To be honest, I almost felt sorry for her when she said, at the fake audition we put her through, that coming to the Academy was her last chance to make it as an actress. It must be terrible to feel obsolete at twenty-one. But the fact that she went all-out to eliminate the person she saw as her biggest rival quickly squashed any feelings of sympathy I might have had toward her. I’ll never forget the look on Carolyn’s face when it registered that Imogen saw Ruby as her rival, not Jess. It was just another of the many things that didn’t add up in Imogen’s story. Why did she think that Ruby was her biggest rival when anyone could have told her that the student-most-likely-to-succeed was Jess? And how did she know that Jess had been bullied by Ruby the year before, allowing her to use that knowledge to her advantage? It quickly became obvious that someone with inside knowledge of the Academy must have been in league with Imogen. But after we’d all finished accusing each other of being that person—I can’t believe that Carolyn actually thought it was me!—we all seemed happy to accept that she acted alone, probably because we were fed up with the whole thing by then.
There were other things that got swept under the carpet in the wake of Imogen’s disappearance, including the road-rage incident involving Carolyn and Elise. Carolyn, ever since seeing the CCTV image of the blond-haired driver in the other car, had been convinced Imogen was behind it, and so as far as she was concerned, once Imogen was no longer around, it was no longer important. And Elise hadn’t seemed to care one way or another.
‘You must be pleased to be here and not backstage for once,’ Kendall whispers, as one of the songs comes to an end and we break into applause.
‘Yes, I am,’ I whisper back. ‘And the parents seem to be enjoying it, which is a relief.’
I couldn’t believe it when Carolyn told us that not only had she written a musical but also that Adam wanted to stage it for the end-of-year performance, rather than a tried-and-tested musical. It’s always a risk when we perform a new piece of work, as one of the things the audience loves is joining in with the songs they know. But Adam was insistent that Carolyn should have the chance to showcase her talent and, I have to admit, it’s very good. She’s standing just off-stage, and I can see her clapping her hands vigorously, her applause directed solely at Jess rather than at all the students on the stage. I don’t know what her secret is, but for the last few months she’s been walking around like the cat with the cream. She and Adam have become very pally; she’s in and out of his office almost as much as I was last year. That’s what I mean about the dynamics changing at the Academy. Maybe her secret is that she’s trying to muscle her way on to the staff, as musical director or something. I wouldn’t put it past her, and everyone knows she’s sick of her law work.
‘Now for Ruby’s scene,’ I say to Kendall as we finish applauding and settle back into our seats. I give her hand a squeeze. ‘She’s going to be brilliant. It’s such a shame that Greg couldn’t make it.’
Kendall’s face clouds over and I could kick myself for being so insensitive. She and Ruby had thought Greg was coming, he’d promised he would. But then he changed his mind, pleading too much work.
Ruby walks onto the stage and Kendall leans forward in anticipation. I turn my head to where Elise is sitting farther along the row and I know from the look on her face that she’s a million miles away—or maybe just five thousand. I think I know her secret. She’s been over to the States quite a few times in the past six months, and I have a horrible feeling that she and Greg are in a relationship. I only suspect this because, not long ago, I was standing next to her while she was sending an email and I caught the name Greg Donovan in the header. Why would she be emailing him if there wasn’t something going on? Part of me wants to say something to Kendall, because if it were me, I’d want to know. But Kendall has enough on her plate at the moment. She looks worried to death half the time, as if she’s carrying some other dreadful secret around inside her, which she’s scared will come out one day. She watches Ruby constantly, as if she’s afraid for her. Or of her. That’s only to be expected, given Ruby’s suicide attempt. Carolyn and Elise think it was just a cry for help, although I’m not so sure. Imogen’s bullying tipped Ruby over the edge, but imagine having to live with the knowledge that you killed someone, even if it was in self-defense. No wonder Kendall didn’t want to tell us the truth. It’s awful to say, but all those things that Imogen did to Ruby have taught her a lesson. She’s a completely different person now and it’s lovely to see the four girls getting along so well. If only the same could be said for us mothers.
