by Lisa Daily
After a while I forgave him, his wife kicked him out of his flat and I let him stay with me and my parents on and off, and then on Christmas Day I found out that he’d spent three nights with his ex-girlfriend! He denied it like crazy, until he eventually admitted that it was true.
We’re talking about having a baby next year. His wife stopped divorce proceedings in January when she found out about me, and even stopped him from seeing the children. According to him, he’s sent her divorce papers and she’s now refusing to sign-which she won’t because like she said she doesn’t want his “young girl” to get everything! I don’t know what to do. Things have been really great with us. I know he loves me and we get along so well. We never argue (except for when he cheated.)
Is this is worth fighting for? I really love him. Please help.
Torn
Dear Torn,
He lies. He cheats. He’s married. What’s not to love?
Here’s the deal – he’s not cheating on you, he’s cheating on his wife. He’s cheating WITH you. Not only that, he must be using the classic cheating-husband handbook – “My wife is crazy,” (pg 57), “I just went on a trip with her because it’s her birthday” (pg. 31), “She won’t let me get a divorce,” (pg 2.) Blek.
As your older and wiser girlfriend, I’m going to give you one of the most valuable pieces of advice you’ll ever get: Get as far away from this man as possible. He is bad news, and he’s always going to be bad news.
He’s cheating on his wife, he’s cheating on his mistress. This guy is full plate of misery with a side of bullshit. Send him back.
Break it off with him and don’t look back.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
My boyfriend tends to forget to call me quite often. Does this mean that he has lost interest in me or he is cheating? We have been together a little over a month, he got me a gold necklace and bracelet, and he tells me he loves me quite often. Could this be a sign that he is feeling guilty?
Cold Caller
Dear Cold,
The fact that your boyfriend of one month forgets to call you on a regular basis indicates he is a man, not a cheater.
Assume the jewelry and the love talk are signs of his affection, and lack of phone time is a sign of his gender.
I know it’s hard to believe, but most guys do not obsess over the telephone the way we girls do. Put a little trust in this fledgling relationship and stop, I repeat stop, waiting by the phone.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 18 months. When we met he already had a girlfriend (I was told that they had problems.) After few months the girl was pregnant and he said he was waiting for a child to be born so that he can dump the woman. The child is six months old now, and he saying that he cannot dump the poor woman for no reason — it would be unfair. I don’t know what the right thing would be to do, should I stay or go?
He is treating me like princess. He respects me, and he’s very considerate, charming and attentive. He spends all his spare time with me and only sees that woman once after three months. He said that he really wants to dump her and doesn’t know how to do it. He wants to settle with me and I feel the same. He’s everything I want (except the fact of the other woman.) If I were to leave him, how should I do that? Tell him? Avoid him? Please help!
Baby Makes Four
Dear Four,
You’re kidding, right?
You haven’t been seeing your boyfriend for 18 months, you’ve been seeing SOMEONE ELSE’S boyfriend for 18 months.
You say he’s everything you want – well, if what you really want for is a guy who cheats, lies and abandons his offspring, well, I think you’ve hit the jackpot. Of course, if this guy doesn’t work out, you can always go to deadbeatdads.com and find a replacement.
Maybe I’m being a bit hard on you, but I think you might need a bit of a wake-up call. Here it is: WAKE UP!!!
He’s telling you that he can’t just break up with the mother of his child for no good reason – well, here’s a good reason: He’s CHEATING ON HER.
This guy is a jerk. He doesn’t respect you, he’s lying to you and treating you like an idiot. You should get as far away from this relationship as quickly as possible. If you stay, you’re just asking for the same crap he’s already dishing out to the mother of his baby. As for how you should pull the plug on this toxic relationship, well that’s up to you. If it were me, I’d tell the guy to grow up and get lost.
After that, I want you to spend some time (and maybe some cash on a little therapy) thinking about why you’d be willing to 1) get involved with a man who was already involved with someone else, and 2) think anybody who would cheat on and essentially abandon the mother of his child could be the man of your dreams.
Maybe you’re going through a rough spot and your self-esteem is in the toilet. Maybe you never thought about how it might feel to be on the other end of a cheating relationship. Whatever the reason, don’t add more misery to the world and stab one of your own in the back. Do the right thing. Both you and his other woman will be better off in the long run.
xxLisa
Hi Lisa,
I am a woman who just got dumped.
Why, when you know your mate has found someone new won’t they admit it? I confronted my ex with my suspicions and, of course, he denied it. There were no harsh words, tears or yelling during our talk - It was just me letting him know that I was aware of what was going on and that in order for me to put closure on our relationship, I needed to hear the truth from him. No go. He wouldn’t budge.
He left a few weeks ago without so much as a goodbye, which confirmed my suspicions but brought me no closure. Since then, I have read many online forums on the subject of breaking up and cheating and it seems that almost every one stated that while the man or woman may have cheated, they almost always owned up to it - either out of respect for their mates or to simply put a lid on it. Why couldn’t/wouldn’t my ex do that for me? I told him I’d let him go - I just wanted his honesty. How much easier could I have made it for him?
