by Beth Miller
‘Lame one, Mum,’ Leah says, ‘the Grandma defence.’
‘That’s the last time I help get rid of your suitors,’ I say, knowing how wildly annoyed this will make her.
‘Oh shut up, he isn’t, OK? He’s only a mate, not even that, he’s boring.’
‘I think he’s cute,’ I say.
Leah gets her phone out. ‘I’m going to ring Uncle Dov.’
‘He won’t answer the phone, Leah, it’s Shabbos.’
‘I’ll leave a message,’ she says, and too late, Alex and I realise that she is doing it in front of us on purpose. ‘Hi, it’s Leah. Just wanted to see if I could come to your shul with you, please. Thanks! Bye!’
She throws us what can only be described as a defiant look, twirls on her heel and stomps upstairs.
‘Terrific,’ Alex says.
‘I was hoping she might go out somewhere with Ethan, get a bit of a different perspective,’ I say.
‘Well, you killed that one straight away,’ Alex says, ignoring the fact that I was doing what she clearly wanted. ‘Think I’ll go to the gym.’
‘I don’t know why you’re cross with me. I haven’t done anything wrong,’ I say. ‘I know I shouldn’t have kept the photo…’
‘…and you certainly shouldn’t have left it where Leah could find it.’
‘No, but it isn’t a capital offence, you know?’
‘She’s at the perfect age to have an identity crisis, and you know what she’s like.’ He means that she’s your classic only-child drama queen. ‘She’ll be making it all much bigger in her head than it is.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I’m really sorry. Look, this won’t last. She’ll go to shul with Dov, she’ll be bored, she’ll move on to the next thing. I invited Ethan back round tomorrow.’
‘OK.’ He stands up, and goes to the door.
I follow him, put my hand on his arm. ‘Don’t freeze me out, Al.’
‘I’m not. I just want to go to the gym.’ He gives me a perfunctory hug, and goes out. I start clearing the lunch things away. We need a little space from each other, that’s all. I’m sure it will be fine.
Six
December 1999
I arranged to meet Alex at Seven Sisters station at eleven, a few hours before the wedding. I planned to leave a note in my room and quietly slip out. I deliberately didn’t allow myself to think about how everyone would feel. I just knew that I needed to be with Alex, and everything else was going to have to be a very distant second. But I couldn’t get a minute to myself to even pack, let alone get out of the house. Either my mum was in my room, or Nathan’s mum, or it was one of my sisters fussing around me. Every time I sent one of them away to get me something, another one came in. It was as if they somehow sensed that if they left me alone for a minute, I would change my mind.
It was almost midday before there was a gap between visitors. I sneaked the phone out of my wardrobe and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the bath and rang Alex’s number. I could see that he had rung a number of times, and left several messages. He picked up straight away.
‘Oh thank god,’ he said. ‘I thought you’d died.’
I laughed, all the pent-up tension from the morning coming out in one blast.
My mother knocked on the door. ‘Aliza, are you all right?’
‘Yes, Mum,’ I called out. ‘Just, er, laughing.’
I could hear her telling someone that getting married turned even the most sensible girl into a meshuggener. Someone, I don’t know who, said that I had a head start there. I couldn’t hear what Mum said in reply, and I wasn’t sure if they’d gone or were hovering outside the door.
‘Do you still want to?’ I whispered.
‘Of course,’ he said. ‘Do you still want to?’
‘Yes, but no one’s left me alone for a minute. I haven’t been able to pack or anything.’
‘Shall I come and get you?’
‘No!’
‘I think I should. In case of any trouble.’ There was a pause. ‘I can be there quickly, I’m actually already at the station.’
‘Well, OK, but hang back then. Don’t talk to anyone.’ For the first time, I told him where I lived.
