I didn’t change anything in my old room. When I came here a couple of weeks ago, Jacob took Christian’s room. It looks like my mother is looking after the house well; my room is spotless. She probably won’t be happy with my attitude downstairs, and that’s too bad. Deep down I really don’t know how I’m going to start talking to her again. We haven’t had a normal conversation since I can remember when, so the idea of discussing my feelings with her doesn’t sound too appealing. I sit on the bed and start unpacking my stuff. My whole life I’ve been hiding in this room, trying to deal with my growing problems. I got up really early in the morning, so I wouldn’t mind a short nap, but ten minutes later there is a knock on my door.
“Oliver, can I come in?” asks my mother.
“If you have to.”
Fuck, I need to be nicer to her if this whole thing is going to work out. She also needs to know that I’m not a useless teenager anymore.
My mother opens the door and looks at me with her usual frown. It’s not like her. The old person with that crazy look on her face is long gone; now she is on meds. Everything is back on track.
“It would nice if you could let me know when you’re coming home. You took me by surprise,” she says.
“I don’t care what you do with your life.”
I sound a bit harsh, but at the end of the day I do care; I’m just too proud to admit it. For years I’ve been hiding my feelings away from India. Now after all this, I still cannot tell my mother that she hurt me. I have to get over my stinky attitude today.
“Oliver,” she starts again. “Can we start talking like two adults? Obviously you’re here for a reason?”
A deep breath, a few deep breaths, that’s what I need right now. When I glance at her again, I notice that she does look healthy and that’s a good sign. I should be glad that at least one person in this family is turning their life around.
“I’m here for a week, Mother,” I say, because really, I don’t know how to behave around her.
“I’ll make you some breakfast before I go to work. Scrambled eggs on toast?” she asks in a gentle tone of voice, obviously trying to turn the tension between us around.
“Yes, that’s cool.”
“I’m glad that you’re here. I’ve missed you,” she adds and leaves the room.
I take another deep breath, knowing that I have to stop being an asshole to her. She is my mother and I have to bring myself to put the past behind me.
Twenty minutes later, after unpacking all my shit, I head downstairs. It’s Friday and I have exactly seven days to change the way I interact with the woman that gave birth to me. The anger doesn’t even cover how I’m feeling right now. All this time I had no idea why India hated me so much. Now I know and I’m not dealing with it too well.
When I get to the kitchen I spot that all the alcohol is gone. I didn’t notice it the last time I was here. In the past, Mum enjoyed getting pissed. Alcohol only made her worse. I remember hiding the bottles in the garage and then we would row.
The breakfast is ready. Mum made my eggs just the way I like them. It’s the first time we’ve had breakfast together since I came back.
“That looks great, Mum, thanks,” I say.
“Good. I can cook you a breakfast every day. I’ve a few days off.”
“That’s fine. I don’t have to be anywhere tomorrow. Besides, the old Gargle doesn’t have much to offer,” I reply, relaxing a little.
It’s just breakfast, but the atmosphere between us is a little tense. She keeps watching me. We try to talk, but half an hour later she needs to go to work. I do the washing up and then have a nap. When I get up a few hours later, I go over some revision notes. The time rolls on until evening, so once I burn my brain to the point that it can’t take any more information, I go for a ride around town.
The next day I get up with the feeling that today is going to be a better day. India is on my mind and I already miss her. Even when I was in Scotland, miles away, it was easier to cope. She was out of reach, so I wasn’t expecting anything. Now, every day I wonder if she is going to change her mind.
Jacob called last night with good news. Apparently Dora came to talk to him and apologised. I pretend that I’m surprised. It looks like my harsh conversation with Dora made them talk to each other again. At least Jacob will be back to his usual self. He didn’t say much, but I’m confident enough that he and Dora will make it. Now I have Dora on my side again, so maybe she can help me get India back. It’s the way forward.
There is no point postponing the conversation between my mother and me any longer. I get downstairs and find her in the kitchen. The revision can wait. I have to man up and sort my life out. Mum looks busy cooking.
“So, what would you like for breakfast?” she asks.
“I’ll cook; you just sit down and relax,” I offer with a smile. I’m a great cook if I want to be. It’s easier for me to talk while I’m doing something.
“All right.”
As I start cutting the onion, we fall into an awkward silence.
Finally she breaks it, asking, “So how are things in Braxton?”
“The exams are starting and India still is not talking to me. She is with another guy,” I tell her. My mother looks baffled. It’s better to go straight to the point, avoiding chitchat. The subject of India is always good.
“Oliver, I’m sorry. Is she serious about this other boy?”
“No, she’s with him because she wants to get back at me. I ruined my chance with her,” I say, cutting the bullshit.
My mother gets up and stands by me while I start with the eggs. “What happened between you two?”
I sigh, concentrating on the knife. I hate to remember that I couldn’t let go of the anger.
“I humiliated her—made her fall for me again and then broke up with her.”
