by E. C. Land
When I get in my car, I can’t help but sit there for a minute, taking a deep breath before starting her up and pulling away. I don’t pay attention to the lone bike that pulled out behind me. I don’t even really pay attention to the road as I let the guilt of everything I allowed to happen takes hold of me. I feel as if I’m drowning in the depths of the ocean, unable to pull myself from the rip tides.
I continue to drive until I realize I’m heading to the same spot I’ve gone for the past five months. Finally parked, I shut the car off and reach into the glove box to grab my .22-gauge revolver. I never really thought about owning a gun but when I turned twenty-one, I found myself buying one. For this purpose, here. Turning the gun over in my hand, I take a breath before bringing it to my temple thinking maybe today is the day, I will end my hell.
Maybe today is the day that I will see you again.
2
Twister
“Fuck,” I murmur under my breath as I look up to see who just entered the bar— it’s fuckin’ Izzy. I hadn’t seen her in here in a few weeks. Every time I’m around, she seems to try to get away as quickly as she can. I don’t understand why considering I’ve already been in her pants and I’m hell-bent on getting back in them. I told myself that when we moved here, I wouldn’t fuck another woman until I fucked her again. Doesn’t mean I didn’t get my dick sucked, I’m a guy for fuck's sake— I need some sort of release.
As I keep my eyes on Izzy, it looks like she must have just gotten off work from the way she’s dressed. I silently thank Kenny for keeping my table clear of patrons as I have a damn good view right now of the woman I want to make mine. Fuck, where the hell did that thought come from? I’ve never wanted another woman like I do Izzy. Something about her has always drawn me to her.
I watch as she shifts talking to Kenny and my dick grows hard looking at the way her pants mold to an ass I want to grab. Hell, if I don’t get in that pussy of hers soon, I’m going to have the worst case of blue balls. Even if I get a clubwhore to suck me off it doesn’t satisfy me completely.
I’ve attempted several times over the past year to get back in her pussy, but Izzy has fought me every step when I try to get her to let me fuck her again. The woman had the fuckin’ nerve to tell me she doesn’t do repeats and that included me. I’d say it’s a damn good thing if it weren’t for the fact that I want her to have a repeat with me.
The first time I saw her was on my last visit before the big move. At first sight, I knew I wanted to fuck her. I didn’t know at the time she was my sister’s best friend and honestly, I don’t fuckin’ care. All I know is I want to fuck her again. Izzy is the only one that I’ve been with that can take me as I am without me having to hold back. I can take her any way I want when most women flip out.
I’m rough when it comes to sex. I don’t do tender, gentle touches. I love to wrap my hand around a woman’s throat. There’s something about the power I hold. They can barely breathe, but I never push down too hard to where they will pass out. Izzy, however, begged for it with nothing but her eyes. She had gotten off instantly when I brushed my fingers along her neck. When she lifted her head more, exposing her neck, I fuckin’ knew she was perfect for me.
Izzy must have felt my eyes on her from the way she starts looking around the room. When her eyes meet mine, they widen some before she turns back around. I’m sure she didn’t expect to see us here tonight. Usually, we party at the clubhouse on Friday nights but Demons Among Us are playing, so we all came out for the show.
Jace, the lead singer, had come to me earlier this week asking to become a prospect. He had been hanging around the club since we moved here, and the brothers all get along with him. But we gotta have a vote during church. I, for one, think he would be good for the club. Jace has talents that would come in handy. The man can slip in and out of the places without being seen. He’s like a fuckin’ shadow.
Shaking my thoughts, I keep my eyes on Izzy as she moves to stand, finishing the drink Kenny just placed in front of her. At Kenny’s frown when Izzy moves for the door, I make an instant decision to follow her, something's up— I can feel it. One, Izzy never comes in here still in the clothes she wore to work. Second, Kenny had mentioned how Izzy had been acting strange the last few months whenever she came in. It’s time to find out what she’s doing.
