Then she was gone, leaving me alone in the bathroom, hard and wrecked. So I got back in the shower and jerked off until that fucked-up tension was released.
Chapter Thirteen
Raw passion.
Present
Sunday passes and a couple of times I walk outside India’s apartment building, but I don’t have the balls to walk inside. I keep stretching my knuckles, wondering if it’s wise to go and see her. She slept in my bed, and it was obvious that she got drunk because of me. Maybe in the end she is convinced that I’m not the same cold, hateful guy anymore. Finally, I leave, knowing that I’ll only make this situation more complicated. India has been causing turmoil inside me since I realised that I love her, but she is with Evans now, so I can’t go in there and simply claim her back.
I get back home and then go for a run to cool down, but training only makes me angrier. Jacob doesn’t come home for a night, so I get drunk again, because alcohol pushes me into a deep, black hole and once I’m inside, I don’t need to think about the past.
Dora gives me a dirty look during lunch, not letting Jacob sit with me and the rest of the team. India shows up, yet again not acknowledging me at all, her head held high. Our eyes meet briefly when I pass her table, but I find nothing in them. She got drunk and wandered off towards my house. I didn’t apologise to Rhian for her, but I think I made a right call.
The rest of the day feels like time hasn’t moved at all. The lectures drag, and when I finally leave the biology room, I know that I need an early night. I have to stop drinking heavily; the hangover only fucks everything off. Cutting through the main building, I walk down to the ground floor, hoping to grab some food. The stairs are empty and some of the classes are nearly over, but I stop abruptly on the first floor when I hear a familiar voice.
“You have nothing to worry about. Oliver hurt me, and I’m not going to even look at him. He can keep apologising as much as he wants, but it’s over between us.”
My stomach churns while I stand still on the top of the stairs, hearing an intimate and private conversation between Evans and India. I made my bed so I have to lie in it now, but fuck me, she can at least talk to me. She showed me before that she is not running away, but I deserve a conversation. We slept in the same bed last night and she sneaked out in the morning. She probably didn’t tell Evans about that.
“Tell me the truth: do you have any feelings for him? Because if you do, I don’t want to be the third person. Morgan wants you back; he wants to be close to you again. You guys have some sort of connection.”
“Russell, please, there is nothing between us. Let’s move on. My feelings for him died the moment he humiliated me in that restaurant. I don’t want his friendship or his apologies. He doesn’t deserve to have me back.”
I choose not to listen to her anymore. The air is not getting to my lungs. Evans lets her wander off in the middle of the night. Fuck, she is lying to him and to herself. It’s like she pretends our years together were never important to her. I wait for him to leave, and when he does, I’m determined to talk to her. It’s now or never. This conversation is going to take place whether she likes it or not. But I need to stay calm, no swearing and shouting. Just two damaged people talking about the future.
She shows up a few seconds later, climbing the stairs, and I walk down and stand in her way. Her eyes go wider as she spots me, and she glances down. That startled look somehow makes me harder, but I need to concentrate right now. This is important.
“Listen, don’t you think we should talk?” I ask her, going straight to the point.
“Get out of my way, Oliver. We don’t have to talk. We have nothing to talk about,” she snaps.
“You vanished from my room. I was disappointed. I finally get it—how hard it has been for you. I don’t deserve to be with you, but please, let’s try to be friends.”
India kept this secret from me. She led me to believe that she chose Christian at that party and fucked him because I hadn’t shown up. I was planning this, yeah, but I made that bet at the beginning of the term. Her breaths are shallow and her perfect chest rises and falls, sending a stream of inappropriate images through my mind. It’s just a conversation, that’s what I’m asking for. We slept next to each other and now she can’t even look at me.
“Friends?” she snarls like I said a very good joke. “I’m never going to be friends with you, Oliver. If I mean anything to you, then leave me alone.”
Okay, that fucking stabbed me right in my gut, but I have to keep going; rejection doesn’t bother me. I can take the punches.
“I have behaved like a jerk, a selfish bastard. You were right about everything. I was too immature, but let me show you that I can be different, India.”
She twists her lips a few more times, before she walks around me. Then she tosses her hair behind her.
“Is it true that you apologised to Rhian couple of weeks ago?”
I pinch my eyebrows together, breathing through my nose. “I did what I thought was right. She was upset and… I think I should have done it sooner.”
She smiles and walks around me, heading down the stairs. “That’s good, but your gestures don’t impress me. I don’t want to hang out with you, even as mates. I have Dora and Russell; they are people that I trust.”
Then she runs downstairs while I stand still in the same position, my jaw hanging open. She is right; after all the shit, why would she need a friend like me? I can keep trying to apologise, but she has already made up her mind. I have to rebuild her trust before she’ll even consider looking at me like that again.
The whole university is booming with assumptions of what I’m going to do next. Fuck me, I think I could go without the attention. People are so caught up with everything that is going on around me. It’s partly my fault. I created this cool image around me and made others spread gossip about me. I wanted to be in control, but now I see that it was a mistake. Right now, it’s all about India, but she only sees me as Christian, and I fucking hate that. Maybe there are other ways to make her look at me again.
