’d submit it there and then as I knew I’d be busy the rest of the week.’

  ‘Why were you so busy? Ooh, did you have a date?’ Laura probed.

  Seeing him start to look uncomfortable, Bell stepped in. ‘Laura, leave Ben alone for god’s sake! I tried to take my shot of some peonies I bought from M&S the other day, but it was just a bit meh. Oh well, I’m sure Sheila will tell us what she thinks in a minute.’

  They were starting to get used to Sheila’s critiques. For a woman who was generally so jolly, when it came to their pictures she was proving brutal. However, for all the criticisms she gave, she always found something positive to comment on, and it did feel that as the weeks went on every member of the class was getting a bit better, even Rita.

  ‘Okay, class,’ Sheila called, clapping her hands together. ‘Welcome, everybody. Let’s start this evening’s proceedings by reviewing our homework images. We’ll begin with this one, which is yours, Laura. What does everyone think?’ A few people mumbled a comment, but no one wanted to be the first to speak up. ‘Well, I think the pattern of the carved staircase is a brilliant subject for a photo, although I’m not sure the lighting is quite right to create the most effective shadow. I think you needed a ray of sunlight shining into the hallway rather than just the artificial light of a bulb, maybe, but it’s a good try.’

  Bell nudged her friend and smiled, and she noticed Laura let out a breath – it was clear she’d been more invested in the shot than her laid-back demeanour had shown. Sheila continued to go through the group’s images, highlighting what they all needed to work on, although thankfully Bell got off fairly lightly: ‘I love the pop of colour the pink flowers bring, but because the background is so busy you lose some of the effects of the shadows. Less is more next time.’

  Then she brought up an image that made everyone sit up a bit straighter.

  ‘This is Ben’s photo, and I think you’ll agree it’s brilliant.’

  The whole class started talking at once, exclaiming over Ben’s use of an early evening sunset in the park to make a tableau of children and dog shadows. It had created a joyful, fun image using just the subjects’ shapes against the fading sunlight. Only Ben was silent, but despite his cheeks reddening, Bell could see he was pleased by the reaction to his picture.

  After lecturing them about not only the way Ben’s photo looked, but also the technical know-how behind it, which made the rest of the group slightly less pleased with their own efforts in comparison to his, Sheila finally moved on to that week’s lesson about focal length. An hour later, however, most of the class were little the wiser.

  ‘I had absolutely no idea what Sheila was saying for the last twenty minutes,’ Tony announced loudly as he waited in the corridor for Rita to finish her chat with Lynne and Marcus.

  ‘I took some notes, but who knows if I’ll be able to make sense of them back at home,’ Bell confessed.

  ‘Oh well, we’ll just have to get Ben to explain it to us, won’t we,’ chimed in Laura with a cackle. ‘Though it’s a pity we can’t copy his homework like I did at school back in the day.’

  ‘You’ll be just fine, Laura,’ Ben coaxed. ‘It’s all about the detail this week.’

  ‘We’ll see,’ she sighed. ‘Right, see you next Wednesday, gang, and good luck with your zooms!’

  *

  Bell was on a high when she returned home, until she remembered Colin’s latest email, which had hit her inbox that morning. Cosette had convinced her she should borrow some money and buy him out, but he was now digging his heels in after one of the three estate agent valuations had come in substantially higher than the other two. He, of course, felt she should pay the top-end price, whereas Bell believed an average of the three figures felt most fair. His email that afternoon had advised her that he had engaged a solicitor and suggested she do the same. Meanwhile, she was being hounded by estate agents left, right and centre about whether she wanted to put the house on the market and buy somewhere else. Just thinking about the whole mess made her feel a bit sick and completely out of her depth.

  In the absence of anything in the cupboard that looked immediately dinner-worthy, she rootled around for the emergency Wagon Wheel she knew was hidden behind the muesli for situations where nothing else but a chocolate, marshmallowy, biscuity treat would do.

  Worrying about Colin’s demands was one of those situations.

  She hated that their ten-year relationship had been effectively boiled down to an argument over five thousand pounds. Despite being at odds over the value of the house, Colin had asked to come over and remove the last of his things from his former home, including that faux-leather sofa.

  Absolutely, of course, as soon as you like. In fact, I’m away until Easter Monday so you could come and get it on Good Friday.

  Thank you for your suggestion, Bell. However, that Friday isn’t very convenient for me, so it will have to be the Monday afternoon. I think it will be good to speak face to face. And I’ll take the TV with me, too, as I paid the whole cost of it myself last year. I trust that’s okay?

  At least she could now buy a TV the size she wanted – and that would fit in the lounge without swamping it – Bell reasoned, but now she would actually have to see Colin in real life, as she’d be back from Cosette’s by then.

