“What film?” Efia said.
“Um … Alien?”
“Huh,” Efia said. “So, our hand will be disguised in some way?”
“Yeah, as, like, a mini living alien creature. You can do a lot with latex,” Ben said. “Punter screams, job done!”
“I think this is great,” I said.
“So, we’re using a child-sized mannequin for the alien,” Efia said, “but what about the intestines? They’ll need to look fairly real for this to work.”
Ben grinned. “Over to Alex.”
“Oh, yes, OK,” I said. “So, last year, we did this play at school – well, I didn’t, I don’t like things like that, but some other kids did – and anyway, there was this scene where a character has to hold up some bloody animal intestines.”
“What sort of school do you go to?” Efia frowned.
“Well, it is classed as ‘failing’,” I said. “And there were a lot of complaints about the play, which was a bit unfair because Ms Rowland really tried but—”
“Alex?” Ben said. “Tick-tock.”
“Oh, right, sure. Well, guess what they used instead of real intestines?”
Efia looked blank.
“Condoms!” I said. “It turns out, condoms filled with a mixture of flour, water and red food colouring, then tied up, are really similar in look and texture to intestines. Sort of.”
“How anyone would ever find that out is beyond me,” Efia sighed. “So, we go condom shopping, then?”
“No need!” Ben beamed. “It turns out Alex has forty-eight in stock!”
Efia turned to me, eyes wide.
“They’re not really ‘in stock’,” I said. “I don’t … I don’t maintain a ‘stock’ of condoms, I…” I swallowed and opened my rucksack, pulling a couple of packets out. “Huh, these ones are flavoured, for example.”
“Oral sex.” Ben nodded.
“Was that an offer? Should I leave?” Efia asked.
I pretended to be very busy putting the condoms away again.
Efia, however, was clearly absolutely loving all this. “So, let me fully understand this,” she said. “I am making no judgement here, Alex, none at all, in fact, good for you, it’s just, I’m sorry, I’ve only known you a short time, but you didn’t strike me as being quite so …”
I waited in horror for her final choice of words.
“… vivacious.”
I shook my head. “Oh, no, I’m not. Definitely not. If anything, I’m probably more listless, I think. Not through choice particularly, more bad luck and maybe genetics, I don’t know.”
“We’ve had this chat; he bought them by accident,” Ben said.
Efia raised her eyebrows and looked highly doubtful.
She heaved herself to her feet. “Right, I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to get us a child-sized mannequin; you two can stay here and start work on the intestines. Man, that’s a sentence I thought I’d never say.”
And she walked out of the door.
I set to work mixing the flour, water and food colouring in a bucket, leaving Ben to start opening the packets of condoms, which I thought was the safest way to split the work. No way did I want to fumble around with those little packets, tearing them open all wrong and revealing the full extent of my sexual inexperience. We had to put a condom on a dildo thing in a sex ed class once, and not only did all the lube make it slide out of my nervous-virgin hands, I then split it and put it on inside out.
“What do you make of that Billy kid being in the office?” Ben said as he casually and confidently plucked a foil packet from the first box and tore it open.
I stared at Ben’s hands as he gently slid the condom out. My god, he’d definitely done that before.
“Alex?”
“Huh?” I looked up at him.
“The kid in the office?” Ben said again. “Like, what was he doing? Do you reckon he could be the one sending the notes?”
“The kid can’t read; it seems unlikely,” I said. “But if it was him, if he got someone to help him or something, then I guess it was just kids messing about. He said we owed him something; maybe he’s just pissed off at how much money he’s lost here.”
Ben nodded. “Maybe.” He rolled the condom out to its full length, ready for the flour mix, and plucked another packet from the box, tearing it open just as smoothly and perfectly as the first. I tried to focus on getting the mix in the bucket right, but all I could think about now was Ben and condoms.
“Let’s try this,” I said, giving the bucket a final stir. “See if the consistency is right.”
“Righto,” Ben said, picking up a condom and stretching it open.
I swallowed and scooped up a small amount of the filling, dropping it down into the condom.
