by A. J. Moran
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The nerves churned in my stomach as I waited for Vee to show up. The minutes felt like they were moving through time in slow motion. I just need to get this over with. Everything would be better soon. Maybe. As the gates swung open I picked up my purse and got to my feet. No use wasting time.
I pulled her car door open as she came to a stop next to the stairs. “Hey, took you long enough.” I smiled as I climbed in and buckled up.
“Wow. You must be really looking forward to shopping. Were you really waiting outside for me?” Vee laughed and put the car back in drive.
“I was.” The nerves in my stomach had escalated and I felt like I was going to throw up. This was Vee though. I could talk to her about anything.
“So, what’s up?” She cocked an eyebrow as she glanced over at me before turning out of my driveway towards the mall. “Are you and Marcus okay?”
My throat felt like it was going to close up so I shrugged and glanced out the window. This was going to be way harder than I thought. She would understand. She had too. She has been my best friend forever. This one little thing, which had turned into a monster, wouldn’t break us.
“Taylor, you are freaking me out. Are you okay? Why are you crying?”
I was not crying. Raising my hand I swiped at my cheeks only to find the moisture from my tears coating them. Well, so much for keeping it together. “I’m fine. It’s okay. Can we just listen to music for a minute?” Why was telling her so hard? She wasn’t going to hate me. Right?
Instead she pulled the car off into an office parking lot and turned towards me after she parked. “If he has done something to hurt you—” She trailed off as I shook my head no at her.
“It’s not that—Well not really.” I tried to explain. I could have put an end to his little game right when it started. Instead I had gone along with it. It had been my choice to lie to my friends. He hadn’t twisted my arm into doing it. “I need to tell you something. And you might not like it.”
“Omg are you pregnant?” Her eyes went big as she watched my reaction.
“Uh, no.” I laughed. That was crazy, you had to be doing stuff to be pregnant and I hadn’t done that in months. Even if the rumors insisted I had.
“Okay, then what?” Her eyes traveled over my face trying to read what I haven’t said yet.
“I-“ My mouth opened to tell her and the words lodged in my throat, my mouth drying up. I felt like I was going to drown in them. “I—Uh—” Why was this so hard? With a shake of my head I looked back at Veronica, my best friend since that day on the playground, I could do this.
“Tay you are scaring me.”
“I’m sorry. This is just really hard to say.” I tried to explain as I pushed some stray hairs behind my ear and then tangled my hands together with nerves.
“There is nothing you could tell me that would change us. You know that right?” She whispered, leaning forward, her hand covering mine.
“Don’t be so understanding.” I cried. The waterworks are really starting to turn on now, I was going to be a sobbing snotty mess if I didn’t get it under control soon. My breath hitched, “I’ve been lying to you.” The words tumbled out of my mouth coming from a dark place inside. I instantly closed my mouth and held it shut with my teeth as I watched her eyes widen even more and her back straightened as she pulled back.
“What do you mean?” Her words came out calm, but I could tell she was on edge. “About what? Why would you need to lie to me?”
Now that I had gotten part of it out I wasn’t sure how to say the rest. I looked at her begging her to understand. Trying to find words to make her understand. I swiped at the tears trying to push them away.
“I’ve been lying about Marcus. About Wade.” I paused dragging in a deep breath, trying to find the courage to explain just how big of a lie it had been. “For months.” I gripped my fingers together and ducked my head unable to look at her reaction.
“I think I missed something… are you cheating on Marcus with his brother? That is messed up.”
“What? No!” I was shocked she didn’t get it. But why would she? I hadn’t exactly told her what the lie has been.
“Okay—” She trailed off and I finally looked back up at her. She was confused, but not angry yet.
“You remember when I told you my dad moved on?”
“Yeah, but how does that connect to this?”
“He moved on with Marcus and Wade’s mom. They are living in my house. They’ve been living in my house since two days before they showed up at school. I pretended not to know them because I was just so mad about the whole thing at first. Then I didn’t know how to tell anyone. The lie just kept growing.” The words just kept tumbling out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop them now that they started. “I just didn’t know how to stop it.”
“Wait a minute.” She held up a hand and took a deep breath. “You are trying to tell me that you’ve been lying to everyone since the school year started. That you couldn’t talk to me about it?” The hurt in her eyes pushed even more tears from me.
“I’m sorry.” I choked the apology out, knowing it wasn’t enough. Knowing I wasn’t done yet. “I tried to tell you. But then I just made a bigger mess.”
“You’re sorry?” She said the words like they were a foreign language. “What do you mean bigger mess?”
“It’s not real.” I told her, my heart breaking at the truth of it. “Marcus and me. It’s fake. But I am going to end it.”
“I don’t think I’m following.” Her hand was back up again. “Why would you be in a fake relationship with him? How would that even happen?”
“I don’t know.” I couldn’t even explain it to myself. How could I explain to my best friend that I had lied to her and I didn’t even know why? “It was like a challenge. He is so arrogant and frustrating and it just happened. The day I was going to tell all of you the truth he just pulled me into this fake relationship and I felt like I had to do it. I felt like I had to go along with it, so that people wouldn’t think I was a horrible person. I was just going to go along with it until he ended it. But he hasn’t yet and I’m so confused. Like I said, I need to do it.”
