“Is Dad in there?” I heard Henry shout from the back of the house.
“No,” I heard Katie shout from the direction of the barn.
Hurriedly, Peter put on his hat. When he looked into my terrified face, his own face was so strange. Here again, my mind goes blank and some time passes. I came to and heard Peter’s voice; I remember being frightened that something else had happened during that time lapse.
“I will start coming to your room during the night to check and make sure you are okay, you know, not sick or anything.” Peter looked intently into my face and I could read what he really meant in his eyes. He was going to start coming to my room now in the middle of the night. No! No! I felt as if I would vomit but kept my face blank and did not make a sound. I was paralyzed.
He turned from me, seemingly satisfied by my reaction. He figured I would be silent. Numbly, I watched as he looked out the window to see where the children were and he then quietly slipped out the side door. I just sat there in my bed, hugging my knees. The thought that he would be coming back that night or any other night filled me with fear. As I sat there, I realized I had been through so much already; now, I could not risk becoming pregnant.
A possible pregnancy haunted me. I figured I could take care of myself, but if I were to be pregnant, I would be vulnerable. What if they forced me to give the baby to a married couple? Who would protect my baby then? In most cases of rape, that’s what happened. The girl was either taken to a female relative where an abortion was performed, or the baby was given to a married couple that would raise it as their own.
But what could I do? Shakily, I got out of bed. I would go to Karen’s. Would I dare tell her my situation? What could she do? With shaking fingers, I tried to put in the pins in the front of my teal dress. My thumb started to bleed as I poked it with the pins. All of a sudden, I turned and saw Peter standing inside the doorway. He had reentered and closed the door behind him and I had not heard a thing. My heart began to race as he stood there looking at me in a menacing way. I think he was trying to show me how easy it was to come into my room. I could not even ask for a lock to keep him out. That would only draw suspicion upon myself. I would most likely be accused of hiding things and then he or any other church member would have the right to go through my things.
I swallowed hard as I hesitantly looked over at him. He did not say anything or move from his spot in front of the door. He just stood there looking at me, as if judging what my next move would be. And silently warning me not to make any mistakes. I thought maybe I could end up dead. I had no doubt that he was capable of it if I crossed him badly enough.
I turned away from him for a second. I wanted to run away as fast as I could and never come back. But I was Amish, and I had to remain so or I would go to hell. Slowly I began to pin my apron. Just pretend you are getting dressed and nothing else has happened. I could not let him know I was going to Karen’s. I did not know what he would do if he knew. After I finished pinning my dress I slowly turned back to the door. I jumped; he was gone. I put a shaking hand to my forehead, His behavior was beyond unsettling and I was scared to the core. I waited a couple of minutes and then slid on my coat and stood there for a while longer, looking at the door, trying to gather enough courage to open it. What if Peter is waiting for me on the other side? Should I go through the kitchen? What if he is waiting there?
I waited again and then slowly opened the door to stick my head out. When I did not see anyone, with shaky hands, I pushed the door farther open and walked down the two little steps. When closing the door, I suddenly felt a hand over my mouth and another by the back of my coat. Peter. He had been waiting for me to come out. He dragged me around the side of the house and shoved me into a corner.
“Where do you think you are going?” he hissed at me.
“It’s none of your business,” I hissed back.
Suddenly, some of the fear I had was replaced with anger, and I lunged to get past him. He grabbed me and tried to throw me back into the corner, but I resisted violently. He began pinching my breasts and trying to put his hands under my dress. I was much smaller than he was, and he seemed to be as strong as an ox. All of a sudden he grabbed both of my breasts and pinched and twisted with incredible force. I gasped as the pain shot through me. The attack was a violent and painful one and it temporarily set me off balance. Peter grabbed me with both arms and began pulling me back towards my room. I wondered where Phyllis was and why he was not worried that she would come around the side of the house and see everything. What had he done to her and what was he planning to do to me?
Again, I did not scream, I only struggled. My only thought was to get away from this madman. I finally wriggled out of his arms and took off running toward Karen’s. I could hear Simba barking as if he knew something was wrong. Peter did not follow me; if he attempted to come after me, he would be seen.
I reached Karen’s panting and out of breath. I banged on the door. Simba was barking frantically in the direction of the barn where I assumed Peter had gone. Karen came to the door with a biscuit in her hand.
“Emma, what is wrong?” She pulled my trembling body into the house.
“I am so scared of Peter.” I gasped for breath.
“What happened?” Carl jumped up from the table, where he was eating breakfast.
Karen pulled me upright and grabbed me by the shoulders. “What has happened, Emma?” she cried.
I stared at her for a moment. I almost didn’t tell her because what had just taken place had not sunk into my brain yet. He was the bishop of my church, the one true church, and yet it was a church where it was all too easy to commit serious crimes and get away with them. It was so crazy, even I did not want to believe it. If I did not talk about it, maybe it would not seem so real.
“Emma, Emma, tell me what happened. Why is your dress ripped? What is wrong with you?”
