Of course. Fate was being as predictable as ever.
Ben crossed his arms. “Why did you say it like that?”
“Like what?” Efia said.
“Like with that little edge in your voice when you said ‘girlfriend’?”
Efia chuckled. “OK, well, maybe it’s because you never speak about her and she’s a total mystery. Maybe that’s the reason.”
Ben’s eyes widened. “I’ve spoken about her!”
Efia shifted in the hammock and turned to me. “On the day we first met, he told me ‘Bella’ was travelling over the summer, and when I asked ‘Who’s Bella?’ Ben said, ‘My girlfriend’ and then deflected my attention by asking if I fancied going for YO! Sushi one day after work, because then all I could think about was panko prawns and not the enigma that is ‘Bella’.” She leaned slightly further forward towards me and lowered her voice a bit, like it was secret. “He’s cunning like that.”
Ben blew a breath out. “I mean, OK, I guess I’m just not one of those people who talks about themselves a lot—”
“No, no, no, no!” Efia chirped. “I know plenty about you. It’s Bella who remains cloaked in secrecy … but that’s fine, maybe it’s private, and I respect that. And I believe you.”
Ben stared at her. “What do you mean, you believe me?”
“That’s she real.”
“Of course she’s real! Oh my god, Efia, she’s real!”
Efia held her hands up. “OK! Sorry! You’re very defensive, it’s weird.”
“She’s real! I have … a photo!” Ben started pulling his phone out of his pocket.
“Does it have a Getty Images watermark?” Efia smirked.
I couldn’t help but snort. “Oooh! She … that is … ha! That’s … yeah,” I said.
“Why would I go to the effort of finding and paying for stock photographs of my imaginary girlfriend when I could just pull something off Google?” Ben shook his head. “Makes no sense. And why would I lie anyway?”
“Because boys are full of crap,” Efia announced. “Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.”
“You’re such a wind-up merchant!” Ben shook his head and smiled at her. Dimples. I really needed to get over those dimples. Especially now. Now he had a girlfriend. However vague she was. I took a good mouthful of my drink, telling myself, firmly, that I must not, under any circumstances, repeat my previous mistakes. I must not fall for this boy. This couldn’t be Will all over again.
I became aware of something warm, moist and slightly rough tickling me, and glanced down to see Artoo Dogtoo enthusiastically licking my ankle. He looked up, as if to check if this was OK, so I gave him a small nod, and he happily carried on. At least someone thought I was tasty.
Efia was still smiling back at Ben. “How did you and Bella meet anyway?”
“School. We’re in the same year.”
“Ohh!” Efia said. “So she lives round here?”
A flicker of annoyance flashed across Ben’s face. “Yes! Did you think she was just an internet girlfriend who’s really a fifty-year-old man who’s trying to get me to send him dick pics?” He looked between us both. “I mean, not that I would send dick pics to anyone, but you get what I mean?”
“Uh-huh,” Efia said. “Parents?”
“Yes, massive surprise, but she does have parents – she wasn’t genetically engineered and raised in a laboratory.” He took a breath, and looked like he was making a real effort to dial back the sarcasm about ten notches. “Mum’s a GP, dad runs a software company.”
“Oooo!” Efia cooed. “Minted.”
Ben shrugged. “I guess. Don’t know what she’s doing with a pauper like me.”
I held my finger in the air and they both looked at me. “It’s not … money … shouldn’t always … a thing, see?” It appeared my lips weren’t working properly. Either it was the concussion or the vodka.
“Heartfelt and important words, buddy,” Ben said, patting my leg.
I downed the remainder of my drink.
“Artoo Dogtoo! No!” Ben said, clocking what was still happening around my ankles. “No licking!”
“He’s fine,” I said.
Ben cocked his head, and Artoo Dogtoo cocked his head back, both staring at one another in this battle-of-wills, until Artoo made a little whimper of defeat, and lay down on the grass, paws out in front, resting his chin on top of them.
