“This is nothing new. You didn’t do that before you met Gabe.”
“Yeah, but then I met him and I had to change my ways.”
“Isa, is this seriously what you dragged me halfway around the country for?”
“Okay, I have some lingerie and I need to try it on and have you tell me which one to wear.”
The incredulous look on her face almost made me laugh. “You could have messaged me pictures!”
“It’s not the same. I needed you to see me up close and personal.” She groaned, but I grabbed onto her arms desperately. “Please, you’re the only one that can do this for me.”
“Fine. Go try them on and then I’m out of here.”
“Thank you!” I squealed, snatching the first lingerie set off the bed. I went into the bathroom, but couldn’t get the damn thing to work.
“What’s taking so long?”
“The damn thing isn’t working!”
The door opened and I quickly covered myself. “What the hell is that? Is this some sort of bondage thing?”
“I thought it had lining.” The bra was literally a bunch of thick straps that criss crossed my breasts. The panties were made the same way. So, instead of having a sexy appeal, my boobs were spilling out between the straps, looking more fat than sexy.
“Whoa! I know you said that it’s been a while, but that’s a forest down there! How did the doctor even find Grayson when he came out?”
“Shut up. I haven’t been sleeping, and you get to a point where it’s too thick to just shave off.”
“Have you tried?”
I rolled my eyes in irritation. “Yes, I tried. The razor broke,” I muttered.
“Did you say the razor broke? How does the razor break?”
“It got tangled in the hair and I couldn’t get it away from the hair. The more I yanked, the more it got tangled. I had to cut it out of the hair.”
Aurora stared at me for a moment and then burst into laughter. “Oh my gosh! Poor Gabe. Have you had him shave you ever?”
“No! I have really thick hair. It’s embarrassing.”
“Not as embarrassing as when he sees you have one giant patch of hair missing from your coochie!”
“Would you shut up! I can’t help it. I was born hairy.”
“No shit. Okay, we’ll take care of your…problem,” she said, waving her hand down south. “Let’s figure out what you’re going to wear and then we’ll figure out exactly how clean shaven you need to be.”
“Why does it matter? Don’t I just need to do my bikini line?”
She picked up one of the more risqué options and held it up. “Do you see the cut of this? How sexy do you think it would be for you to be wearing this, showing off your body, only to have hair sticking out?”
“Fine,” I grumbled. “I don’t like it, but I see your point.”
Rora turned me to face her fully and grimaced at the panties and bra. “I’m not sure what the point of this is,” Rora said. “Is he trying to tie you up or show you off?”
“I don’t know,” I said in frustration. “The picture looks nothing like this. And look at the underwear. All it’s doing is squeezing the extra pregnancy fat through the straps. How does this say sexy?”
“Well, I’m pretty sure the model didn’t just have a baby. What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking I didn’t want my husband to see me as a milk machine and more like a sex goddess.”
“Okay, we can do this. There has to be something in this pile that will work.” She rifled through the pile and pulled out a babydoll. “Here, try this one on.”
“Doesn’t it remind you too much of a little girl? Plus, with the name….”
“Right, I see your point. Okay, here, try this one on.”
She handed me a push up balconette bra that extended down like a corset. I took it into the bathroom, but this one was no better.
“Yikes. Okay, so pushing up saggy boobs is definitely not a good look.”
“Not to mention that I have boob fat hanging out the sides. I need something to just suction the fat out. Is there someone that does that?”
“You mean liposuction?”
“Yeah, but on the side.”
“Sure, we’ll just go down to the local drug dealer and see if he knows a guy,” she said sarcastically. “Here, put this one on.”
She tossed me the one piece that she held up to show off the bikini line. I wasn’t too thrilled with that one. First of all, there was no actual bra. The lace went around the breasts, but nothing covered them. My tits just hung out. Second, there weren’t panties. The one piece went down, but then split right above my vagina and went in strings on both sides of my pussy and back up my ass. I would have to be perfectly shaven.
“That’s perfect,” she grinned. “Not that I really wanted to see your boobs today, but they hang naturally. But we definitely have to do something about that hair. Okay, I’m going to need scissors, Gabe’s trimmer, a razor-maybe three, shaving cream, and gloves. Oh, and some baby oil.”
“You’re going to shave me?”
“Well, we don’t have time to get you in for an emergency appointment,” she pointed out. I just stared at her.
“Come on,” she clapped. “We’re burning daylight.”
I scrambled to gather up everything she needed and then sat uncomfortably on the bed. I saw that she had grabbed protective glasses that Gabe had from work and she had pulled her head back, tying a kitchen apron on to cover herself.
“I’m not sure if this is like surgery or prepping a turkey,” she said as she examined me.
“Would you stop looking at me?” I snapped.
“Sorry, would you like me to look away as I put the scissors near your hoo hoo?”
“Just get it over with.”
She took a deep breath and blew it out. “Okay, I’m going in.”
