Although I am not a scientist, I discovered that what we perceive as our universe is not the only universe. My observation of the “known” universe was that it is akin to one cherry among a bunch of cherries on a tree, in an orchard that continues indefinitely. The quantum world is a bardo of actuality and potential, moving to a cosmic law of nonlocal physics that requires both mystic wisdom and science in order to penetrate its secrets. It was obvious that there are quarks, atoms, planets, solar systems, galaxies, small, medium and major world systems, dark matter, and the totality of our conception of the physical universe, but the scale from micro to macro is without beginning or end. There is no singular point of creation because life and the universe are eternal, repeating a cycle that has no beginning or end. What appears as the beginning or creation, such as the big bang, is the phase that follows destruction that repeats the eternal cycle of formation, development, decline, and extinction. Furthermore, it was obvious that new universes were being born and dying constantly. Pulsing at the core of eternity, the universe, and the myriad forms of manifest life is Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, or the singular moment of beginning-less time.
In a billionth of a microsecond I fused with the light. I felt like a small boy finding his mother after being lost. There was no fear, only love, mercy, and indescribable fulfillment. I was on center stage with countless life forms and we were all part of the greater life. We were like probes returning to the home base to report our findings. I realized at once that what exists in the light is the merciful, loving parent, and we are its child.
The purpose of this book is healing. What I experienced in the afterlife is far beyond the scope of this writing and deserves its own full account. However, it is worthy of mention, to affirm that in the process of death, one truly does review one's own life in all its detail. That karmic review of one's true entity does not end with the life just experienced, but encompasses all previous incarnations as well.
When I had reached the zenith of my experience, a voice emerged from within me and said, “There is more to do, return.” At that moment, the light intensified and I awoke back into my pain-filled body and the drab isolation room. I blinked my eyes to adjust to the light. I noticed that it was 3:48 A.M., the exact time I had been born. My body temperature felt normal as if my fever had broken. Tears rolled down my cheeks without pause. I drank a glass of cool water and toasted life. In my heart, I knew that I had overcome cancer.
HOMEWARD BOUND
Two days after my near-death experience I had a CT scan to find out what was going on in my body. For the first time since my battle with cancer began, I felt that I was now healed and cancer free. The swelling of the lymph nodes on my neck and behind my ear had disappeared, and the doctors could find no other enlarged lymph nodes. The opinion of Dr. S. was that if the lymph nodes on the surface were shrinking, then the ones on the inside should also be responding. The only way to know for sure was with a CT scan.
Two days after the CT scan, a team of doctors came through my partially-closed door, surprising me. I was deeply involved in chanting, with tears streaming down my cheeks. They thought I was upset. Dr. B. calmed me down and said that she had some very good news. The CT scan results had come in and the x-rays showed I was now cancer free. When they left, I paced up and down the halls, all over the ward, saying “Hello” to every person I saw. Lynn was ecstatic on hearing the good news. The pressures of running our business, raising our daughter, and dealing with a dying loved one had been monumental.
Dr. B., the second-in-command for oncology at Hines V. A., was personally handling my care while Dr. S. vacationed in England. I was expected to remain in the hospital for at least two more weeks until my blood counts elevated to acceptable levels. I used that time to minister to the other cancer patients. I visited with them, listened to their problems, offered encouragement, and tried to teach chanting to those who were willing. In many cases, my efforts to get others to try chanting were futile. Most were already set in their ways and were unwilling to try Buddhist prayer and visualization. I became very frustrated after seeing dozens of people who had left their fate up to their doctors and God, somehow not seeing the need for their own spiritual efforts. Sobered and saddened at the never-ending spectacle of suffering on the cancer ward and my apparent inability to motivate more patients, I just wanted to get out of the hospital as soon as possible.
