General Misconduct

by L. A. Witt

  “High school never ends, does it?” Shane mused.

  I laughed halfheartedly. “No, it doesn’t.” I rested my elbow under the window. “I guess I’m just trying to figure out if I’m being an idiot.”

  Shane gnawed his thumbnail. “I don’t know if I’d word it that way, but you’re taking a pretty big risk.”

  “I know that. But am I an idiot for taking that risk?”

  Shane thought for a long moment before he spoke again. “Look, I know as well as anyone what it’s like to be with someone you shouldn’t. If anyone finds out about Eric and me, we could both be in a world of hurt.” He locked eyes with me. “But Connor’s a kid. Has he ever even had much of a relationship before?”

  “Living under Bradshaw’s thumb? Are you kidding?”

  “Yeah, that’s what I figured. So this is his first time down this road.” Shane paused. “You’re an Academy grad, right?”

  I nodded.

  “So you’ve been planning a military career for a long time. Right?”

  Again, I nodded.

  “I get how much he probably means to you,” Shane said. “And putting your career ahead of someone you care about? Believe me, I understand. I’m one to talk. I’m dating an enlisted guy.” He paused and looked at me. “You have to keep your career in mind.” He held my gaze, and for a moment, I almost expected a reassuring hand on my arm. “I’m not saying that’s easy by any means. I’ve been struggling with it myself ever since Eric and I started dating.”

  I swallowed. “So what do I do?”

  “I don’t know. I really don’t.” Shane chewed the inside of his cheek. “But the thing is, he’s a kid.”

  I raised my eyebrows. And?

  “Some people get it right the first time,” he said, “but most people? They need to fall on their faces a few times. And both of you need a chance to find yourselves and figure out your careers. You’re just out of the Academy. He’s just out of high school. Do either of you even know who you are yet?”

  Being the youngest of four, I was used to my hackles going up when someone implied, because of my age, I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. This time, though, I had to admit I saw his point. Connor and I were both still figuring out what the fuck we were doing as individuals. What happened if we figured it out and it took us in opposite directions?

  Shane went on. “I’m not saying young relationships never work. Some do. Some people really pull it off right out of the gate. You just need to decide how much you’re willing to gamble on the possibility that you and Connor are two of those people. It sucks, and it’s not remotely fair, but you’ve got a lot on the line.”

  I scrubbed a hand over my face. Damn him for making sense. It did make sense too. If we were in our thirties, with our feet under us and some experience behind us, maybe it would be different. But Connor had never had a serious relationship before. I’d had a couple, but even they were nothing to write home about. Nothing I’d ever had any illusions of lasting forever.

  Bradshaw could derail—not end, but definitely derail—my career with a few phone calls. I’d worked too goddamned hard for this, spent too much of my life getting to this point, and risking all that for something that was intense now but might flame out in a few months? Stupid. Completely stupid.

  I swallowed hard and looked at Shane. “You’re probably right.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I really am.”

  Yeah. Me too.

  Chapter Twenty

  Connor

  When I came home from class, Dad’s car was in the driveway. I groaned to myself—having him gone for a week and a half had been so nice. Especially since I hadn’t had to sneak around with Aiden. My stepmother didn’t ask many questions. Unlike my father, she accepted that I was an adult and didn’t need permission or oversight to leave the damned house.

  I left my books in the car—didn’t need to study for anything at the moment, and I’d probably go to the library tomorrow anyway—and went inside.

  Dad was in the kitchen, and as soon as I saw him, I knew I was fucked. He gave me that look. Head tilted. Eyes narrowed. Mouth tight. Fuck.

  He set his iced tea on the counter. “Where were you this weekend?”

  My blood turned colder. “What?”

  He gave me a look. “Your stepmother said you were gone all weekend. Where were you?”

  Casually turning to reach into the refrigerator, I said, “Some friends and I went out to the Keramas to go snorkeling.”

  “Which friends?”