I head home and sleep on my new ideas for the next couple of days. Her rowing competition should be happening soon. Instead of getting worried about what is going to happen with her, I grit my teeth and just move on with my life for the next couple of weeks until May. The British summer is finally on the way and I give myself until the end of this academic year to get her back or to be friends with her again. Either way, I’m going to leave her alone until then.
Some days I just like to look at her, admiring her beauty and the way she interacts with everyone. Yeah, people could ask me what the fuck is wrong with me. Why I’m so hung up with this girl. This whole love thing is exhausting and hurtful, seeing her hugging and kissing the other guy. I haven’t looked at any other girl since we broke up. It’s all right. I’m showing people that I am a changed man. India has to see that I’m most definitely not like my fucked-up brother.
Jacob isn’t really allowed to hang out with me, but Dora is, as usual, unreasonable. She is pissed, but at the end of the day she can’t give him an ultimatum if she loves him.
In a week or so, India is going to be forced to spend some time with me. She won’t tell her mother that we broke up. I know her too well. The exams are going to start pretty soon, but I’m not bothered about that. Christian acquired a new laptop before going to start Uni. It was a present from our father. Now the laptop belongs to me and I only just started using it.
During one rainy afternoon, when the weather forces me off the field, I wonder if there is any other way I can apologise to her again. The conversations and the letters didn’t get me anywhere. Now I’m ready for another shot. I switch on the laptop and put the camera on. This whole setup has to be original, deep, and from my own heart. In front of others, I’m cool with a bit of a temper, but I want to distance myself from that image. There is also that romantic side of me. Being without her is suffocating.
Okay, the camera is rolling. There is n
o point wasting time, so let’s get this show on the road.
“Hey, India. This is me again, the guy that you hate so much. Since you don’t even want to look at me anymore, I thought that I’d give you this message; but first, I have to apologise to all the girls I hurt in the past. It’s not easy to admit that I’ve been jerk, a cocky bloke who thinks he can have any girl he wants, stealing hearts without looking at the consequences. I’ve treated girls like objects, things that I could have fun with, but never actually commit to emotionally. This wasn’t cool, and I know that all you ladies agreed to my terms, but I was in the wrong, so I’m sorry.”
I pause, composing myself. “Anyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest. India, I have been in love with you since the moment I saw you outside the classroom in Gargle, and I can’t keep pretending that I don’t feel anything. I’m beating myself up that I wasn’t the first one to take a step. The years went by and you went through a lot. Then you came to Braxton to start over and I made your life very difficult, spreading rumours and using pranks to crash you. I’m sorry that I’d made a bet over your heart. That was beyond stupid and cruel. Only after I realised what I’d lost could I see what kind of monster I had become. Right now I deeply regret that something like that even crossed my mind. Please, everyone who is going to watch this, please help me convince her that I’m worth another shot. Let’s start from friendship, that’s it. I want you to trust me again. Every day I wake up and I want to change the past. No one else matters to me like you do. You’re my shining star and I don’t have any desire to steal your light. I want you to light up my day. Just friendship, that’s all I’m asking for.”
Right, this is a little over the top, but I think the message should help me a lot. I switch off the camera and start playing with some editing. When it comes to romance, I’m here to rock her world. Two hours later my apology video is ready. Then, without showing it to anyone, I post it in on YouTube. Underneath I write this comment.
Share it. Help me to regain the trust of the girl that I care about.
The video goes to Facebook and a few other social media sites. I sit back and wait for the results. One way or another, India is going to watch it. In a week her mother and sister are coming to Braxton. Evans is in the way and I haven’t thought about what I’m going to do with him yet. When the evening comes I decide not to check the video and just go to sleep. The rest is up to fate.
Chapter Fourteen
Trick and treats.
Present: India
“You have to see this! I wouldn’t show it to you but this is actually really sad,” Dora says barging into my room out of nowhere. She’s holding her laptop in her hands. ‘And I bet Jacob had something to do with it.”
She places the laptop in front of me and clicks on a video ranting something about an apology, Oliver and other women. Shortly after that Oliver’s face comes up on the screen and my stomach churns.
“Hey, India, This is me again, the guy that you hate so much. Since you don’t even want to look at me anymore …
I want to start shouting; I want to tell her to get this fucking thing off my bed. I don’t want to watch Oliver or listen to his messages. Dora should know this. I’m done with his shit!
“Just watch it until the end.” she insists.
At first Oliver apologises to all the girls he’s hurt, and then the message becomes more personal he tells me that it’s me he loves. Blah, blah, blah it’s the same thing over and over.
Dora is laughing hysterically until the end of the video.
“Are you seeing that twat?! He thinks you’ll go running back to him because he’s apologised, yet again!”
I wipe the sweat off my forehead and exhale deeply feeling anxious.
“I need to be alone Dor, this video doesn’t mean anything to me.” I say barely hearing my own voice. She places her hands on her hips shaking her head with distaste.