I looked down at the front of my dress, which could be seen through my open coat. The thin, worn-out material had ripped in the struggle with Peter, and my white under dress could be seen beneath it. I don’t know what happened, but in that moment I felt dizzy and started to fall forward. So much was racing around in my head. Fleetingly, I thought about asking Karen to take me to the police station, but I couldn’t. It was forbidden. And if I committed such a horrible crime, I might never be trusted by the church again, I would forever be known as the girl who went to the police—one of the worst offenses an Amish person of my order could carry out. The Amish do not believe themselves citizens of any country, so most have little respect for the laws of the land and abide by as few as possible.
Karen caught me as I started to fall and sat me in a chair. I could hear her and Carl mumbling and felt a cool washcloth bathing my face.
“Peter came in my room this morning and was feeling me up under my dress. He was going to undress me but the children began calling for him. And then when I was leaving my room he attacked me. He told me he will be back tonight. I think he is going to rape me. I can’t go back there and I can’t go back to Jacob’s. Even if they believe me, he will only be shunned for a few weeks and then I will have to forgive him. What if he tries it again? I should have screamed when he was in my room …” I was sobbing and Karen and Carl were kneeling on the floor in front of me.
After a moment Karen and Carl stood up, and I watched in a daze as they put their coats on. “It is common for sexual assault victims to not scream when they are being assaulted.” Karen’s voice was soft and sounded like she was biting back anger. “Stay here. We are going to confront this piece of s****.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Karen, he is a dangerous man; you shouldn’t get mixed up in this. I don’t know what would happen to you if you crossed him.”
Carl smirked. “We can take care of ourselves, Emma. Don’t worry.”
The door closed behind them. All of a sudden, I felt alone and scared. I wished tha
t Samantha was there, but even then I knew she would frown at me for going to an outsider. Truth be told, the outside world felt safer in that moment than the supposed gentle people that I belonged to.
After about fifteen minutes, I saw Karen and Carl leave Peter’s barn and walk back towards the shop. Numbly, I watched as they entered. Both of their faces looked startled and they just stood for a moment looking at me.
Slowly, Karen came over and sat down next to me. Her lips were pursed. I had never seen such distress in her face before. Her lips were white from her pressing them together so hard.
“I never thought I would get mixed up in something like this, out here in Amish country.” She shook her head slowly. “That is why we asked to live out here while I finish my probation. I can’t get mixed up any sort of violence or these kinds of situations. It could jeopardize my probation.”
“I know,” I nodded. “I shouldn’t have gotten you mixed up in this. I have to go tell Jacob and hope that I can move back in with them. I have nowhere else to go. But what if Jacob says he is sorry and I am forced to stay there?” I looked around the room. I was in a nightmare without escape.
“Emma, you can’t do that.” Karen looked me in the eyes. “You have to go the police. He readily confessed to us that he attacked you.” Her eyes widened as she talked. “He told us that he has sex with the animals too. He has done it his whole life and he said he confessed many times to the church and was forgiven. I think he is immune to church discipline now. And…” Her voice faltered. “He told us that it would be so easy to smother you in your sleep at night. No one would ever know.” Karen looked like she had just seen a ghost.
I felt as though I would vomit. She had confirmed what I already knew to be true. I knew that Peter sometimes had sex with the calves. He had alluded to as much one day when one was sucking on his finger. I had tried to ignore it. I knew he was not the only one and I did feel bad for the animals, but what could I do about it?
Carl looked just as disturbed. “He knows we can’t do anything, Emma. He knows that we can’t get mixed up in any crime because of Karen’s parole. We told him as much when we moved here. But he is a bad man. He needs to be stopped. You have to go the police, Emma.”
I looked up at him. “I can’t, Carl. It’s against the church rules. I will be shunned.”
“Well, do you want to end up dead?”
I looked at my trembling hands. All of a sudden, a certain surge overpowered me. I would do it. I would go to the police. I had witnessed so much suffering. Someone had to stop it. I tried to block out the consequences. I would think of that later.
“I will go to the police. I will tell them about Peter,” I said as if in a dream. I had a dazed feeling I could not seem to shake. “Karen, can you drive me?” I asked as I got up and started to open the door.
“Hold on.” Karen grabbed my arm. “I want to make sure you have thought this through and that this is your decision. You know you could be put in the Bann if you go to the police.”
I turned and jerked my arm away. “Don’t touch me!” I screamed at her. I felt bad when I saw her back up in shock, but I felt sick to my stomach every time she or Carl tried to touch me. I knew my reaction had nothing to do with them, but right now I could not stand having anyone come near me or touch me.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, feeling guilty for yelling at her. “I just don’t want anyone touching me, okay?” They nodded as if they understood. “You are not even Amish.” I frowned at Karen. “Why should you care if I am put in the Bann?”
“I just know you have to live here in this community.” Karen shook her head. “And I know it is not easy for a girl to be put in the Bann.”
“But you think I should go to the police, right?” Was I doing the right thing?
