“Yeah. You can put that in the book. I don’t care if people know I took medication for my anxiety, or that I went off it. It’s the truth. But maybe go easy on Mom and Dad. It’s not worth making your relationship with them any worse.”
“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind,” she said. “Tell me some more about when you were kids. You were saying how Gabe loved his parents, and how different it was at their house.”
“Yeah. I spent a lot of time there. They had this rec room in the basement that was Gabe’s hangout. We’d listen to music down there. That’s where I learned to play guitar. I didn’t even know I was gonna be a musician until Gabe put a guitar in my hand and basically told me so.”
She smiled. “And what was it like, hanging out with him?”
“Fun. Gabe always knew where the party was, and he was always invited. People just liked him. He got along with everyone in school. The geeks. The jocks. Everyone. People just knew he’d do anything for them. He cared like that. I’m sure everyone says nice things about people they love after they die. But Gabe really was one of the good ones. He always found something to be happy about. Life just filled him with awe. Where I was hesitant and kinda cynical, he was always game to jump into something new and just find out where it took us. He had a great laugh, too. The infectious kind, you know?”
“I remember.”
“He used to call you cutie-pie. Do you remember that?”
My sister’s eyes softened. I really hoped she wasn’t gonna cry at some point. “I do.”
“He used to say, when you were like three years old, ‘That girl’s gonna be gorgeous.’ He always thought you were so cute. And so smart. He’d do math with you.”
Courteney wrinkled her nose. “Math? Really?”
“Yeah. You’d practice your counting and he’d show you how to do addition and subtraction using marbles. And he’d try to teach you how to read music. He’d teach you the notes.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“It was right before you started kindergarten. Before we got so busy with everything else.”
“Wow.”
“He loved you like you were his own little sister.”
“I know.” She smiled again. “Did you know I had a crush on him?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, but only for a minute. When I was like twelve.”
“Huh. How many more of my friends did you have a crush on?”
Taylor kinda snickered next to me.
“A few,” Courteney said, unapologetic. “But I knew they were all too old for me.”
“Good. What about Xander?”
“Nothing happened between me and Xander until I was eighteen, Cary.”
I considered that. “I hope so.”
“Were you worried about that?”
“I wondered.”
“Well, something probably would’ve happened when I was sixteen, if I’d had my way,” she admitted. “But Xander wasn’t having it.”
I rubbed my jaw. “Good to hear. We can move on.”
My sister smiled. “It still makes you uncomfortable.”
“No. As long as you’re happy and he takes care of you.”
“He does.”
“Good.”
“So tell me more about Gabe. You guys learned to play guitar together?”
“More or less. He started first and he got me into it. He gravitated toward bass and he wanted me to play guitar so we could join a band. So we did. We played in a whole bunch of local bands as kids. We started to get pretty good around seventeen or so.”
“You must’ve been the hottest ticket in your high school,” my sister teased.
“Something like that. We played all the school parties.”
“And when did you know you were going to become professional musicians?”
I thought about that. “I remember when we were about twenty, we’d been struggling in our band and we decided to break up. Gabe and I had written all this material and we were trying to put together a new band. We were crap at writing songs and actually finishing them at that point, but we had all these ideas. We wanted to make a demo and seriously pursue it, so we could quit our day jobs. He was working in a restaurant kitchen and I was detailing cars. We’d do anything back then just to keep enough money in our bank accounts to get us to the next show or to buy the equipment we needed. But there were a lot of musicians just like us, coming up in the scene. I don’t think we knew, back then, that we were actually going to make it.”
“And how did you find the right musicians to form a band with?”
“We didn’t, at first. There were a lot of false starts. When we were still in high school, we kept hearing about these guys, Jesse Mayes and Zane Traynor. I remember, there was all this buzz about these guys over in Dunbar. We felt like we were on the other side of the world in Kerrisdale.”
Courteney laughed. “You were practically neighbors.”
“Yeah. Gabe would’ve gone to high school with them if he hadn’t switched schools. And maybe he would’ve ended up in a band with them and never even met me.”
“Wow. Fate is crazy, huh?”
“Yeah. It’s that.” I thought back to that time, and how we’d taken so much of it for granted. We had no idea the things we were setting in motion. But kids never really did, right? “We ended up meeting Zane and Jesse a few times. But they were running in different circles. They had Brody managing them already and eventually he hooked them up with Elle Delacroix and Dylan Cope. Elle was only eighteen then, and when Gabe heard her play bass, he was so jealous. He said something like, ‘She’s so hot, and fuck can she can play.’ He figured our chance at hooking up with Jesse and Zane was over at that point. I guess he was right. But Brody actually introduced us to some other guys we played with for a while.”
“You guys were actually almost part of Dirty?”
“I don’t think so. Elle and Dylan were the right fit for Jesse and Zane’s band. We jammed with them once, but I think Jesse and I would’ve conflicted too much on guitar. Back then, we were both trying to assert ourselves in a certain way and neither of us would’ve given up on lead. I think that’s the same issue they had when they were in negotiations with Johnny O’Reilly a few years back, before Seth Brothers rejoined their lineup. They wanted Johnny to slot into that rhythm guitar spot and leave all the lead to Jesse, and Johnny wouldn’t go for that. I wouldn’t have, either.”