I spent the next fifteen minutes trying not to squirm as she trimmed my hair down to a manageable length.
“Okay, we’re going to have to rinse the extra hair off so I know what I have to work with.”
“Right.” I got up and headed for the shower, rinsing off quickly and then patting dry.
“I hope you know you’re the only person I would ever do this for.” She pushed me down on the bed and took a deep breath. “Okay, baby oil.”
She squirt it on me and rubbed it all around and then held out her hand to me. “Razor.”
I handed it over and winced as she took the first swipe. She was moving so slow, and at this point, Gabe would get home before she was done.
“Rora, you have to go faster. Just shave it all off. Make me bald.”
“I’m trying, but I have to do this right.”
“I don’t give a shit at this point. I just want it gone.”
“Don’t rush me!”
“You have to, because Gabe’s gonna be home in a half hour and then he’s going to see you, on your knees, between my legs, and shaving my pussy! Is that something you want him to see?”
“I don’t even want to see it.”
“Then just get it over with!”
Two swipes later, I heard a deep intake of breath. “Shit! I think I nicked an artery!”
“What? Are there arteries down there?”
“I don’t know, but there’s a lot of blood.”
“Why weren’t you more careful,” I shouted at her.
“What! You told me to hurry up. You said to get it over with!”
“Yeah, but I didn’t mean for you to carve me up. Am I still bleeding?”
“Uh, okay, I can handle this. We just need some toilet paper.”
She ran off to the bathroom and grabbed a roll of toilet paper, dragging it behind her. She stuffed it against my pussy and held it, but then panicked when she took it off. “Okay, it’s not stopping and now there’s toilet paper sticking to your vagina.”
“Well, get it off!”
“I think I need something heavier. I’ll grab some towels.”
“Right.”
She ran back to the bathroom and returned a few seconds later. “What? Not my white towels.”
“Well, you get your ass up and go find your own fucking towels.”
“What the hell is going on here?”
I gasped when I saw Gabe standing in the doorway of our room. I closed my legs and shrieked in horror. “Go away! You weren’t supposed to see this.”
“I wasn’t supposed to see your vagina? Or I wasn’t supposed to see your sister shaving you?”
“You saw that?”
“Babe, I told you that we have cameras in all the houses now.”
“You watch me?” I asked in horror.
“Every fucking minute of the day, babe.”
I covered my face with my hands and groaned. “Oh my gosh. You’ve seen me all along.”
“Of course, I have. Do you think I don’t know about you trying to find some lingerie for me? Or how you’ve been freaking out about your body? Enough’s enough, Isa. I’m ready to fuck my wife.”
“But I’m gross. I have tree trunk hair and my boobs are saggy and none of the lingerie looks like it does on the models.”
“Babe, none of those models eat.”
“Are you saying I should stop eating?”
“No, I’m saying that you’re kind of insane right now and you need to stop. I love you, fat boobs and all. I don’t care if your belly isn’t as thin or if you have side boob. None of that shit matters to me.”
“But I’m not sexy anymore.”
Gabe leaned over me on the bed and kissed me hard, pressing his body to mine. “Isa, grown men don’t get boners if they don’t find the woman they’re fucking sexy. And baby, there’s nobody fucking sexier than my woman.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in close, loving the feel of him grinding himself against me.
“Right,” Aurora said from the bathroom. “I’m gonna take that as my cue to leave.”
I didn’t answer and neither did Gabe.
“Just remember safe sex. That coochie will never get back to the right size if you keep popping out babies.”
Gabe stood and shoved his pants and boxers down, crawling back between my legs.
“Don’t forget to staunch the blood flow,” Aurora shouted.
Gabe threw the bottle of baby oil at her. And then he fucked me long and hard.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Hunter
“Okay, so what do you think of this one?”
Lucy was trying on the fourth dress in the last five minutes and I already wanted to shoot myself.
“This one looks nice too.”
She sighed, throwing her hands in the air. “I need a better answer than that.”
“No, I’m not falling for that shit. You’re looking for details and that only ends badly.”
“No, I swear it won’t.”
“Yeah,” I snorted. “That’s what every woman says and then the guy is staring at the door, wondering what the fuck just happened.”
“Hunter, I seriously need your help. You and your buddies are the ones that made me lose my job in the first place. I have to look good for this interview. I already have enough going against me right now. If I look unprofessional, I’m definitely not going to get the job. Please, just tell me exactly what you think of the dresses.”
“Fine,” I said reluctantly, “but know that I’m doing this against my better judgement.”
“Whatever.”
I stood and walked around her in the dressing area of the store. “Okay, this one looks pretty good. It’s a little low cut around the arms and it’s showing off a tiny bit of side boob, but that’s the only thing I see wrong with this one.”
“And it’s not too tight?”
“Definitely not.”
“And it’s not showing off my belly?”
Lucy still had a little baby pouch and I fucking loved it. She was self-conscious and thought it made her look hideous.
