by A. J. Moran
“It's not about my mom.” I pause, “it is a guy problem.”
I watch as his Adam's apple bobs up and down with his swallow before he replies. “Well, you can talk to me about that too. What are friends for?” He smiles but doesn't look at me.
Thank God. He would have probably thought I was going to puke in his truck. I felt like I was going to puke. But maybe I could talk it through with him. I didn't have to mention names. I could see what he thought of the situation.
“Okay, there is this guy and I-” and I what? This was way too complicated. I hadn't even really talked to my therapist about my feelings for Marcus. How could I even think of talking to him about it?
“Yeah, I got that part when you said guy problems.” He chuckled but it sounded weird like maybe he was getting sick or something. “Does he know you exist?”
I can't help the laugh that comes out. It sounds a bit desperate. “Uh, yeah. But maybe not in the way I know he exists, you know?”
“Do I know him?”
“Uh, I don't know.” Yes, yes you do, it's you. I wish I could just spit those words out. But even the thought of them coming out of my mouth made my throat close up in fear.
“Who is he?”
“That's not really important.” I suck in a breath and shake my head to clear it. “The thing is, I like him but I don't know how to tell him. Or even how to tell if he likes me, like that at least.”
“So you are friends?” He quirks his eyebrow up a half smile on his face. We were finally parked in front of Joe's, but neither of us were making a move to exit the truck. Turning towards him I pulled my leg up between us to get comfortable, it was best to have this conversation away from anyone that might hear. He mirrors my movements and leans back onto the door. “Have you tried just talking to him? Or asking him how he feels?”
I choke on a laugh and shake my head. “That would be a no. It is complicated. I can't really just say it. It would ruin everything if he didn't feel the same.”
Marcus seems to lean back further and rubs at his neck. He avoids my eyes and my stomach sinks, has he guessed? Did I ruin everything?
“I mean I would rather keep him as a friend, if I can't have him as anything else.” I blurt the words trying to cover up my rising panic.
“I get that feeling.” He replies, finally looking up at me. His fingers tap along the back of the bench seat and I can tell he is going to say something else. “I've been in that position before. It sucks.”
“Yeah? What did you do?” I couldn't help the curiosity that filled me with his words. Who was this other girl that he felt that way about? It was probably someone from his other school. Maybe it was why he jumped from girl to girl. Although, lately he hadn't done that. At least not around me.
“I made myself her friend. I accepted what she offered and didn't push the issue.” He shrugs like it isn't a big deal but my heart and head didn't like that answer. That meant just being a friend to him. It meant watching him fall in love with someone else. To maybe have a family someday with someone else. It wasn't like I could get away from it with our parents being so in love. We would be at every single family event together and that sounded like pure torture.
“But I think you should just tell him. You deserve to be happy and if he could make you happy I want you to be.” He shakes his head slightly before changing his words, “I mean- you should be happy in life.”
“Thanks for the advice.” I force a laugh and turn towards the door indicating that I was done with the talk. All the while my heart was screaming at me to just tell him. Good thing my head was in charge right now, at least one part of my body knew what the smart thing was to do.
He climbs out and meets me around the front of the truck before saying, “You can practice on me. If you think it would help.” A slight blush is on his cheekbones and I can't tell if he was just windburned or cold or something. Maybe he really was coming down with something.
“Don't you think that would be weird?” The words come out and I can barely hear them over the galloping of my heart. I was feeling a little lightheaded.
His hand wrapped around my arm to steady me as I literally trip over the step into Joe's. “Whoa, are you okay? You look a little pale. It was just a suggestion, you don't have to use me as a guinea pig.”
“No, maybe it's a good idea.” Again the words were drowned out by my heart. Could I really just sit across from him and tell him how I felt? Passing out was feeling like a real possibility but I wasn't sure I could pass up this opportunity. I may never be able to really tell him, but I could do this when he thought it was pretend.
“It is?” He sounds shocked.
“Yeah, imagine that. You have good ideas sometimes.” I try to joke as I slide into the booth. It's become our booth. Well, our booth, plus Wade that is.
“Well, good. Let's do this then.” He smirks and starts rolling up his sleeves like he is getting ready to get down to business. “I'll even play along. We can act it out. It will be like old times.”
I snort and shake my head, “are you sure that is a good idea?” It was not a good idea. Nope. I could feel it. Before he can answer the waitress is at our table asking for our drink order. It gives me a minute to adjust to the idea.
“Only if you want to.” He leans back and smiles his drop your panties smile. My mind forever lived in the gutter around him, even if he didn't see me that way. It was not his fault really. It wasn't like he did anything to put me there. Nope it was all me. “I'm not one to make a lady do anything she doesn't want to do.” Or maybe it was partly him.
“So you've said before.” I laugh. “So, are you going to react both good and bad? How is this going to work?”
He rubs his hands together and lowers his voice, “I don't know. I'm just going to do what I feel. Total improv.”
“Don't you think you are a little too excited?” My nerves feel raw. I was really going to do this. Well, kinda. As close as I probably would ever get.
“Just lay it on me babe. Tell me how you feel.”
