by Beth Miller
‘You assumed… I came back for you?’ The heavy weight in my stomach felt as if it had doubled in size.
‘I am such an idiot,’ he groaned, his face still hidden.
‘You aren’t.’ I put a hand on his shoulder, but he shook me off. ‘I’m the idiot. You’re a great man, a good, kind man…’
‘I’m a total fucking idiot.’
‘You are not. You will make some lucky woman very happy. But it can’t be me, Nathan, because I don’t feel as I should towards you. It wouldn’t be fair.’
‘Fair?’ He took his hands away from his face and laughed, a short bark. ‘Since when do you care about fair? You only care about yourself. Always have. You’ve always been wayward. Selfish. No sense of duty.’
I bowed my head. I deserved it.
‘That day,’ he said.
‘What day?’ I said, quietly.
‘That day. I was too early. I couldn’t sit still at home, so I went to your parents’ house. There was nothing for me to do. I stood outside with your brothers. Joel teased me about whether I’d be able to keep you in line. Do you know what I said? “I like that she has a mind of her own.” Well, that came back to haunt me pretty quickly.’
‘Nathan…’
‘When you came out of the house in your coat, I thought you were going to visit a friend, maybe Deborah, to talk about whatever women talk about the day of their wedding. I wasn’t worried at all – there were still more than three hours till the ceremony. I smiled at you, but you didn’t see me, and I realised you were looking somewhere else. At someone else.’
He seemed as if he was right back there, outside my house, watching me looking down the street at Alex.
‘Nathan, let’s not do this.’
‘I want you to know what it was like. From my point of view, I mean.’ His voice was quiet, calm. ‘I heard you say that you were sorry. Then you weren’t there any more, and your mother and little sister were screaming. I couldn’t understand what was happening. I don’t know how long it was before you walked off up the street with him. I knew I had to get away from everyone, and I started to walk away too. But I got pulled back and people were telling me you’d gone crazy, you’d been abducted, they would catch him. Dov was there, out of breath, telling everyone which way you’d gone, and several of the men went racing off after you. I tried to stop them.’
I blinked away the tears; it was his pain to feel, not mine.
‘I was surrounded by women clucking and soothing and tutting. My mother said, “She’ll be back, don’t worry. Sooner or later, she’ll be back. But she doesn’t deserve you.”’
‘Your mother was right, I didn’t deserve you.’ I knew I must sit here and listen. He needed to say this, and I needed to hear him.
‘And you did come back, and I went out on a limb for you,’ Nathan said, his voice getting louder. ‘Broke all the rules. What was it for? What was all this business with making my meals, fussing round me? Why did you do all that?’
‘I don’t know. I was trying to be helpful.’
‘Well, that worked out well. The only good thing in this is poor Moshe will never have to know what you did to me.’ Nathan spat out the word ‘did’ as though it was a curse. ‘Anyway, I don’t feel as I should towards you, either.’
We both pretended to believe him.
‘That’s fine,’ I said. ‘I just wanted to give you my answer straight away. I don’t want to mess you about.’
‘Unlike last time.’
This felt like the most honest thing he’d said to me since our encounter on the tube.
‘Nathan, If I could put the clock back, I would, and I don’t even know how far I’d turn it. I’ve ruined everything. For both of us. I’m sorry, and it’s time for me to stop behaving as if we have a chance. I think you’re a wonderful man, but if I can’t repair my marriage to Alex, I can’t be with anyone.’
‘Lucky him,’ Nathan said. His face was more sad than angry now, but it was impossible to tell if he was being ironic or not.
‘Well, I shouldn’t think he feels very lucky at the moment.’
Nathan stood up. ‘I won’t be needing you to make my breakfast any more,’ he said. He walked over to the bathroom. ‘To be honest, you make a lousy breakfast.’ The door slammed behind him.
I stayed at Deb’s as late as I decently could; she pretty much had to throw me out. I barely spoke to my family when I got in, and went straight to bed. It was a long wait before Becca and Gila were asleep, but at last I turned on my torch and opened the Re-education book. The next list was ‘sexy things’. Reading the first couple of items made me shiver, and I quickly glanced across at Becca’s bed to double-check she was asleep.
