I nodded. Sounds like Brian.
“When he grew up,” Aunty Laura continued, “I could never connect with him, even though God knows I tried. He was just very odd. After he moved to Arizona, I did not see him for years, and frankly, I never thought I would see him again until he showed up with you guys and your mom.”
“You never liked my mom, huh?” I asked as I peeled a potato.
“Not even a little.” Aunty Laura shook her head. “She is an angry, evil woman, and I could see that right off the bat. She always tried to act like she was in charge of everything, but she did not have the common sense God gave a jackass.”
I could not help but smile a little at that, and Aunty Laura smiled back at me.
“You know it’s true,” she said. “I didn’t like how harsh she was with you, girls, but I didn’t feel I could interfere because Brian said it was part of your strange, new religion.”
I nodded and shrugged. “It’s okay.” I smiled at her.
“No, it’s not.” Aunty Laura shook her head sorrowfully. “Honestly, I actually thought about calling child protective services a couple of times, but Brian is my brother and I just could not make myself do it.”
I smiled at her reassuringly. “You could not have known, Aunty Laura.”
Suddenly, I heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway and froze. Aunty Laura put down the knife that she had been using to cut up the potatoes and went to the door. I saw Mamma and Brian jump out of the van almost before it came to a complete stop. It was so strange to see them after all this time, and I was astonished that I was interested to see whether they looked well or not. Mamma had gained some weight and Brian had lost some, but other than that, they looked pretty much the same, and, as they often were, they were mad as hell.
Aunty Laura called for me to take Grandma into the bedroom and close the door. I hurriedly did so, but I did not stay there with her. I was worried about Aunty Laura’s safety because I knew how violent Brian could get and I was not sure he would take time to think about the consequences of his actions in the heat of the moment.
I stood next to Aunty Laura as they approached the house. Most of my fear evaporated as I saw those two miserable people walking toward me. I felt a twinge of pity for them as I could not imagine how they could live with themselves, knowing all the horrible things they had done.
“Hi, Brian,” Aunty Laura said in a civil tone. “Did not expect you here so soon. Misty and I were just making some stew if you want to stay for dinner.”
“Don’t be cute with me, Laura,” Brian snapped as he came to the door. “You know exactly why I’m here.”
I saw Brian and Mamma staring at me in shock. I figured I probably looked quite healthy compared to how I had looked when I was all beaten down and still living on the farm. I was wearing a denim skirt that had a few pearls scattered around it, a light pink T-shirt and flip flops, and my toenails were painted a bright pink. My long hair was blowing lightly in the breeze, and my small crystal stud earrings sparkled in the sunlight. I was keenly aware that they were both staring at my clothes, but they seemed most shocked at the makeup I was wearing. Makeup was the ultimate sin. I just let them stare, but I felt anger starting to stir in me as I saw their judgmental looks.
Mamma finally stopped staring as she came up to the door and pushed past both me and Aunty Laura without saying a word.
“Hey!” Aunty Laura yelled. “You can’t just walk into my house like that, Sue. Get your ass back out here.”
Mamma just walked back to the bedrooms, and when she found Grandma she started wheeling her out of the door. Brian pushed past us too as Aunty Laura tried to stop them.
“Stop it!” Aunty Laura yelled. “You can’t just take her out of the house like that. She’s my mother too, Brian, and just so you know, Misty told me everything!”
“Yeah?” Brian shouted back. “Misty is a little whore that needs to be punished and sent back to her community.” He grabbed the wheelchair from Mamma and tried to push it past Aunty Laura as she stood blocking the hallway.
“Get out of my way, Laura,” he said in a threatening voice.
“No!” Aunty Laura shouted, putting her hands on her hips.
I was standing behind them, not knowing what I should do. I was afraid if I did anything, things would get very ugly. Brian, in a fit of rage, swung at Aunty Laura. She backed up into the kitchen table, dodging the blow, and I could tell she was completely shocked by what he had just done.
“Call 911,” she yelled at me.
Hurriedly I dialed 911 as Aunty Laura grabbed the knife she had left on the table.
“You son of a b**ch,” she screamed at Brian as he wheeled Grandma out of the door and over to the van.
Mamma stood in front of the door, blocking Aunty Laura so she couldn’t go after him. I told the dispatcher to hurry and hung up the phone, then went over to stand next to Aunty Laura. I glared at my mother. She was at least four inches taller than I was, but I didn’t care. I was over being scared and now was just plain mad.
“You are nothing but an overgrown bully,” I screamed at her as I tried to push her out of the way. Angrily, she slapped me across the face and told me to never talk to her like that. I don’t know why, but I was so enraged I spit on the ground in front of her. “That is what I think of you,” I said as Aunty Laura pulled me back. “You will never have any respect from me. Respect is earned, and you sure haven’t earned even a micro-second of it.”
“I gave birth to you,” Mamma screamed back at me.
“Well, I wish you wouldn’t have,” I screamed back.
I could not believe my own actions, but I could not stand the thought of Grandma going back home with them. I felt it was my fault, as if I had once again, failed. If only I had not answered the phone, if only… why was I always such a failure?