I came hesitantly out of the bathroom, but there was no one there. I could hear everyone talking and bustling about downstairs. I ran into my room, which, thank Ha-Shem, was empty, and took a few minutes to throw some essential things into a bag. I left a note for Becca and Gila, took one last look round, then slipped downstairs. I glanced at the annex door, behind which I knew Zaida would be sitting, waiting with great anticipation for my wedding. He wouldn’t be able to come out until Uri and Joel went to get him, he was too frail now to walk far without support. He wouldn’t have to see whatever was going to come next. I took a breath, grabbed my coat and stepped out of the front door.
All the men were standing in the front garden, smoking and talking. I could see Alex, about fifty yards down the road, sitting at a bus shelter, pretending to be a passer-by. My heart swelled at the sight of him. He’s really here! This is really going to happen.
He raised his arm but stayed where he was. Showing me he was there, but waiting for me to give the word. I think that might have been the moment when I knew for definite just how much I loved him.
My brothers and their friends swarmed round me, teasing, asking questions. ‘What are you doing out here in your coat?’ ‘What’s in the bag?’ ‘Where are you going?’ ‘Have you forgotten you’ve got an important appointment today?’ ‘Are you off to get Nathan a wedding ring?’
Nathan was there, of course, but he held back a little, stood quietly at the edge of the group. I looked at him, and he smiled shyly at me. The poor man. What I was about to do to him was terrible, and he had done nothing at all to deserve it. I had one thought in my head, which was to act quickly, a quick sharp pain being better than a long, lingering one. I reached out my hand towards him, gestured for him to move closer. My brothers started whooping and catcalling, egging him on to kiss me.
I said, ‘Nathan, I am so sorry,’ and those few simple words were like a bomb going off. The hubbub ceased instantly, leaving in its place a shattering silence. The men all stepped away from me, as if I was contaminated, and the children on the pavement stopped playing.
In the centre of the stillness, I looked across the road at Alex, and every head turned to where I was looking. Alex stood up.
My mother came out from the house. I don’t know if someone had run to get her, or if her instincts had alerted her to the change in atmosphere. She put her arms round me, a dishtowel clutched in her hand. I couldn’t tell if it was an embrace, or a restraint.
Then, as Alex said later, it all kicked off. Everyone who’d been inside the house came pouring out to see what was going on, my brothers were shouting, women were berating me, my aunt started beating my shoulder as though to knock sense into me. My father was yelling, though that wasn’t news; when did he not yell? My mother clung tight to my arm – hours later, the finger-marks were still there – and she made a terrible keening noise like ‘ay-ay-ay-ay-ay’ that I would, in the future, impersonate as comedy shorthand for ‘I left my whole family for you’. But it wasn’t funny yet.
Uri strode past me and walked purposefully across the street towards Alex. I broke away from my mother, pushed through the press of people, and ran after Uri. He and I reached Alex at the same time. Someone back at the house called Uri’s name, but he held up a hand without turning round: leave this to me.
I looked at Alex, and he looked steadily back at me.
I’m ready.
‘Do you know this man?’ Uri asked me.
‘Yes. This is Alexander Symons.’ All at once, I felt completely calm. ‘I’m going to marry him.’
Alex blinked abruptly, and I realised that he and I had never discussed marriage. Well, we were going to have to discuss it very shortly, that was all.
Uri said, ‘I’m sorry, that’s not possible.’ He turned to Alex. ‘P
lease go now. This is a family matter.’
Alex said, ‘I’ll go when Aliza tells me to.’ It was the first time he’d pronounced my name with an ‘A’. His voice was a little breathless. I left Uri’s side and stood next to Alex. Two against one.
Uri put his hands on my shoulders, the patronising older brother, though I was a good two inches taller than him. ‘Aliza. We all go a bit crazy before our weddings. I did, remember? This pretty face has got you all confused.’ He made a dismissive gesture at Alex. ‘Come, now. Come back inside. We can sort this out.’
There was no time to answer, because Gila hurtled out of the house like a rocket, screaming my name, shoving her way through the crowd of people who were standing outside the house, still and watchful as an audience at a cinema.
‘Aliza! No, no, Aliza, don’t go!’ She ran towards us. I knew she had found my note.
‘Stop her,’ called Uri, but the people outside the house seemed to have turned to stone.