‘She was wonderful,’ I say as Ruby’s song comes to an end. Kendall gives me a grateful smile; she and I are fine—she never stops going on about how I saved Ruby’s life, which is very sweet of her as I only did what anyone else would have done. I still don’t know how I managed to close the distance between us in time to push Ruby out of the way of the falling slate, but I guess fear brings strengths out in you that you don’t know you have. That’s another thing that doesn’t add up, though. At first, Imogen was adamant that she saw someone on the roof just before the slate fell, implying that someone pushed it off on purpose. But then she changed her story, saying she must have been mistaken. And once again, everyone just seemed to go along with it.
Carolyn and Elise might have agreed about Ruby’s suicide attempt, but they’re no longer close. The last time the four of us were together, it was really uncomfortable. I’d invited them over for tea and scones, as a thank you for saving my skin in relation to the ghost students, and Elise couldn’t stop watching Carolyn, as if she was trying to work out something about her. And she kept throwing Kendall these looks of absolute disgust, which I didn’t understand at all, because what happened to Vee wasn’t Kendall’s fault. But maybe Elise’s disgust came from the fact that Kendall had lied to us again by not telling us the whole truth. She’s nicer to me now than she ever was. She’s never spoken to me since about her drug and drink addiction, but that’s fine, I didn’t expect her to give me a running commentary on how she’s doing. I just hope she’s getting the help she needs. I asked Bel if she knew anything and she said Sadie had told her that Elise is ‘working through it’—whatever that means. It’s awful, though; she’s got a bottle of water with her and every time she drinks from it, I’m wondering what’s actually in it. As if she can hear what I’m thinking, she leans forward and raises the bottle in a ‘cheers’ gesture before taking a long drink. And then she winks and gives me a big smile and I can’t help smiling back. But I just don’t know.
Carolyn was the only one who reacted positively when I told her about Imogen’s boyfriend. She actually used the word ‘awesome’ and looked at me admiringly when I told her that I’d followed Imogen, and confronted her boyfriend. Not only that, she agreed with me that he was probably using Imogen as a way of getting drugs into the Academy. We’ll never know if that was the case, because before we could do anything, Imogen had done another of her disappearing tricks. Only this time she didn’t come back.
It was Carolyn who came with me to the police. We heard from them later that Imogen’s boyfriend was indeed a drug dealer. He’s now behind bars, so that’s something I can be proud of, getting a drug dealer convicted. It goes a little way to making up for the other thing I did. It’s also taught me that I don’t need recognition from anyone to be proud of myself, and certainly not from Carolyn, Elise, or Kendall. I’m no longer in awe of them—why would I be? When it comes down to it, Carolyn is a schemer and manipulator, Elise has no morals, and Kendall is a liar. Harsh, maybe, but I’m certainly not referencing them anymore, and my life is so much better for it.
‘Bel’s turn now,’ I say to Carl as the stage clears for the next scene.
‘She’s going to be brilliant,’ Kendall whispers as Carl takes my hand in his.
‘I hope so.’ I lean in toward her. ‘By the way, thank you for all those things you donated to the wardrobe department, they’re great.’
‘It’s just things I don�
��t need anymore,’ she says. ‘Look, here’s Bel!’
I settle back to watch. Kendall’s right: I can’t see her needing the long blond wig anymore—not now that her hair has grown back.
As I said, we all have secrets.
KENDALL
It’ll be over soon.
That’s what I tell myself about so many things, large and small. It’s not always easy to tell the difference, though I’ve been fighting to regain perspective. I’d kill for the effortless calm from when I learned the cancer was in remission; when I felt, down to my marrow, that life was too precious to be wasted; when I knew just what was important. I wish that Ruby’s suicide attempt could have had the same impact. Instead, I’m routinely plagued by irritation and resentment.
Not toward Ruby, thankfully. We’re closer than we’ve ever been, with the full awareness that no one will ever look out for us the way we look out for each other. We’ll see what happens with 42nd Street, and if that’s not her big break, then we’ll head to New York City and she’ll get what she deserves on Broadway. I hope the other girls and their mums get what they deserve, too.