Alex and I hadn’t done everything on the list, but we’d done one double, as Alex called it: we combined ‘make love outdoors’ and ‘go out in public with no underwear on’ in one glorious night.
Brockwell Park was always a special place to us, and one sunny September evening, we made our way to a secluded part far away from the popular area near the lido. I was so nervous of being caught, but the nerves and the excitement jangled together until I could barely think straight. Alex’s hand was clammy in mine, and I knew he was wildly excited too. I brushed a hand against his jeans and felt that he was already hard. Neither of us were wearing underwear.
He grinned at me. ‘Let’s walk a little faster,’ he said, and we picked up speed, so that we were almost running. We reached a secret place we had scouted out a few days earlier, far back in a clearing of a small copse of trees. The evening light dappled through the leaves high above our heads. Alex laid out a blanket he’d brought in his rucksack, and still breathless, we kissed. As the kissing became more intense, he gently moved on top of me, stroking and kissing until I felt I was hallucinating.
‘Shit,’ he whispered, ‘I forgot the condoms.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said. We were both too far gone to care.
He pushed up my skirt and with no underclothes in the way he was immediately inside me. I was soaking down there, as wet and turned on as I had ever been. He filled me up, whispering sweet words, and the flickering light gave me the feeling of being in a dream. My arms round his neck, I pulled him closer still, further into me, as deep as he could go. His teeth gently bit my neck and that was all it took, and I came, crying out so loudly he put a hand over my mouth, for I had forgotten where I was, even who I was, far less that we were in a public place. He came straight after, with a long shuddering breath, and we lay together for what felt like hours, he still inside me. I gazed up at the canopy of leaves above us, like a sukkah, safe and enclosing.
I don’t know how long we’d been there when we heard voices. They sounded as if they were quite near.
‘Oh no,’ I whispered. Alex again put his fingers on my lips, and the echo of the earlier time he’d done that, the repeat of that unfamiliar movement, roused me. I clenched myself against his soft prick and felt it respond. I looked into his startled eyes, saw myself reflected there.
‘Yes?’ he whispered. I nodded, and he quietly raised himself on to his elbows and began moving in and out of me once again. At first I could barely feel him, just the sensation of his body against mine, then he hardened and my hips raised to hold him tightly inside. We could still hear the voices, people right outside the copse or perhaps even walking through it, but it made it even more erotic. I came again, quickly and hard, and I wouldn’t have cared if an entire coach party had turned up to watch.
As we finally lay still, and shadows began to darken our hideaway, the voices grew more distant.
‘That was fucking amazing,’ Alex said. He smoothed damp hair from my forehead. ‘Less than a year ago you were terrified of being seen with me in a café. You’ve surprised me, Eliza.’
‘I surprised myself,’ I said.
I closed the Re-education book and slipped it under my pillow. I could hear Becca and Gila’s steady breathing. I turned on to my side, and felt a tear slide down my cheek.
Thirty-One
January 2001
‘Brace yourself,’ Deborah said. ‘They’re coming!’
The waitresses stood to the side, and Deb and I followed suit as a distant babble of voices and clatter of heels signalled the imminent arrival of the guests, all doubtless more than ready to eat and drink and gossip.
Esther was first in, ahead of her guests. ‘These doors need to be kept open, Deborah,’ she said as she rustled past me in her noisy peach taffeta two-piece, a mother-of-the-bar-mitzvah-boy outfit par excellence with its matching bow the size of the catering budget on her hips. Her sheitel was an enormous pile of blonde candyfloss.
Deborah fixed the doors into place and winked at me behind Esther’s back. It was the first time since I’d returned that it really felt like us, me and Deb, versus the world. Esther nodded at me stiffly, looking rather anxious – what did she think I might do? – and bustled off to greet the guests as they began pouring into the hall. Deb and I stood to attention with the waitresses, ready to help. The waitresses didn’t need any supervision, but they kindly let Deb and me behave as if they did. Actually, they were so very much not in need of help that I suspected it was Esther’s way of keeping Deborah and me occupied. Probably Esther had told Deb to ensure I was out of the way. I didn’t mind at all, though. I was happy to have something to do. I’d got to see Ezra do his reading, and then Deb and I had left before the prayers to get to the hall and move piles of plates from one counter to another.