Karen nodded her head vigorously and started to pull on her coat. “I just want to make sure you aren’t going to clam up when they start questioning you… that’s all. If I weren’t on probation and I had a gun, I would go up there and put some buckshot in his a*s. That’s the best solution to this problem.” She pulled a baseball cap down on her head.
I frowned. “Why are you wearing that?”
“I am taking you to the police, but I am not going in with you.” Karen looked at her reflection in the window. “I can’t be associated with any violence; I can’t have anything mess up my parole.”
We got in Karen’s rattling old pickup and headed for town, which was about seven miles north of the farm. We rode in silence the whole way. I saw Karen look over at me a couple of times, but I did not want to talk, so I just hugged the passenger-side door and looked out at the beautiful spring countryside. It was cloudy that morning, but it was still so beautiful. My eyes were brimming with tears, and a couple spilled over and rolled down my cheeks. Anyone driving down this road would probably smile as they looked around at the scattered Amish and Englisch farms.
They would probably feel they had stepped back into a simpler and quieter era, as the Englisch were so fond of saying. Never would they suspect what had happened this very morning in this idyllic community, and I was sure that if the police drove out here, they would not believe it either, just like they had not believed what I told them about Mamma and Brian. I did not know why people think the Amish are such innocent and kindly people; I guess it is because they are a religious community steeped in secrecy. They only allow the Englisch to see what they want them to see, thus appearing to be quaint and innocent people from a different place in time.
I shook my head at the thought… a simpler time… why did people say that? The 1500s and 1600s were a time when people died from plagues and were tortured for their beliefs. There were few human rights; the Crusaders were slaughtering thousands in the name of God. Sure, there was no technology, but that did not mean there were any fewer psychopaths, murderers, and rapists than there were now. It is likely that people were even more likely to get away with these crimes then than they are now. And who better to know how to get away with these crimes than people that had remained practically unchanged for the past three hundred and fifty years?
I was jolted from my thoughts when Karen turned off the motor and pushed her seat back. I pushed open the truck door and started to slide down off the seat when Karen reached over to grab my arm. I jumped and squealed loudly. Embarrassed, I looked around to see if anyone had noticed. No one had, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Sorry,” Karen apologized.
I stared at her blankly.
Karen pulled the baseball cap farther down over her face and then looked at me. “I just wanted you to know that just because you are going to the police does not mean they are going to arrest him.”
I shrugged. “I have to try,” I said as I got out and closed the door.
I trembled as I walked into the police station. It was small and appeared to have only two or three rooms in it. The town had less than two thousand residents, so I figured there must be a low crime rate. I walked through the front door and went over to a heavy wooden counter where a middle-aged policewoman sat at a computer. She looked up as I stood there watching her. I saw a surprised look on her face as she took in my appearance.
I imagined I was very different from most of the people that normally walked up to her desk. I was a young Amish woman, a little over five feet tall, wearing an ankle-length, plain, teal-colored dress and apron. I had on knee-length black socks and black shoes, and my coat was of homemade denim with a high collar and hooks and eyes to hold the front closed. On my head I wore a stiff, white Amish Kapp that covered nearly all my hair and it was tied in a small bow under my chin. I was shaking as I stood there, looking at the woman. I tried to get up enough courage to say something, but my mouth was so dry I could not form any words.
“Can I help you with something, honey?” the woman asked me as she took off her reading glasses.
I stared into her bright blue
eyes, which crinkled up on the sides when she smiled. She seems like a nice lady, I thought, and I felt a little better.
“Um,” I swallowed hard as I tried to block out the mental image of possibly being put in the Bann. “Um,” I said again. I placed my trembling hands on the counter top.
“Yes, dear. What is it?” the woman asked.
“Um… I would like to talk to the police, please.” I pressed my hands down on the counter to stop them from shaking.
“Okay, in regard to what?”
I hesitated. “I need to talk to someone because the bishop of my church attacked me and is threatening to kill me, and I think he is also poisoning his wife and molesting his daughters.”
The woman raised her eyebrows in shock. After looking at me for another moment, she got up and came around the counter.
“Are you okay, honey?” she asked as she reached out to put an arm around my shoulders.
I backed up, not wanting her to touch me. I saw her nod as if she had seen this reaction before.
“Okay,” she waved at a chair. “Just have a seat here for a minute.”
She brought some paper and told me to write down what had happened, and after about half an hour, she waved me into a room and said that someone would be there in a few minutes. I sat there, looking blankly at the wall, until an officer walked in. He was a tall man—I guessed he was in his mid-forties, and he was scanning my report as he walked through the door. He sat for a couple minutes, drinking his coffee and reading what I had written.
“Well,” he looked over at me. “I am Officer Jensen, and you are?”
“Emma Schrock,” I said flatly.
“Okay.” He nodded, looking back at the report. “So, you are saying that the Bishop of your church assaulted you and he is threatening to kill you?”
I frowned, not liking the tone of his voice. It seemed like he thought this was some ridiculous story that I had made up.
“Yes,” I nodded. “That is what happened.”
He nodded and looked at me for a long moment. “Do you have any evidence to support any of these allegations?”
Tears of the Silenced Page 20