Her little SUV drives down the road when I pull into the driveway. Shit, this has gone every bit of sideways. We take a small step forward and fucking fifty steps back.
Opening the door to Elise holding Scottie, my heart drops when Scottie pulls at the scarf covering her hairless head. I would never call Elise Landon vain. But, in the years I’ve known her, I can count the number of times I’ve seen her without makeup, on one hand. This woman prides herself on her appearance. Having lost her hair with her last round of chemo, she was devastated. She’s always very fashionable and never looks like the almost fifty-year-old woman she’s about to be. For this very reason, me seeing her bald head has to be an embarrassment.
“Ah, shit, M, can you take her.” I swoop Scottie into my hands and turn away out of respect for a woman I love like a sister. A few tears well up in her eyes and she runs from the room.
Scottie is pulling at my overgrown beard, and we’re laughing when she returns to the kitchen. “Sorry, M, for my little freak-out.” I love what Elise calls a freak-out—because it’s nothing compared to the years of temper tantrums I endured at the hands of Christine. And because we both need a laugh, I lead with this.
“Elise, believe me after living with Chris, it’s not what I consider a freak-out.” This makes us both chuckle, eliminating any discomfort Elise may still have. Helping myself to some coffee, I follow her into the sunroom and settle down, putting Scottie on the floor to scoot around. The girl doesn’t crawl; she scoots on her butt. It’s the most precious thing and has both of us laughing when Elise in her sneaky way starts hinting at the subject I can’t talk about.
“So, you going to tell me what’s going on with Holls and you?”
I’m always taken aback by the nickname everyone has donned on her. In my eyes, she’ll always just be darlin’. “Um, by the little smirk on your face, I think you know.”
She’s tipping her mug up to her lips and peers over her cup. “Maybe. But I want to hear it from you.”
I, too, take a long sip of my coffee, watching Scottie play with a rattle that’s keeping her attention. “Shit, I messed up. I mean, she called me Scott and I freaked out. She’d finally given in to what we both desperately want and I panicked. I was a pussy and ran away from her—leaving her naked.”
Elise stands to bring Scottie back into the room. My granddaughter is too fast scooting her way into the kitchen. “Ah, little one, you’re sneaky.” She settles her on her lap, then looks at me. “You’re too hard on yourself. It’s a very natural response.”
“Yeah, but instead of talking about it, I gave Holland yet another reason to run from me.”
Elise’s face turns white, taking in a deep breath. “She thinks you both need to move on, start dating people who are not in this forbidden and taboo category.”
The knife hurts. It digs deep. “Shit.”
Elise in all her wisdom, stands, giving me Scottie. “I’m beat. I’m heading back to bed but I’ll tell you this.” She gives Scottie a little kiss on the forehead. “I don’t know what’s right or wrong. But like I told her, you get one chance at life. I’m proof of this. If I’ve learned one thing as you have, life is too precious, so if Holland is it for you, keep on keeping on.”
She walks toward the front of the house and to the stairwell. She’s not wrong — not one bit.
Chapter 12
“Holls,” Jase cries out for me walking into my apartment. I’m pulling a small turkey out of the oven when I pop my head up to hush him.
“You wake up the baby, I’ll use this turkey baster in the worst possible way on you.” I storm him with the baster as I wrap my arms around him. It’s been three months since I’ve seen him. Thanksgiving came upon us quickly and though Elise wanted me over for dinner with her, I opted on a small meal with Jase and Scottie. His mom is on yet another holiday cruise and his brother is with Ned and Elise and the whole crew. Feeling guilty missing the feast at the Landon household, I promised Elise that Jase, Scottie, and I would be over for dessert. My hope is Maguire would leave either before or shortly after we arrive.
Jase and I are still only friends though his intentions are made clearer almost every time we say goodbye. “I sure hope one day when we’re around one another again, you’ll let me kiss you goodnight,” he always declares. All I can do is smile wishing my love away from another man.
“How’s cooking your first bird going?” He hands me a bouquet of autumn flowers while I search for a vase to put them in.