Ben chuckled. “This is pretty weird, isn’t it?”
“Huh. Yeah.”
I dropped another spoonful in, and Ben smoothed it down to the bottom. “I think this is good,” he said, stroking and coaxing the filling downwards.
“Yeah,” I croaked.
“Bit like making sausages, or something.”
“Yeah.”
“How big should we make it?”
I looked at him, feeling a little light-headed at this point.
“Like, how thick and how long?” he said.
I think I may have just been staring at the condom he was holding, my mouth sort of open a little. “Perhaps…” I held my hands out vertically, making a vague measurement. “This sort of length?”
“About seven inches?”
“I mean” – I swallowed – “we don’t want it to burst.”
“We do not,” Ben agreed. “Then we’d have flour babies!”
I emitted some sort of nervous giggle that honestly sounded like I was about four years old and someone had just said “underpants”.
My hands shaking slightly, I set back to work filling the condom, which Ben then expertly and swiftly tied off, dropped next to him, and picked up another to fill.
“Hey, Alex?” Ben said, as he tied off condom number four. “I was just thinking, you know what you said to Efia? About being ‘listless’ or whatever?”
I couldn’t look at him. “Sure,” I muttered, stirring the contents of the bucket.
“Well, I don’t think you should feel bad about it. Like, I’m not saying you do feel bad necessarily, but all I’m saying is, if you haven’t had sex yet, that’s cool, I think.”
Oh my god, now I had “virgin” marker-penned on my forehead. I was so glad it was so obvious.
“I haven’t had sex,” he said.
Now I did look up at him.
He smiled and shrugged. “I haven’t though.”
“What about Bella?”
He shook his head.
I wanted to ask, “Well how come you are so good at handling condoms then?” but thought better of it just in time.
“Not everything has to be about sex,” he added. “I mean, I want to, one day, with someone, and I do think about it …”
I looked at him again.
“… quite a lot,” he smirked.
I laughed. “Yeah.”
“Hey, I just think sometimes people build up the virginity thing into this huge issue, and it shouldn’t be, that’s all, so don’t be sitting there thinking you’re some sort of—”
“Sexual nuclear winter?”
“You’re definitely not that,” Ben said.
I smiled, because he sounded pretty confident about that, and I thought that was sweet, if misguided.
“I’ve never even kissed anyone though,” I said.
And then I dropped my eyes again, because I should probably not have said that. There’s failure, and there’s failure, after all.
“Kissing’s nice,” Ben said.
I looked at him, and he smiled.
“Would you like to kiss Caleb?” he said quietly.
No, you stupid dork, I want to kiss you. “Maybe.” I shrugged.
He pressed his lips t
ogether and nodded. “Then we gotta see if we can make that happen.”
I released a sigh that was way heavier than I meant it to be. “Sure,” I said.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I think the only reason I was going along with the whole Caleb thing was because Ben was suggesting it, and I’d dangerously reached the point where my devotion to him was such that I would have pretty much jumped off a cliff, had he wanted me to. So that’s how I found myself approaching the big lemon again that lunchtime, with strict instructions to strike up a conversation and see if I could suss out if I was in with a chance with him.
“Hi, hello,” I said, arriving at the counter.
“Hey, Alex,” Caleb smiled. “Here for your daily dose of lemonade?”
I nodded. Despite Kendra’s claim that you could train yourself into liking anything if you have it enough times, I wasn’t any more enamoured with lemonade than when I started. Nevertheless, I maintained the lie, because lies are a great basis for any relationship.
“Nice day,” I said. I had the best small talk.
He paused and looked at me. “Summer, I guess.”
“Yeeeeeaaah.”
Caleb turned his back to fix my lemonade, and it was then that this tall black guy sauntered up to the stand, dressed in a cream linen suit, with a pale blue, open-necked shirt and a matching pale blue handkerchief in the breast pocket. “Afternoon, gentlemen,” he said. And I’m sorry, but I have to take a moment to recognize that this was the first time I’d ever been called a “gentleman” so this was a real rite of passage for me, you know? “How’s business?” he continued.