Unwrapping my straw that was just dropped onto the table in front of us I throw the wrapper at him and roll my eyes. “How am I supposed to take you seriously if you are acting goofy?”
“Oh, so serious?” He folds his hands in front of him on the table and straightens his shoulders. “What have you brought me here to tell me today Taylor? Wait, does he call you Taylor?”
“Uh- It doesn't matter.” I swallow. Usually you call me princess, even now. “Just act natural. Like you would act if it was happening to you.” When his face falls into one of his smiles I feel myself melting. I would remember this conversation for the rest of my life. Even if it was one hundred percent fake on his end.
“Alright, princess, what do you want to tell me?” He leans forward like he is really going to listen to what I have to say. Like he is invested in every word I'm going to speak.
“Wait-” I hold up my hand. “Is it okay if I just use your name? To make it more natural?” I could feel my hands shaking with nerves and my stomach was filled with butterflies.
“Whatever you need to do to get this off your chest.” He looks down briefly and his smile falls slightly. A look I can't read passes on his face before the smile is firmly back in place. He was probably getting bored. Even if he was a friend. Guy friends didn't normally want to do the girl talk thing. It had to be boring for him.
“If you are bored, you don't have to do this. It was a nice offer but I won't hold you to it.” I add a smile and meet his gaze.
“Taylor, let's just do this.” He reaches across the table and grasps my hands. I look down and take in his larger hands holding onto mine and my heart beats just a tiny bit faster.
“Okay.” I remove one of my hands and push a stray hair behind my ear. I look up at him and he gives me an encouraging nod. “Marcus, I have feelings for you.”
“Do you?” He asks. His head cocked to the side like he was really asking me that question.
“Yes. I-
uh-” I suck in a lung full of air and look down at the table unable to hold his intense gaze. “I don't know when they started. But I don't want to be just friends anymore.”
“Me either.” He whispers and his eyes drop to my lips making my stomach dip. “I feel the same way about you. I can't do the friends thing. I tried so hard. I can't do it now though.”
I was struck silent as I watched him. I could feel the tears making themselves known behind my eyes. He was good at this pretending. “I-I can't either. I think I have fallen in love with you. I know it's complicated and probably impossible. But-”
“No buts princess,” his fingertip landed on my lips, shushing me. “You are the only one I see. There is no one else for me. You're it.” His words draw me in and I find myself leaning towards him across the table. I watch as he leans in more towards me, my gaze dips to his lips and I watch them part slightly to say more.
I am jarred violently from the moment at the sound of my milkshake being dropped to the table. We jump apart to our respective sides of the table and I try to give my attention to the waitress. I think Marcus rubs at his neck but I can't really focus on anything with my heart in my throat.
“Here's your milkshake.” The waitress says her voice is bored. A crazy contrast to the burning of my cheeks and the lightness of my head. I was the opposite of bored. I was hot and embarrassed. I had been drawn into his act. It almost ruined everything.
Chapter 49
Marcus
That was probably the stupidest thing I had ever done. If Wade had been with us he would have never let me live it down. How could I have spilled everything to Taylor? Her words were everything I had been hoping to hear from her for the past month. They were sweet and meaningful and not meant for me at all. It hadn't taken much before I was in too deep and almost kissed her. She would have freaked.
Clenching my fist under the table I tried to keep smiling like nothing life changing had almost happened. I was jealous of a nameless, faceless guy that was lucky enough to catch her attention. He was an idiot if he friend-zoned her. I would tell him if I knew who he was. I wasn't lying when I told her I wanted her to be happy. Even if it wasn't with me.
“Want to try again?” I ask into the almost awkward silence that had fallen after my almost stellar fuck up. I held in my groan at my stupid question. What was I thinking? I wasn't, that was the problem. I could not do that again.
“Uh, no. I think I got it, uh, figured out. Thanks.” She smiles slightly, a pink tint to her cheeks that made her look beautiful. She holds out the extra spoon the waitress brought and raises her eyebrows, “You want some?”
If she only knew. Swallowing I took the offered spoon and dipped it into her milkshake and then shoved it into my mouth before I said something stupid.
“Are you going to tell him?” The sick part of my brain wanted to know the answer to that more than it wanted air. It was like I was craving a punishment for liking her. I would be better off just pounding my head against the table.
“Yeah, no.” She shakes her head and looks like she is really enjoying her milkshake. What is she even doing to that spoon? A groan almost slipped out and I wanted to kick myself.
“Yeah, no? Is that a yes or a no?” Focus.
“No. I don't want to risk it.”
“You are worth the risk.”
“I'm what?” She asks, clearly confused. I blame her tongue and that stupid spoon. Totally not thinking with the right part when I said that.
“I meant don't you think it's worth the risk?” Better.
“I mean, if it went the way you pretended it could go yeah, but the likelihood of it going that route is pretty slim.” She shrugs her shoulders and leans onto the table on her elbows. “You were pretty convincing though.”
“Um, thanks. Maybe acting is in my future.” Is it possible for your heart to drop out of your chest? I'm positive that it did just that when she smiled and patted my hand like it was no big deal. While sparks ran up my arm and zipped through my body leaving me on edge. By a simple touch. I was pathetic.
