“Remi—it’s six in the morning. Where are you going?” Joni calls from the bed.
“I have an errand to run before the wedding. Go back to sleep. I’ll be back for breakfast.” I grab my phone and keys and head to the door.
“Okay—bring me a Starbucks when you come back, the coffee here is awful,” she calls after me.
As soon as I’m in the hallway, I break into a run. The thought that Kal could be gone by the time I get to CASA is like a whip at my back.
I sprint through the lobby not caring that I’m giving the early morning staff fodder for gossip. I self-parked last night so that I wouldn’t have to wait for a valet driver to get my car, and less than seven minutes after I got Lupe’s text, I’m driving down Woodway and turning left onto the 610 Freeway.
I knew she wouldn’t come here without going there. I knew it would be the only time I’d find a way to talk with her without anyone around. I haven’t lived in Houston for six years, but I’ve supported CASA financially since I started volunteering. And every time I’m home, I go visit. Lupe loved Kal. Every time I see her she asks if we’re back together. So, when I asked her to help, she was happy to do me the favor.
I just need to talk to her. Need to say all of the things I didn’t when I had the chance.
See if there’s any hope for us. I touch the small locket dangling next to the small gold cross that hangs from a gold chain around my neck. I’ve worn it ever since I realized I wouldn’t get to give it to her.
I pull up and see the Nissan Maxima rental in the driveway and let out a sigh of relief.
She’s still here.
I race up the walkway. Lupe opens the door as I approach like she’s been waiting for me.
“Hello, my love.” She props up on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to my cheek. I hug her back. I’ve come to love Lupe. She’s the perfect combination of grit, persistence, and kindness. She’s kept this place running by sheer strength of her love for these children.
“She’s with Carlos, in the back. I told her you were coming,” she says and there’s a gentle reproach in her eyes. I had asked her not to say anything.
“I didn’t want her to feel trapped. And I wanted her to have a choice. I don’t know what happened between you two, but I remember the way you were when you were here. So, I guessed she’d be glad you were coming. And I was right.” She pats my cheek with affection and smiles softly up at me.
“You were?” I glance over her shoulder, eager to get to her.
“Let me know when you’re leaving so I can lock up after you.”
She pads away down the hall, and I stand there gathering my nerve. I can see the crack of light under the door to Carlos’ room. We always knew he’d never be adopted. And every year, I’ve highlighted part of my contribution to supplement the reimbursement the state gives Lupe and CASA for his care.
I gird my loins and walk down the hall to talk to the girl I’ve been waiting almost a decade to talk to.
KAL
* * *
“He’s here.”
Lupe’s text makes my heart jump. I press a kiss to Carlos’ cheek and stand up. I take one last look around the room and marvel how it has all the space and light he needs.
It’s all thanks to Remi’s donations. Lupe took me for a tour around the house, showing me all the improvements that have been made. Over the years, she’s kept me updated on Carlos, the only kid who is still here from the time I volunteered. He’s aged out of the system, doesn’t have to worry about being displaced. This is his home.
All because Remi loves him.
Not that I’m surprised, he’s an excellent human being. Larger than life, brighter than the sun. It’s why I fell so hard for him. Distance from that evening has cooled my anger about it. When I’m feeling extremely rational, I even understand why he lied. But, I hate that he felt like he had to.
It was fucked-up, but I’ve told myself, drilled it into my thick skull, that things have worked out as they were meant to.
So, why does thinking that feel so much like swallowing broken glass?
“Stop being dramatic, Kal.” I scold myself under my breath.
I steel my shoulders and steady my breath. But nothing can calm the wild beating of my heart. I close my eyes and remind myself he doesn’t hold my heart the way he used to.
I’ve moved on.
I’m happy.
I’m building a life.
I repeat these words to myself over and over again until I can say it without stumbling over the words. And then, I step out into the hallway.
Our eyes find each other immediately and I see the same uncertainty as I feel staring back at me. But it’s different, rougher, less restrained than mine. And in his gaze is so much hunger. I feel it as though he was touching me and I have to steel myself against it.
“Will.” His gruff voice is just a decibel above a whisper and he swallows hard when I brush a tear away.
“Hey, Carlton,” I manage.
He walks up to me, his lips pressed together in a determined line, his eyes intent on mine. Without missing a beat he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug.
I hug him back. It feels so good to be back in his strong arms that for minute I forget the way we left things and how much it hurt that last time I saw him.
But only for a minute.
I pull out of his hold, and he lets me go, but reluctantly. A shiver of dread and delight runs the same course as his hands slide down my arms. He grasps my hands, holds them in his and my heart beats wildly.
I see the instant the stone of the ring on my left hand presses into his palm.
His eyes never leave mine and tears well at the back of them as I see a whole rail of emotions move through his.
Surprise.
Confusion.
Disbelief.
Hurt.
“What the fuck is this?”
I force myself to smile; it feels watery and thin and brittle.
“I’m getting married,” I rush out in a breath before I lose my nerve.
“To who?” he asks flatly and drops my hand.
“To Paul. I’m here with him. He knows Marcel…”
“I thought you worked for him?” He holds my hand, his eyes on the ring.