I shook off Uri’s hands, and the next moment Gila was pressed hard against me, her arms tight round my waist, her tears soaking into my coat. I looked over her head at Alex and Uri, and they stared back at me. I realised they were both waiting to see what I would do.
I stroked Gila’s hair, and thought about what faced me, if I stayed. Then I thought about what faced me if I left. One was only too obvious, the other completely unknown. I looked at Alex’s anxious face, and realised that the decision had already been made, months ago, the night he kissed me.
‘I’ll see you soon, darling,’ I said to Gila. I kissed the top of her head, and hugged her fiercely. ‘Look after the little ones for me, Uri.’
Then I turned and walked down the road, fast, away from my home and family. I didn’t look back.
Alex ran to catch up with me. He took my bag, and slipped his hand in mine. ‘Are you all right, Aliza?’
I didn’t break stride. ‘Yes.’
We turned right at the end of the street, and now we were out of sight of everyone. But I heard someone running after us. Before we’d had time to decide whether to run or wait, a young man – a boy – rounded the corner. I stepped towards him, my arms held out.
Alex whispered, ‘Who’s that?’
‘Dov, my youngest brother,’ I said. Dov didn’t move nearer. He shook his head and pointed in the direction in which we were heading.
‘You’re going that way?’ he said.
I nodded. There were two ways to the station from here – left or right. We had just started out on the right. He turned on his heel and ran back the way he’d come.
I’d never thought Dov would betray me, but these were exceptional circumstances, and Dad and Uri could be very persuasive.
Alex looked at me. ‘What shall we do?’
‘Run!’ I said.
We didn’t speak again until we reached the station, clattering down the concrete steps out of breath, our legs aching. In the concourse Alex stopped, and rested his hands on his knees.
‘Aliza. Last chance to change your mind.’
‘They’ll be coming for us.’
People swirled round us, but he didn’t move. He said, ‘Your family back there. They love you.’
‘Hurry, Alex!’
‘Aliza, I need to know,’ he said, and his voice was so quiet and serious that I stopped still to listen. ‘Are you ready for this? Are you up for the journey?’
‘On the tube, do you mean?’
He smiled. ‘No. The journey you’re about to take, into another life. With me.’
‘Of course I am! Please, we have to go!’
‘One more question. Are you sure I’ll be enough for you? Just me, on my own?’
I knew he needed to hear it. ‘Yes, Alex. You are all I’ve ever wanted.’
He kissed my hand – in public! – and we hurried down the escalator to the platform, and the tube arrived seconds later, which Alex said was the most magical thing of all. We stood pressed together near the door, and gazed at each other all the way, sometimes laughing, and sometimes serious. One time I thought about Gila’s face, and I cried, and Alex took my hand, making me jump. My heart was racing, and I was frightened and excited in equal measure. I felt incredibly alive.
We got out at Brixton, and as we climbed up the steps to the exit, I said, ‘Can we get married today?’
‘Today?’ Alex stood still on the stairs and people pushed impatiently past us. ‘Wow, I don’t think so. You need to phone ahead, show documents, aren’t there banns or something?’
‘I don’t know.’ I felt tired and deflated, like a child who has stayed up too late. ‘What are we going to do?’
‘Can’t we just live together for a bit, see how it goes?’
‘Are you serious?’ I stared at him. Who was this man, and how little did he know of me? ‘Alex, I’ve tipped up my whole life for you.’
‘Christ, Aliza, I know.’
‘I have to be married.’ I felt desperate. What would convince him of how important this was? ‘I can’t be with you, I can’t have,’ I hesitated, ‘relations with you until we are married.’
That seemed to clarify things. ‘I’ll phone the register office as soon as we get home.’
Alex’s home was a two-bedroom flat which backed on to Brockwell Park. He made up the bed in his room with clean sheets for me, saying he’d sleep in the spare room. He emptied several drawers, and suggested I put my things away, though I’d hardly brought anything. Then he went into the kitchen to ring the local register office. Meanwhile, I sat on the bed and rang home on my mobile phone, the one Alex had given me. I knew they wouldn’t want to hear from me, but I also knew my mum would be horribly worried about how I was. Maybe she was; I never found out. The call lasted no more than ten seconds.
