“No, I get it,” she said. “I felt that too.”
I sidled up to the mirror and looked this dress over. It was made out of a printed jersey material, and it was really short, hitting right at mid-thigh. I squinted at myself. “I think this is too casual. And too short.”
Sinead sighed. “Fine. Try on the little black dress, then. Go on, do it.”
I grinned, snatching it up. I went back into the bathroom.
“You know, I never had much luck with guys either,” said Sinead. “I’ve only had a handful of boyfriends, and my longest relationship is like three months.”
“Me too!” I called from inside the bathroom as I stepped into the little black dress. “That was Parker. Three months. Thing is, we barely spent any time together while we were dating anyway. He would show up at my place sometimes late at night, and then we’d have mediocre sex and he would leave and not even stay over.”
“Ugh,” said Sinead. “He really does sound like a jerk.”
“I lost my virginity to him,” I said glumly, trying to get the zipper in the back of the dress and failing. I opened up the bathroom door. “I don’t have much experience with guys. Can you get my zipper?”
“Sure, turn around,” said Sinead. “Well, you’re nineteen, what do you expect, right? If you’d had a lot of experience, what would that say about you?”
“True,” I said. “But, I mean, is that going to be it? Jerk guy in college and then mated to Judah, and that’s all? No one else until I die?”
“I don’t know,” said Sinead. She turned me around so that I was facing the mirror.
The black dress fell to just below my knee. It flowed over my curves, not too snug. It was perfect. “This is the dress.”
“You’re right,” said Sinead. “That’s the one to wear.”
“How many guys have you slept with?” I said to her.
“Honestly?” She bit down on her lip. “None.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“I mean, I’ve done things,” she said. “You know, I’ve messed around, but the actual penetration part, not so much.” She cringed at me. “Do you think I’m totally pathetic?”
“No!” I said. “I definitely don’t. I mean, the only reason I even had sex with Parker was because I felt like it was time to get it over with, you know? It wasn’t as if I even really liked him that much. I don’t regret it or anything, but it wasn’t like it was a fulfillment of my deepest fantasies or something.”
She giggled. “No, I know what you mean. The thing is, I sometimes wish that I hadn’t put so much pressure on the whole thing. Sex, I mean. I think that I thought it was going to be this big deal, something spiritual or something, and in the end, I get the feeling it’s not, you know?”
I shook my head at her. “Um, I don’t know, actually. What are you saying?”
She looked up at the ceiling, collecting her thoughts. Then she looked back at me. “Well, my experiences with, um, messing around, they’ve felt good physically, but I don’t feel, like, this deep connection with the guy I’m with. And I don’t think that just because his dick is in my vagina instead of my mouth that it’s going to suddenly make a big difference on that score.”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay.”
We were quiet for a minute, looking in the mirror at me in the dress.
“I mean, what was it like for you?” she said softly. “With Jerkface Parker? Was it good?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I kept feeling like maybe we were doing it wrong. Or that it was me. That I was doing something wrong. Because it wasn’t ever anything like the books or the movies. It was never… what’s that word you used?”
“Spiritual?”
“Right,” I said.
She nodded, as if this confirmed all her deepest fears.
“Hey, but it was probably just me, like I said. I was probably doing it wrong. That’s probably why he broke up with me, and he was too nice to say anything.”
She bent down and futzed with the skirt of my dress. Then she backed up and surveyed her handiwork. “You should wear your hair up.”
“Okay,” I said, a little surprised by the subject change.
“You should look perfect,” she said. “Because you and Judah, it’s an epic connection. You’re alphas. You’re destined. You’re… made for each other. So when you guys mate, maybe it will be spiritual, you know?”
I furrowed my brow, trying to think about being naked with Judah. The thought only made me feel deeply embarrassed and apprehensive. He was a really attractive man. He was intimidating. I wasn’t ready to be exposed like that with him. But maybe… maybe if we got to know each other, maybe we did have a deep connection somewhere. Maybe we only needed to uncover it.
“You’ll tell me if you feel that deep connection, right?” she said, and she was very serious.
“Yeah,” I said. “Of course.”
“Maybe… maybe things didn’t work so well for us in the sexual department because we’re werewolves. Maybe we’re meant to be mated to another wolf. Maybe once that happens, everything changes.” She spread her hands, looking hopeful.
I couldn’t help but be caught up in that as well. I grinned. “Yeah.” I nodded. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
She put her arm around me. “I’m so glad I met you. You’re my best friend, you know.”
I rested my head on her shoulder. “I do know.”
* * *
Judah was wearing a suit, and he looked very coiffed and very handsome, but he seemed uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure if it was the clothes or the restaurant or what. We’d had to drive forty-five minutes to get there. He had explained that there weren’t a lot of fine dining options out in the woods. Like Vivia’s house, this place was hidden by some kind of enchantment, and Judah’d had to speak some strange words under his breath to part the tree branches and make the place visible.
Now, we were eating steaks and seared broccoli spears at a small table in the dimly lit restaurant. The atmosphere was elegant and clean, with bright white linens on the tables and framed landscapes on the walls. The food was delicious as well.