“I really can’t see you playing second fiddle, or second guitar, to Jesse Mayes,” Courteney agreed. “But you and Ash… you seem to work well together.”
“Ash is more collaborative that way. He never wanted to be the lead guitarist in the strictest sense. He tends to lead more with his vocals. With the Players, he wanted the freedom to play the guitar or not, depending on the song. To play some lead, some rhythm, whatever felt right in the song. He’s versatile, and over the years I’ve become that way, too. So, we play the songs as we think they should sound. Sometimes it’s him doing a certain guitar part on a certain guitar, and if that’s lead and I need to cover the rhythm because that’s what’s best for the song, that’s what we do.”
“And you and Gabe were okay with missing out on Dirty?”
“Yeah. We knew we’d find our band. There were a lot of us back then, just coming out of our teens, trying to make it. And the cream naturally rises to the top, right? I knew a lot of musicians who never made it out of the local scene, or else they quit playing bands altogether by the time they were twenty-one and got a ‘real’ job. Those of us who were gonna go the distance, we all found our place, eventually.”
“You know, all the musicians I’ve interviewed for this book have talked about that period of time with such fondness. Even though, for most of them, that was before they made it big. Why is that?”
“It was just a special time. It was the late 2000’s, and the local scene was pretty exciting. I didn’t even know how special it was at the time, because I’d never experienced anything different. But
I learned. There was this real return to rock going on. Like the core of rock ’n’ roll, with this modern edge. I think the Players encapsulate that perfectly right now. They have this hard rock/electronic fusion that’s totally on point, and they’ve found their own sound within it.”
“And what about the bands that came before the Players?” Courteney asked me. She was a great interviewer, actually. Had a lot of questions at the ready, kept things flowing to get at the information she wanted. I had a feeling, though, she’d eventually go there—to the hard questions.
“Well, before the Players, the Vancouver scene was already broiling over with talent. There was Ashley’s other band, the Penny Pushers, who were more alternative rock. The Pushers had this Vancouver/Los Angeles fusion that brought a unique sound. Johnny O’s band, Breakneck, have a more indie rock vibe, and they’re kind of bicoastal, with a mix of guys from Vancouver and Toronto, so that also gives them a unique sound. Xander and Dean’s band, Steel Trap, were straight-up hard rock. Our band, Alive, was hard rock but more sophisticated, I’d say, and more radio friendly. And of course Dirty basically became the best of what Vancouver produced at the time. They’re definitely radio friendly, but they’ve developed their own sound that’s basically hard rock mixed with so many different influences from classic rock to electronic.”
“You think Dirty is the best band to come out of Vancouver this millennium? Like, better than Alive?”
“Definitely. We might’ve given them a run for their money, if we’d lasted long enough.”
“What about before Dirty and Alive, and the other bands you just mentioned? I’ve read interviews where you talk about all the bands who came before, like it was important to you to get that into the conversation.”
“I just think you can’t pat newer bands like Dirty or Alive or the Players on the back like they’re a totally unique phenomenon, and pretend no one else put in a lot of hard work before us. Including other bands who never get as much attention, and ones who did. Before we came along, in the late nineties and early 2000’s, there were other bands doing alternative hard rock that was actually radio friendly, too. Theory of a Deadman, Matthew Good Band. It was actually Matthew Good Band that really inspired Gabe to pick up a guitar. We were like ten when Underdogs came out and it was all over the radio, and then a couple years later, they put out Beautiful Midnight, and Gabe just saw that band as a shining example of what we could do. Before that, in the nineties, you had this wave of alternative and really grunge influenced rock because of our proximity to Seattle and everything that was coming out of that scene. Moist, Econoline Crush, Rymes with Orange. And it goes all the way back to the seventies with classic rock. Chilliwack, Trooper, Prism. And that’s not even touching what was going on over the years in the punk scene, folk rock, hip hop, pop. And all the smaller indie stuff that doesn’t get as much exposure. We were coming out of a scene that had a wealth of musical influences and history and just trying to get heard, get noticed, so we could break out of the local circuit. And then out of Canada, which not a lot of Canadian bands really do.”
“You succeeded.”
“Yeah. Somehow. Gabe had a lot to do with that.”
“Tell me about that.”
“Well, along the way, he’d started his podcast, Alive at Five, where he basically got to indulge his geek streak and also get us some attention. He interviewed musicians and technicians and road crew, anyone who was willing to talk to him about music. He’d make his own bass guitars from scratch in his garage. Whenever we weren’t in the studio or playing gigs, he’d be in there working on one. He just loved working with his hands and experimenting with sound. He was a true innovator. And he worked really hard to get us heard. He sent our demos to radio stations and record companies. He got us to make our first indie music video and sent it to MTV, MuchMusic, and even got it played a bit, somehow. He booked our gigs. He was basically our promoter from day one. He even made our posters and shirts. It was Gabe who landed us our record deal with this major label out of Seattle. At least, it was major by our standards back then. We put out our first album and got booked on a tour, opening for a band out of San Francisco, and off we went. It was a quick summer tour, but we got a taste and that was it. We were hooked. At least, hooked on the idea of being professional musicians. We were barely making any money at that point, and probably the only reason we were able to keep going was because we were basically living in Gabe’s parents’ basement when we weren’t on the road. But that wasn’t a problem for us. We would’ve kept going like that forever if we just got to keep making music. But… I had issues with touring and performing, right from the start.”