Being British, I think it’s genetically ingrained in me to immediately crumble and be completely subservient to anyone of an obviously higher social class than me, but Caleb was having none of it. He turned and looked the guy up and down, unimpressed. “Who are you?” Caleb said.
The man smiled. “Tyler Phillips. I run a business networking group for Newsands – just checking in with some of the traders to see how the season’s going.” He extended his hand towards Caleb, who shook it.
“Business is OK,” Caleb sniffed.
“Excellent!” Tyler beamed. He turned to me, clocking the logo on my polo shirt. “Ah! Wonderland! How is the old place?”
I nodded. “Fine, sir.”
Tyler winced. “Please don’t call me ‘sir’. Tyler’s fine.” He smiled warmly at me. “Summer job, is it?”
“Yes, si—I mean, yes, Mr Tyler, Tyler, just Tyler. Yes it is.” I cleared my throat. “Actually, we’re doing a bit of a relaunch.”
Tyler’s eyes lit up. “Now that is music to my ears! That’s what we need more of round here – forward thinking, improvements, striving to make Newsands better!” He leaned towards me. “I like it!”
I nodded.
Tyler turned back to Caleb. “I’ll take a lemonade, if I may?”
Caleb poured him a cup. “Three pounds then, please.”
I nearly whistled. I had no idea that’s how much the lemonade normally cost. Who was buying it at that price? Tyler handed him a fiver without flinching though. “Keep the change,” he said.
“Cheers,” Caleb smiled.
“And if you need any help with the relaunch,” Tyler said, turning back to me, “get in touch. Marketing, a bit of promotion, or just some advice – whatever you need.” He handed me a little printed card with his details on it. “You can reach me here.”
“OK, thanks for your kindness,” I said.
Tyler smiled and sauntered off, turning back briefly after he’d taken a sip of the lemonade. “Mmm! Delicious!” he beamed.
Caleb gave him a thumbs up.
“He seems nice,” I said.
Caleb smirked. “Yeah? He gave you his number, man!”
“Oh, no, I didn’t mean … he’s not my type,” I said. “Not that … I mean, it’s just he’s a bit old for me, that’s all, he is my type in the sense that he’s a … he’s a he, if you know what I mean?” I swallowed. This was the moment. The moment I laid my sexuality cards on the table for Caleb and he would maybe do the same for me.
But Caleb just nodded. Silence. Terrible silence. Maybe I hadn’t been clear?
“I’m gay,” I said.
“Alex—”
I cut him off and ploughed on, because of course I did. “Yeah, I’m all about the boys. The booooooys. All about the—” Where was I going with this? I needed to stop. Right now. “All about the … um … when I said ‘all about the boys’ I didn’t mean … that’s not all I think about or anything. Like, there are more facets to my personality than that … it’s not all boys, boys, boys … in fact, hardly ever … well, never, to be fully accurate, it was just a figure of speech. Which I regret.” I blew out a breath. “But I am—”
“Gay,” Caleb said.
I nodded. “Yup.”
Caleb smiled right through the awkward pause that would have been his cue to say “Me too!”
“I’ll go now. I’m sorry about the—thanks for the—” I turned and nearly collided with an old woman and her walking frame. “Arse, sorry I—” I gave Caleb a thumbs up. “Bye then!” I turned to the old lady. “Sorry, miss.”
And hurried back along the front to where Efia and Ben were waiting on our bench.
“Never again,” I said. “That’s it, no more. I’ve made a total dick of myself. Let’s just accept this is never going to happen. I don’t even think I want it to any more anyway. Maybe I never did. The end.”
“What went wrong?” Efia asked. “You can tell Auntie Efia.”
I scowled at her. But also her gentle tone was comforting. “I was put off my stride by the guy who spoke to us.”
Efia’s eyes lit up. “We saw the guy! Was he deeply attractive? Were you mesmerized by his beauty and—”
“No! He’s not, and I wasn’t—He gave me his card.”
“You are on fire!”