My mother’s silence only confirms what kind of an asshole I used to be.
“And now you want her back?”
“Of course. I love her. She is the only girl for me.”
“Then follow your heart and keep going.”
I give her a smile. She doesn’t push it. She believes that India will give me another chance.
I make a Spanish omelet as we talk about Mum’s work. Within an hour of honest conversation, I know that my mother is putting her past behind her. She sticks to her medication and she is moving on, like everyone else around her. She talks about Robert. From what I understand, she has been seeing him for a while. Our conversation is an honest one—and for the first time since I can remember, it doesn’t end in a fight.
The next few days fall peacefully. Mum slowly gets used to me being at home again. Robert doesn’t stay over again. I think she wants to keep that part of her life separate for now. I keep revising, trying not to think about India. Some days are better than others. We’re both talking, but there is still tension between us, like she is keeping stuff from me.
Chapter Twenty
Good times and blissful times.
Present
On Thursday night I decide to go out. An old schoolmate invited me to a party and I need to blow off some steam tonight. I have nothing to look forward to at the moment. India has built a wall between us and I have to be patient. I get a lift from one of the guys who used to know my pathetic brother. He keeps asking me about rugby and I’m glad that he doesn’t bring Christian up. It’s one of those parties in the abandoned barns a few miles out of town. The music is decent and people are having a good time. Someone hands me a bottle of beer as I walk inside. I have a good a few hours to kill some time. Once the locals get wound up with the loud music, the police will show up, but it’s still early for that.
For the first couple of hours I talk to a few guys that used to go to high school with me. I chat and I drink, hoping to ease some of the pain and guilt.
“Hey, stranger, fancy seeing you here,” says a voice that fortunately, I do recognise.
Dora is standing in front of me with a bottle of beer.
“What the fuck, Dora? What are you doing here?” I blurt, glancing around, wondering if I’m being pranked. I’m pretty surprised and confused because she is the last person that I expected to see tonight. She sips some of her beer watching me. She looks good, wearing a short red dress.
“I’m here because I came to the conclusion that you are not as big an asshole as everyone thinks you are,” she says. That speech that I gave her last week must have shaken her up a little, but I’m a little taken aback seeing her in Gargle and at this party. Throughout all of high school, she ranted about how much she hates this shitty town.
“Get to the point, Dora. I haven’t got all day,” I snap, wondering if she is playing a game with me. Only a week ago she was ready to shut down my reputation, and now she is here.
“Jacob and I are going to be fine.”
“And?”
“Well, you were right. I’ve been a bitch to Jacob and he didn’t deserve it.”
“Good to know, Dor. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get pissed—”
“Hold on, I’m not finished yet,” she says, grabbing my elbow. “I had a chat with Sam and he told me that you ordered him to ditch that bet, that you wanted India without any games. Also, he said that you never took the bet money.”
Surprise, surprise. It’s funny how people start to act differently if they learn the truth about someone. Dora might be a bitch, but she cares about India. Maybe she wants to be on my side. I give her an annoyed look, so she lets go of me.
“Yeah, it was never about the money. She said something that night that triggered my anger and I acted impulsively. I realised pretty early that I shouldn’t have hurt India.”
She narrows her eyes.
“All right, Oliver, I owe you one,” she says. “I think you suffered enough, so yesterday I made up some lies and brought India back to Gargle for a bit.”
I stare at her for a long moment, finally getting what she is saying. My heart starts pounding in my chest.
“What? India is in Gargle?”
“She went for a little walk on the other side of the barn,” she informs me.
“Dora, are you fucking with me?” I ask, approaching her. I swear to God, if she is pranking me I’m going to lose it.
“I’m not bloody joking. India still hates your guts, but I know you care about her, so go and fix this.”
“But why? Why are you doing this? What about Russell?”
“Evans is good for her, but I don’t see that spark that’s there when you’re around. Besides, she has always been in love with you.”
I should hug Dora, but I think she won’t take this too kindly, so instead, I push through the crowd of people to the other side of the barn. I slam the beer on the table, wondering if Dora is seriously helping me. This sounds too good to be true. The music in the barn is louder now, and there are some guys fighting by the entrance. My brain is only focused on one thing: to find India and talk to her. If Dora is not bullshitting me, then India is here somewhere without Evans.
The barn is in the middle of nowhere. In front of me there are fields and farms. I start walking away from the music in the opposite direction. I spot a figure a distance away. My mind goes through a number or scenarios and my anger inflames. India shouldn’t be walking alone in the dark, but I’m not in a position to tell her that right now. We haven’t spoken to each other since we made out in the steamy sauna. From what I know about Dora, she probably tricked her into coming to Gargle. India probably has no idea that I’m staying with my mother.
I walk towards her, trying to keep my emotions on hold, but desire embraces me like a thick robe, pulling me to her. She is wearing an ivory dress, showing off her bare back.
“Hey, India, hey, wait,” I shout.
