“What can I say,” he said, throwing his arms out. “I’m a fan.” He gave me a huge hug and a pat on the back and told me, “Love you, brother. Gabe would be proud.”
After that, I greeted the members of the Players, who were already there with their partners and friends. Summer and her husband, Ronan, who was handling security along with Dirty’s head of security, Jude. Xander and Courteney. Ash and Danica. Matt, who was flying solo, as far as I could tell. Brody’s wife, Jessa was there, along with all the members of Dirty and their partners. There was a whole bunch of us crammed into the hall that ran just behind and below the stage, drinking, talking, getting pumped up for the show.
In reality, I knew they were all here for me. They could’ve just as easily been up in the VIP room or wherever. But they’d all showed up to look me in the eye and wish me well.
This was a big night for the Players.
But it was an even bigger night for me, and everyone knew it.
Out front, there were a ton of people Brody had invited. Trey and his team from Brick House Records. Media. More VIPs, family and friends up in the VIP room.
And of course, fans.
I could hear them now, making a whole lot of noise for Breakneck as they finished their set. The band started to come offstage, and when they saw me, half of them did a double-take, like they couldn’t believe I’d actually made it.
“Looking forward to the show, man,” Johnny told me, and then they headed off to clean up.
I knew that meant the Players’ set was coming, and the nerves started to hit.
“We knew this would happen,” Taylor told me calmly. “Just breathe.”
So I breathed.
Talia brought me a cold beer and I thanked her. I took a sip and did my best to relax, just trying to focus on one thing at a time. But relaxing in the middle of this chaos was impossible to do.
Security was tight every way I looked, and it put me more at ease. This was no joke. We were firmly entrenched in the big leagues, and we’d barely shot out of the gate.
No going back now.
That was what Gabe used to say whenever we hit some scary crossroads that would take us deeper into the unknown—and higher into the stratosphere of fame and fortune.
No going back now, brother.
The members of Dirty all came by to wish me a great show, and Zane said, “I hope this means we’ll be seeing you around some more.” I knew he was talking about the tour. The world tour that Dirty was headlining, with the Players opening up. It kicked off in mere weeks, and I’d basically agreed to stay with the Players and come on the tour—as long as I could get through this night.
I’d told Brody and the band, I just need to get up onstage again, and make sure.
They’d agreed to those terms like a bunch of drunken fools.
I hadn’t signed a contract yet, but no one seemed all that worried about it. Except me. So much was riding on this night, but in the end… I just wanted to enjoy it.
And decide about the tour tomorrow.
“I hope so,” I told Zane and the rest of his band, who were crowded around.
“Like maybe we’ll see you at our wedding next month?” Seth said casually, his arm around Elle.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ll be there.”
I wondered if I really meant it. I was pretty sure I did, but right now, I was just taking it one day at a time.
There were still good days, bad days, and worse days.
But there were also incredible days.
Tonight was the Players’ first live show for an audience. This show had been put off a bit already, basically to accommodate me. And not because I was stalling. Because I was trying to get as much therapy in as I could before I stepped onstage.
Besides continuing on with my talk therapy, I’d been hanging out with a horse.
Taylor was loving it, even when I came home smelling like horse shit.
I was loving it, too. Who knew? I’d never really pictured myself as a cowboy or anything.
But when you looked into an animal’s eyes and you couldn’t bullshit it because it could feel when you were bullshitting it… it was fucking humbling. It kinda stripped everything else away and left you with nothing but to dig deep and do the work. I’d been enjoying it so much, I’d been considering getting a rescue dog. I wasn’t sure how Freddy would feel about that, though. I’d also considered buying my own horse. It could be a therapy horse, so other people could also work with it and benefit from it. That was one of the things my therapist often harped on about: service to others was a way to get me off the insane merry-go-round of my own dark shit.
That wasn’t exactly how he put it, but I got the gist.
The large strides forward I’d had in such a short amount of time with the horse therapy kind of made me feel like an idiot for thinking I’d tried everything and failed. That nothing could ever work to make me feel better. That was some massive ego talking. Like my problems were so big and special that no one could ever understand or help me fix myself?
I’d gotten past that hurdle by now.
At this point, I was hungry for change, growth, and just fucking grateful to be here, playing with a band again. We’d rehearsed ourselves to the bone and there was nothing left to do but step off the cliff into the unknown, with a heap of faith and trust.
The Players at my back.
And my woman at my side.
I stood back against the wall, right next to Taylor, enjoying the beer Talia had given me, and kept focusing on the small things. My breaths, deep and steady. The cold glass of the beer bottle, solid in my hand. The sound of Taylor’s laughter next to me.
My heart beating steady in my chest.
I watched Zane and his wife, Maggie, for a moment, talking closely, his hand buried in her hair. I knew he was a recovered alcoholic; the whole world knew that. I also knew he was now many years sober. And if he could survive that, and he could still be here, fronting Dirty, and they could make it work together… it gave me hope for me and Taylor. It gave me hope for the show tonight.
If I could be present, get out of my own head and just take this one moment, one song at a time, I knew I could make it through.