As the hall began to fill up, Deb and I stepped forward, offering to guide people to their seats. I got the look from several women, but I was expecting it. Then Esther and Michael’s mother came into the room in a grand entrance kind of way – make way for the grandmother!
‘Do you know where I am sitting?’ she snapped, sweeping her gaze over me in a brilliantly overdone manner. Joan Crawford came to mind.
‘I’ll show you,’ Deborah said, moving forward.
‘This one is perfectly capable of it, I’m sure,’ Mrs Shapiro said.
‘This one is, indeed,’ I said, with a smile at Deb. ‘I’ll take you to the top table.’
I started to weave my way round the people and tables, Mrs Shapiro following close behind, talking in a low voice. ‘I’m surprised to see you here, Miss Bloom.’
‘Are you?’
‘Were you invited, or are you working for the caterers?’
I carried on walking towards the top table. I didn’t want her to see my face, to know that she was rattling me. ‘Ezra is my nephew, as you know. And Esther asked me to help out.’
‘I imagine she meant for you to stay in the kitchen, though? It’s not so nice for everyone else.’
It was the first time since I got back that someone had been so rude, other than Dad, and it certainly stung. But I guess it was just what a lot of them were thinking. At least Sadie Shapiro had the nerve to say it to my face. I thought about another woman who always spoke her mind: Vicky. I decided I was going to channel her.
‘I’m sure everyone will cope with seeing me, Mrs Shapiro.’ I flicked an imaginary cigarette. ‘After all, I give them something to gossip about.’
‘You really are a silly little girl, aren’t you?’
Thank heavens, we had reached the table. I stopped so abruptly, she walked into the back of me, rather ruffling her calm. ‘Oops! Here we go, Mrs Shapiro. Your seat is right here.’
Deborah had been following us at a distance, and now she caught up and said, ‘Aliza, can you help me over here?’
Esther’s mother put a hand on my arm to stop me moving away.
Deb hissed at her, ‘Sadie, Aliza and I have things to do.’
‘Feh, Devorah,’ Mrs Shapiro said. ‘You may not know how a mother feels, though I pray one day you will. But I do, and this one here has broken her mother’s heart.’
Deb rolled her eyes, and I started to giggle.
‘Oh yes, it’s so funny. Everything’s so funny to you. Listen, bubbeleh,’ and she prodded her finger into my shoulder, ‘if you marry out, you don’t get to swan back in whenever you feel like. It doesn’t work that way.’
‘I’ll bear that in mind, next time I want to swan in,’ I said, shaking her off. Deb grabbed my hand and pulled me away.
‘Your poor, poor mother,’ Mrs Shapiro called after us. ‘Silly girls!’
We moved hastily to the front of the hall. My heart was beating fast.
‘Are you all right?’ Deb said. ‘You handled that well.’
‘Your mother-in-law really is a…’
‘She’s a total bitch, yes.’
‘Deborah!’ I couldn’t remember hearing Deb ever use that word before.
‘Well, honestly. She’s already found time this morning to tell me about three people she knows whose daughters-in-law are having babies. I don’t want to ruin Ezra’s big day, but I’m this close to grinding her face into the profiteroles.’
‘Well, if you change your mind I’ll hold her down while you do the grinding.’
The two of us went back to showing people to their seats. I kept a lookout for Zaida, and at last he appeared, walking very slowly, supported by Uri and Dov on either side.
‘My best girl!’ he cried as I approached him. He hugged me tight with one arm that he’d pulled free from Uri. He wobbled a bit and we guided him quickly into a chair. Looking down at him I could see how sparse his hair was, the pink scalp showing between every strand.
‘Where’s that lovely young man of yours, er…’
‘Nathan?’ Dov prompted.