I ignore my brothers questioning looks as I get up without saying anything and head for the entrance, giving my sister a nod as I leave. Outside, I look around the lot, finding Izzy right away getting in her sexy as fuck car. I love a sports car but give me my bike any day. I don’t do cages unless I have to, even with how hot Izzy’s car is, I still don’t like being in them.
I frown as Izzy pulls out of the parking lot going in the opposite direction of her house. Where the fuck is she going? If she thinks she’s gonna get dick from someone other than me, she better think again. I’ve made it known around the bar she’s off limits to anyone but me even though she’s not mine. But until I have her under me again, I don’t want her fuckin’ anyone else.
I continue to follow her until she pulls down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Izzy stops at the end of the road; trees surround her on either side. I notice that this must be one of those roads made by the hunters in the area so they can get their trucks into the woods. In the quiet of the night, I’m surprised she doesn’t realize I’m behind her.
What the fuck? What the hell is going on? Why in the hell would she be out here?
Getting off my bike I make my way to the car when I realize she’s not getting out of it. As quietly as I can, I make my way to her door. Looking inside, I freeze at the sight of her holding a gun in her hand, slowly moving it toward her head.
Fuck me! I’m gonna beat her ass raw. Where in the hell did she get a gun?
Reaching for the handle, I throw her door open causing her to scream, pointing the gun in my direction.
“Babe, it’s me. What the fuck?” I yell throwing my hands up to my sides so she can see them.
“Twister?” she asks her voice filled with confusion.
“Yeah, babe, you wanna put that gun down and tell me what the fuck you were about to do with it?” I ask in a tone that holds no argument.
“No, I don’t want to tell you. Want to tell me why you fuckin’ followed me in the first place?” The sarcasm is laced with an undertone of sadness that I know she’s trying to hide.
“It’s a good thing I did fuckin’ follow you,” I hiss through my teeth as I wait for her to put down the gun.
“Jeez, don’t you have something better to do?”
“Put the gun down, babe, and tell me what you’re doing out here.”
“Just leave me alone, Twister. If I wanted company, I would have stayed at the damn bar,” Izzy says through clenched teeth as she looks from me to the gun. The look in her eyes gives her away when she has that shield down. She’s in pain and refuses to talk about it. I don’t even think Kenny knows about Izzy’s past.
I only know about it because of Gadget. After the shit that Lynsdey and Cleo went through, I had Gadget do a background check on all the girls that my sister hangs around. I know about the anniversary of Izzy’s brother’s death. How he was killed in an accident six years ago. I’ve seen the newspaper clippings. The accident made the front page. There were other articles where her brother was said to be one of the best players on his baseball team in high school. There were even old Facebook pictures of the two of them, and you could see how close they were. I’m pretty sure no one else knows but Gadget and myself.
“Babe, you have thirty seconds to put that gun down and talk to me, or I’m gonna take it from you before taking you over my knee,” I tell her growing impatient with the fact she has a gun pointed at me.
Izzy takes a breath before lowering the gun, placing it on the passenger seat. The second she lifts her hand I move, dragging her out of the car. I’m pissed she pointed the gun at me but at the same time, I understand.
“Start talking, babe,�
� I tell her when she goes to pull out of my arms. Not fuckin’ happenin’. I just stopped her from doing something stupid.
“It’s none of your business what I was doing. Now, let go of me before I knee you in the nuts, you jerk.”
“Babe, not letting you go. I’m making you my business. Now, tell me the fuckin’ truth. Why were you out here in the middle of bum fuck Egypt with a gun,” I growl as I pull her flush against me. Fuck if she doesn’t feel good in my arms. I can even feel her nipples poking through her shirt, her breathing harsh.
“Why would I want to tell you about how I was finally going to swallow the bullet that I’ve pulled the trigger five times already to get to? Yeah, that’s right, big guy. For the past several months, I’ve played Russian Roulette with myself. Tonight would have been the end of all my pain. It was supposed to be the end of everything.”