When Zane noticed me staring, he raised his chin and I tipped my beer his way. Then he swaggered over. “Take a picture, it lasts longer,” he said, flashing me his dazzling frontman grin.
“I was just thinking. Did we really make it this far?”
“Yeah. Fuck yeah, we did.” He clapped me on the shoulder.
“So,” I said, broaching the subject awkwardly, which was the only way I knew how, “Brody says you get stage fright?”
Zane’s eyebrow cocked, like, Say what?
Way to start a conversation.
“He told me because I go through something similar,” I added. “Hope that’s okay. He was giving me one of his managerial pep talks.”
“Fuck, I love those,” he said wish sarcasm, but I was pretty sure he meant it. Then he smirked. “Lot of people have stage fright. It’s no big thing.”
“You still get it?”
“Not nearly as bad as I used to.” He tossed his arm around Maggie, who’d wandered over. “Life is good now.”
“Right.”
“How about you?” he said, his ice-blue eyes narrowing as he studied me.
“Uh, I’m working on it. Any tips for how you get yourself out there every time?”
He shrugged. “For me, the want of being out there, doing my thing, overshadows the fear, every time.”
“That’s good.”
He eyed me, considering. “Maybe you need to ask yourself if you want it enough to fight that fight, and win, every time you have to step out there.”
“You can do it,” Maggie said simply. “You’re a professional, Cary. Music is your gift. You were born to share it with the world. Just remember you belong out there.”
“Thanks, Maggie.”
Taylor slipped her arm around me, almost unconsciously, as sh
e chatted with Danica, and Zane gave me a smirk. He tapped a knuckle to my beer in cheers before he turned away.
I realized, as I looked around, that everyone had been through something to be here. A lot of these musicians had come from broken homes, broken families. They came from little more than nothing, with a talent and a dream.
Zane and Seth had overcome addiction.
Xander had fought his way back after losing his band and one of his best friends.
Hell, he lost me, too, for a long while there.
And I knew that every one of us here had that same innate drive, the hunger I’d seen in every musician I’d ever known who made it big.
We wanted it. We wanted to be here more than anywhere else.
Zane was right. And I definitely wanted it enough to fight the fight and win.
I went over to Xander and gave him a hug. He was lingering a few feet away from me and Taylor, like he was on standby in case he was needed. I knew he was probably worried about me losing my shit. So I told him, “I’m glad we’re doing this together. I don’t know if I ever told you that.”
“I know, brother.”
My sister slipped her arm around Xander’s waist and he put his arm around her shoulders. It was rare that I’d seen them together like this, maybe because I pretty much avoided it like I avoided everything else. But I could see how good they were together. They were at ease with each other. She was wearing her engagement ring, and I made a silent promise to myself that no matter what it took, no matter what kind of day I was having, I’d get myself to their wedding.
Tonight was just the first giant step off the cliff. If I could do this one thing… I could do anything.
No going back now.
Let go of your ghosts.
“How are you feeling?” my sister asked me.
“Fine,” I said. Usually, that might’ve been shorthand for I don’t want to talk about it. Courteney knew that. But this time, I meant it. “Just want to get out there already.”
Just then, one of the crew darted past, handing me one of my guitars. “Two minutes,” he said.
Courteney smiled at me as I strapped the Fender on. “Have I told you how cool it is having you for my big brother?”
“Even now that you’ve got your own rock star?” I gave Xander a little shove.
“Yeah, he’s a rock star,” she said. “But you’re just… cool. Rock star or not.”
“Thanks, babe,” Xander muttered.
Courteney gave me a hug. “You’re gonna do great.”
“Thanks, cupcake,” I said in her ear, and she smiled.
I let her go, and suddenly I could hear Trey out front, welcoming us to the stage.
I could feel the adrenalin mounting in all of us as the Players gathered around. They slapped me on the back. We gave each other hugs. “You’ve got this,” Xander told me.
“You’re my hero,” my sister said.
Then I gave Taylor a final hug and a kiss. “This is it,” she said, and her deep-sea eyes locked with mine. She smiled at me.
Then I let her go.
Because I had to walk out there alone.
Summer went out first, and the crowd lost it. Matt followed, then Xander. Then me.
And when I stepped out onstage, I could hear Gabe somewhere in all the noise.
This is my favorite day that I’ve ever been alive.
He was just fourteen when he first said those words to me, but he’d repeated them often, right before we’d step out onstage together. Especially when I was having a bad day. When my anxiety was high, just standing there with me, while I struggled to keep control.
It was like he was telling me each time, I love you, brother.
I looked down at my wrist, where I wore the brown leather bracelet. The new one that Taylor had given me. She gave it to me at Christmas, and told me that she’d tried to give it to me on my birthday. On the inside, it said Heart of Gold.
It had taken me a while. Weeks. But today, I’d finally taken off Gabe’s old bracelet and put the new one on.
When Ash came running out onstage, I didn’t even have to look up to know it. The energy of the crowd and the band told me so. He had his mic in hand, but he didn’t say a word.
I looked up, over the crowd.
Then we ripped into “Panic Room,” and we blew the doors right off the house.