However, I was reminded of the Mystic Law's tremendous mercy and power when I visited Mr. Z., who was in the isolation room next to mine. He had advanced cancer of some kind, had taken a turn for the worse, and was unable to move a muscle. He just lay in bed, propped up and motionless, fitted with an oxygen mask, and fully conscious of his decline. He waited for death to take him. Mr. Z. could not speak and could only move his eyes. I sat with Mr. Z. several times over a two-day period, keeping him company, and trying to bring a little joy into his very difficult world. I told Mr. Z. that he had nothing to worry about. I taught him how to chant using the inner voice and told him he could release himself. I told him that prayer would help him along the way, and that there was nothing to fear. The last time I saw Mr. Z.—when I got up to leave—a tear ran down his cheek. I told him everything would be great and to hold onto his prayers and look for the heavenly light. That night, Mr. Z. passed away in his sleep.
After I was in the hospital for one full week, I learned from Doctor B. that it would take a minimum of five more days for my body to reach the required blood count levels that would allow me to safely leave the hospital. Due to my weakened immune system, being sent home too early would risk my having to return to the hospital with serious complications. The doctors said that I might not be so lucky the next time.
ACTUAL PROOF
It dawned on me that mantra-powered visualization could be used to raise my blood counts on command. With great determination, I told Dr. B. of my plan, and that I would be going home in two days. Dr. B. was a grand Indian woman of knowledge, dignity, and compassion. Being Hindu, culturally sophisticated, and well-versed in India's rich spiritual traditions, she totally understood the purpose of my Buddhist practice and what I wanted to do by focusing my mind's energies on my blood counts. She laughed and said, “If anyone can do this, it is you Mr. Atkins.” I had no doubt, either.
The isolation room had been like a crypt before. Now it was one of only a handful of private rooms on the ward. Being close to the nursing station, the isolation room represented the most critical cases. It was an environment I wanted to change immediately. I closed the door to drown out as much noise as possible and sat cross-legged on the bed with my hands pressed together before my chest in the prayer position. In a sonorous voice I slowly repeated Nam-myo-ho-ren-ge-kyo. I thought, “Brain! Don't you control the development of cells? Immune system! Do you not work harmoniously for the greater life? I want to leave this hospital in two days. Release your great powers and boost the immune system! I must leave the hospital! I want to go home! I must show actual proof!”
Myo was my head, Ho was my throat, Ren was my chest, Ge was my stomach, and Kyo was my legs and extremities. The whole issue was cause and effect. The Mystic Law was the ultimate internal cause and my prayer determined the manifest effect. Renge is literally translated to mean “lotus flower.” The lotus flower is the only flower known in botany to have the bloom and seeds appear simultaneously. Another definition of Renge is the Mystic Law of cause and effect. The effect is contained simultaneously within the cause. I kept reminding myself that my recovery was cause and effect . . . cause and effect . . . cause and effect.
Myo split the air like a sharp sword. From my chest emerged glorious, energetic streams of white healing light, surging up my spine to my head; all my cells were saturated with astral energies. It was impossible for any cell to disobey the command of my brain and my true inner spirit.
Ho, quaked my body as my inner eye watched the light flow grow brighter. In each cell the healing light was vibrantly living. Revitalization took place everywhere cells tr
aveled through my bloodstream and lymph system. Every cell in my body was being touched and renewed with dynamic, mystic energy.
Ren unfolded brilliantly in my chest like a magnificent blue lotus flower in full bloom. I imagined the aura encompassing my karma storehouse and amala consciousness as a transparent egg of golden light. I could see the soot-like stains on the egg, indicating bad karma to be erased. I imagined the light of my enlightened nature burning the spots off with lasers of spectral light, while the healing light flowing throughout my body further cleansed the stains with relentless energy.
Ge was a great chamber in my abdomen, fully accepting the radiant, healing light. All my organs came into focus and I emotionally thanked them. Possessed of their own distinct consciousness, they hailed the greater life victoriously. I focused the light to my spleen, which warehoused and processed blood products. “Spleen!” I shouted internally, “You are healed! Congratulations! Now join us and fulfill your great functions like never before!” Echoing in my mind was the concept cause and effect . . . cause and effect. . . cause and effect.