It sounded so dumb now. Why would it even matter if people thought I was a horrible person? My friends wouldn’t have thought that. They would have known it wasn’t true.
“I don’t even know where to start.” Vee looked away from me and out the windshield. The sun glinted off of her dashboard and bathed her face in light. She was angry and sad. I had done that. Guilt filled my chest and I held back more tears from coming.
“I’m so sorry.” I repeated my apology. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
“Tay you keep saying that. But you’ve been lying for months. I mean I can almost understand why you would lie about them living in your house. It was a huge change. And with your mom—” She looked back at me before continuing, “it had to be hard. I wish you had talked to me. I know I’ve been busy with my girlfriend, but I would have made time for you. You are my best friend. But this relationship thing, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. It doesn’t even make sense. You’ve never cared what people think of you. So I call bullshit.”
Shaking my head I stayed silent. It wasn’t bullshit. That’s why I did it. Right?
“Look, I’m just saying, that’s not you. I may be pissed right now, but I still know you and you have feelings for him. I can see it when you are around him. You’re not that good of an actor. You may be able to hide things because you don’t talk about them but you have never been able to fake emotions. So maybe you have been lying to yourself too? I don’t think you should end it.”
“I—no I haven’t.” I shook my head in denial. “It is all fake. Ending it is the only choice.”
“Look, you need to stop lying to everyone. Yourself included.”
“Are you going to forgive me?”
“Is that a real question?” She looked at me like I was crazy. “Yeah, I’m goi
ng to forgive you. I may be hurt and pissed right now, but you are my best friend, I just wish you had told me from the start. I hate that you have gone through all of this on your own.”
Some of the vice grip on my chest eased at her words and I felt a tentative smile spread across my face. It was going to be okay. I could finally see a bit of the sun through the clouds that had blanketed my life.
“But you really need to admit to your feelings for Marcus.” She said a wicked smile spreading across her lips. “Which I suspect is the whole reason you even told me now. So what happened?”
“Just like that?” I asked. I knew she was still mad but she was still willing to support me. I don’t know what I ever did to get such an amazingly supportive best friend.
“Yes, just like that.” She smiled again. “Now spill.”
With a sigh I leaned back in the seat. “I kissed him.”
“Um, yeah I’ve been there when you’ve kissed him.” She laughed at me, a grin spreading across her face.
“No, I kissed him and used someone coming as an excuse to do it. I wanted to kiss him. I don’t know why. We were semi arguing about people thinking we were sleeping together and he did this thing where he was kissing my knuckles and I think he was doing it to get under my skin. But then the footsteps happened and I kissed him.” I let out a breath. “And then Miller made a rude comment about me and Marcus was going to fight him over it, but I pulled him back. It was all part of the act. I’m sure it was. He said it was. I just thought it was kind of great that he stood up for me like that, even if it was fake.”
“Oh you’ve got it worse than I thought.” Vee shook her head in mock sadness. “Are you sure he isn’t into you too?”
“He isn’t and I’m not either. I just like how he kisses. That’s it.” Dropping my head back against the seat I let out a sigh. This was a mess.
“Right.” Her tone was full of sarcasm. “You just keep telling yourself that. I mean you’ve been lying to everyone else anyway, so what does it matter?”
“I said I was sorry.”
“Yeah, I know.” She looked away from me again. “It is just going to take me a little to accept it. Are you telling the others? I assume no, since I’m the only one here right now.”
“I will… eventually.” The look she shot me made my guilt flare up. “I’m just not ready for everyone to know. Besides they are going to find out soon.”
“Why? What are you afraid of?” She leaned back against the door, her arms crossed and facing me. She was clearly judging me and I couldn’t blame her, I’d be doing the same thing in her position. With a sigh she uncrossed her arms, “Okay, so I can see you aren’t going to answer me. So why tell me?”
I wanted to say it was because she was my best friend. But if that were the answer she would have known a long time ago. Playing with my nails I kept my eyes focused on my hands. She was my best friend. At first it was fear, but it had grown into shame at some point. My perfect life with my perfect mom and dad was officially gone. I knew that when my mom died. But the full impact of it hadn’t happened until my dad had really moved on. I was ashamed that he had moved on so quickly.
It was like my mom didn’t mean anything. Like we didn’t mean anything to him. And if I didn’t mean anything to my dad, then did I mean anything to anyone? I hadn’t wanted to lose her too. I didn’t want her to know that my life wasn’t perfect. It was irrational, I knew that, but it was still what I felt. But I had told her now because I needed my friend. I had probably needed her all along.
“I needed you to know.”
“Okay—So if you aren’t willing to admit to yourself or me that you have a thing for Marcus, what is it that you want me to do?”
“I am just really confused. I need to break it off but I don’t know how.”
“Want me to do it for you? I could pass him a note in the hallway.” She was referring to how I broke up with Brian in the 7th grade. I had written him a note to break up with him and Vee had given it to him between 4th and 5th hour.