“Good boy,” Ben said.
Efia leaned back in the hammock. “I think we need to fix Alex up with someone this summer. Maybe with this mysterious Lemon Boy character, whoever he is!”
I shook my head.
“Yeah, who is he?” Ben asked.
“He’s no one.”
“Ah, so he is someone!” Efia said, triumphantly. “Do you like him?”
I shrugged, when I should have said just said no.
“Awwwww!” Efia said.
“Awwwww!” Ben said.
I chewed my lip a bit. “Can I … go on … spacehopper?”
Ben slid off it and rolled it over to me. “Knock yourself out. Not literally. You’ve had enough of that for one day.”
I squatted down on top of it, grasping the rubber horns in my hands. Had a little bounce. Yep, it was still fun.
“Take her out for a spin if you like,” Ben said.
I did like. To be clear, I wouldn’t normally bounce around someone’s garden on an inflatable toy designed for five-year-olds, but it was maybe the concussion. Or the vodka. To this day, we can’t really be sure, and that’s the story I’m sticking with.
I zoomed off, straight down the lawn. It was kind of like … flying … big leaps … through the night air… Please don’t think me lame, but it was weirdly exhilarating. I think it was maybe because it was quite dark, so I couldn’t see that well. I can’t cope with roller coasters, or pretty much any ride that spins you about at fairgrounds, so I think I have a low excitement threshold. And this was exciting. I think I was squealing. Artoo Dogtoo was running alongside me, jumping up in the air with every one of my bounces and barking in delight. I could hear Ben and Efia laughing. I felt like every teenager in every Hollywood movie who had ever had the best time of their lives.
“I’m the KING OF THE WORLD!” I shouted as I glided through the air, hitting the ground then ricocheting back up again. “I FEEL INFINITE!”
And I did! I felt infinite!
And then I suddenly felt very wet.
And I was in the fish pond.
Just sort of stunned and in the pond.
How did I even…
I started giggling.
And I don’t really remember what happened after that, but I’m pretty sure there was a big fish floating next to me, and I think I’d killed it.
CHAPTER EIGHT
I woke up in my own bed – fully naked – and I didn’t want to think about how that happened. I stared up at the ceiling, wondering quite how I managed to suddenly get so drunk. One moment, I seemed fine, the next I remember feeling a bit less miserable than usual … and the next thing, I’m sitting in a pond next to a dead fish.
I wondered if Ben would forgive me about the fish.
I wondered if I’d said a load of stupid stuff and my new friends now thought I was awful.
I wondered if I should just email Wonderland and say I was very sorry, but I knew I’d ruined everything and for everyone’s benefit I would never darken their doors again.
I had a shower and a think.
The house was thankfully empty.
Had some Coco Pops.
Found my clothes from last night draped over a clothes horse in the garden, drying in the already blisteringly hot sun.
Found a note from Kendra: Your father and I will be having a chat with you later.
Decided to brave Wonderland after all.
I made an excellent first impression by arriving over an hour late, and despite being determined to find Ben and Efia, was immediately collared by the vampire-esque girl who had been manning the e
ntrance to the Museum of Curiosities the day before. She introduced herself as “Eve” and I’m pretty sure she said she was a Wiccan, unless, in my slightly hungover state, I hadn’t realized that was actually her last name. Eve had been charged with running my “orientation session”, which involved us drifting around the deserted interior of Wonderland, whilst she languidly gestured towards the odd fire exit and complained about how there was never any nut milk in the staffroom fridge, only “bovine mammary secretions” which made me come this close to puking. She handed me a duster, can of lemon Pledge, and my uniform of a bright yellow polo shirt with the Wonderland mascot embroidered on the left breast – a pink flamingo with a top hat and cane – and I was all ready for my first day of gainful employment. My first task was wiping down all the machines, which quickly became smeared with fingerprints and general grease. Before she floated away, Eve offered to do the tarot for me later, flagging up the possibility of a “sacrificial offering” if it turned out the cards weren’t in my favour. Let’s just say I was pretty confident I would be killing goats and hanging chickens upside down by closing time.