  I turned and glared at him. “Friends who, like me, are old enough to—”

  “Cut the crap, Connor,” he snapped, making me jump. “Were you or were you not with Ensign Lange this weekend?”

  How the fuck…

  I gulped, instantly regretting it.

  Dad exhaled hard. “We’ve discussed this.”

  “Yeah, we have.”

  He rubbed his forehead. “Connor, I don’t think you understand how serious this is.”

  “And I don’t think you understand how serious I am about being with Aiden.”

  He glared at me. My heart beat faster. I hadn’t even thought about what I was saying until the words came out, but now that they had, there was no taking them back.

  “So you have been seeing him.” It wasn’t a question.

  My shoulders dropped. I released a breath, and with it the tension that had been winding itself around this secret for the past few weeks. “Yes.”

  Dad sighed loudly. “Jesus Christ, Connor.”

  A few years ago, the teenage me would’ve been worried about how grounded he was going to be. Right then, though, the adult me decided this was horseshit.

  I grabbed my keys off the counter. “I’m going out.”

  “Where?”

  “To the fucking library.”

  “Connor, if you’re—”

  The door closed and cut him off. I half expected him to come out and order me back into the house like he would’ve if I’d been a few years younger, but the front door stayed shut.

  I got in the car and pulled out of the driveway with no particular destination in mind. I was tempted to go to the library as I’d told my father, but I couldn’t focus enough to study, so that was pointless. I also didn’t feel like being around people.

  Well, with one notable exception.

  I pulled out my phone. You busy tonight?

  A minute or so later.

  Nope, not busy. I’m at the Exchange. Want to meet up?

  Yes, please. Meet you in the parking lot?

  Be out shortly.

  I left base housing and drove to the Base Exchange. The parking lot was huge, but after I went down two or three aisles, Aiden’s car came into view, and some of the tension melted out of my shoulders. Finally—the one person in the universe who I actually wanted to see.

  I parked my car and got into his. As I slid into the passenger seat, Aiden didn’t look at me.

  “Hey,” I said.

  This time, he glanced at me, but just long enough for a flicker of a halfhearted smile before he looked out the windshield again. The engine idled, but he didn’t put the car in Drive, and he kept his gaze fixed on something outside.

  For the second time this afternoon, my blood turned cold.

  “You okay?”

  Aiden sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah. Just…a long day.”

  Why don’t I believe you?

  I gnawed my lip. “My, uh, stepmom told my dad I was gone for the weekend.”

  Aiden’s head snapped toward me, and his eyebrows went up. “Did she?”

  “Yeah. I blew it off and told him I’d gone out to the Keramas with some friends. He bought it, as far as I can tell.” Liar.

  “Oh. Good.” Aiden faced forward again but didn’t relax at all.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’re not you today.”

  Aiden exhaled, and his shoulders sank as he did. His expression went from bland to downright hurting.<
br />
  I reached for his knee, and when he flinched away from my touch, my heart dropped. “Aiden.” I pulled my hand back. “What’s going on?”

  He chewed his lower lip. “We, uh, need to talk.”

  I gulped. “What about?” More than I’d ever been, I was tempted to reach for him—bridge the gap, make some contact—but I could still feel his flinch reverberating through my bones like a Stay Out electric shock. I wasn’t sure I could take that a second time.

  Aiden turned toward me, but he stared at something outside. His jaw was tight, his lips pressed together.

  My stomach flipped and twisted. “Just tell—”

  “I can’t…” He lowered his gaze. “I can’t do this, Connor. I’m sorry.”

  My stomach lurched. “What? What do you mean?”

  Sighing, he scrubbed a hand over his face. “I can’t keep being the reason things are rough between you and your father.”

  “That’s for him and me to figure out.”

  “Yeah, but…” He dropped his hand onto the console between us, but still didn’t look at me. “He’s also got my career by the balls.”

  I ground my teeth. “So it’s not about me and my dad. It’s about your career.”