“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” I shook my head at the memory. I had been so awkward back then. He had been my first real boyfriend, although, I never saw him outside of school and we hadn’t really done much communicating besides on snapchat and that was not really a great mode of communicating.
“What if you make him fall for you? We could do that.” She perked up a plan clearly forming as she spoke. “You could be everything that he wanted. You could make it real.”
“Now I think you’ve lost it. We are talking about Marcus Frost here, he has a different girl hanging on him daily.”
“That was before you. He hasn’t done that since he announced he was dating you.” She became more animated with her excitement.
“Why would I want to do that?” I asked while trying to contain the butterflies in my stomach. What could I say her excitement was contagious?
“Because then you would be in control! You want more? Then you’d have it. You want to end it? The whole thing would be your decision.” She was so excited that she was forgetting that I said that he was supposed to break up with me. Well until recently when I just threw in the towel.
“Vee, he is supposed to break up with me, remember? Not the other way around.”
“No, you aren’t getting it. This is about you and him, not everyone else. Don’t worry about everybody else. If he gets hurt then he deserved it for messing with you. You know?”
She was right. It was about us. Worrying about how everyone else will see me is crazy. “So, what do I do?”
Chapter 36
Marcus
“A date night?” I asked Taylor, completely thrown off. I leaned back on the counter, the two of us alone in the kitchen for once.
“Well yeah. You want people to actually believe this right?” She popped the tab on a coca cola and turned to pull a knife out of the drawer to cut a slice of pie. The girl really did love her sweets. Mario knew her well. “Want a slice?” She gestured to the pie with the knife.
Again her question hit me as off. What was she doing? Yeah it was just a slice of pie but she was offering it to me. No trace of snark. No sarcasm.
“Is that a no? Or--?” She trailed off a smile on her lips. “I mean we covered the fact that you like to eat pretty early in our relationship.” Her teasing words lit up her eyes as she looked back to the pie and cut two slices and put one onto a plate that she pushed in my direction.
With a slight nod and a reluctant grin tugging at my lips I picked up the offered plate and took a bite of the pie. As I slowly ate the bite I watched her trying to read her mood. Where the request for a date night came from? Where did the almost offer of a truce with the slice of pie come from? It was throwing me off.
“So date night or no?” She looked up at me through her lashes with a coy smile on her face. It was out of place Taylor didn’t do coy. Was she trying to flirt with me? No, that was a crazy thought. I had to turn this around.
Deflect. Detach.
Reaching an arm towards her I let my fingers graze her exposed arm, “We could stay in. I can think of a lot of things we could do here instead.” I replied as I moved closer to her, my voice a low rasp.
Her teeth clamped onto her lower lip as she averted her eyes from mine. I thought I saw a spark of something in them before she shielded them from me. I watched and waited for her to retreat. She always retreated when I said inappropriate things to her. Instead she turned towards me and her nails lightly ran down my bicep, she released her lip and stepped closer. My breath caught in my throat waiting for her response. She went up to her toes and leaned closer, her breath ghosting across my lips, my eyes fell closed.
“You’re not ready for that.” She whispered before backing away from me.
Checkmate. The breath I was holding in rushed out.
“What if I was?” I asked to see her reaction. Curiosity coursed through my veins.
“Let’s start with something a little milder, like an actual date.” She laughed an
d leaned against the counter opposite me.
“What are you up to Taylor? Didn’t you want to end this yesterday?” I mirrored her stance and crossed my arms across my chest. I didn’t really want to bring up ending it but I was confused.
“You mean I can’t want a date with my ‘boyfriend?’” She did air quotes and cocked her head in challenge. Was she really going to ignore my other question?
“If I were your boyfriend sure.” There was no need to pretend when it was just the two of us. Besides her words stirred something inside me, made me want things that were not possible.
Sighing, she pushed away from the counter. “Forget it.”
Was that disappointment? Before she could slip from the room I reached out and pulled her back.
“Okay, we can.” I paused and gauged her reaction before releasing her wrist. “What do you want to do?”
“Vee mentioned doing a double date with us.” She smiled.
“Oh.” I couldn’t help the disappointment that filled me. Which was stupid. “Yeah, sounds good. When?”
“Tonight.”
Tonight? “What are we going to do?”
“You’ll see. We are picking them up at Vee’s around 7pm.” She turned to go before stopping and slightly turning back to me. “Wear comfortable shoes.” She smirked and then left me standing there, trying to guess what we were doing.
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At 6:30 I was ready and pacing near the front door. It was stupid of me to be so nervous for a fake date. If Wade were home he would be giving me hell. The sound of soft footfalls on the stairs turned me around. She was in a pair of black jeans and a simple black t-shirt. A pair of black sneakers with black laces topped off her all black look.
“Was I supposed to wear black too?”
She looked me up and down and a smile lit up her face. “You are fine. Ready?” She asked as she grabbed her purse and keys from the entryway table. She was being too nice. Something was up. She was probably going to leave me in the middle of nowhere tonight. Yet I couldn’t help but follow her out of the house.