“He’s just some local business club guy, and he offered to help with advice about the relaunch, if we wanted any.”
“Look at you!” Efia said. “Networking, making contacts—”
“Getting guys’ numbers!” Ben added.
They were both so enthusiastic about me finding love this summer, it was ridiculous. “It led to an increasingly awkward conversation with Caleb which resulted in me talking too much. But it’s all over now. Finito.”
“You give up too easily, mate,” Efia said, shaking her head.
“I said, the end. I actually don’t care. I don’t care if I’m never touched by another human being, I can’t talk to people, I’m a total liability. Being single’s fine. I’m better alone.” I flopped down on the bench.
“Maybe we’re thinking about this all wrong,” Ben said. “You’re going to Caleb, but maybe we need to make Caleb come to you.”
“Does anyone want this lemonade?” I said. “I don’t even like it.”
“Interesting suggestion, Benjamin,” Efia said, accepting the drink and taking a big sip. “Elaborate.”
I dug around in my rucksack. “Got ham sandwiches today, what about you guys?”
“We need to make Alex like a lighthouse,” Ben said, simply continuing like I wasn’t there, “shining his charismatic beam for all to see, guiding the straying ships safely into his port.”
I nearly choked on the first bite of my sandwich. “No one is going to be guided anywhere, least of all my ‘port’, I mean, did you actually just say that? Seriously, I’m over it.”
“A makeover!” Efia said. “Like Sandy in Grease when she gets that leather jacket and goes all bad girl.”
“Right!” said Ben.
“Wrong!” I said. “And lighthouses may have beams, but they also tend to be solitary figures in the wilderness, surrounded by crashing waves and storms, which, you know, is where this whole analogy should really be going.”
Ben laughed and ruffled my hair. “You’re so funny, Alex. It’s adorable.”
Ohhhh, he’d called me “adorable”. Code red,
code red! Chances of Boy Action raised to DEFCON 4 – above normal readiness, but no need to panic.
“Aww, you should have seen the way Alex’s eyes lit up when you said that!” Efia said. “Too. Cute.”
I shook my head at Ben. “No, they didn’t. Nothing lit up, I’m totally dead inside. Also, I really didn’t like it in Grease when Sandy had that makeover. I actually cried.”
Efia laughed. “You cried?”
“I really liked her before.” I shrugged. “Pretty. And sort of … safe. She didn’t scare me like the others did – like that Rizzo. I didn’t like her.”
“Rizzo’s a complicated mess, that’s why she’s so great,” Efia said. She turned to Ben and grinned. “How’s Bella?”
Ben screwed his face up. “How’d you get from Rizzo to Bella?”
“Fictional girls, obvs.”
Ben held his sides in mock laughter. “Amusing. Please tell me you’re planning on doing a stand-up comedy course at uni.”
“That’s not a course,” Efia said.
“I bet it is somewhere,” Ben replied.
I cracked open a can of Coke, my smile soon fading as I glanced up the promenade and saw who was strolling towards us: Carl Hudson, with his horrible beast of a dog that still wasn’t on a lead. He saw me, smiled, and raised his hand. “Very sorry about the other day, son! You shoulda stayed still, I did tell ya!”
I flicked my eyes away.
He stopped just next to our bench, the dog sniffing around our feet. “He’s never done anything like that before, I promise. Weren’t hurt, were you?” I looked up at him again, and he gave me gentle, hopeful sort of smile that looked pretty genuine.
“I’m OK,” I muttered.
Carl nodded. “If I can make it up to you…? You kids are welcome down the pier any time – have a few rides on me, or some beers.”
“We’re not old enough to drink, Carl,” Efia said.
He looked surprised. “Oh. Well, some Slush Puppie, then.”
There was the sound of trickling water, and we all looked down to where the dog had cocked his leg and was peeing on Ben’s trainer.
Ben was open-mouthed, probably caught between horror, disgust and his abject terror of the multi-fanged beast.
“Oh, Tyson! No! Bad dog!” Carl said. He glanced at us, embarrassed. “It’ll wash off. It’s only pee.”
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