  Finally, he turned toward me, and, Jesus, he looked exhausted. Dark lines under his eyes, shoulders hunched like he couldn’t even hold them up. “I’m not saying this is easy, Connor. It’s not.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s so not.”

  “Has it occurred to you that it’s hard because it’s the wrong decision?”

  He swallowed hard. “I’ve been thinking about that for days.”

  “And?”

  Aiden shook his head and looked out the windshield again. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

  “Then why…” I couldn’t find the words, and I could barely breathe enough to speak anyway.

  He focused on something up ahead. “This is your first time—”

  “So what? Is there a certain number of times I have to do it before my opinion is valid or I can say it’s right or wrong?”

  “No, of course not. But most people have to go through a few relationships before they find the right one.”

  “And what happens if we get it right the first time?” I swallowed hard, trying not to let him see just how panicked I was at the thought of losing him. “Are we supposed to shoot it in the foot and end it just because it’s the first time?”

  He didn’t answer.

  I glared at him. “Would you be willing to give it a shot if my dad hadn’t threatened your career?”

  “Connor…” He exhaled hard.

  I rubbed a hand over my face. “Christ…”

  “This isn’t just my future,” he said quietly. “If you keep seeing me, that could fuck things up with your dad and get in the way of you finishing school.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

  Again, he didn’t respond.

  “You know what? Just…forget it.”

  I had no idea if he wanted to exchange a few parting words because I didn’t give him the chance. I got out of the car, shut the door behind me and didn’t look back. Hands shaking and stomach clenched, I got into my own car and headed home.

  When I got to the house, I went in as quietly as I could. I felt like a goddamned kid, slipping into my own house past my parents and retreating to my bedroom, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to drive anywhere other than from the Exchange to here, and there was nowhere else to go.

  In my bedroom, I sank onto the bed.

  And I felt nothing.

  I didn’t cry. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t feel sick.

  I felt…absolutely nothing.

  Somewhere under my skin, there were feelings, but they were so far away they may as well have belonged to someone else.

  I kept expecting Aiden to call, but my phone stayed silent. And I couldn’t understand it. What he’d said in the car, why he’d let me go. This couldn’t be how it ended. It wasn’t right. It didn’t make sense. Something had happened between us, and it was too deep to be dismissed like this, and now that he was gone, I didn’t know what to think. Feel. Do.

  I’d known for a while that I was in love with Aiden, but now that he was gone? Fuck. Even now, as much as I wanted to resent him for choosing his career over me, I couldn’t. On some level, I was angry. Mostly, I was numb. I felt empty.

  And I should have hated him but, God, I loved him.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Aiden

  I’d made a huge mistake. A massive one.

  For a solid week, that was all I could think about. I couldn’t concentrate on work. I sure as shit couldn’t look General Bradshaw in the eye.

  I had seriously fucked up.

  Question was, which was the mistake? Breaking up with Connor, or hooking up with him in the first place?

  I pushed aside the paperwork I was supposed to be focusing on. Why I’d bothered to work on it at all, I had no idea. I was lucky I’d been able to put my shoes on this morning, never mind comprehend a threat analysis detailing some concerns about Kadena’s southernmost fence line.

  I needed to talk to someone. Now.

  I would have given my right arm for a chance to take Shane up on his open-door policy, but this wasn’t a good time for him. Rumors were already flying all over the building about the altercation between him and Commander Morris the other night. I thought it might’ve been just bullshit, but Morris was gone—permanently, by the sound of it—and when I caught a glimpse of Shane, he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks and had one hell of a bruise on the side of his face. Secretly, I hoped he’d whooped Morris’s ass. He probably hadn’t, not if he still had a job, but I wouldn’t have been sad to find out that the homophobic son of a bitch had taken a few hits.

  The last thing Shane needed was my bullshit, but, God, I needed that lifeline. That open office door. Someone who got it. He’d been the one to convince me that I was playing with fire if I stayed with Connor, and I needed him to remind me of everything he’d told me at the barbecue. What was at stake. Why I’d be an idiot to risk my career for something that wouldn’t last.