“And can you believe Jacob is still friends with him?! I mean come on. We are together, so he should cut all the ties with Oliver,”
I don’t know what’s got into Dora tonight, but I’m not in the mood to listen to what she thinks about Oliver and his cruelty. Dora leaves, going back to the living room and I’m left on my own. A few minutes later I hear her talking to Jacob on the phone. I flop back on the bed covering my hands on my face. I never believed Oliver could do something like this even after I’d heard him apologise to his ex girlfriend at the party. I wish I could believe him and go back to what we had before but he’s torn my heart to pieces and nothing will ever be the same again.
I’m over him. We are over.
Present: Oliver
In the morning I check my channel and discover that my video has been watched a couple of thousand times. Some girls leave really nice comments wishing me good luck. Others are letting me know that I’ve been an arsehole, but they’ve moved on. There is also some abuse, but at that point I don’t care. My Facebook profile is filled with share notifications. India has blocked me, but maybe she watched it. Evans will probably get furious with me again. At the end of the day, I’m not trying to steal India away from him. She is his and I’m looking just to be around her.
The boys downstairs are giving me hell, but I don’t sweat it over their snarky comments.
“Man, I think you should leave her alone. She doesn’t want you,” says Jhonny, who is apparently a new expert in relationships. “That was a bit lame anyway. No one is going to sleep with you now.”
Jacob arrives later with an uncertain look on his face. “She’s seen it, but didn’t say anything, before you ask,” he tells me with a heavy sigh.
A huge grin spreads over my face. She watched it, that’s the most important thing. In a few days my other plan is going to be set in motion.
On campus, I feel like some sort of celebrity getting all the looks and comments from people I never even met. India shows up later, holding hands with Evans. Dora is behind her, giving me the same sharp look as always. I think everyone in the canteen is holding their breath, waiting for her to do something. The waves of tension are making me feel like something might happen, something good. She focuses on her food without doing anything, and continues her hushed conversation with Evans. Everyone is looking at her. I continue to eat, literally forcing myself to swallow food. A few minutes later, Jacob arrives and slams down on the chair next to me, not even looking at Dora.
“Dora fucked me over,” my mate says, looking like someone just sliced his heart with chain saw.
I look at Dora again, but she is talking to some tall guy, pretending she didn’t even see Jacob.
“Fucked you over?”
“She ended it because of you.”
I’ve lost my appetite now, so I push my plate away, raising my eyebrow.
“What did I do this time?”
“The video. She gave me a fucking ultimatum: you or her and the rest of the miserable pack. She was serious this time around, so I told her that she was being unreasonable.”
“Listen, I’m flattered that you sided with me, but is this worth it? You love her, man, so maybe you should stop talking to me for little while.”
He slams his hand on the table and a few people flinch, but Dora is a great actress. She laughs loudly, making Jacob even more pissed.
“Fuck, no! This is not a relationship! She won’t dictate who I’m going to be friends with. It’s her problem. Besides, I was tired of monogamy.”
This is getting more complicated than I originally anticipated. Then India kisses Evans, and I know that the video didn’t make much impact on her. He gives me a dare stare that says, I’m winning, man, and what are you going to do about that?
I stay calm until it’s time to move. My heart rate is slow and I force myself to get on with the rest of the day. That day is one of the hardest, because I feel like a fucked-up man-whore who just wants that one girl he can’t have.
***
I’m a monster without feelings. Some people tell me that I’m selfish
, but today I genuinely feel like shit. Apparently, Evans’s mother is getting worse and he had to leave campus in order to take her to London. India’s competition is today. I got what I wanted—my rival is out of sight and the girl I want might finally allow me to talk to her.
I have to pick up Mrs. Gretel and little Josephine from the train station in an hour. Knowing what is going on with Evans, I have to play this cool. India is with another guy, and our day is going to be all about the conversation, nothing more and nothing less. I can’t fucking touch her or kiss her. I need to be a mature guy who isn’t a total douche. She has to make a decision to let me back in her life.
Jacob is miserable, even more than me. The breakup with Dora really got to him. She is already going out with someone else and doesn’t even look at him. In the past two days Jacob has been trying to attract some random girls, probably just to feel better about himself. Another problem arises: India wants to see her friend happy and I want to do something about it. It’s simple task. I need to help him to get Dora back. The girl hates me as much as India does, but I can’t just stand around and let my friend waste himself like that with some random girl.
Using my douche brother’s car, I arrive at the station exactly at nine in the morning. The competition starts at twelve, but my whole day has already been planned out. Fuck me, I’m nervous. Mrs. Gretel is going to kill me if she finds out what I’ve done to her daughter, so I prefer she not know.
The train is late just by a few minutes, but I’m relieved when they come out of the station looking excited about this. India is going to be ecstatic to see them, but pissed with me. It’s all about the dialog today.
“Olie, hey, Olie!” Josephine shouts.
“God, old Braxton central. I never knew that I would be here again. Did you know that this is where I met my husband?” says Mrs. Gretel with a smile.
All About Me Page 10