Will this show ever end?
Ruby’s already had her big number, so I’m about ready to check out. Her part is insultingly brief, especially given how essential she was to the real plot, the one that Carolyn has cribbed to make this travesty. Ruby wasn’t even cast to play the 1940s version of herself! But at least the Ruby character isn’t the true villain; Imogen is. All’s well that ends well, as Adam Racki—I mean William Shakespeare—would have said.
I just need to count my blessings and endure. Afterward, I’ll congratulate Carolyn on a job well done, and that’ll be that.
But it’s all pretty tough to swallow. Was Carolyn’s big secret really that she wants to write musicals? Acerbic Carolyn goes gaga for a catchy chorus?
I don’t buy it.
I remember Carolyn saying Imogen/Lisa had an accomplice. I think that accomplice was hiding in plain sight, and it was Carolyn. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt anyone (not physically, anyway); things just got out of control. Perhaps Imogen went rogue. The intention was to threaten the school’s reputation and make Mr. Racki look inept. Then she could let him know the way to get her (and Imogen) to stop was to stage her musical. Face it, the show is so awful that its production reeks of extortion.
If she starts anything with Ruby or me, then I’ll see what proof I can dig up. But these days, I barely see her, probably because she’s been at every rehearsal, fretting about every detail. That leaves Elise and Bronnie as the focal points for my current ire. I never forget a betrayal.
Well, it won’t be long before the curtain comes down and I can put this night behind me. Soon, OFA and all its players will be a distant memory, grist for Ruby’s theatrical mill. Hopefully, she can channel all these experiences into a part someday. She’ll be so versatile, able to play both the predator and the prey. All she has to do is keep her eye on the prize and continue to resist her impulses. She’s in therapy twice a week and her self-esteem is improving by leaps and bounds. She knows her worth, so I no longer worry about her hurting herself. Now, other people . . .
It’s not that she’s made any threats. On the contrary, she’s been a model student and friend. But I can’t help fearing that one sudden act can derail her.
I get that all too well. We’re very similar, Ruby and I, in that we have good hearts, yet when provoked, our worst instincts take over. I don’t condone her behavior, and I don’t condone mine either. I know I should never have rented that car with the tinted windows to give Carolyn and Elise a scare, though it felt good at the time (and it was fun to find a use for one of my old cancer wigs). Afterward, I felt remorseful, just like Ruby always does.
I’ve concluded that Elise didn’t fuck Greg to get at me, that it wasn’t even a show of hostility. Elise just took what she wanted because that’s what she does. It’s who she is. I’ve had some nights of true fury thinking about it, and I’ve been able to control myself, but someday I might not be able to, and a small part of me welcomes that.
I have my fantasies, and they extend beyond Elise. Carolyn features sometimes, with her absolutism and her condescension. She must have known about Greg and Elise; I bet she and Elise found it uproarious. And Bronnie’s in there on occasion, because in her way, she hurt me most.
I’ll go to tea whenever I’m invited because you keep your enemies close, right? Keep monitoring to see what they know; stay privy to the conversations and speculations; seem normal and sweet so that they’ll never suspect my final lie.
The truth? Ruby hated Vee right away. She didn’t like Vee’s personality but she wasn’t threatened; Vee wasn’t talented at all, in Ruby’s opinion. But the teachers disagreed, and Vee was getting cast in leading roles that should have gone to Ruby. I was right there with Ruby, a partner in outrage. It was just so unfair that Ruby should lose out to a nothing like Vee. At least Jess was deserving.
Then one day I was shocked to see Vee at our kitchen table, and the two girls were talking and laughing. Later, I asked Ruby what was going on and she said nothing, she was just making a new friend. For the next show, Vee bombed her audition, and Ruby got the best part. That’s when I figured it out: Ruby wanted to keep Vee close in order to get under her skin, to plant seeds of self-doubt, to subtly neg her, and to spread rumors untraceably. It worked. Vee was unsettled, and had been unseated.