In other circumstances, I might be really enjoying myself, but I was anxious. I couldn’t let myself feel comfortable. It seemed as though there was so much at stake here. I was auditioning a man who I might spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to see if I felt a connection with him. I wanted to feel certainty descend over me.
But I wasn’t sure about anything.
“We don’t make decisions unilaterally for the pack,” Judah was saying, cutting into his rare steak. “There is a council for the pack, and they are elected by the people. There are equal representatives of werewolves and humans, so that both interests are taken into account. Alphahood is a magical calling, and it’s not well understood, so we attempt to temper that tradition with democracy. We don’t want to be barbaric.”
“That seems very smart,” I said.
“Not all packs function that way,” said Judah. “But we think it’s better that way. Too much power isn’t good for anyone, even an alpha. Of course, once you and I are mated, then I will share the power with you.”
I nearly choked on the bite of meat that I was chewing. He’d said it as if it was a foregone conclusion. Once you and I are mated. Had he already made up his mind?
“You all right?” he said.
I nodded, swallowing carefully. “Fine.” I cleared my throat. “So, you head the pack on your own now?”
“Obviously,” he said. “I was called nearly five years ago. Since I turned, I’ve always known that I was an alpha, but I wasn’t sure if I would be the pack’s alpha. If more than one alpha is called at the same time, they have to fight it out. It used to be to the death, but we’ve changed that. Too barbaric. Now, the defeated alpha is simply cast out. Sometimes he can go to another pack who is in need of an alpha and be taken in there.”
“But if not?”
“Well, then he has to wander the woods as a lone wolf o
r start his own pack,” he said.
“Did you have to fight anyone?”
“No, thankfully. When the old alpha died, I assumed his place. That was about three years ago. The council is very eager that I find a mate soon. They feel the pack is not as secure as it would be with both a male and female alpha.”
“I see,” I said. “And is it? Insecure?”
“Yes,” he said. “For the good of the pack, I do need to mate.”
“What about the old female alpha?” I said. “What happened to her? When her mate died, she didn’t rule on after him?”
“She would have, had she been alive,” said Judah. “But then I would have been pressured to mate with her. I’m glad that didn’t happen.”
I grimaced. That sounded terrible. “So, if we were to mate, and I were to outlive you, I could be forced to mate to some other young alpha?”
“No one would force you to do anything,” he said. “Like I’ve been saying, we aren’t barbaric.”
Right. Except it all kind of sounded barbaric. “There aren’t any female alphas in your pack?”
“No,” he said. “Otherwise, I’d be mated to one.”
“And… what if one is called after you and I mate. Do I have to fight her?”
“No.” He set down his fork. “Well, not unless she were to challenge you.”
My eyes widened. “And if she beat me? Then you’d mate with her instead and kick me out?”
“No,” he said. “It wouldn’t be that simple. You see, the only way for a mated wolf couple to be unmated is if the female wolf mates with another male. She has to be the one to sever the relationship. It’s a failsafe to make sure that a pregnant woman is protected while she is, er, weakened.”
I furrowed my brow, thinking this over. “So, what you’re saying is that after two wolves are mated, then the male wolf can go sleep around all he wants and the bond still holds, but if the woman steps out on him, it’s broken? They aren’t mated?”
He nodded.
“That’s bullshit.”
He gave me a helpless look. “If it helps, I agree with you. It’s also, uh…” He cleared his throat. “Well, an entire pack can be taken away by a lone wolf alpha if he, uh, forcibly mates with the female alpha. It happened in the Hemlock Pack when I was a boy. It was a disaster. Our pack’s wolves were called in to execute the intruder, because none of the wolves in the pack were able to mount an effective offense against their alpha.”
My lips parted. “That’s… that’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. It’s horribly sexist, and it’s terrifying.”
“Of course,” he said. “What am I thinking, why am I blurting all these things out?” He shut his eyes, shaking his head.
“Well, I need to know these things,” I said.
He reached across the table, suddenly, and seized my hand. He was earnest. “You must know I would never let anyone hurt you. I would protect you with my life.”
I was rendered speechless by the way he was looking at me. He was a very handsome man. I gripped his hand, and I tried to feel for a deep connection between us, something spiritual, something bigger than both of us. But all I felt was that his palm was a little sweaty and that my heart was beating a little too fast. “So,” I said quietly, as I carefully pulled my hand away, “you would guard me and keep me locked away.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that.” He rubbed his forehead. “I’m making such a mess of this. You have to forgive me. I’ve never met a female alpha before, at least not one as pretty and young and available as you and…” He gave me a helpless look. “I’m afraid I’m not very good at this.”
I couldn’t help but smile at him. “You’re better at it than you think.”
He laughed a little, and we held each other’s gaze for several moments.
Finally, we both picked up our utensils again and began to cut our steaks. For several moments, there was nothing but chewing and swallowing.
“Well,” I spoke up, “do I have any choice in the matter? If I were to decide not to mate with you, could I live out my days as a female alpha with no pack?”