She stops and turns around abruptly. The clouds are shading the moon; she can’t see me but I bet she recognises my voice.
“Oliver?”
“I had no idea that you were in Gargle,” I say, genuinely meaning that. Only five minutes ago I was in a terrible mood, getting drunk, having a very shitty night, now I’m glad that I showed up here.
India doesn’t move, looking startled. She probably already figured out that Dora tricked her, knowing that I would be here tonight. Her bright eyes hover over mine closely. She licks her lips, tensing her jaw.
“What do you want, Oliver? I wouldn’t have come here if I’d known that you’d ruin this party for me.”
“Listen, can we just talk? I promise that I won’t touch you. It’s just a conversation. After that, I’ll leave you alone.”
She looks beautiful and I have to make sure that I stop staring at her so intensely. She is toying with my idea, biting her lip and switching her weight to the side.
“All right—you want to talk, then talk,” she replies, then turns around and continues walking.
I catch up with her, massaging my neck, thinking about where should I start. It’s been so long since we had a heart-to-heart conversation. I hurt her; then we fought. It took me a long time to understand her pain.
“How are your mum and Josephine?”
The corners of her lips lift in a smile. “They are great. I told Mum that I started seeing Russell. I don’t think she was too happy, but hey, in the end it’s my life.”
Her answer knocks the air out of my lungs, but I manage to stay calm, pushing my rage back. India cannot see me losing it again. She’s right. I had my chance, but I was too stupid to notice her new self.
“It’s good to hear it. I’ve been trying to sort things with my mother. She’s doing good, seeing a new guy, and she started a new job in a car dealership,” I explain with crackly voice. “We had a serious conversation about the past—about you and everything really. Things are better.”
India looks surprised, glancing at me. We are walking slowly, moving away from the barn.
“You talked about me?” she asks quietly.
I inhale the scent of her perfume. “I found out that you saved her life, India, when I moved away. If it weren’t for you I think she wouldn’t be here today,” I say. “Thank you for being there for her when I wasn’t.”
India drops her head down for a brief moment. Then she looks back at me, and the frustration that had been there just a moment ago is gone.
“I felt guilty for treating you the way I did. Your mum was alone and we grew closer when you left. That night when I found her on the sofa, I… I was ready to talk to you about that night at the party. I packed my bag and was ready to visit you, but—”
Her words are crushing me down; love and frustration rush though my veins. Without hesitation I bring her back to my chest and hug her. For a split second I sense that she wants to push me away, but then she settles. It’s so fucking amazing to feel her close to me again.
“I’m sorry, India,” I finally say, letting go of her. Her breathing is rigid and she looks startled, smoothing her caramel hair nervously. “I can’t believe that I was so blind. What that bastard did to you… at the party, it was sick and disgusting.”
“It’s the past. We’ve both moved on; there is no point bringing this back,” she whispers. “But I always wondered… why didn’t you meet me at the party like we planned—you know, the night when Christian died?”
I’m caught off guard, trying to gather my thoughts from all those years ago. I should have explained myself when I had a chance; now this whole story will sound unbelievable, but I owe it to her. Fuck, I didn’t expect her to ask me these stabbing questions, but this is my chance.
I look at her, breathing loudly. I felt like an idiot all those years ago, but she needs to know. I go ahead and tell her what happened that evening when Christian died. Minutes fly by and India’s face changes. It’s obvious that she can’t put together all the facts, shaking her head as her body trembles viciously. It takes me a really long time to calm her down. It looks like we didn’t see what kind of psycho my brother had become, but I should have done more to protect her. I should have figured thi
s out long before everything fell apart.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t give you a chance to explain,” she says with breaking voice.
“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry too that I hurt you and humiliated you. Sometimes I can’t control what I do.”
“Russell has been there for me and I’m not planning to break up with him for you. It’s been tough for me.”
“India, listen, I get it. Let me just be your friend.”
“Oliver, just give me some time.”
I run my hands through my hair. This is the first honest conversation that we’ve had and I don’t want to wait anymore. Finally I look at her.
“Yeah, I get it. You need time. But I’m glad that we talked and cleared the air,” I add, trying to breathe normally, but she is standing so close it’s causing an eruption of desire in my stomach.
“All right, let’s walk back. Dora is probably freaking out.”
We don’t say anything to each other until we reach the party. I don’t want to push my chances, so I leave her alone. The music is loud and my head is fucked up. I don’t know what is happening to me for the rest of the night. I feel like I’m living in a dream and that the brief encounter with India under the stars happened in my imagination. My mind keeps telling me that all these small steps will be worth the effort in the end, but I want her be mine now. I don’t see India for the rest of the night, so I drink.
At some point Dora catches up with me, but I tell her to go away. There is some progress, but I miss India so much that it hurts. Some guys are drinking tequila around midnight so I join in, feeling like the ache in my heart won’t heal until I have her in my arms again.
Chapter Twenty-one
The whole truth.
All About Me Page 14