I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it was really just fair play, since Ruby deserved those leads. Additionally, the more I got to know Vee, the more I disliked her. She was genuinely annoying: overly dramatic and self-aggrandizing, and she’d been venerated her whole life for a talent that I couldn’t even detect.
It’s not like I did nothing. I tried to convince Ruby to abort her plan. She’s gotten what she wanted. Vee was no longer a threat, no longer a rival. She’d been neutralized. Yet Ruby continued, playing the role of Vee’s best friend and confidante, almost like she was enjoying her front row seat to Vee’s destruction. But that was just Ruby acting out from all the pain of watching me go through chemo. She didn’t know how to handle her fear of losing me.
The day Vee died, I came home and heard the two of them arguing at the top of the stairs. It sounded like Vee had figured out that Ruby was the one who’d been undermining her over the past months, and she was furious. Vee said cruel things about Ruby’s appearance and talent, and talked about how she’d ruin Ruby at school.
I’d heard enough. I charged up the stairs and found that Vee was the one gripping Ruby, not the other way around. Ruby seemed frozen, paralyzed, and Vee was the aggressor.
All I meant to do was separate them. I wanted to make sure that in her rage, Vee didn’t throw Ruby down the stairs. So I broke Vee’s hold, and I must have done it with too much force because somehow, Vee ended up at the bottom of the steps.
I planned to call the police and tell the truth. Vee had been the one attacking Ruby and I’d intervened. It had been an accident. Or was it self-defense?
Ruby said I couldn’t do that. ‘Mom,’ she said, ‘you pushed her.’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘You can’t tell them what really happened. You can’t leave me.’
She’d been so scared of losing me to cancer; I couldn’t put her in a position where she might lose me to prison.
She insisted we lie to the police, and she was very persuasive. We got our stories straight. Since we’re both great actresses, it was ruled an accident. But somehow, word of Ruby’s bullying Vee had gotten out, and in the court of public opinion, Vee became a victim and Ruby a suspected murderer.
There’d been no way to clear her name unless I sullied mine, and Ruby didn’t want that. When she wasn’t able to transfer schools, London had been her idea.
Even in her suicide note, she’d stuck to the story. On the one hand, that made me feel terribly guilty, but on the other, it affirmed that she loved me more than anything, just the same way I loved her. She’d been willing to sacrifice h
erself for me. Thank God it hadn’t worked.
All this time, I’d thought only Ruby and I knew the truth, but it’s turned out that not only has Greg known, he’s had proof.
He told me about it tearfully in the very same conversation where he confessed that he’d slept with Elise. ‘It only happened once, and it made me see how much I love you,’ he said. He wasn’t trying to blackmail me, but I still don’t believe in coincidences. ‘I want to save our family,’ he told me. What could I say back? ‘I want to save our family, too.’ I mustered a few tears while inside, I roiled.
I said that since he had the footage, he must have known that it was Ruby’s idea to cover up the crime. Unfortunately for me, there was no sound. But I’m pretty sure I convinced him that my motives had been pure.
The surprising twist is what all this has done for our sex life. Confirming that Greg had slept with Elise ignited my spirit of competition, and I’ve been upping my sexual game. Since we’re working on our family, Greg’s visited a few times. He and I have started playing out some elaborately designed fantasies. Skype sex is pretty hot, too. Mostly, I like the role play, but some of Greg’s suggestions—he’s a cop, I’m a suspect; he’s a warden, I’m an inmate—remind me that he holds the trump card. Giving Greg the sex of his life has an ulterior motive: It saves mine.
Sometimes, afterward, I feel pretty degraded. Trapped, even. And I wonder how long it can go on, how long I can let it go on. Before her suicide attempt, Ruby had talked about being free. What would I do for freedom?
I see a movement in the corner of my eye and glance over. It’s Ruby at the end of the row, in her costume and stage makeup, gesturing for me to come with her. Because of the dimmed lights in the auditorium, it’s not until we’re out in the hall that I see just how wild-eyed with rage she is.
The Understudy Page 29