  *

  Bell arrived in Devon on the Friday of Easter weekend after battling engineering works and replacement bus services on her train journey down. She gratefully took a large gulp of wine from the glass Rich had handed to her as she came through the door, before being joyfully jumped on by her excitable niece and slightly more serious-looking nephew.

  ‘We’ve got two whole weeks off school now! Are you staying the whole holidays with us, Auntie Belly?’ asked Sophie, using the affectionate nickname she had come up with years before and refused to drop despite Cosette’s protestations it was rude (‘It’s funny, Mummy, and Auntie Belly doesn’t mind!).

  ‘Sadly, I have to go home on Sunday afternoon, but that still gives us loads of time to have some fun, doesn’t it? I was thinking you two could take me down to the bea
ch tomorrow, that’s if you’re not too embarrassed to be seen with your auntie now you’re head boy of the school, Oli?’ Bell said with a smile at her nephew.

  ‘Of course not!’ he cried. ‘Though, maybe I’ll call you Auntie Bell if there’s anyone around. I can show you where all the crabs have been – there were loads a couple of weeks ago so I hope they’re all still there. We saw a massive one and Sophie was scared of it.’

  ‘I wasn’t!’ she protested loudly to her brother. ‘But I didn’t like its horrible claws,’ she whispered to Bell and shuddered. ‘And its eyes were looking at me like it wanted to eat me.’

  Once the kids were in bed, Cosette questioned Bell intently about Colin’s latest demands.

  ‘I think you should make a stand and give Colin a best and final offer for his half of the house and see what he says,’ Rich pronounced.

  Bell nodded. ‘You’re probably right. I was just hoping Col would be a bit, well, human about it – he was the one who walked out, after all. But maybe I need to get firm about it.’

  ‘He’s not the man I thought he was, that’s for sure!’ Cosette said heatedly. ‘I always thought of him as a mild-mannered gentleman type, but he’s proving himself to be anything but by being so difficult with all this house business.’

  ‘I guess we never really know anyone properly except ourselves,’ shrugged Bell, the wine making her feel a bit maudlin.

  ‘Well, I’d say I know Rich inside and out! Wouldn’t you say the same, dear husband?’ Cosette asked, pouring the last of the wine into her glass.

  ‘Ye-es,’ Rich replied, glancing at his wife. ‘But I do think Bell has a point. You’re inside your own head all day, every day, but you’re never inside anyone else’s so you can never truly know what they’re thinking. You just have to make assumptions based on what they’ve done and said in the past. And I guess people sometimes change, so you can never really “know” someone inside and out.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Cosette was clearly not convinced. ‘Well, anyway, I’m glad Colin is showing his true colours as at least you know you did the right thing breaking up with him.’

  ‘I didn’t have any choice – he was the one doing the breaking up,’ Bell laughed. ‘But you’re right, it’s much easier to see a person’s flaws when you’re looking at them from a distance. You can just gloss over the bad bits when you see someone day in, day out.’

  ‘Of course, I don’t have any bad bits,’ Rich grinned. ‘As I’m sure you’d agree, Cosette?’

  ‘Yep, you are perfect in every way,’ she said sweetly. ‘Except when you ask me where your clean shirts for work are, despite not putting the washing machine on all week, or when you forget to buy a birthday card for your own mother and then ask me to go out in my lunch hour to get one for you, or when it’s your day to drop the kids off at school and you don’t check they’ve picked up their lunches so when I get home I find two sets of soggy-looking sandwiches sitting on the kitchen side, or—’

  ‘Okay, maybe I do have my bad bits after all,’ he butted in. ‘But they just make me more lovable, right?’

  Cosette and Bell simply stared at him.

  ‘Okay, okay, my bad bits really are bad and I’ll go and flagellate myself in the kitchen. While I’m there I might be so good as to get some tiramisu out of the fridge. Would that help you overlook some of the really bad bits, maybe?’

  ‘I thought you’d never ask!’ Cosette smiled. ‘And grab another bottle of wine while you’re at it.’

  *

  When Bell arrived home two days later, she was both tired and revived. Spending forty-eight hours with an eight-year-old and a ten-year-old was exhausting. Even though, as kids went, they were super-well-behaved, she still had no idea how Cosette and Rich coped with being parents and working so hard in their day jobs. But they had also helped her put everything into perspective. Watching the wonder on Oli’s face when he’d shown her the crab he’d caught, and the joy Sophie got from finding the shiniest shell on the beach and handing it to her to keep safe, had softened Bell around the edges. She decided that if the sun came out like the weather forecast had promised, she was going to head to the community centre and its outdoor pool the very next morning. If her afternoon was to be filled by an awkward encounter with her ex, she might as well enjoy the hours that were her own.