I know how busy you are but if you get a chance to answer this, I would be greatly appreciative. Thanks for providing this service to those of us who need it.
Sincerely,
In the Dumps
Dear Dumps,
First off, I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I know it hurts. I’m not sure what you’ve been reading, but I can tell you with certainty that it is a rarity that people will own up to cheating even if faced with a smoking gun. (Or worse still, smoking bed sheets.) This is why it is so important to have solid, indisputable proof before you confront him about his cheating.
Here’s why your ex wouldn’t admit to it – it was wrong, he knows it, you can’t prove it, and he doesn’t want to deal with an unpleasant situation. This is also why some men will just end a relationship by never calling again. They don’t want to face a nasty breakup scene, so they just avoid the situation altogether.
I do understand your need for closure, and unfortunately, I just don’t think you’re going to get it from him. What you need is confirmation that your suspicions were real, that you weren’t crazy or imagining things. He’s not going to tell you what you need to hear, so I will. You should trust your gut. If you think he was cheating on you, you’re right. (According to private investigators cheating IS occurring in more than 85% of relationships where it is suspected.) Women frequently doubt our instincts, even when every bone in our bodies is screaming a truth. Believe in yourself, you are right. Don’t look to him for closure, look to yourself.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
I was hoping you could give me some advice. In your book you say do not go back with a cheater — Well, I have been with my boyfriend for two years. Anyway, after six months into the relationship, I suspected he was cheating. I knew something wasn’t right. I questioned him on his whereabouts all the time because he has a job with long hours. Many times I would call a
nd he wouldn’t answer his phone at night until about one or two in the morning. I would check his phone messages and hear messages from girls. That went on for two years but he got better. I see him almost every day now and he answers his phone. I moved into his apartment with a roommate because my apartment became unsafe in March. Well, he got weird. He yells at me sometimes when we fight and calls me stupid.
We got into a fight about me calling the landlord and he told me to NEVER talk to her. He said “DO YOU HEAR ME ? SOMETIMES YOU’RE SO STUPID.” Another time he called me pathetic because I embarrassed him in front of his friends because I questioned him.
I got injured at work and so he has been paying my bills and rent for the last three months until I get surgery. I can’t work and so I’m in a situation where I’m dependent on him. At first he said he’d take care of me, but now he’s starting to sound resentful, and threatening me. I found out three weeks ago he has been cheating on me the whole two years with more than one girl, and having unprotected sex.
I am feeling helpless and confused. He begged me to take him back and he said he needed me. He loves me so much and only time will tell how much. So, I am still seeing him after him cheating. I love him and despite our fights we do have fun and laughs and I feel safe with him. I feel like I need advice, though. I have been in counseling but I feel like you could help me.
Confused
Dear Confused,
You say that you feel safe with this man, but believe me, you shouldn’t.
You’re in danger. Get out now. While he’s gone to work (or is out sleeping with someone else) get your things together and have a friend help you move out. Get out before he gets home. Don’t tell him you’re leaving, just get out. Stay with a friend, go to your parents’ house, or if you have to, go to a women’s shelter. If he hasn’t already, this guy is just weeks away from getting physically abusive with you. Calling you stupid and attempting to control your behavior are acts of emotional abuse. Physical abuse is not far behind.
If one person hurts, scares, and/or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse. Here are some warning signs: You feel afraid of your partner, you feel as though you have to walk on eggshells to keep your partner from getting angry, your partner has slapped or pushed you, you feel like you’ve done something wrong, but you don’t know what it is, your partner is good to you much of the time, but sometimes is scary or mean, or if you were abused as a child.
If any of these warning signs apply to you, you should talk to someone. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TTY 1-800-787-3224), and talk to a professional.
He’s not ever going to stop cheating, and his behavior is only going to get worse. Please don’t just sit around hoping things will get better. They won’t. The signs are there in spades. Read them, and save yourself.
Stay safe,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
I need some help from you and maybe some of your guy readers.
I began talking to a guy last October. He told me from the beginning that he had a girlfriend. He said she was way more into the relationship than he was and that he wanted to break up but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, all the while flirting like crazy with me. Well, we have kept in contact — I’ve seen him three times now. On the first few dates, they ended with a peck on the lips. On the final meeting, we hung out all night, kissed like we were dating and spent the night together. Absolutely nothing happened sexually. He never even attempted a move. Now, he’s avoided me like the plague. I don’t understand. I feel terrible, but I know that I did nothing wrong. I just want to understand why he is doing this. It has affected me in the worst way. Please help. Thank you.
Miserable
Dear Miserable,
Let me get this straight: In this guy’s version of reality, breaking up with his girlfriend would hurt her feelings, but making out with another girl wouldn’t? Puh-leese.