Left to my own devices, I was torn between trying to find Ben and Efia, and actually doing the job I was being paid for. “Be mature,” I told myself as I lifted the can of lemon Pledge towards the steering wheel of one of the driving simulators, “this is work time now.” But then I caught sight of Efia coming out of the staffroom, so dashed over to her instead.
“I’m really sorry and I totally understand if you don’t want to speak to me again.” I sighed and gave Efia a nod. “If it’s best, I’ll go.”
“Mate, it’s fine.”
I stared at her.
“It’s all good,” she added.
I swallowed. “Can you … is there anything specific that I did that was awful? Besides the fish. I remember the fish.”
“Aaah, yeeeah,” she said, with a slight grimace.
“Does Ben hate me? Where is Ben? Was the fish his? Did I get him in trouble?”
“Talk to Ben,” she told me. “He’s cleaning the Mirror Maze. I gotta go.”
“But—”
“But, mate, seriously, you were just enjoying yourself.”
Enjoying myself? Now I really was worried. That sounded distinctly out of character.
Efia hurried off towards the Museum of Curiosities. I wanted to talk to Ben, but I also couldn’t face it. Why had Efia been so vague? “Talk to Ben.” What was so bad that she couldn’t tell me herself?
So, I just put it all off instead and buried myself in my work, like that would somehow make the whole thing not real. I’d just finished wiping the Perspex windows on one of the Penny Falls machines (this was one for high rollers – it had ten-pence pieces in it – way out of my reach), when this kid, probably around thirteen or fourteen, came right up and put his entire, greasy hand right on to the glass. His skin was a sickly pale white, like he’d never been out in daylight, and the combination of trackie bottoms, a stud in his ear, and tired, red and swollen eyes, made me super-wary of him. He moved around the machine, casing which slot he was going to use, and then put his other hand on another bit of glass. So now there were two greasy handprints smeared on the machine. And then he looked at me.
And then he licked the machine with his tongue.
And then he looked at me again, a look that said, What you gonna do about it?
I pretended I hadn’t seen, even though I was looking right at him in utter disgust, and just sniffed, turned and walked over to Drake, who was this lanky guy in his mid-twenties, who was permanent staff, and in charge of the prize booth where you could exchange your golden tickets. The booth was an Aladdin’s cave of treasures: stuffed toys of all sizes, bags of sweets and chocolate, and at the higher end of the scale, even mobile phones and PlayStations – not that I’d ever seen anyone walk out with one of them. Drake’s gaunt appearance, greasy shoulder-length hair and general air of despair was somewhat, in my humble opinion, at odds with the magic of the prize booth, but I was a newbie, and I knew to keep my mouth shut.
“That kid just licked the machine,” I said to Drake, hoping that maybe he would sort it out. If I told the kid off, he’d probably just see it as a challenge, and relish licking everything in the entire place, and that would be me, wiping lick off the machines for the rest of eternity.
Drake stared at me for about ten seconds, expressionless. “Do you want any weed?” he finally said.
I blinked at him.
He raised his eyebrows. “No?”
“Um … no. Thanks,” I said.
He nodded, took a slurp of his tea, and emptied a bag of coins into his palm. I watched as he placed each one individually into the slot in his coin tray. “Post’s here,” he said, when he finally glanced up.
I turned to see the postman hovering over by the row of mechanical grabber machines and headed over to take the little pile of envelopes from him, ignoring the kid by the Penny Falls, who had swung his leg up on to the machine when he saw me, and had started to hump it. I started tearing open the letters, just like Ben and Efia had told me. The first was just some marketing material about discounted office supplies, and the second was an overdue electricity bill, which I knew I was to “file”. But it was the third one that concerned me. It was a blank sheet of A4, one line of typing:
TIMES UP WONDERLAND
I mean, it was all in caps, the sure sign of a lunatic, but still, this type of letter had not been mentioned to me – did I take it to Maggie, or not?