The venue was a blur of color and noise beyond the music. I focused on my guitar, and I hung out by Xander’s drum kit as often as I could. But it was easy enough to let Ash dominate the front of the stage. With him and Matt up there, I could just disappear into my head and focus on the songs.
I couldn’t believe how fast it was over. We played ten songs, not even the whole album, plus a cover of Panic! At the Disco’s “Golden Days,” a song from Danica’s vortex playlist that we’d jammed on a lot, that showcased Ash’s vocals to perfection. We finished up with our original, “Fuck Me Two Times,” which had nothing to do with the Doors’ song “Love Me Two Times” except the tongue-in-cheek title. It was our most hyper, high-energy party song and ended things on a high note.
We stumbled off the stage sweating and delirious with the high of victory thudding through our veins, like we’d just conquered the fucking world.
It was just a small show. A small venue with a hot, local crowd.
But it was our first show. And it fucking rocked.
My body was so abuzz with adrenalin and joy, I was half-hard.
Unfortunately, Xander pulled me into one of Dirty’s dressing rooms for Dirty’s pre-show round of bourbon before Taylor even got backstage. She’d been watching the show from the VIP room upstairs. By the time she found us, we were on our second shot, and I passed one to her. Then Brody and Trey and about five hundred other people wanted to talk to me. So I missed the chance to screw Taylor in some dark corner before Dirty took the stage.
While Dirty played their set, I hung out with Taylor backstage. I didn’t feel comfortable going out front or up to the VIP room, so we watched the show from the side of the stage. We stood with Maggie and Jesse’s wife, Katie; neither of them ever seemed to leave their husband’s sides unless they were onstage. Katie’s best friend, Devi, was there too, chatting with Taylor. Taylor had been hanging out with the girls in the Dirty family a lot, ever since she went to work for the band, and they’d all gotten really close.
Even now, whenever I was too burnt out from rehearsals or therapy to socialize, Taylor was always game to go out, hang out with her friends.
I loved that she had that support while I was in my cave.
And of course, Brody was there. He never left his position, standing with his arms crossed over his chest, right next to Jude, the both of them watching the show like they’d never seen it before.
I could only hope that the Players would retain that kind of devotion from their team, over a decade down the road.
When Dirty finally came offstage after their encore, a few lights held onstage, cueing the crowd that the show wasn’t over. The audience kept clapping and stomping and screaming, whistling, waiting for the band to come back out. Another encore? A final bow? Sounded like they’d happily take whatever they could get.
I’d forgotten this feeling.
This moment, when the show was done and the crowd was still hungry for more. The high of it. The satisfaction.
But this show wasn’t really done.
Zane swaggered over to me, shirtless, looking like some vampire out of Twilight with all the sparkle and general aura of trouble he was emanating, plus, the masses chanting for his blood out there. “You ready for this?”
“Never. But let’s do it anyway.”
He laughed and clapped me on the shoulder. Then he headed out to the stage and the crowd exploded with lust. The members of Dirty followed, one by one, until it was our turn.
I hugged Taylor. “See you in a bit, babe.”
“What’s happening?” She blinked at me. “You guys are going back out there?”
&nbs
p; “Yup.” I kissed her, and someone slapped me on the back. I glanced back to find Xander.
“You good?” he asked me.
“Yeah. I’m good.”
He gave me a quick hug. And as the other members of my band gave their partners a final hug or kiss before heading back out onstage, my gaze snagged on Taylor’s best friend, hugging her husband… and then hugging Matt.
I turned to nudge Taylor, and nodded toward Danica and Matt. I leaned in to ask her, “Did you ask her about that yet?” Because we’d both agreed that there was a story there.
Taylor glanced over at them. “I didn’t have to ask. She tells me everything. You know… eventually.”
“And… you’re not gonna tell me?” I deduced.
She smiled at me. “It’s not my story to tell.”
We all gathered onstage for the final song of the night. All the members of Dirty and the Players. And me.
Zane took the mic and introduced me. “Hey kids, this is Cary Clarke,” he said, and that was all it took. The place exploded in bloodlust, for Zane, or for me, I wasn’t even sure. Both of us? He gave me a hug and said in my ear, “Go kill this thing you’ve been dragging around.” Then he held the mic out to me.
His icy blue eyes held mine under the bright stage lights, and a shiver went through me.
Let go of your ghosts.
But before I could take the mic, Ash reached past me and grabbed it himself. “Yo, I’ve just gotta say something quick.” The crowd screamed some more, and when they’d finally quieted down a bit, Ash said, “He didn’t want us to make any speeches in his honor or anything, but this just needs to be said. The Players wouldn’t be standing here right now without you, brother.” He turned to me and did a deep bow as the audience went nuts, then handed me the mic.
I took the mic and looked out over the crowd as they whistled and applauded. When I looked out there, my future looked so goddamn bright, it almost blinded me.
I promised myself right there that if I made it through this night, I was going on tour with the Players. I was joining the band.
And I was going to marry Taylor.
I felt like I could do anything, with her by my side.
Lovely Madness: A Players Rockstar Romance (Players, Book 4) Page 48