Kyo brought the whole visualization into focus as it filled out my arms and legs all the way to the surface of the skin. Energy leapt from my physical body like rising flames lapping the air. The mighty sound of Kyo reverberated from my hospital bed beyond the North Star. I knew that one day in the future, I would remember this moment and teach others to empower themselves from the inside out. I was determined to produce a positive result and go home.
With my door closed, I spent one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening performing my mantra-powered visualization. The next morning a phlebotomist came to draw my blood as they did every day. I continued my active visualization of healthy blood cells proliferating in my body. Three o'clock came around and I still didn't have the results from the lab. The nursing station manager had befriended me and called the results up from the computer. She looked at me with that “try, try again” look.
I had expected results too quickly, like some kind of miracle. That was not common sense. I shouldn't expect instant results, but the best results in the most natural manner. I made the determination that tomorrow would be that day. I had told Dr. B. “two days,” and that's what it would be. Returning to my room I felt like a determined boxer going to his corner for round two. Somehow I had to show actual proof.
Early that evening I was visited my Mr. M., a Japanese friend and confidant. I told him that I had experienced death, but couldn't explain it yet. In a most encouraging way Mr. M. related the story of Shijo Kingo and his infant daughter Kyo-o. Shijo Kingo was a samurai warrior and physician who lived in 13th-century Japan. He had been a disciple of Nichiren for many years. Late in Shijo Kingo's life, his wife Nichigen-nyo gave birth to a daughter. The child was sickly and not expected to survive. Even as a physician, Shijo Kingo could not cure his baby. Nichiren sent a letter to Shijo Kingo with the following words of encouragement:
But your faith alone will determine all these things. A sword is useless in the hands of a coward. The mighty sword of the Lotus Sutra must be wielded by one courageous in faith. Then one will be as strong as a demon armed with an iron staff. I, Nichiren, have inscribed my life in sumi ink, so believe in the Gohonzon with your whole heart. The Buddha's will is the Lotus Sutra, but the soul of Nichiren is nothing other than Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.2
The result of that guidance was a renewed determination by the parents to use the Mystic Law for the sake of their daughter, who then quickly recovered. Although the story of Shijo Kingo and his daughter is more than 700 years old, and took place in a country on the other side of the world, the lesson is timeless. Strong determination in faith, like a lioness on the hunt, and chanting could revitalize my life too. Nothing is more moving than a parent trying to save his or her child. Resolving his doubts, Shijo Kingo showed actual proof in a life-and-death situation. I had to return to my normal daily life and teach others how to win in their battle with illness.
Mr. M. clearly pointed out that I must believe with my whole heart and take powerful action. His encouragement at that crucial moment filled me with immense resolve. It is said that encouragement can cause people to achieve the impossible, while discouraging words can break a person's confidence and cause their ruin. With the encouragement of Mr. M. in my heart, I readied myself for that evening's crucial battle.
I waited until midnight, when few distracting sounds could interfere. Putting all my anatomical regions on notice, I spent the next hour performing highly focused visualization that centered on dynamic energy in my blood cells. When I finished, my heart felt as bright and clear as a brilliant Barley Moon. I rose an hour before my seven o'clock blood test and repeated the imagery. That day, I reminded the doctors caring for me that if my blood counts were normal, I could go home. They all agreed but were quite skeptical.
The test results were unbelievably slow on Saturday, and my regular attending physician had gone home. When the results came, the doctor in charge for the evening looked them over and handed it to the other doctor of his team. They weren't privy to my determination with Dr. B. nor were they very familiar with my case.
“You are free to go Mr. Atkins, we'll have the staff write up your papers, and I will sign them.” I asked them, “What are my blood counts? How good are they?” Glancing back at the numbers on the printout he said, “These counts are good. Your CBC is a little low, but not enough to keep you here any longer. Platelets are good. The others are fine. Go home, Mr. Atkins.”