“You know, it’s not bad. As I googled and YouTubed many articles and videos—everyone swore the key to the entire process is basting the turkey and getting it to a hundred sixty-five degrees.” In my apron, grabbing my thermometer, I honestly feel like Suzy Homemaker.
“Well, I look forward to dinner with my two favorite girls.”
I stop and take in everything Jase Elton. He’s a tad bit shorter than Maguire. He’s blonde with blue eyes which could mimic the Mediterranean Sea. But his smile and the way he looks at both Scottie and me is what melts my heart. I stop him—my hand on his chest. It’s one of those quiet moments, needing no chitchat, when he waits for me, he wraps his arms just above my ass.
“Holls?” It’s a question and him asking permission all at the same time.
I don’t answer him; I only respond when my lips land on his. He’s gentle, and his tongue is just as tender as he is in every facet of his life. I’ve only been kissed two times since the loss of Scott and by the same man. And that man was not gentle. But in this kiss, though it’s enjoyable and lovely and sweet, my body doesn’t react, not like it has in the past with the only two men I’ve loved without measure.
He pulls back. I smile because it’s Jase. He’s an amazing man and will find the girl of his dreams one day. It’s just not me. But in my smile, he knows, though I can feel pressed against my abdomen, his body has reacted to me.
Pursing his lips together, he frowns. “Nothing, right?”
I instantly tear up, and he’s wiping them from my eyes before they fall down my face. “It’s okay, gorgeous. I know where your heart belongs. Maybe it’s time to accept it?” His words aren’t harsh. “Holls, you deserve happiness and if it’s Maguire, then give in to your feelings.”
It’s the first time he’s made mention of Maguire by name and it stops me. “I may have eyes for the girl who has eyes for another. I told myself not to fall and I did. Just like you tried to will yourself not to fall for him. Many will say it’s wrong, but if I were him, I’d not give up. And I know, he’s not.”
“I’m so sorry.” It seems so little to offer this sentiment. I think through all of our interactions, wondering if I gave him false hope. I can answer honestly no. He knew it was too soon after Scott but if anyone knows you can’t tell your heart who to love, it’s this girl.
He pulls me tight into him.
“You always told me your heart belonged to someone else.” He tips my head to his. “But fuck, you need me ever, for anything, I’ll move heaven and earth to get to you and your little girl. Don’t ever forget this.” We stay like this for a couple more minutes until Scottie wakes from her nap. Jase grabs her as I finish the mashed potatoes and gravy.
Well, fuck me sideways, of course she shows up to Elise’s house with Jase Elton. I respect the boy, I do, but it’s ripping my heart out. Fuck, it hurts not being the guy on her arm.
She begins to wave at me but the second Kat sits near me, handing me a beer, she turns on her heels, holding Scottie close to her. My little grandbaby sees me and starts pointing my way. Yep, that’s my girl. Holland passes her off to Elise and I don’t miss the exchange between those two. I’m sure it’s something similar to what Elise fusses at me about, being the go-between among Holland and me. With a forced smile, Elise walks to me and gives me Scottie and I swear Scotland says, “Gaps,” which is close enough to Gramps for me.
“Wow, M, I didn’t realize how much the two of you look alike until you both are side b
y side. She resembles you.”
I don’t tire of anyone telling me this. It’s yet one more reason I can get through the loss of Scott, who I grieve for every day, especially since I crave his wife so much more with each second I’m denied her. And then I feel like the sickest son of a bitch in the world.
“Can I hold her?” Kat asks. When she reaches for Scotland, my granddaughter goes to her without coaxing. “Man, it’s like Adeline when she was this age. Just so chubby and sweet.” Out of the corner of my eye, I can sense the anger burning in Holland’s eyes.
“M?” Kat asks. I turn back to her, waiting for the question. “You should go to her. I know you think it’s wrong. And many will say this, but you’re the most loving man I know.” She’s snuggling with Scotland, she’s a natural with babies. “It makes me miss my little girl today of all days. I hate my fucking ex. But at least I get her for Christmas.”