I would have asked Efia, but she was busy in the Museum of Curiosities, so I’d have to brace myself and ask Ben. But I’d have to find Ben first, since he was inconveniently still somewhere in the Mirror Maze. Meanwhile, the kid was now slamming his hands against the window of the coin pusher machine, trying to dislodge the cash, so I pointed to the little sign that was taped on to one of the panels. “What does that say?” I asked.
The kid looked at me, blankly. “Dunno. Can’t read.”
I locked eyes with him. He seemed genuine. “OK,” I said. I mean, if he can’t read, he can’t read. “This machine is alarmed. Please don’t rock it,” I told him.
The kid nodded.
I nodded back. We had an understanding. I turned to walk away.
The kid started slamming the machine again.
I took a deep breath, but I wasn’t sure what else to do about it, so I just pretended like I hadn’t noticed, walked around the “Cleaning in Progress” sign outside the Mirror Maze, and pushed my way in. The maze is essentially a series of boxed sections, some of which have mirrors as sides, some that have clear Perspex, and some that are actually doors that swing open into the next part. At the centre, there’s a totally crazy “free-form” section where you literally have five of you staring back at yourself. It’s probably the best-value attraction at Wonderland, because it’s a quid to get in, but can often be half an hour to get out again.
“Um – Ben?” I called out.
“Yeah?”
“It’s me … Alex?”
“Yeah?”
Oh god, he’d gone monosyllabic, he hated me.
“Um … sorry about the fish.”
Silence. Then: “No worries.”
Oh god, maybe it was precious. Some of those things are worth a lot of money, I think.
“Um – Ben?”
“Yeah?”
“Where are you?”
There was a pause, and then: “Over towards the left.”
“My left?”
“If you’re facing forward having just walked in, yeah.”
I’d done the maze twice, but I couldn’t remember it well enough to know the route. The panel in front of me pushed open, so I walked into the next section, where I smacked straight into a clear Perspex wall. “Ow!”
“Careful!” Ben shouted.
“Do I… Which way is it?” I asked.
“Which bit are you in?”
I mean, the bit with mirrors – how should I know?! Left was a fix
ed mirror, so I was more than happy to ignore my sorry, grim-looking hungover reflection and head right, which was a mirror door. Into the next section, and I soon hit my stride, keeping my hands out in front of me to feel for the see-through panels, pushing through mirrors, and generally working my way over to the left-hand side of the maze.
“I’m waving at you!” he called out.
I did a one-eighty turn, and there he was, a few sections away, reflected in one of the angled mirrors, giving me a dopey wave and a dimpled grin. Bloody hell.
“How do I—”
“Should be a door to your right, I think!” he said. “No, not that right, the other right!”
“You mean the left?”
“Argh, I don’t know, I don’t know what’s real any more in here!” He collapsed in laughter. “This place messes with your head!”
I tried my left, which opened into a new section, with an angled mirror I could walk around. Ben was seemingly in front of me, but I knew better than to dart forward … and I was right. He pressed his nose up against the clear panel and made a mournful little puppy dog face, while he gently pawed at the glass. I one hundred per cent put all the cuteness of that out of my mind and pressed on, opening the mirror door on my left, then forward, then a right turn and—
“Yay!” Ben said, putting his hand up for a high five.
I half-heartedly slapped his hand. “Hi.”
“Hello.”
We were practically nose-to-nose in the small, metre-cubed section. He was looking right at me, but I couldn’t look back. Plus, if I’d known I was going to be standing this close to him, I would have popped a mint. I bowed my head, so I didn’t have to look or breathe at him. “About the fish—” I began.
“Alex—”
“I’m really … spectacularly sorry though.”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “It’s fine.”
I glanced up at him and he smiled, as if to confirm he wasn’t lying about that. “What happened after?” I asked.
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