“I honestly don’t know the answer to that question,” he said. “But if it’s as Vivia says, then your destiny is the Northeast Pack and me. And you are my destiny. I can’t help but think that if you refused that, it would bring both of us nothing but misery. And the pack as well. Too long without both alphas and things would become destabilized. I don’t know what damage could be done eventually, but it might be disastrous.”
“Oh,” I said. “Well, no pressure, then.”
He chuckled softly. “I’m sorry. I… that is, I wish that things could be different between us. I wish that we could interact just as a man and a woman, but… well, we won’t be that. We will have responsibilities. There is no way around it. It is part of our bond.”
“And this bond? Do you… feel it?”
His lips parted, as if he was going to speak, but then seemed to think better of it and closed his mouth.
I swallowed. “Back when I was still in the town, when I was feeling the call but had not yet changed, I thought I heard a voice. A male voice. Maybe your voice. Is that even possible?”
“Yes,” he said, smiling at me. “That is quite possible. It’s a sign, I think.”
“Were you calling to me?’
“I didn’t feel anything, I’m afraid,” he said, “but it could have been happening subconsciously, my wolf communicating with your wolf.”
“Could have been,” I repeated in a low voice.
“Listen, I’m sure once we have completed the mating ritual, then we will feel the bond very strongly.”
I took a shaky breath. “All evening, you have been talking as if it is something that is going to happen, as if there’s no real options for either of us.”
“Yes,” he said.
We were both quiet again.
He speared the last piece of his meat and surveyed it. “Listen, I was resistant, as you know. You saw that I ran out of Vivia’s house and left you there. I fully intended never to go back. So, I understand your resistance as well. It doesn’t hurt my feelings or anything—”
“Oh!” I said, sitting up straight. “I didn’t mean to imply anything by it. Of course you’re very, um, tall and strong and nice to look at, and you seem great, I just—”
“No, I understand.” He laughed a little. “I do. Don’t be offended by my resistance either. You’re beautiful and smart. I don’t mean anything by it. It’s only that I tried to fight it, but I’ve always known that eventually my alpha would arrive and that I would have to do my duty. Anyway, yes, I’ve made peace with it. It will happen as long as you’re willing.” He popped the meat into his mouth and chewed.
I wasn’t sure I had much of an appetite anymore. I set down my fork. “And this mating ritual, what does it involve?”
He flushed, his ears reddening. “About what you’d expect,” he told his plate.
“So, we just… mate, then?”
“Yeah.” Neither of us were looking at the other.
“Just like that?”
“Just like that,” he said.
I chewed on my bottom lip. “I just… how can I know if this is what I want? We don’t even know each other.”
“We will grow to know each other,” he said. “We will have our entire lives to know each other.”
“But what if we… what if we find that we don’t… what if there are conflicts? Are you a very, very neat person, because I can be neat, but I’m not always and I sometimes leave the dishes in the sink overnight, and is that going to drive you crazy?”
He laughed.
“I’m serious,” I said. “How can we commit to each other without knowing these things?”
“I don’t know.” He spread his hands. “Really, it’s strange to me too. But whatever conflicts we have, we’ll work them out. For the pack. And I’m not a very, very neat person. I’m not a slob, but I’m not, you know, a freak about it.”
He smiled too. “Look, you don’t have to decide this tonight, okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
* * *
When he took me back home, or to Vivia’s house, which I wasn’t sure was my home exactly, he walked me to the door and tried to kiss me.
But I turned my head at the last minute, and his lips landed on my cheek.
He backed away, hands in his pockets.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “We should try again, I guess. I only… just when it was coming right down to it, I wasn’t sure—”
“No, I wouldn’t want to… pressure you,” he said. “It’s fine.”
We looked at each other and neither of us spoke.
Finally, he ducked his head down. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Okay,” I said.
He turned and walked back to his car.
I waited until he was driving away before I stepped inside the dark house. I went upstairs to my bedroom.
Sinead was waiting for me, sitting on my bed, clutching one of my pillows. “Well?” she said.
I flopped down on the bed. “Well, what?”
“Well, what do you think?”
“I think it’s all too fast,” I said. “He’s already convinced that we’re going to do it. It’s as though we have to, for the good of the pack. I don’t feel like I can handle all this responsibility.”
“What was he like?”
“He was nice,” I said. “I guess. I mean, we barely talked about ourselves. All I know about him is that he’s not a neat freak, but he’s not a slob either. All we talked about was the pack and responsibilities and what it means to be an alpha. It was like… I don’t know… a job interview where you already know you’ve got the job, you just have to say yes. Only in this case, instead of signing a contract, I have to spread my legs.”
Sinead burst into giggles.
“It’s not funny,” I said, picking up a pillow and hurling it at her.
She ducked and threw the pillow she was holding at me. “It’s a little funny.”
I caught it.
“Did you kiss him?”
I groaned. I threw myself backwards on the bed and covered my face with the pillow. “No. He tried, and I chickened out, and… oh, Sinead, I just want things to be easier. Why do they have to be so awful?”
A Symphony of Howls Page 7