Alex came back in, singing, ‘We’re getting married in the morning.’
‘Really? Tomorrow morning?’
‘Well, no. Not long, though – in sixteen mornings. New Year’s Day! An auspicious date, don’t you think?’ Alex sat on the bed and put his arm round me, deliberately slowly so as not to make me jump. ‘Basically, they said you have to wait fifteen days after giving notice, which would mean the earliest we could marry if we give notice today is 31 December, but funnily enough they were completely booked out then.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, it’s the millennial New Year’s Eve, of course,’ Alex said.
It was the first time I’d heard that word, millennial.
‘Very popular day for weddings,’ Alex went on, ‘but brilliantly, they’d just had a cancellation for the day after, the first of January. Which I obviously accepted. It means we’d better go and give formal notice today, or tomorrow at the latest.’
‘Who cancelled? Why did they?’
‘I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, does it? It means we can get married then. They did us a favour!’
He was smiling broadly, but then he looked at me properly, and the smile dropped from his face as though a light had been turned off. ‘What’s wrong, Aliza?’
‘I can’t stay here,’ I said.
‘Really no? Do you not like the flat?’
‘It’s very nice.’
‘Is there not enough drawer space? I can clear this one too, if you like?’ Then he realised that I hadn’t unpacked at all. ‘Look, this is our house now, and your room, well, yours till we marry. You can change anything you like. Maybe you don’t like the pictures. Or the wall colour.’
‘They’re fine. But I can’t stay here with you. Us not married.’
‘Oh. OK. Does it feel a bit much? Shall I see if you can stay with my brother Kim and his wife? Let me call him.’ He was on the point of getting up, then stopped and said, ‘Or, what am I thinking! Surely it would be better if we were engaged, wouldn’t it? Let’s get engaged!’
‘Yes, that would be better, thank you.’
But then I put my head in my hands. Alex gently moved them away and smoothed the tears from my face. ‘What is it, sweetheart? Do you wish
you were still at your home?’
‘I just phoned home.’
‘What happened? What did you say?’
‘I didn’t get the chance to say anything. Soon as my father heard my voice, he yelled that I was dead to them.’
‘Jesus.’
‘He said never to go near any of them again, then he slammed the phone down.’
‘I’m so sorry, Aliza.’ He held me close.
‘It’s no more than I deserve.’
‘No, that’s horrible. No one deserves that.’
‘Alex,’ I whispered, ‘what have we done?’ But I’m not sure I said it out loud.
‘Come on,’ he said, pulling me to my feet. ‘Let’s go out. I’ll show you round the neighbourhood.’
It was good to be outside, in the air.
‘Thus begins the guided tour of your new home-town,’ Alex said, stopping outside a café. ‘The Roundhouse: this is my favourite place for coffee.’
‘What do you like about it?’
‘The coffee’s good, it’s not too expensive, and Marlene behind the counter calls me “handsome devil”.’
I laughed. ‘Do I need to worry about Marlene behind the counter?’
‘Probably, though she’s about sixty-five and her tabard is a bit of a tight fit. But man, that coffee of hers.’ We walked on. ‘Ah, now, here’s a lovely bookshop. And next door, look, the Turkish grocers. You can get some great stuff here.’
I sidestepped the overflowing fruit crates outside, and trying to keep my voice light, said ‘Where do we get our food from?’
‘Wherever you like. There’s a kosher store near the station, and we can get everything from there for as long as you want.’
I didn’t want to show him how relieved I was, but I rewarded him for his kindness with another squeeze of the hand.
A little further along, we came to a large building, painted bright shades of orange and yellow.
‘The best pub in town,’ Alex said, ‘the Prince Albert.’
‘I’ve never been in a pub.’
‘Shall we pop in now?’
‘Ohh… no. Maybe later.’