  It was with mixed feelings that Bell set out for the centre the next day. It might not have been raining, but it was only 17 degrees and she wasn’t exactly looking forward to stripping off to just her cossie and feeling the icy sting of the water. Nevertheless, she’d promised herself she was going to go swimming, so swimming was what she was going to do. It was bank holiday Monday, but she was still surprised how busy the pool looked when she made her way round the back of the building. The sun was trying to peep out from behind the clouds by the time she shuffled out of the changing rooms with her beach towel wrapped tightly round her white skin. She’d shaved her legs specially for the occasion, but she was still very self-conscious as she hung her towel on a spare peg and made her way gingerly towards the steps.

  ‘I find it’s best to just jump in and get it over with!’ came a friendly voice from the water. ‘I could see you hesitating, but once you’re in the water it’s not nearly so bad.’

  ‘Really? It looks pretty cold!’ Bell smiled, dipping her toe in and quickly removing it.

  ‘Well, it’s not exactly tropical, that’s true, but if you keep moving you’ll be all right. On that note, I’d better do another length! Enjoy your swim.’ And the woman swam effortlessly off towards the deep end.

  ‘Come on, Bell,’ she said to herself. ‘It’s now or never!’ She wasn’t quite brave enough to jump in, but she lowered herself down the steps and gasped as the water hit first her thighs, then her stomach and then the tops of her arms. But she was in and hadn’t had a heart attack from the shock so she supposed that was something. And after a few lengths, she found the woman had been right – while it would have been pushing it to say she was in any way warm, she wasn’t as shivery as she’d presumed she’d be. By her fifth length she was able to concentrate less on the temperature of the water and more on taking a look around.

  Her half of the pool was divided into lanes and three or four people like her were fairly happily swimming up and down. The other half was where all the splashing and shouting was coming from, as children jumped in, shrieked, swam around a bit and did handstands in the shallow end. There were various parents in the water trying to keep their offspring under control, as well as a few on the pool edge, blowing up armbands, fetching the long, thin noodle buoyancy aids as and when they got chucked out of the water, and holding out towels to shivering children. Out of the corner of her eye, Bell noticed some long, dark hair, and when she pushed off the side to begin swimming her next length, she slowed her stroke and turned her head – there was Millie bending down to talk to her son as she pushed bright-orange bands on to his arms. She watched as Wolf slid into the pool at the shallow end and began kicking excitedly as he held on to the side.

  Bell was tiring herself by this point as her lack of any kind of recent exercise began to make itself known, but she was pretty pleased with the twenty-four lengths she’d already done and decided she could just about manage another two.

  Breathless and weary, she hauled herself out of the water and on to the side, where she turned and briefly surveyed the scene with satisfaction. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she felt a painful impact on her right knee and within a split second she heard a huge smack as a small body slammed into hers.

  Just managing to keep her balance and not tumble back into the pool, Bell made a vain grab for the child, but he’d already hit the floor and ended up in a heap on the side. There was a beat of silence when all sorts of awful thoughts flashed through her mind and then a loud, plaintive wail.

  ‘Muuuuuuuuuummy!’

  Bell desperately looked around but his mummy was nowhere to be seen.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Millie
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br />   With the permanent drizzle and chocolate-egg-overload tantrums, Easter weekend seemed to have gone on for ever, so when the rain stopped and Wolfie had asked whether they could go swimming before lunch on Monday, Millie had agreed to stand around on the poolside for half an hour far more enthusiastically than she would normally have done.

  ‘Great idea, Wolfie, a bit of fresh air will do us both good, I think,’ she’d said, reaching for his Peppa Pig bag and praying she’d remembered to wash his swimming stuff. The idea of finding an uninviting, chloriney plastic bag filled with damp clothes in the bottom didn’t bear thinking about. Thankfully, for once, her parenting skills had passed the test and the only thing she found in the corner of his bag were some discarded underpants that Wolf had refused to put back on after his lesson the week before, preferring to go commando under his jeans. Millie hadn’t had the strength to argue.

  They had set off to the pool in good spirits, Wolfie chatting away about all the things they could do during the school holidays, which seemed to consist mostly of going swimming and playing football in the park, followed by pizza and ice cream.

  ‘You might get bored if we do that every day,’ she’d reasoned. ‘But I’m sure we can come up with other things we can do. If the weather stays like this, we could pitch the tent in the garden and have a sleepover outside, or maybe we could go to the zoo to see the penguins one day?’

  ‘Won’t the penguins cost a lot of money?’ he’d asked, looking up at Millie with concern in his big brown eyes.

  ‘I’m sure we could stretch to a few days out,’ she’d smiled in return. Well, that’s what credit cards were for, right?

  ‘Yay!’ Wolf had skipped along beside her. ‘I think I’d also like to do the outside sleepover, but only if you’re there too, Mummy. I might be a bit scared on my own. Though I’d probably be okay,’ he’d added quickly.

  ‘Remember what I said, Wolfie? It’s okay to be scared sometimes, especially if you tell me about it and I can make it all better. Of course I’ll be there but we’ll have to wrap up warm in our sleeping bags as it will be quite cold at night.’