“So, what do you think Wade is doing?”
Subject change? I could do that. “Probably some chick he met.” At Taylor's look I knew I said something I shouldn't have if looks could kill hers would have. “What, it is my brother we are talking about.” I laugh. At least this was familiar territory. No stumbling my way through this conversation.
“He isn't like that. He's not really like you. He tries to pretend he is but he isn't.” Okay, that hurt. She was calling me a man whore.
“Hey! That hurts. I am not a man whore.” I clench at my heart like she had tried to rip it out with her words. Not far from the truth.
“Maybe not for the last few weeks.” She admitted looking up at me from under her eyelashes. Was she flirting? At least she had noticed.
“You really know how to hurt a guy, princess.” I pretend to wipe a tear away but I can't keep the grin off of my face.
“How did we start talking about you?” She laughed.
“How can you not talk about me? I'm the best in case you missed that fact.”
“Oh no I noticed,” she paused, “that you have the biggest ego of anyone I have ever met.”
“That's not even the biggest part of me.” I wink at her with a smirk. Why could I say things like that but I couldn't tell her how I really felt? “Just ignore that comment.”
“Don't worry I already did.” She laughs again and tosses one of her onion rings at me. “You have such a foul mouth for such a pretty boy.”
“You think I'm pretty?” I lean forward and run my hand along my jawline. “You aren't helping the ego issue if I'm being honest.”
“I'm not sure there is any help for your ego at this point.” She leans forward on her elbows and taps my nose lightly. I wouldn't take much to close the distance and with that thought my eyes drift down to her lips. Her pink tongue darts out and wets them so that they glimmer in the light. She was trying to kill me.
Clearing my throat I back up and plaster my back onto the back of my seat. “So, what do you think of the camping trip we are supposed to go on tomorrow?”
“My mom used to love camping in the fall. I loved it too. That moment in time where the air is crisp and the fires feel nice and the leaves crunch under your feet. The movies on the grassy hill underneath the stars with popcorn from the little stand. I think I've missed it.” Her smile is contagious even if she feels a little far away. She seems to shake herself out of whatever thoughts had gripped her and looked up at me again. “I'm glad we are going and we get to show you all how amazing it is.”
“Yeah, me too.”
◆◆◆
“That's everything. You guys can go explore the campground. Taylor, maybe you can show them where the movie is being set up. Don't forget the blankets for the ground. It is only about a half hour until it starts.” Dan tells us and gestures to the cabin door. He doesn't have to tell me twice. I needed to stretch my legs. The drive here alone was so long and to be cramped in the backseat with my brother and Taylor had made me a little too tense.
As soon as we are out of the cabin Wade says, “I've got something to do. I'll catch up to you guys.” That was the second time in two days he had something to do without anyone else. Was he getting messed up in drugs? Maybe I should follow him.
“The outdoor theater is down that path to the right.” Taylor points at a path that was fully paved and probably large enough to have three bikes riding next to each other. “We will meet you there.” She folds the blanket she had grabbed over her arm and nods in that direction indicating that I should follow her.
As we enter the pathway she sighs a happy sound and I can't help the smile that spreads across my face. I had been thinking about it since yesterday and I decided that I was going to tell her how I felt. Like really tell her, not just the whole pretend thing she thinks we did. Maybe without Wade around it would be best. He wasn't the best wing man for me lately anyways.
We walk in
a comfortable silence in the falling dusk. It was only five o'clock but it got dark super early now. The path opened up to a large field that sloped downwards to a large flat wall that I supposed the movie played on. On the right side of the wall was a small red building that had a flashing hot popcorn sign in the window. There were a lot more people dotted around the area than I had expected. Most were bundled up in not only their winter gear but extra blankets and it explained the large bundle that Taylor still had in her arms.
“Where do you want to sit?” She looks over to me as we come to a stop near the top of the hill.
“We can sit closer to the top so we have a good view.” And so no one is behind us. I pointed at a spot closer to the woods on the other side. It was already shadowed and darker than the rest of the area. It would be cozy.
She looks over at me and laughs, “don't want anyone to see you with me?” Oh crap she picked up on it being darker and secluded, well as much as it could be anyways.
“Definitely not why I picked that spot. If you don't like it, pick somewhere else.” I shrug. It wasn't like I couldn't tell her how I felt anywhere in this field. It didn't matter where we were.
“No, it's good. I was just teasing.” She says as she leads the way over to the spot I pointed at and then laid out one of the blankets she had brought. Then she tossed the others onto the blanket and faced me. “I'll go grab some popcorn.”
Was she acting strange? Did she know I was going to say something? No, it was probably all in my head. “Okay. I'll be here holding our spot.”
Shortly after she made her way down the hill to the popcorn stand a noise like a stick breaking sounds from the woods next to me. As the woods explode in loud noises stopping the silence that had fallen I stand up and face whatever is coming out. Foot falls and panting can be heard seconds before a small girl breaks from the darkness. She comes up short with a gasp as I study her.