  I wanted to believe he was right. I needed to believe that ending things with Connor had been a necessary, painful evil.

  But I didn’t.

  And I still had work to do. Breakup or not, idiot or not, I had shit that needed to get done, so I pulled up the PowerPoint presentation I was supposed to give at Island Indoc next week. The slides were fine, I thought, but the brass always found something that needed some adjustments. I had the slides, I had the notes they’d given me, and, nope, couldn’t concentrate on that either. I could barely make out the words on the screen or the notes, never mind figure out how to tweak the slides for whatever reason I felt possessed to tweak them.

  I let my face fall into my hands. Christ. I was fucking useless today. Sitting in my office, I was about to go out of my mind, but I was afraid to step out for so much as a cup of coffee because I didn’t want to run into Bradshaw. Did he know yet? Was he one of those fathers who’d hate me for dating his son, but kill me for dumping him?

  I rested my elbows on my desk and rubbed both hands over my face. This shit would get easier, wouldn’t it? It had to. It wasn’t like I’d had much choice. Connor and I couldn’t make this work.

  Could we?

  Fuck.

  Yeah. Definitely useless for the day.

  I called Captain Warren and told him I needed to take off at two so I could take care of some personal things. He didn’t mind—he probably had a tee time himself—so at a few minutes before two, I slipped out of my office and left.

  Once I was off the base, I went home and changed out of my uniform. Then, without really thinking about it, I got in the car and hit the road again. I turned onto Highway 329, and I drove.

  No direction in mind, no particular destination. I just drove.

  I just…drove.

  Through one of the little tow
ns outside Kadena. Past farms and shops and sugarcane fields. Without really thinking about it, I followed the signs onto the expressway. On autopilot, I grabbed a ticket from the toll machine, then accelerated up the ramp and merged with the sparse traffic. I ignored the speed limit, as I always did, and flew up the expressway, pretending I didn’t feel a conspicuous void beside me where Connor used to sit.

  I drove way too fast, and before I knew it, I’d reached the end of the expressway, just outside of Nago. I stopped at the tollbooth, paid the toll and continued up the highway. Still no destination in mind, but I kept heading north.

  There was almost no one out on the highway, and the few cars out here were observing the speed limit about as well as I was. A souped-up sports car blew by me, and I couldn’t resist applying a little more pressure to the accelerator. The engine whined, and the seawall and tsunami breaks and tiny towns whipped past me as I continued toward destination unknown.

  I needed to stop somewhere and just think, but I couldn’t get away from us. Every familiar inch of this island was something he’d shown me. Something I’d experienced with him. Or something we’d sworn we’d visit soon. A cliff where we’d sat and talked. A beach where we’d made out, talked, fucked. A restaurant where he’d introduced me to the cuisine he knew so well. The resort where I’d realized way too much about us to have done what I did the other night.

  And as I continued past Nago, continuing north on 329, I realized with a sinking heart where I’d been heading on autopilot. I wanted to turn around and drive as fast and as far in the opposite direction as this tiny island would let me, but I didn’t. Though I knew it would hurt, I kept going. I followed the signs. And when one of those signs told me to pull off the freeway, I did, and I kept following them.

  All the way to Hiji Falls.

  With my heart in my throat, I parked in the familiar parking lot. Two spaces down from where Connor had parked that day, I remembered way too clearly.

  I started up the familiar trail. I followed the familiar staircases up and down, completely numb except for my aching legs. It seemed like a million years ago that I’d been rattled and scared because of that fucking Marine, walking up this trail with the irrational fear that he’d come around the next corner and add to the stitches and bruises on my face. For that matter, I’d become so accustomed to Connor in my life, it was weird to even imagine that I’d been in a gay bar, flirting with anyone else in the first place. Once we’d started seeing each other, he’d become a fixture in my world, something that may as well have been there from day one.