The reason he’s avoiding you like the plague is because he has a girlfriend. Maybe he feels guilty, maybe he just doesn’t want to get caught. Either way, the more time he spends with you, the bigger the chance he has of getting into big trouble with chick number one.
Despite the fact that you have not had actual sex, your role in this little drama is as “The Other Woman.” The emotional understudy. Which means your job is to wait by the phone while he carries on with his actual girlfriend, until he gets bored, brave, stupid or angry enough to call you up for round four. You may have kissed like you’re dating, but you’re not dating. Why? Because he’s already dating somebody else.
Don’t worry about him avoiding you. You should start avoiding him.
xxLisa
Hello Lisa,
I just read your book Stop Getting Dumped! and it was so timely for the scenario I just faced.
I met a guy at the funeral of a family friend. We had some great conversation and we then later went out to hear some music with a friend of mine that was in town. We had a good time, I took him back to his hotel and we said good night. The next day he left for home and called while at the airport and then again when he arrived at home. I was excited and he seemed to be too. Later that evening I spoke with his cousin who told me that he was involved with a woman and living with her. I was very disappointed and hoped that he would come clean the next time we talked, but he didn’t. So I decided that I wouldn’t talk to him again if he called. So after a week passed, he called and left a message on my voice mail. I don’t plan to call him but don’t you think I should just let him know that I’m not interested in talking to a man who is in a relationship with someone else?
New Dream Girl
Dear Dream Girl,
Wow, it takes a special kind of man to cheat on his girlfriend at a funeral.
First let me commend you on being such a fabulous, stand-up girl. I’m delighted to hear that you are passing up any involvement with this charming guy who is cheating on his girlfriend.
I don’t think it’s necessary to call him to let him know you won’t be dating him because he is, ahem, already dating someone else. If he continues to call, don’t call him back. If he happens to catch you at home, by all means, tell him you’re not interested in getting together with someone who clearly has his plate full, relationship-wise.
xxLisa
Dear Lisa,
If a man turns his phone off so he can’t be reached, not even by someone he claims to love, he lives two hours away and does not call as regularly as he used to, wouldn’t you say, “I’ve been dumped”?
Toe in the Dumpster
Dear Toe,
I’d say a guy who has just started to keep his phone turned off is acting suspiciously, and if I were you, I’d wonder why. Is he a male librarian? A movie theater usher? A psychologist? If keeping his phone turned off is something new, you have every reason to be suspicious. On the other hand, if he’s always kept it turned off, he’s either very polite and doesn’t want to be rude by answering a cell phone in the middle of a conversation with someone else, or he’s cheating on someone else and he doesn’t want a phone call from you while he’s with the other woman.
Here are the two questions you need to ask yourself: 1) Is this new behavior or something he’s always done and 2) if it’s something he’s always done, is it a function of his personality (polite or non-talkative) or possibly his profession?
It’s possible he’s just not a cell-phone kind of guy, and your demands to have 24-hour access have made him even less willing to chat then usual.
Think it over. As I see it, he’s either cheating, or you’re driving him away.
xx,Lisa
Dear Lisa,
A couple of weekends ago I went partying with my roommate (who is my best friend), her boyfriend, and her friends from University. There’s this guy that she’s friends with, but she also has told me that she has a thing for him, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. So this guy (the friend she likes) started really hitting on me and we ended up making out
, even though I knew that my roommate liked him. I mean, my roommate’s boyfriend was there and I didn’t know what to do because this guy was hot! And, there’s another catch. He has a girlfriend seven hours away. Apparently he likes my roommate too. So, why did he get it on me if he likes my roommate so much AND he has a girlfriend? I mean, yes, he was inebriated, but when it happened we were sobering up. And was what I did mean to my friend? She was really mad at me, but she has a boyfriend that she sees on a regular basis.
Confused and Unsure
Dear Confused,
You’re not the only one who’s confused. This letter reads like a script for Gossip Girl.
There are two simple rules that will keep you out of nearly all dating jams of this sort:
First, never ever flirt with somebody your friend likes. (Even if he doesn’t like her, even if she’s already involved with someone else.) Why? Man-poaching is just not cool. Good friends are hard to come by, (even more so if you have a reputation for stabbing them in the back) whereas cute boys can be found around every corner.
Second, never date a guy who is dating somebody else. Why hook up with a known cheater? The misery? The constant fear every time he’s out of your eyesight? The stunning variety of available STDs? You’ll never be able to trust him, and frankly, with his track record you shouldn’t. Besides, his current girlfriend already has enough on her plate dealing with her lowdown, cheating guy – that last thing she needs is another one of her own kind stabbing her in the back. We girls need to stick together. As for your girlfriend, obviously it’s not okay for her to cheat on her boyfriend. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do about her behavior other than to be a good friend. She’s going to have to figure this one out on her own.