Nice to see some people having fun, I’m sure.
“Cheer up, mate,” she said, handing me a takeaway cappuccino. “And, yes, I did put three sugars in it. You should really cut down, you know?”
“I feel like wrecking myself anyway,” I muttered.
Efia laughed. “And you’re doing it with over-sugared coffee? You’re such a bad boy.”
I flopped down next to her on the bench, and showed her the text Ben had just sent me:
Tell Maggie I’ll be late – didn’t get much sleep last night. x
Efia blew a breath out.
“Exactly!” I said. “Talk about rubbing it in. Also, why the thumbs up emoji? Are we going to be celebrating him losing his virginity all day?”
“How do you know he—”
“He told me,” I said, before realizing he probably told me that in confidence. I took a sip of coffee. “Let’s talk about something else.”
“It doesn’t mean he had sex necessarily,” Efia said, totally ignoring me because that’s what people do. “Like, maybe he was up all night with indigestion, after your pizza?”
“And the thumbs up emoji?”
“Is sarcastic.”
I shook my head. “Let’s talk about something else.”
There was an excited scream from the kids on the inflatable banana as the speedboat guy took a sharp turn and flipped them all into the water. If I could swim, I would so be in there right now.
“We need to think about who might hold a grudge against Wonderland,” Efia said. “That seems like a sensible place to start. Who would want to cause trouble for the place?”
“I mean, have I just been imagining that he maybe liked me? Did I get it completely wrong?” I turned to her. “Efia?”
“Hand on heart, I did think he liked you.”
“Yeah?”
“Just the way he acts around you sometimes. I got romance vibes. But maybe I’m wrong.”
“Huh.”
I wanted to tell her about him resting his forehead against mine, outside the restaurant, but I knew I shouldn’t. That was a private moment, just me and him, and it wasn’t mine to share, however much it felt like it might be relevant. It was my one glimmer of hope, albeit one that was being rapidly extinguished by all his bragging about the red-hot porn-style sex he’d been having all night long. OK, I didn’t know that for sure, but what else are you going to be doing when your really nice, beautiful girlfriend who you haven’t seen for weeks suddenly comes home? Playing Jenga? That game is good, but it’s not that good.
“Let’s talk about something else,” I said.
“Don’t bottle it up, Alex.”
“I’m good at bottling things up, Efia. I’m great at it. I’ve made it my life’s work, to be honest. And there’s a water-tight seal on these emotions, you won’t ever notice.”
“Oh, right? So all this doom and gloom since you’ve arrived this morning, that’s—”
“I’m just a bit tired!” I snarled. “I didn’t get much sleep!” I gave her a thumbs up and a grimace. “What about the kids who hang about the place? What about Billy? He was actually in the office, for a start, and he’s always causing trouble.”
“But why would he tip off the local paper that kids like him are causing trouble? It makes zero sense.”
“OK then,” I said. “What about Drake?”
“I know he’s stupid, but you think he’s actually stupid enough to grass up his own weed dealing up to the press?”
“Okaaaay, what about an associate of Drake’s then?”
“What are you getting at?”
I quickly glanced up and down the promenade like this was Cold War espionage, lowered my voice, and recounted everything I heard the other day as I cowered by the wall of the alley that led to the back yard of Wonderland.
“Drake’s in trouble,” Efia said.
I nodded. “Drake’s in trouble.”
“So it’s possible someone is turning the screws to pile the pressure on? The person who supplies his weed, maybe?”
I hadn’t thought of that in all honesty, but I nodded anyway, like that was exactly what I’d been thinking.
“Good work, Alex.”
“Yes,” I said. “Thank you.”
“MORNING, CAMPERS!”
I looked up, seeing Caleb jangling his keys next to the fibreglass lemon. “Hey.” I waved to him.
“Mercury’s set to reach thirty today,” he said. “Gonna be a good day for lemonade.”
I nodded. “And associated lemon products,” I added.
“You bet!”
I didn’t know how he could be so permanently cheerful, but I was happy for him. He smiled at us, then busied himself starting to open up the lemon.
“I think he’s into you,” Efia whispered.
“He is not.”
“You have banter.”
“That wasn’t banter. It was awkward lemon-based small talk.”
Caleb flung the shutters of the lemon open from inside. “Hey, Alex?”
I looked up at him.
“Loving the Hawaiian shirt!”
My cheeks started to flush. “Thanks.”
“Oh. My. God,” Efia said, under her breath. “He’s so into you. He’s complimenting your shirt.”
“So what?” I hissed.
“Your shirt is a shitshow, and you know it. Oh my actual god.”
Efia and I braced ourselves as we hurried across the darkened gaming floor, towards the staffroom and whatever terrible Maggie mood awaited us within. We’d rehearsed a hundred things to say to calm her down, and reassure her the relaunch was still a good idea, but this was Maggie, and she was completely unpredictable.
And we hadn’t predicted this.
Maggie was standing in the middle of the staffroom, and greeted us all with a large plate of bacon butties – the best sort: crisp bacon, soft white buttered rolls, and heaps of ketchup. “Little treat for you all!” she beamed.
