“Don’t forget massive hellbeast.”
“Aw, thanks, bro. You always know just how to cheer me up and then go ahead and do the opposite.”
“You’re welcome.”
“See ya back at the office.” I gave him a weak smile as I left.
“Hey, Sam?”
“Yeah?” I turned and looked at him.
“You know you’re awesome, right?”
“Damn straight.” I grinned.
“Good.”
“See ya.” I turned back and continued walking to my car.
I still suffer some self-esteem issues from the hell that was my childhood. I was trying not to let these misinformed jackdaws get under my skin, but that old not-good-enough recording kept playing in my mind.
I had to stop the melancholy or there would be no way I could do my job as effectively. I did a technique my shrink, Dr. Rachel Everby, recommended and boxed up my emotion and set it aside to be opened, and dealt with properly, later.
As I turned the car key, the rumble of my Hemi put a curl to the corners of my lips and I closed my eyes. A light rain had started to fall and I delighted in the drive. Creedence Clearwater was playing on the radio and, when added to the ting of the raindrops hitting the car and the sound of the wind, it made me feel comforted.
The office was reached too quickly and I pulled into the lot with a lump of anger burning in my gut like cheap Mexican food. Too bad the cause hadn’t been as delicious as cheap Mexican food.
Great, now I’m hungry for tacos.
Chapter 15
INSTEAD OF GOING off and getting my yummy treat, I parked and entered the building, steeling myself for any crap that might be thrown my way for being a shifter. Tensions inside had been higher than normal since the vamps had come out. As I entered the observation room, Gerry held out a cup of coffee.
“Figured you could use this.” It was good. Cinnamon mocha.
God bless James Brady.
“Thanks, Gerry. Sorry about overstepping earlier. How’s she looking?”
“No worries. She looks annoyed, sweaty, and like she has to pee something fierce.” He grinned and took a sip of his own coffee.
“Perfect. Hit record will ya?” I ducked into the room carrying my files in one hand and my coffee in the other.
“Oh, hi there. You must be—” I looked at the file and then back at her. “Jennifer Daniels?”
“Yes. I was told to come in, that someone was killing AWFA members and I want to help catch them. I’ll give you a list of all the AWFA members in the Birmingham area if you drop any charges against me and offer me protection. I mean, it’s not like they’re doing any damage.” She leaned back in her seat only to sit forward again.
A look of discomfort crossed her face and I knew that she really had to pee and there’d be no stonewalling.
“Okay. Fair enough. Here’s some paper and a pencil. Go ahead and write your statement and the names down and I’ll take it to my boss. He’ll decide what it’s worth.”
“No. I want a deal first.”
“I’m sorry, Miss Daniels, it doesn’t work that way. You can go ahead and go if you like. I do suggest you be careful; someone is out there killing AWFA members. If it got out that you were one, it could mean a very bad night for you.” I gathered my files together and acted as though I was ready to leave.
“Wait! You can’t leave me hanging out there, alone!”
“If you don’t have anything that can help us, ma’am, I’m afraid I have to.” I allowed her to see my eyes change and then I turned away. Only she would have seen the change.
“Oh, my god!” She looked terrified. “They’re real! You’re one of them!”
“Yup, and as AWFA has said, we are vicious beasts in need of death, right? I guess you now know what that’s like. I suggest you stay away from anything AWFA related. Good luck.” I stood and walked to the door, turned, and went back and grabbed my coffee. “Whoops.”
Based on the look of gratitude she gave when I came back in for my joe, I was sure she wasn’t going to let me out that door a second time.
“Wait! Please! Look, I didn’t know weres and vamps were real. I swear I’ll help. I have a thumb drive with everything you need to nail AWFA for domestic terrorism.”
Well that sure sounded like useful information to me.
“Let me see it and verify the information.”
“It’s coded.”
“Yes, most programs are.”
“No, I mean it’s booby-trapped.”
“Well, that could present a problem.” Not so much for some of the guys I used to work with, though she didn’t need to know that.
“Please! I don’t want to die because of this shit. I didn’t even believe in anything they said until just now.”
“So why get involved with a hate group?”
“I, well, I’m using the guys to pay my bills. Figured when I get tired of this town I’ll split and move on to the next one.”
“Your job was to make the victims feel safe and then hand them off to Jeremy Danvers?”
“Essentially. I was to get them to come in and trust me and then Jeremy would get top dollar for them in Eastern Europe. There’s a lot of crazies paying top dollar for fresh girls.”
“If you didn’t believe in weres, how could you do this to other women?” I was more disgusted than I was curious. I hoped there was an element of Stockholm to it all.
“Better them than me. I had a rough childhood and I’m taking care of me now.” She ran a hand through her hair and tried to look tough.
“Do you know what these sickos do to your fresh girls?” I opened a file folder that contained several of the heinous crime scene images that had come my way since I’d begun looking into the shifter slave trade.
I threw them on the table in front of her.
All of the victims were of a similar size and coloring to her. Brady gets serious bonus points for doing that. I’d only asked him for a file with a few of the pics of remains in it. By using ones that looked like her it caused her to relate to them more because she could see herself in the victims.