“No. I work for his family’s business. He’s not my boss or anything.”
“Do you love him?” he asks, his tone is harsh.
I close my eyes because I can’t look at him and say it.
“I’m pregnant.”
The room is silent.
He doesn’t say anything, but his chest heaves sharply on a silent gasp, and I can’t bring myself to look at him.
“Do you want to get married?” His voice is so gentle, so tender that it makes me want to weep in his arms.
“Yes.” I say even though, I want to confess that I’m not sure.
“Do you love him?” His voice is still gentler when he asks this time, but I can see the truth, the devastation in his eyes.
It makes me angry.
“You don’t get to look at me like that.” I spit.
“I fucking know, Kal.” He says and he sounds like he’s in pain. “I know that night was a shit show. But you disappeared without a trace. I had no idea where you’d gone. Why didn’t you ever try to get in touch?” His question is devoid of accusation, but I can see it in his eyes and the audacity of it is shocking.
“Why would I? We didn’t leave for four days after… that night. I never heard from you.” I almost choke on the memory.
His eyes narrow and he clenches his jaw.
“I came by the very next day, your mother said you didn’t want to see me. I came every fucking day until you I realized you were gone.” He grits out angrily.
I reel backwards.
My mother lied to me. Granted, I shouldn’t be surprised. It was just one in a string of lies that she told me my whole life. But when I think what might be different if I’d seen him before I left. If I’d known he wanted to s
ee me… I can’t bear the thought.
They played games with our lives and they won. We were kids without a say. What’s done is done. I look over at Remi and he looks as despondent as I feel.
We stand there in a heavy barbed silence that makes the room feel very small.
I break the silence because I want to make sure he knows everything she did. I saw her today and I’d trembled when I remembered how she plotted to hurt me. “Your mother blackmailed my mother.”
His jaw goes slack.
“What?”
“She promised to make our lives a living hell unless we got out of town.”
He closes his eyes. “I knew it didn’t make sense the way you disappeared.” He groans like he’s in pain. “God, that woman. I’m so sorry, Kal. I didn’t know.”
“I know.” I say uselessly.
It’s too late for all of this.
“I thought I was such a man. I was just a powerless, clueless kid. Maybe I still am.” He shakes his head.
“Yeah. When my mother packed us up, I didn’t think about refusing to go. I was hurt and confused and she used that to her advantage. We moved to New York and I finished high school there.”
“You still live there?” he asks, but he sounds dazed.
“Yup, I went to Columbia. Got a job with an investigative journalism magazine. I live in Harlem now, but I’m moving in with Paul soon.”
“Well, all you need is the book and your porch, and your happy ending is basically here,” he says dully, but his words hit me like poison tipped arrows and the resentment and anger in them seep into my skin.
“It’s been six years. And you’ve moved on, too. You’re with Joni.” My voice betrays how defensive I feel.
“Not for long. It’s basically over.” His voice is devoid of emotion, his dark brows are furrowed in a dark smile.
“Oh. I’m… sorry?” I’m not sure if he’s upset or if it’s a good thing.
He looks back at the window without responding.
“So, when’s the wedding?” He asks quietly.
His change of subject gives me whiplash.
“Uh, soon. His family is Catholic. They want it done before I start to show.” I stare at my feet and close my eyes and try to remember that this is all going to be fine. It hurts now, but it won’t always.
I’m making the right choices. For myself and for my child. Remi owns my heart, but love isn’t enough. I owe my child the best start I can give her.
“Congratulations.” He looks so sad even though he’s smiling.
I don’t know why I feel like I’ve broken his heart.
I know that’s not the case. It’s my heart that’s got a permanent crack in it from loving him when I shouldn’t have. He never felt the same way.
He slides his hand up my arm and caresses the inside of my elbow. I close my eyes because his touch is bliss and I want to savor it.
“You know… I wanted things to be different…” His words aren’t a question.
They are the final words in this chapter of our lives.
It a stab in the gut.
“I’m so fucking sorry about that weekend, Kal. So sorry I didn’t just tell you about the event. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry I let you down. We were a lot of things to each other. But most of all, we’d been friends.”
I nod. “I know you are. I knew it then. And yes, I miss our friendship.” It’s such an understatement. There is so much unspoken in his words, too. And for now, it will have to stay that way.
“You just miss me driving you around.”
“Yeah, I don’t miss your slow-ass driving at all.”
He smiles. It’s a flash of light from a shooting star across a dark moonless sky. And just like that, I don’t feel so fucking shitty.
Life has gotten in the way so many times and now, it’s time for us to get off this ride.
It takes effort to step away from him, away from his touch. But I do it with a smile. “So, you’re about to be a Supreme Court Clerk?”
“Still asking around about me, I see…” A bark of surprised laughter escapes me.
“I guess so. Congratulations. It’s a big fucking deal.”
He shakes his head as if he’s amazed by his own achievement. “Kal, there’s a voter ID law coming up for review. I would be involved in a really historically significant moment. I mean every decision the court makes is historically significant, but it’s a brand-new question and I get to be right there. If I get it.”