‘Er, yes, Nathan,’ Zaida said, looking confused, and I realised that it was my name he wasn’t able to remember. I saw with a sudden clarity that there was no going back for Zaida. He wasn’t going to get better; there was only one direction this could go in. He would never be capable of living on his own again. He would never again greet me in the annex with a plate of love disguised as a cream cheese bagel.
‘Nathan? What do you…’ Uri started to say, and looked astonished when Dov and I both waved our hands at him. ‘What? What’s going on?’
I shook my head at Uri, who continued to look baffled. ‘Nathan’s moved back to Gateshead, Zaida,’ he said in his loud, clear voice. I hadn’t known this, having avoided the annex religiously for the last week, since the second marriage proposal.
‘Where? Gateshead?’ Zaida said, his head swivelling between Uri and me. ‘What’s the meshuggener want to do that for? He can’t leave his wife.’
‘His wife…?’ Uri said, the dumb fool.
‘He’s not left permanently,’ Dov said, laughing as if it were all a misunderstanding. Which I guess it was. ‘Just for a few days. Isn’t that right, Aliza?’
‘Yes, of course.’ Over Zaida’s head I did a hand-across-the-throat gesture, meaning to kill a conversation. I’d picked it up from the Real World, but Uri got it and, shrugging and shaking his head, moved away to be congratulated on his son’s achievements by the rest of the guests.
Zaida beamed up at me. ‘Where’s your lovely man?’ he asked again.
‘He’s popped out for a minute,’ I said, to avoid any further confusion.
‘Oh yes, that’s right,’ Zaida said, but clearly he had already forgotten what he had asked. He began to look agitated. ‘Is Paulina here?’ Before I could ask what he wanted, she materialised right next to us.
‘Want the loo, Moshe? OK, up we get.’ She smiled at Dov and me, and smoothly got Zaida up and on to his feet, gently placing his hands on a walking frame. ‘Come on then, my lamb,’ she said, and they walked out together. He didn’t look back.
‘Can we sit?’ I said to Dov. The room was full of people, but he was the only person I felt I could bear to be with.
He led me over to the outcasts’ table at the far end of the room, by this time filling up with the oldest and dustiest of the aunts. Esther was a ruthless table planner. I already knew I had been seated here, but to my surprise, the place setting next to mine had Dov’s name on, written in
Becca’s swirling calligraphy – she was always asked to do the place-cards for fancy occasions.
‘How did you manage this?’ I smiled at Dov. ‘You’re meant to be at the top table.’
‘Oh…’ He looked a bit shifty. ‘Uri asked me to help arrange chairs and tables in here yesterday.’
‘Who did you swap with?’
He grinned. ‘Uncle Ben.’
How I loved Dov. I was surrounded by all these people, feeling their judgement radiating at me. But with him, I was not alone. And it was going to be fun to watch the top table – Uncle Ben would keep Esther and her mother on their toes up there.
Dov and I sat and clinked our empty glasses together. The wine waiters were a long way from our table.
‘Did you know Nathan moved back to Gateshead?’ I asked.
‘Yes, he went a couple of days ago.’
‘I didn’t think he’d go so soon.’
‘I think it’s good news, don’t you?’ Dov looked at me with his clear, shrewd eyes. I was saved from answering by a waitress plonking a jug of water in front of us.
The noise and activity in the room was intense: more than a hundred and fifty yammering people, calling to relatives across several tables, standing up to greet friends, making loud complaints about the food, impassive waiters and waitresses gliding round with drinks and starters. I glimpsed Deborah hurtling from one table to another, her face anxious.
I thought of Nathan going back to the yeshiva to start again. I thought of the day I chased him across the station and he told me to get off the train. The way his face looked in the early hours of the morning as he told me how he’d felt about being jilted. Before I knew it, I started to cry, that out-of-control crying that sneaks up when you least want it to.
A woman on my left, in a bright red skirt suit, sausage tight, one of Esther’s distant relatives, asked if I was all right. I nodded, then turned my body towards Dov so she couldn’t see my face.