“Oh, God! Why would you show me that?” She ran to a wastebasket by the door and puked.
“I thought you’d be interested in seeing what you caused. I know you saw the money, but you never saw this end of your actions, did you?”
“No, but they told me they weren’t going to be hurt.”
“This sure looks like it hurt, to me.” I held up a picture of a shifter killed mid-change; its partially shifted body displayed prominently in the house of a Russian member of AWFA.
Her only response was to vomit again.
“We’re not monsters. We’re people just like you. Though you got them to trust you and sold them to their deaths, so maybe you are the real monster here.”
“I never meant for this to happen.” She was kneeling by the trash can on the floor and cradling it in her lap as if it were a teddy bear. Tears were streaming down her reddened scrunched up face and every now and again she either let out a sob or gagged.
“Give me the thumb drive and we will talk afterwards.”
“It’s in my purse. The red plastic gorilla.”
“Wait here.” I grabbed my coffee and walked out of the room, leaving the crime scene photos in there with her.
She needed to see the results of her actions. Money can blind people to bad things, but this was a whole lot of evil.
“But I gotta pee!” she howled after me.
I entered observation and saw Quinn had arrived while I was talking to her. He was on the phone with personal property trying to figure out where Jennifer Daniels’ purse was.
“Should be up here in fifteen.” He held his hand over the phone. “Want to get some coffee and a couple donuts?”
“How about a Fresca and some carrot sticks?”
“What is up with you and the Frescas?”
“Fucking refreshing, that’s what. Honestly, I don’t know; lately, I can’t
get enough of them.”
“Weird.”
“Tell me about it. I’m also craving wild game: duck, rabbit, venison.”
“Sounds like your cat and you are getting closer.”
“I don’t know if I can take it. Smells and tastes have become so much deeper and complex since I became a shifter.”
“I can’t imagine what it’s like. Maybe you should talk to Alex.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Well, he’s got a werecat, too, right?”
“Yeah. Tigers are different than jaguars, though.”
“So? Isn’t this more about mastering the animal within rather than defining it?”
“Huh, yeah, when you put it that way.”
“Talk to Alex.” Quinn patted my hand and answered his phone. Then he whispered, “It’s Kelly.”
I waved for him to go talk to her, then pulled out my own phone and dialed Ben. As much as I wanted to talk to Alex, I didn’t think he’d understand it as well. Ben knew what it was like. I just wanted to get his perspective as a jaguar. Or at least that’s what I tried to convince myself.
I didn’t bother trying my wolf friends because wolves were too different from cats. They preferred to hang out in groups and I really liked being alone. They lived in complete harmony with their beast by giving into it every single day.
Kind of like I did with my bunny hunts.
I hadn’t done one in way too long. Maybe that was why she was getting stronger and more insistent. Perhaps I had to change and set her free every now and again so that she stayed happy. I know life had been busy lately, but it hit me that I hadn’t run in over a month.
Al had invited me at least twice a week.
I had no idea how long, when, or even if Ben ran. Maybe that was the key to our jaguars, letting them have time to play.
I would like that. She settled back down and curled into a ball and closed her eyes.
“Hello?” Ben answered gruffly.
“Hey.” Yup, I heyed him like some stupid teenager.
“Hey, back.”
“I need to run and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go for a quickie. Run. A quick run. Not the sex. I wasn’t asking about sex.” Ah, the old smooth as 20 grit sandpaper charm. It’s my specialty.
“Yeah, I’m actually around the corner from your work. I had to visit a client.”
“Oh, okay. Where do you usually run?”
“There’s an old abandoned farm not far away that I use. There’s about two hundred acres, so it has plenty of room to run. It’s been growing corn and soybeans like crazy, even though the land hasn’t been touched in five years, so there are plenty of bunnies.”
“Music to my ears.” Mmmm.
When I was human, I was owned by a couple of rabbits. When I became a werejaguar, I had to give them up for adoption because I was always starving with them around.
The constant scent of bunny was distracting and I feared I would eat them.
Instead, I opted to dine on those in the wild. Now, before you go full PETA on me, I eat most every part of the rabbit, unfortunately. Also, I don’t eat them every day. Only when I need to run or am furry and feverish, aka virulent. I’d probably feel more like a monster if they weren’t so frigging delicious.
“Sam?” I realized that Ben had asked me a question and I hadn’t been listening.
I’d been too wrapped up thinking of the tasty, tasty bunnies.
“Sorry, my mind drifted.”
“I said, I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes?” He sounded amused.
“Yeah, that’ll work. See you then.” I was hoping we could talk more about making Jix submit to me.
I needed to get past this ache she had for him. It was eerily strong. In that moment it hit me just how stupid of an idea this was. I should have called him back and said no, but I needed to run. The treadmill wasn’t cutting it. He hung up before I could change my mind.
Damn. This was idiotic. Why had I called him? I wanted Alex, not Ben, right? Right. Totally right. There was only one thing I could do. I had to tell Ben I couldn’t see him anymore.