“What the fuck, baby? Why the hell do you want to kill yourself? Babe, seriously, you have a family that fuckin’ love you. Tell me why?” I ask as my heart starts to beat faster than it already was. The anguish behind her words just about kill me. This beautiful woman wants to kill herself. Fuck, I wish I had figured out what she was doing sooner. Maybe I could’ve gotten her help instead of lusting for her from afar.
“Family? Ha, what family? The only real family I had died six years ago. He died because of me, Twister. I’m done with the pain I feel, it’s too fuckin’ much. I just want it all to end, that’s why. Now leave me the hell alone. I don’t need you or anyone else in my life telling me what I should do and how I should do it. I’m done pretending to be happy when I’m not. I’m fuckin’ done! I’ve dealt with the pain long enough. I want the suffering to end. That’s why!” she screams every word as tears stream down her cheeks. The sobs that choke her at the end does more than just kills me it. It annihilates me into a million pieces.
What do you say to someone that feels so lost in pain they’re completely hopeless?
I didn’t get to grieve my mom when we found out that she had been dead the entire time. I barely grieved my old man. He didn’t want that. He died because of another club. I know the feeling of grief and pain. It’s a feeling you have to overcome.
No one can get through it on their own. Everyone needs someone to have their back. I can’t let her do this. I need to help her.
“Babe, look at me.” I lift her chin forcing her to look me in the face. When I have her eyes, I wipe the tears that continue to trail down her cheeks. “I can’t let you do this to yourself. I know about your brother and it’s not your fault that he was taken from you and your family. You gotta let it go, baby. It’s past time you did. You say you don’t have family, but you do. The club is your family. The moment Kenny introduced you all to us, we all fell under your spell. Those boys would do anything for you. Me especially. You were there for my sister when she needed someone. Now, let us help you.”
“I-I-I don’t think I can. I just want to end it all. I’m tired,” Izzy whispers before looking away from me. Fuck this, I need to get her to want to live again. I don’t know why I fuckin’ care so much for this woman but I do. There’s a connection that I can’t explain when I’m around her and I know she feels it too.
I wrap my fingers tight in her hair, forcing her face upward just as I slam my lips down on hers. On her gasp, I slide my tongue into her mouth. I kiss her long and hard before lifting my lips from hers.
“You need to let me help you, baby, and I’ll save you. You’re drowning right now in the deep end. Don’t let the depths of grief and despair take you, just take my hand and I’ll bring you to the surface. Let me help you survive this,” I whisper against her lips before kissing her again. Letting her know I’m here for her.
I’ll help her until my last breath if need be. I didn’t know I needed someone as much as I need her until I saw that gun raising to her head, but I need her. Izzy may not realize it just yet, but I’m claiming her. She’s mine! And I’m not letting her fuckin’ go.
I just need to stop her from drowning and help her learn how to survive first.
3
Izzy
“You need to let me help you, baby, and I’ll save you. You’re drowning right now in the deep end. Don’t let the depths of grief and despair take you, just take my hand and I’ll bring you to the surface. Let me help you survive this,” Twister says against my lips. God the taste of him right now is what I want more than anything, but I don’t deserve it.
Twister thinks I can survive the grief consuming me, he wants to try and save me from drowning. Doesn’t he get that I’m beyond saving? I’m not worth the effort. What doesn’t he understand about me needing this escape? I crave the pain. It’s what I need to survive in this world, without it, I feel nothing more than the blame I’ve placed on myself for my brother’s death.
After so many years of suffering through grief, I want it all to end. That’s why I bought my little gun. I figured if I played Russian Roulette once a month, I would eventually end it all. The only difference in the game is I don’t spin the cylinder every time, I merely pull the trigger. I knew this time it would all end. If he hadn’t followed me, I would have taken that bullet.
Should I be thankful that he stopped me? Maybe, but right now I’m not.
I’m simply tired of it all. I’m done with pretending.
“How are you gonna help me? Send me to Stoney’s with Cleo? Put me in an institution for the mental? I don’t need help from you or the club. I don’t need anyone, I haven’t for a long time,” I tell him as I try to pull away from him yet again.