I thanked them, and called Lynn to come pick me up. After I packed, I hounded the ward's desk nurse to expedite my discharge papers. I vowed to never be hospitalized for cancer again! It was now time to go home and face the IRS and bankruptcy court.
EVER VICTORIOUS
Once I got home, I had to prepare myself for another battle familiar to many people stricken by catastrophic illness. When my business creditors found out that I might be terminally ill, many called in their loans, which forced us into bankruptcy. Our business was saved, but our credit was destroyed. From then on, we would have to take care of all operational expenses and purchase all supplies with cash. It seemed like an impossible task.
The Internal Revenue Service had humiliated us by seizing our bank account twice, causing us to bounce checks all over town. We were living under the threat of immediate seizure of all our possessions. We didn't want the pity of the IRS, just some understanding and a little respect. We were willing to enter into a repayment program that we could afford. The IRS negotiated a repayment plan with us, but not without threatening us with swift seizure if we dared miss a payment. The woman who handled our case said she would send the federal marshals right away if I missed one payment. Out of necessity, my daughter had accompanied me to the IRS office for the review. She was so shaken by the woman's nastiness that when she got home, she put sticky notes on her dolls saying, “Please don't take this.”
By the time our bankruptcy court appearance came up, I had finished the fifth cycle of chemotherapy and had just taken my second-to-last treatment. I was so wobbly-legged and physically beaten, I could hardly sit through the process. Our request was granted with no complications. Now that the IRS had been temporarily appeased and we had a fresh start with our personal finances and business, I could concentrate on the final cycle of chemotherapy.
I had been randomized in my clinical trial and was scheduled for radiation therapy. The combination of chemotherapy and radiation was being proven to be the best approach in fighting advanced Hodgkin's lymphoma. Unfortunately it meant another assault on my already weakened body and three more months of treatments to endure. As bad as our situation was, I thought about how terrible the situation was for so many other patients and their families. At least I had managed to survive this far and had experienced a remission.
Radiation treatment was like a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy. I was scheduled for 21 treatments to be spread out over a couple of months. I would be receiving upper mantle and lo
wer “Y” cobalt radiation treatments from the bridge of my nose to my groin. The first series of treatments put an extra dose of radiation at my spine and my spleen, which made me violently ill about 45 minutes later. It was a small price to pay for the benefits to be derived. By the time I was going for my radiation treatments, my visualization technique was so precise that I could create a scenario for and effectuate relief from nausea and pain, and could send waves of healing through my body on command.
However, the intense nature of radiation therapy was formidable even with my “secret weapon.” After the first series of 11 treatments, I became profoundly exhausted. I could barely raise my voice to chant. The head of the radiotherapy department gave me permission to rest for two weeks and told me to stay away from crowds to avoid infectious diseases. I could do little but sleep and read. The radiation affected my appetite and my weight dropped by 25 pounds. The prednisone steroid I had been taking for chemotherapy had turned me into a maniac with food. My weight varied by 20 pounds a month between the prednisone cycle and the anorexia cycle produced by some of the chemotherapy drugs. Now that I had started radiation, I was once again plagued by loss of appetite and other dehydrating conditions.
It took me three weeks to regain the strength to begin the final ten treatments. My use of visualization for those three weeks had become the silent version, using my inner voice. I was too weak and tired to sit up or use my voice much. It was the worst I had felt since cancer's onset and the barbed path of chemotherapy.
It was a considerable struggle, but by the time I was ready for the second set of treatments, my blood counts had rebounded tremendously, and for the first time in seven months, I felt great. My energy level increased to the point that I felt like I was 25 years old again. Except for perpetually tingling hands and feet, I felt like I did before the onset of cancer. Feeling normal was no small event. Cancer and other serious diseases rob a person of security and cause physical and psychological devastation.
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