We’d run and then I’d distance myself from whatever crazy preternatural attraction curse I have on me when it comes to him. I’d tell him to leave me be and let me live my life with Alex, as I was meant to. It was exactly what I needed.
Except it felt wrong.
Chapter 16
BEN TEXTED ME when he was downstairs. I texted Alex that I was going for a run with Ben and that I would see him when I got back.
Alex texted back, “Not cool, but I trust you.”
Ben and I drove in silence, allowing the radio to fill the void until we lost the satellite.
“So, how often do you run?” I hate awkward silences,
“Whenever I can.” Ben smiled. I could tell running as a jaguar meant a lot to him.
“This place is safe? No humans?”
“Extremely safe. I bought it. Own all 200 acres. It was mostly cornfield, but there are a few patches of woods here and there.”
“Nice.” I nodded and looked out at the scenery flying by.
“Yeah. I might build a house there when I’m ready to settle down.” I turned back to him and he gave me an over-long glance.
I felt uncomfortable. “Sounds lovely. I hope it—and whoever you settle down with—brings you a lot of happiness.”
“What about you, Sam? Are you happy?”
“Yes.” Not completely happy currently, but in a big picture sort of way I was very happy with how my life had turned out.
I loved my job, my friends, my boyfriend, and I had begun creating a sort of weird friendship with Ben. Not to mention food, a roof over my head, and the essentials of life, like Ben and Jerry’s. Things may be a bit bizarre, but they’re good.
“Glad to hear it. All I want is for you to be happy. We’re here, ready to run?” He turned off the car and we sat a moment, the end of Back in Black crackling on the radio.
“I am. Been far too long.” My jaguar was happier than I’d ever seen her.
She was prancing and chuffing while occasionally leaping for joy. She was getting her fondest wish, to run with her mate. I wasn’t exactly comfortable with it, but I needed to run and I needed to talk to Ben.
“So, you wait in here. I’ll go outside, strip and change, and then holler when I’m done. We can do the reverse after our run.”
“Okay.” Ben shrugged and I took off my seatbelt and stepped out of the car and toward the back a bit. I turned my back to the window and began undressing.
In a few moments I was a black jaguar. “Okay, your turn.”
I looked under his car and watched as his two feet turned to four. “Nice ankles.” I walked around and met him on the driver’s side.
“So, where to?” It was awkward; Jix wanted to tackle her mate and play and I just wanted to go home and eat nachos with my boyfriend.
“I usually start here and circle around the property.”
“Okay. I’ll follow you.”
He set off in an easy lope and I followed suit. We hadn’t gone far when the scent hit.
Bunnies.
I wish to hunt.
Have at it. I stepped away and let her take the lead. Even though she came forward, I was still there, too. Sort of like riding in the passenger seat of a car. I wish I could’ve used this time to get caught up on emails, but no cell service in my brain.
She jumped and leapt over rocks and bushes as she chased a rabbit. I found myself cheering her on. I could feel her joy and it was making me happy.
The rabbit darted across Ben’s path, through my legs, and down into its burrow. Jix started digging. Not wanting dirt under my nails, I said, Don’t bother, they have backup runs. He’s nowhere near us and this hole.
She growled at me.
Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.
After a half-chuff/half-sigh, she loped over to Ben who hadn’t been chasing the yummy bunny. She chuffed up at him and rubbed our face on his. No. No
t cool.
Why? Do you not mate with the tiger while I am stuck to watch?
Big difference, this is my body, not yours, and you can leave this realm.
But it is my body now, too. We share it.
Yes, but no. We may share the body, but it was mine long before it was yours.
You do not make any sense at all.
Look, you can go away while I am with the tiger, I can’t go anywhere. I don’t want to mate with Ben, and if you force the issue, you’d better understand that I will never see him again. Ever!
I was fuming. While I understood how it had to be difficult for her to watch me choose Alex, she had some other realm or place she could retreat to. In the beginning, when I didn’t have any control, it was like I’d blacked out, but once I gained control, I stayed in the passenger seat and was forced to watch everything, just like with the bunnies. I didn’t want that ever again.
You are cruel.
I am being whatever I have to be to protect myself. I will never allow anyone to use me again. Ever. My words came out in a hiss, both in my mind and in reality.
Ben sensed something was going on and shot me a concerned look. I nodded I was okay and he ambled off to continue his property check.
You made him go.
No. He went out of kindness. I will take control back for a bit and I think you should just relax and enjoy.
How can I relax when you are doing all the wrong things? Your Ben is my mate and one day you will see that it makes him your mate, too.
Today is not that day. I seized back control of my body by thrusting my consciousness into every cell. I don’t know how I do it to be honest, it comes with practice. I was expecting a knock down drag out fight. She didn’t give me one.
She only sighed. You do not allow me enough room to run and be myself.
This is crazy. I must be crazy. That’s it, there is no metaphysical jaguar and I’m bonkers. Maybe the bite got infected and made me insane? Maybe I’m living in an insane asylum and am currently cracking up again.
You should seek help. We need to live in balance with each other. If you and Ben give over yourselves to us, then my mate and I can be together and you can satisfy that desire you have for him without any guilt over your tiger.
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