At first I thought it was some sort of joke.
Or maybe a trick.
I was glad for the bacon roll though. I’d been so miserable, I hadn’t been able to eat my Coco Pops that morning, but thirty minutes later, I was beyond starving, and the gloom would have to wait.
“What’s all this in aid of, Mag?” Drake said, biting down on his roll.
“In times of trouble,” Maggie said, “I’ve always refused to give in to despair. Now, we could all drag our feet around today, worry about the stupid newspaper article, and fret about the future – or we could have a good time, and get on with what we do best – creating a bit of magic so other people have a good time too.”
Drake shrugged and took another bite.
Maggie smiled at him. “Deal any more weed from the prize booth and I’ll cut your balls off.”
Drake stopped eating and stared at her.
“So!” she said, all brightness and light. “Where’s young Benjamin?”
I suddenly felt less hungry again. “Oh, he’s sorry, but he’ll be late. He didn’t get much sleep last night,” I said.
“Bella has come back,” Efia added.
“Who?”
“Bella. Ben’s girlfriend.”
Maggie’s face dropped, and she flicked her eyes to me, with this look on her face that basically said, Oh, you poor, heartbroken creature.
“I’ll get on with the cleaning,” I muttered.
“My office, now,” Maggie said.
“But—”
“Alex!”
I sighed and followed her into the office, shoving the rest of the bacon butty in my mouth. This was all I needed. I didn’t need any more advice. I didn’t need anyone trying to make me think there was any hope. Everyone was so full of it. They just all needed to admit defeat and leave me alone.
“Have you told him?” she asked.
“Told him? You mean—”
“You should tell him.”
“There’s … no. No.”
“Why not?”
&nbs
p; I put my hands in my pockets. “Because I’m fully unlucky in love, Maggie. I’m actually the unluckiest. Fact.”
“And what did I tell you about luck?”
I sighed. “Sure, you make your own, but in this case, all I’ll be making is a big awkward mess and I’ll have ruined another friendship because I can’t stop falling for straight boys.”
“What if he feels the same?”
My eyes widened. “He’s. Got. A. Girlfriend. Her. Name. Is. Bella.”
“What if he feels the same?”
I didn’t know what else to say. I flopped down on the plastic chair and put my head in my hands. “He doesn’t feel the same. He likes girls and the only indicators that he might not, or might not exclusively, have all been in my stupid head. Also, even if he was into boys, which as I say, I doubt, you really think he’d like me, specifically?”
“And your pizza date?” Maggie said.
“How did you know about that?”
“Alex, I may look like I could rarely give a damn, and granted, that is true most of the time, but I know what’s going on around Wonderland.”
“Oh. Well, pizza was just because he lost a stupid bet about you being willing to give away free soft drinks, like the Las Vegas casinos.”
Maggie snorted. “Seriously? He knew I’d say no to that. He’s only asked me three times before.”
I looked up at her while I computed this new information. “He knew he’d lose the bet?”
“Almost certainly.”
I took a deep breath. “Oh.”
“Mmm. That muddies the waters a bit, doesn’t it?” Maggie smiled, like this revelation was somehow conclusive. But I knew it wasn’t. I had the weight of history on my side:
“Boys don’t like me. Not like that. They just don’t. It’s one of the laws of the universe, like what goes up, must come down: who Alex likes will never like him back.”
“All right, boo hoo,” Maggie said, “but here’s what you need to understand, Alex: people don’t always behave how you’d like them to, or how you expect them to. Everyone’s a mess. It isn’t just you. Everyone’s trying to work it out, Alex. Everyone’s confused, at least some of the time, if not most of the time. You could do worse than cut the poor lad some slack.”
I shook my head. “Ben’s so … sorted though. He’s a sorted-out person. He has it together.”
“Does he?”
“Doesn’t he?”
Maggie shrugged. “If he’s anything like the rest of you, I’d say that’s a resounding no. But sure, you throw him to the wolves just because he hasn’t bounded up to you with his rainbow flag and whistle.”
“Oh my god.”
“Advice session over. You’re going to change that shirt, right?”
“I’m behind on laundry.”
“The uniform isn’t optional. There’s a spare polo shirt in the staffroom; you can’t wear that monstrosity, we’ll be liable for inducing epileptic fits.”
I stood up. “Maggie, Efia and I were wondering about who told the press about everything…”
She was busy looking through some papers and didn’t look up. “Uh-huh?”
“Like, do you think someone could have a grudge against us?”
“Maybe…”
“So, Efia and I were thinking about looking into some suspects, you know—”
She held her hand up. “Alex? Sort your own mess of a life out, then come and help me. We’re fine. People write crap about things all the time. TripAdvisor have built an entire business on it.”
“But—”
“Ask yourself, is it true? Are we an ‘eyesore’ on the town’s landscape?”
“No?”
Maggie nodded and got back to her papers. “Next time, try answering without intoning it like a question.”
I walked out, still mulling over this idea that Ben knew he was making a bet with me that he would lose. What did this mean? Did he just want someone to have pizza with?
“Hey.”