“You guys didn’t stay with that band. Was that because of your issues with touring?”
“Yes and no. We had a lot of conflict on that tour. Some of it because of me and my stage fright. But there were other problems. Interpersonal conflicts. A lot of disagreement over the direction the band should take. Our lead singer came from this tiny mining town up north and he had a great voice but a real chip on his shoulder, like a small fish in a big pond trying too hard to make noise. He seemed to think it was more important to buy himself a new jet ski and disappear back home to get high with his old high school buddies, than invest what money we had in the band. That kind of thing. He butt heads with everyone, but when he started butting heads with Gabe, that was when I knew it wasn’t gonna last.”
“Why?”
“Because everyone got along with Gabe. And besides, Gabe was the heart of the band. He co-wrote the songs with me and he was basically driving the bus from day one. He literally drove the old van we toured in when we started out. He got our asses to every show. He held us together. It was his vision that we needed to follow, and I knew that.”
“Is it okay if I put all this in the book?” Courteney asked me. “Including your opinions on your former band members? And your stage fright?”
“Yeah. It’s all pretty public knowledge at this point. It is what it is.”
“And what is stage fright? In your words.”
I searched for the right words to describe what it was, in my experience. And I realized I’d never really described it to my sister before. I hadn’t described it to many people. Gabe. A few therapists. Xander, maybe.
“It’s this crippling fear. This kind of panic-induced paralysis that hits me when I know I have to perform. Onstage, mainly. Whenever there’s an audience. Interviews… those are hard, too.”
“You’re doing great with this one.”
“Because it’s you. And because Taylor’s here.”
Courteney looked at Taylor and smiled.
I didn’t look at her, but she gave my hand a little squeeze. I wasn’t sure I could handle looking in her eyes right now. Because I wasn’t sure I could handle whatever I’d see reflected back in them.
I just wanted to keep focused on the conversation, so I didn’t have to think about whatever she was thinking too much. Because I knew it would derail me.
“When was the first time you experienced stage fright?” Courteney asked me. “Do you remember?”
“Yeah. I was a teenager. I was about to perform for a real crowd for the first time, onstage, in the school gym. I got so nervous, I felt sick. I had this pins and needles feeling in my fingers, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to play the guitar. My bones felt like jelly. I thought I was going to faint, but I didn’t. Gabe coaxed me out onstage somehow, and once I was playing it was okay. I got through it. But I avoided performing again for a long while.”
“Gabe helped you get onstage a lot, right?”
“Yeah. He was like my security blanket.” I laughed a little. It was stupid, but it was true. I leaned on him so much. Too much. “He’d come with me everywhere. If there was any kind of camera or stage or interview involved, he was there, so I could get through it.”
“And did the stage fright ever get better, or just worse?”
“It got worse the bigger the audiences got, but I didn’
t think it was abnormal. Or maybe I didn’t want to see it that way. I figured everyone had some level of nerves before going onstage. And that was what everyone told me. I just kept coping by leaning on Gabe, and it seemed normal enough to drink or get high backstage. That was pretty fucking common before a show. I’d do whatever I had to do to get through the show. I’d play facing our drummer sometimes, turn my back on the audience. And my commitment to the music, to the band, helped me focus on what I needed to get done, get through it somehow.”
“Then you came back from the tour and the band broke up.”
“Yeah. Gabe and I decided to go our own way. We were dropped from our label, but we decided to put together a new band and go back into the studio as soon as possible, just keep going. Gabe put out calls for musicians to audition for us, and as it turned out, everyone knew who we were by then. We’d had some real success, and people wanted to play with us. We held a bunch of auditions, and that was how we found Xander and Dean.”
“Can you tell the story of how you guys named the band Alive?”
“It was just something Gabe came up with.”
“Really? When I interviewed Dean, he said it was your idea.”
“No. It was Gabe. Actually, Dean might not even know the whole story.”
“I’d love to hear it.”
“Okay. Gabe once said to me, when we were fourteen and actually starting to get good on guitar, ‘This is my favorite day that I’ve ever been alive.’ We were in his basement doing nothing at all, just lying around listening to music, like any other day. But he was learning a song on guitar. It was Neil Young’s ‘Heart of Gold.’ And that was what he said. ‘This is my favorite day that I’ve ever been alive.’ The way he said it, with this innocent wonder… even then, it struck me how charming it was. I remember making fun of him. ‘You’ve had other lives?’ And he just said, ‘I don’t know. But this one is the best.’ Years later, when we were putting the band together, I remembered that conversation. Plus, he had his podcast called Alive at Five. So it just seemed natural. We decided to call the band Alive, and that was it.”
Lovely Madness: A Players Rockstar Romance (Players, Book 4) Page 41