“Baby, don’t fuckin’ talk like that. I’m gonna help you learn to deal with the pain. You need to figure a way to overcome the grief you let overwhelm you. You’re gonna stay with me so I can keep an eye on you. We’ll get you in to talk to someone if you won’t talk to me, but I’ll be fuckin’ damned if I let you eat a goddamn bullet. You don’t want others to know what’s goin’ on, that’s fine with me. We’ll tell them you finally agreed to be my woman. They won’t know otherwise.” Twister gives me one of his famous smirks.
“And what? Do you think I’ll just let you fuck me when you need to get your dick wet? No thanks. I’ve told you plenty of times, I don’t do repeats,” I say sarcastically. Even though the thought of him going to one of those clubwhores sickens me. I shouldn’t feel that way regardless. I set my rules for a reason. I don’t deserve to be happy, and Twister is the only one I’ve come close to feeling any form of happiness with.
“Baby, if I wanna get my dick wet, as you put it, I’ll be sinking balls deep in that tight as fuck pussy of yours. With me being with you, I ain’t gonna worry about you trying to find some shriveled up dick that won’t be able to satisfy what only I can give you. And I can fuckin’ bet that you haven’t been able to find anyone to satisfy what you crave the most.” The way he thrust his hips into mine as he finishes his statement causes my body to quiver. It definitely craves him.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I—”
“That’s the problem, you think too fuckin’ much, babe. Just give me time to help you. I promise you won’t regret it,” he says, interrupting me.
“You don’t understand,” I whisper barely loud enough for him to hear me.
“Bullshit. I understand more than anyone the pain of losing someone. I lost my old man when I was about the same age as you were when you lost your brother. For the longest time, I was angry with my mom thinking she’d up and left us, leaving me to take care of Kenny. I only recently found out the truth— that she was killed by the same club. They didn’t just fuckin’ kill her, they beat the shit out of her and most likely raped her before killin’ her. So, baby, I get it.” I didn’t even know about his mom. Kenny had told me how her mom had abandoned her after her dad was killed. I don’t think she knows about her mom.
“Baby, we all go through some sort of pain in life. I’m telling ya, you need someone to help you and it’s past time for it. Let me do this. It's time you stop drowning and
start learning to live. Your brother would want you to live,” Twister says softly while running one of his hands through my hair soothingly.
I do feel like I’m drowning. I have been for a long time now. Since that night.
“Okay, I’ll let you help me,” I whisper, gaining a smile at my agreement.
“Good. Now, let’s get out of here. You’re gonna follow me to the clubhouse, we’re gonna go there for the night. Tomorrow, we’ll talk more about this shit.” Twister releases me before reaching into the driver’s side of my car. I watch as he grabs my gun before straightening.
“Fine, I’ll follow you.”
“Not happening, baby, I’ll follow you. What the fuck road are we on anyway? Did you have to come out to B-F-fuckin’-E?”
“Umm, it’s a dirt road off Blackwater, why?”
“You realize you kept driving for like thirty minutes before you stopped right?”
“No, I kinda zoned out.”
“Babe, seriously, you can’t be doing that shit. Your gonna end up wrecking your car. Come on, let’s get goin’.”
Getting back in my car, I take a deep breath before turning around to head for the clubhouse.
Am I doing the right thing letting Twister help me? It doesn’t feel like it right now; however, I want to say, I am.
Doesn’t take long before we pull up to the clubhouse. Parking my car, I keep my eyes on Twister as he maneuvers his bike where some of the others have theirs parked. I can’t take my eyes off him as he gets off and walks toward me. The man is sex on a stick with the way he walks. Twister keeps his eyes on me, and even in the dark, I can see the blue depth of his eyes.
I get out of the car just before he can open the door.
“Here we go, baby, let’s go to my room,” he says as he guides me inside to the main room of the clubhouse. I’ve come in here several times with Kenny but other than the day of her accident, I haven’t been here by myself.