I looked up and straight into Ben’s eyes. Ben’s tired, slightly red eyes. Ben’s tired from all the sex eyes. He was carrying his laptop under his arm and had knee-length denim shorts on, because the universe clearly wanted to make my pain as terrible as possible. I took an unsteady breath. “Hey. How’s things?”
“Pretty tired,” Ben said. “Literally only got a couple of hours’ sleep, I reckon.” He nodded at me, like I should maybe be impressed.
I attempted an appreciative murmur. “Pretty cool.”
He waggled his eyebrows. I was pretty sure he was standing differently. Like, in a “not a virgin” sort of way. Had an extra air of confidence or swagger, I don’t know, but it was there. “Bella’s coming over in a bit.”
I nodded. Obviously that was brilliant, and by “brilliant” I meant “a complete disaster and I wished Bella would resume her travels”.
“You saw the newspaper article?” Ben continued.
“Yes, I chatted to Efia about it last night,” I said, realizing there was more than a hint of jilted lover in my voice, so adding, “I think she tried to get hold of you, but couldn’t, so that was the only reason.”
“Put my phone on silent for our little…” He looked at me, mouth frozen in what looked like he was about to say a word beginning with “D”.
“Do?” I offered.
“Dinner?”
“Yes, that’s what it was,” I said. “On silent, huh? That’s good. Good not to risk disturbing the jazz band with phone calls. I think that’s considerate.”
He blinked at me.
I thought it best to just continue babbling. “Maggie’s taking it well, doesn’t seem worried at all. Efia and I were thinking about doing a bit of detective work, maybe see if someone has it in for the place…”
Ben nodded. “Good idea.” His eyes drifted down. “Interesting shirt.”
“I know. It’s horrible. Pretty much everyone hates it.”
“Who doesn’t hate it?”
“Caleb … he was pretty positive about it. But then he’s positive about everything. I could’ve been wearing a bin bag and he’d be telling me how great it was.”
“He’s a happy boy.”
“He is. He’s a happy boy.”
Ben gave me a sad sort of smile. “I was just gonna see Maggie, but you want to help me finish off the alien afterwards?”
I did, I so did, but it was a terrible idea. Despite everything, I was already like butter being gently melted in the presence of Ben’s warmth and goddam utter cuteness. And knee-length denim shorts and dimples – together, on one person – I would explode. And like an addict who craves something bad, I knew I mustn’t give in. I had to be strong. It was for my own good. I would thank myself for it – one day. “Actually, I was going to help Eve and rehearse the fortune telling.” I nodded. Firmly. I firmly nodded because that was definitely what I was going to do.
Ben’s eyes softened into full-on sad puppy dog. “Aww, but I need help too!”
“OK, then.”
“Cool, see you in there in five minutes.”
He knocked on the office door and went inside.
God, I was so weak. He was the boy equivalent of Cherry Coke, and I was powerless to resist, even though he would probably end up rotting my insides.
Efia sidled up to me. “Have you heard of the term ‘playing hard to get’?”
“I’m not into playing games,” I told her. “Games are for the school playground.” This was probably the most intelligent and wisest thing I think I’ve ever said.
“It’s not a game, it’s psychology. People always want what they can’t have, or what they think other people want.”
I shrugged. “He can have me if he wants me; he doesn’t, but he can. And no one else wants me, I’m pretty sure of that.”
“Jesus,” Efia said. “That’s the problem, right there. This …” She looked me up and down. “… constant downer you’ve got on yourself. You’re like that mule from Winnie the Pooh.”
; “He’s a donkey!” I couldn’t believe the disrespect. “And there’s nothing wrong with Eeyore.”
“‘Eeyore’, huh? Role model, is he?”
I shrugged. “I may have had a poster of him when I was younger. Perhaps a stuffed toy too.”
She dragged me away from the office and over to the stools by the fruit machines, forcing me down on one, next to where Kem was playing. “Listen up. If a boy requests your presence, you don’t just roll over and let him tickle your belly.”
That sounded perfectly fine to this boy.
“He has to work for it. Play the game, Alex.”
“But I don’t know the rules!” I bleated.
“She’s talking sense!” Kem said, not looking at me, but focusing on the machine.
“Precisely,” Efia said. “I am going to be your wingman. Wingwoman. Your kick-ass caped love-crusader. And this … Bella, whoever she is, is not going to stop us.”
She looked into my eyes, then followed my gaze as I looked over towards the entrance, where Bella had just walked in, looking all radiant and graceful and like she’d just stepped out of a woodland glade, with pretty birds still fluttering around her head, chirping sweetly.
Efia looked back at me. “Is that Bella?”
I nodded.
“Damn.”
Exactly. If this was a competition, I wasn’t even going to make it through the heats.
“Any danger of you two doing any work today?” Drake said, as he walked by.
“That’s a nasty bruised eye you’ve got there,” Efia said.
Drake stopped and looked at her.
“How’d ya do it, Drake?” she said.
You could see the cogs in his head turning, then he sniffed and said, “Knocked over someone’s pint in Wetherspoon’s and they clobbered me.” He turned and headed over towards the cash booth.
Alex in Wonderland Page 15