Kat has completely glossed over what she has admitted and I’m still staring at her. “What?” she asks.
“You know?”
“About Holland?” she whispers.
When I nod, she starts to laugh so loud it startles Scottie. Holland whips in the room and almost tears Scotland from Kat and she laughs even louder.
“And if this is not an indication she loves you, too, I don’t know what is. She certainly is jealous of what you and I once shared, it’s obvious by the way she ripped her baby from me.” She’s not offended and continues to laugh. “But seriously, fuck what others think. You need her as much as she needs you.” She takes her beer and moves into the kitchen where dessert has just been served. And hell, she’s right.
Seeing Holland with Scottie, I walk over to her and the baby almost jumps into my arms. She doesn’t stop me when I take her. “Hey, darlin’, think we can talk for a second?” I ask.
Cocking her head to the side, she takes off for the formal living room which never gets used and I follow her. Scottie is starting to point at people who she recognizes. She waves at Teagan and Jase as we walk by. I kiss her sweet little cheek, keeping an eye on Holland’s rear as we follow.
“Okay, Sarge, the floor’s all yours.” She sits down on one of the couches and settles herself in. I take this as a good sign we’ll be here until we hash this out.
“Can I get a do-over, darlin’? I was wrong to walk away from you. It’s just—hell—it was a kick in the gut. Not you calling me another name, only the gravity of the situation.”
Standing, she walks over to me and reaches for Scottie. “No, and I think our window has passed. I’m going to start dating again. And I think you should, too.” And it’s then, I realize our conversation is over.
Chapter 13
I wake to a lake in my kitchen. I’m not exaggerating. I’m about to put the kettle on for my morning cup of tea, I almost fall on my ass when I walk on the cheap as hell linoleum. Catching myself before I take a significant fall, the culprit responsible for the shitty start to the morning is a shit ton of water spilling from under my sink. Grabbing some clothes and my baby, I send a quick text to Elise, telling her I’m getting ready at her house while maintenance sorts this out.
A car I don’t recognize is in the drive. Rushing into the house in my pjs, Elise is all smiles at our presence. But sitting across from her is a man I’ve never met before, eating an English muffin.
“Ah, let me take the baby. I’ll feed her while you take a shower and get dressed.”
She doesn’t stop me from introducing myself to the young man staring at me. “Um, hey, I’m Holland,” I begin, covering myself with my coat since I’m braless.
“Oh, where are my manners,” Elise croons, talking more to Scotland in a baby voice than to this young, handsome stranger and me. “Holls, this is my best friend’s son, Evan. Evan, this is Maguire’s daughter-in-law, Holland.”
The young man stands walking toward me and I’m thankful I at least brushed my teeth. And holy cannoli, this man is handsome. His almost ivory skin complements his red hair. Well, crappity crap, I’ve always had a thing for gingers. Before meeting Scott, I thought I’d marry one and have ginger babies with the said redheaded man.
“Hey, sorry to interrupt your breakfast…”
“No need.” The man must be close to six-foot-five. I’m dwarfed by him as he stands over me. “It’s nice to meet you, Holland. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
I’d heard Elise speak of her best friend and her little boy. Elise admired her because she’s a single mom. But when she spoke of this boy, I never knew he was actually all man.
“I’m popping in to help in the warehouse for the next couple of weeks while I’m on break from school. I’m at UC Davis studying to become a vet.”
Ah, well, poop wrapped up in a hotdog bun. This man is cute, a ginger, and he’s about to save sick animals. My ovaries are now on overdrive. I only stare as he continues to explain. “I usually come during the winter break, but last year I was enrolled in a program in Guatemala helping with a village’s water supply.” Is this man for real? I mean, Jase is a catch to the hundredth degree but this guy is making me swoon in overdrive.