“Not at all.”
“Okay, so on a scale of one to ten, where do you rank this one?”
“Eight.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
I sat down in my chair again and leaned back with a grin. This was pretty simple. I gave an honest assessment and she just took it. She must have loosened up some over time, because she never would have been that chill in the past. I could do this.
“Okay, what about this one?”
“It looks too tight in the chest, like your boobs might pop out.”
She held up a hand. “Say no more. Be right back.”
“Damn, I’m like the clothing whisperer or some shit.”
As I waited for Lucy to emerge in another dress, my phone rang. “Yo, Derek, what’s up?”
“Are you up for some poker tonight?”
“Yeah, what time?”
Poker really meant Go Fish, but none of us would ever call it that.
“Seven. We’re doing it at the training center.”
“That’s fine. I should be done in an hour.”
“What are you doing?”
“Shopping with Lucy. She wanted my opinion on dresses,” I grinned.
“Oh God, you didn’t actually give your opinion, did you?”
“At first, I was very vague, but she hounded me until I gave in. But I must be doing something right because she actually wanted to know what I thought.”
“No, she doesn’t. Back away, man. Tell her you have an emergency and run. Just get the fuck out of there now.”
“I’m telling you, she not getting all pissy with me or anything. She listens and then stops me when she’s heard what she needs to. I’m like some kind of kung fu fashionisto.”
“Fashionista,” Derek corrected.
“I’m not a woman.”
“You’re fucking dress shopping. You’re not too far off.”
“Fuck off,” I ribbed. “You’re just jealous because Claire would kick your ass if you told her what looked good on her.”
“Twenty bucks. Twenty bucks says that you fuck it up and end up with a black eye by tonight.”
I grinned, knowing that I would win this one. “Easiest twenty of my life.”
“Fine, kung fu jackass, let’s make it one hundred.”
“Two hundred,” I said cockily.
“Five hundred.”
“Deal.”
“Good, now, pull up your panties and pick out a dress so you’re not late for the ball.”
“I still have to pick out my shoes,” I snarked.
“Get something purple to match what your face is gonna look like later.”
“How about I get brown that’ll match the shit all over your face?” I jeered.
“And don’t forget your handbag. We wouldn’t want anyone to steal your man card.”
“My man card is too big for any purse, but I can hold your lipstick while I’m at it. Maybe your balls too, since you obviously aren’t man enough to-”
“Hunter!” I spun around to see Lucy standing in front of me with a look of shock on her face, glancing around at the people that were giving me awkward looks. “Who are you talking to?” she hissed.
“Derek.”
“Can you keep the trash talk out of the public eye? You’re embarrassing me.”
I gave a swift nod and turned my attention back to Derek. “Uh, I have to go,” I said sheepishly. “I have to go pick out more dresses.”
“Last chance to walk away,” he taunted.
“Fuck off.”
I slid the phone in my pocket and gave my attention to Lucy again. Smiling, I appraised her dress and deemed it satisfactory. She rolled her eyes at me and walked away. Three dresses later and she was still taking all my advice in stride. This was fucking awesome. I bet all the guys wished they had wives as chill as I had.
“Okay, I think this is the last one.
”
“Hmmm, okay, this one shows off all your bulges. It makes you look lumpy. And I don’t really like the cut. It shows off how stumpy your legs look. And the neckline is all wrong for your haircut. It makes your face look fat. Also, you might want to consider having your hair done before your interview. It looks a little dull right now. I think all those late nights with the kid are making you look run down.”
I sat down in my chair again and smiled at her. I was so fucking good at this.
“Wow, I had no idea you thought I had stumpy legs.”
“Well, not really stumpy, but certain things accentuate your legs and others make them look chubby.”
“Oh, so stumpy and chubby.”
“But, hey, once you start working out a little and firm up that ass, you’ll look fucking fantastic in any of those dresses.”
“Wait, you didn’t say my ass was a problem in any of the dresses.”
“Well, it’s not that your ass is a problem, it’s just that your stomach and thighs are bigger than before and you kind of meld together in one straight lump.”
“Is there anything you like about me post-baby? Because between my thunder thighs and my lumpy stomach, I’m not sure what you find attractive about me.”
“Hey, I never said thunder thighs,” I chuckled nervously. “Just because they’re bigger doesn’t mean they’re unattractive. You just don’t have that gap between your legs anymore for me to slide my hand in.”
“Oh my God! Is that all you care about? You can’t slide your hand between my legs as easily?”
I lowered my voice, trying to get her to calm down. She was totally misunderstanding what I was saying. “Lucy, I love your body exactly the way it is. Do I wish that you had that gap so I could reach your pussy when you’re sitting down? Of course. I don’t want to hurt you by pushing the extra skin aside, baby. And I love the fatty rolls on your stomach. They’re sexy as hell, especially knowing it was because you had my kid. I’m just saying that some dresses show them off and it doesn’t look good.”
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