“You’ll get it. You’re Remington Wilde. The Legend. You’re damn good at everything,” I quip, but it sounds brittle and hollow in my own ears. I just smile wider.
“I’m not good at everything, Kal. I just work harder than everyone else.” I’m so proud of him and sad for us.
“You did it.” I imbue my voice with that pride.
He nods and then shakes his head like he disagrees. “No, Kal. I’ve fucked-up so bad.” He sounds despondent.
I forget the distance I tried to create and move closer to him. “What do you mean? You’re a shoo-in for that job.”
“No. Not that. This. Us.” He reaches out and presses his palm between my breasts and at his touch, tears spring to my eyes.
The bone-deep regret in his voice scares me. I shake my head at him. “We didn’t stand a chance. We had everything against us. Your mother hated me. Life…”
He moves so quickly; I don’t even see it coming. His arm wraps around my waist and he pulls me up against him. And then drops us onto the low-slung couch under the window.
He holds me in his lap, his eyes hook onto mine and that wolf-like keenness he had whenever he was determined appears.
“Remi—” I start to admonish him.
His big, warm hand cups my jaw and the words die in my throat. His hand on my skin ignites every synapse of need in my body. It’s like he flipped a switch.
“Yeah… I know. I feel it too,” he says quietly. His hand moves up my jaw and to my hair. I close my eyes against the shiver that runs through me when the pads of his big fingers caress my scalp.
“Remi…”
“You’re so beautiful,” he says, and I look down at him.
“You are, too,” I whisper. And he is. Inside and out.
He brings his face to mine until our foreheads touch and our noses brush each other. I rock mine back and forth over his forehead.
His eyes roam my face. “I missed that fucking freckle.” He whispers and his breath dances on my lips.
So close.
So, so close.
A wave of longing crashes against my resolve and my breath hitches.
“Can I kiss you?” He asks, holding my gaze, piercing my very soul with it. I’ve never wanted anything more. I have to bite my lip to keep from begging him to please kiss me.
I shake my head.
He groans softly and slides his nose along mine. I exhale a shuddering breath and he inhales sharply, like he’s trying capture it.
“Don’t you remember how good it felt when we kissed?” He asks.
Oh, how I remember. How I have dreamed of it. How I’ve tasted it, measured everything by it.
And just like when I was a girl, I can’t deny him anything. And our time apart has only amplified our feelings.
The tips of our noses rub against each other as I nod.
He cradles my head and brings my mouth to his.
The touch is electric. It sizzles. And our sharp gasps are synchronized.
My lips quiver as his brush back and forth across them and a wildfire of gooseflesh covers my entire body.
When his tongue, hot and wet and so fucking delicious, sweeps across my bottom lip I’m transported.
To a place where he and I are together. Without parents interfering, without fucked up timing. Without heartbroken nights that made me careless. Without anything but my best friend, my lover, the man I would have followed anywhere he’d asked me to.
It was one summer, but it had been the most wonderful, unexpected interlude in t
he shit show that had been my life.
I let my chest press against his and wrap my hand around his neck and the kiss deepens.
His tongue sweeps inside my mouth and tangles with mine. He licks and sucks and reverently, lovingly reminds me of everything I’ve missed. This is the most perfect kiss. Because this is the most perfect man. Even in the ways that we are flawed, we are each other’s perfects.
His hand drifts down my shoulder and he cups my breast and his thumb sweeps my nipple. His fingers twist and fist the hair at the nape of my neck, lips skid down my throat, his teeth and tongue working in beautiful concert – nipping and then soothing.
I am unraveling. I’m approaching a place I shouldn’t be going. The warning bells start to ring. This is wrong. And, I won’t ruin my chance at having the life I always wanted.
Not when the last time I let him close enough, he decimated my heart.
There’s a loud crash in the hallway and I yank my mouth off his and jump out of his lap. His fingers circle my wrist and he yanks me back.
“No. Not yet,” he says and his lips press to mine again
“Remi. No. Please… let’s not. I feel it, too. But… no.”
I put a hand over my still flat stomach.
He lets go of my wrist. The light in his eyes cool and he drops his head, and shakes it.
When he looks up at me again his eyes are clear. Like he’s dropped a mask over the raging emotions that had nearly drowned us a few minutes ago.
“I know. I’m sorry. That’s not the man I was raised to be.”
Hearing him say he’s sorry, even though I know I should be too, stings.
“It’s just seeing you… just everything makes me forget myself.”
“It’s okay. Nostalgia and all.” I say lamely.
“And, I know how much you like kissing me.” He winks and flashes me a grin. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but I can see he’s trying. So I smile back. And when I do, he nods his head as if accepting something and stands up.
“So... friends?” he asks and watches me
“We’ve always been. And will always be.”
When I leave thirty minutes later, I feel better. I have Remi back in my life and I’ve made the right choice. I’m going to be somebody’s mother. Someone who didn’t ask to be born and I want to do right by him or her. I won’t put a child through what I went through. Not even if it means having to settle for friendship with the man I love.
The Rivals Page 49