“Wow.” It’s all I can say and I stammer over my words like I had when I was a kid, nervous. I look at the time. Hell, it’s almost seven. “Ah, crap. I don’t want to be late to work. It was nice meeting you, Evan,” I finish, hurrying out of the kitchen. My stomach has not dropped like that since the first time I met Scott in Algebra. And it’s only occurred one other time, since then—until now.
I sometimes wonder why I pay for full-time daycare when it seems others have Scottie more than the daycare workers do. I think this when I pull up to Elise’s house. I left this morning from a traditional home. I return to pick up Scotland and it’s been transformed into a winter wonderland. “Hell, woman.” I’m looking around. “What in the world, you’re supposed to be relaxing.” And I wonder how on earth she’s done all this with Scottie.
The reason turns the corner when the same crazy somersaults begin again. “Ah, please tell me you’ve been her little elf for the day and she’s been taking care of herself.”
He shrugs his reply. Evan reaches up to place a couple of the ceramic villages Elise owns on one of the bookshelves when his shirt rides up. Even from behind, his back and everything south is gorgeous.
I don’t realize how close I am to Elise when her foot kicks me. She gives me an all-knowing wink when I glare at her. “Stop it,” I demand.
“He’s cute and single,” she mouths.
“Stop,” I whisper again.
“You should ask him out.” This time I’m almost positive Evan hears her but he only continues to help organize the many houses of Santa’s Village she has strewn around her home.
I reach for my daughter but she only holds tighter to Elise, almost hugging her. “Hey, I have an idea, guys. Since Scottie certainly doesn’t want to leave me, why don’t you stay for dinner?”
I eye her because she’s attempting to be meddlesome. Well, hell, it’s Elise, of course, she is.
“And because I’m not cooking, why don’t you both pick up some takeout at Oriental Gardens. I’ll call it in. Ned’s playing pool. By the time you get back, he’ll be home.”
“Yes, great idea, Elise,” Evan answers while I’m giving her my stern look of disapproval. “But I’m not sure what I want. I’ll just order for you and Ned. Come on, Holland. I’ll drive.” He doesn’t miss a beat and Elise shoos me away.
Pulling my coat close to me, I’m a little lost for what to say. “It’s sure getting cold out. You can tell it’s only a week until Christmas,” I begin.
“It’s okay, Holland. I know the sneaky devil in there. The woman is trying to play matchmaker, so you don’t have to make small talk with me.” He walks me to the side of his car and opens it up. “Unless you’d like to. I mean, I won’t mince words. Spending an hour with you certainly is not a punishment.”
I grin like a lovesick teen because why wouldn’t I?
Hurrying over to his side, he starts the car and we head down the street to the Chinese restaurant. “You know how I told you I was helping at the warehouse during my break?” he asks.
“Yep,” I reply.
“Well, I got a call from my mom today. I’m heading home. My gamma broke her hip and my mom needs my help.”
“Ah, too bad,” I say and I mean it in more ways than one. But a grown man calling his grandma, gamma is overly hot.
“Yeah, I could have used the extra money but more so, I was looking forward to getting to know you better.”
A tinge of guilt niggles at me. Scott’s been gone for less than eighteen months. Can I move on? I told Maguire I would. But this doesn’t mean I actually meant it.
“Ah, don’t leave a man hanging,” he teases, poking at me.
I turn, a sly smile on my face. “Yeah, I hear you. But…”
“Well, no but. I’m planning on being here the third weekend of January. And if you’re willing, I’d love to take you out.” When we pull up at a stop sign, he turns to me. “I mean, if you’re okay with it.” He winks and my stomach and ovaries both are screaming at me when he leans over and gives me a gentle kiss on the lips.
“Yeah, Evan, I’d love to go out with you.”
“I win again, you fuck heads,” I croon. I could kick their asses in pool with my eyes closed. John throws me a twenty-dollar bill.
“The next couple of pitchers are on you, you cocky motherfucker.”
I grab the crumpled up bill and make my way to the front of the bar. I need this distraction. I would only sit at home thinking of Holland. She’s so cold to me and her declaration at Thanksgiving claiming she’s going to move on, is utter bullshit.
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