Brian picked Grandma up and then dropped her back into the wheelchair. I saw a trickle of blood on one of her frail, white legs. Brian turned and saw his sister watching in shock, and he seemed to get even madder than he already was. Finally, he managed to throw Grandma into the backseat, and Mamma stepped away from the door when Brian told her to get in the car. He looked at me in disgust, and I glared back at him.
“You.” He came over to me and jabbed me in the chest with his finger. “You are a curse to this world. You should never have been born.”
I raised my eyebrows defiantly at him. “Why not, because I am trying to stop evil people like you from hurting the innocent?”
“You are a Jezebel spirit,” Brian spat. “And what you are wearing proves it.” He looked me up and down.
I bit my lip in anger but only glared back at him in response. What a vile human being he was, and no matter what he said to me or how he put me down, he knew it was not true… and I knew too.
Suddenly I realized that Fanny was not with them. I figured she was most likely locked in the house so she could not get out. Poor girl. All alone on that lonely mountain top. Tears started to stream down my cheeks as I watched Mamma climb into the back seat with Grandma. My heart sank even more when I saw Mamma put Amish clothes over the clothes Aunty Laura had put on her. Brian backed out of the driveway and sped off. I knew if the police stopped them now, they would be reluctant to do anything merely because they looked Amish. The whole ordeal had lasted less than five minutes.
Revisiting a Childhood Nightmare
Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
—Barack Obama
The police showed up a couple minutes after Brian and Mamma left, and I stood there impatiently while they questioned us. They did not appear too concerned about what had happened after they found out Grandma had given Brian power of attorney and that he was her primary caregiver. After a few minutes of questioning, they agre
ed to go after Brian and Mamma, just to make sure everything was okay.
“They are not going to do anything once they see them dressed in plain clothes,” I said as I watched the police drive away. “It’s as if people get star-struck when they see Amish or people who appear to be Amish.”
“Well, let’s just hope something gets resolved.” Aunty Laura’s face was extremely sad. “This has to stop. It has gotten way out of hand.”
A couple of hours later, the same policemen returned. Aunty Laura and I had been waiting anxiously to see what had happened. The policemen told us that they caught up to Mamma and Brian on the mountain pass and that after they questioned them, they had seen no reason to detain them. They said Brian had documentation with him showing that he was Grandma’s caregiver and that he also had power of attorney over of all her affairs. Mamma told the police that Aunty Laura did not like that Grandma had chosen to join their religion, and that was why she was creating these problems.
When I asked if they checked for the cut on Grandma’s leg, they merely said that Grandma looked fine and happy and there was no cause to look under her clothing and that doing so would have been a violation of their religious rights.
I just stood there, squinting at the officers. One of them seemed annoyed at my behavior and asked me if I had any further concerns. I bit my lip. While I realized it was not his fault, I knew that if Mamma and Brian had been in ordinary clothes, things would have been handled differently.
“So, anything else?” the officers asked as they turned to go back to their car.
“Just one thing.” I stepped toward them while trying to keep the anger out of my voice. “If they had been dressed in regular clothes, would you have treated them differently?”
“Well,” the officer’s looked at each other, “I wouldn’t say we would have treated them differently, but they really looked like peaceful people; it was just your word against theirs. There wasn’t much we could really do.”
“Uh huh,” I huffed. “I just want you to know that those ‘peaceful people’ are good actors and that they tortured me and my sister for years. Those people you just talked to should be put in prison for the rest of their lives, and you just let them go because you thought they looked harmless. What gives you the right to make that judgment?”
The officer looked at me curiously. “I would be happy to take you down to the station where you can file a police report. I have to be honest with you, though. They do have the upper hand in this. They say that you don’t approve of their religion, and they also have the necessary documentation.”
“What about them just barging into my house and slapping Misty?” Aunty Laura asked in exasperation.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the officer said as he opened his car door. “Like I said, it’s your word against theirs.”
I turned on my heel and stomped into the house. I could not believe this was happening again. It did not seem possible that these awful people could go through life able to get away with horrible crimes. I did not understand how it was possible for such mean and evil people to appear so kind and loving when confronted by authority figures. Where did they get that particular talent?
Uncle Bill and Aunty Laura decided it would be a good idea to go up to the mountain and confront Brian on his own turf. Aunty Laura thought maybe she could reason with him. I didn’t believe it would work but decided to go along with the idea, and I told them I wanted to go with them. At first, Uncle Bill refused to even consider the idea. He said it was not a good idea for me to go back to the house where so many bad things had happened, but finally he relented. We decided to leave in two weeks, thus giving the dust enough time to settle after the last confrontation.
A couple of weeks later, when we visited my childhood home on the mountain, I realized that Uncle Bill had been right. Listening to the rustling of the cottonwood trees that had at one time lulled me to sleep sent shivers up my spine. Fanny clung to me the whole time we were there. Mamma and Brian were smug and felt they could look down on me because I had gone worldly. Although everyone tried to pretend everything was okay, an argument soon erupted. I wished I had never gone on the trip, and I knew I never wished to return. I never wanted to see Mamma or Brian again. But what about Fanny and Grandma? I was haunted by their sad faces and Mamma and Brian’s smug looks. They knew I was powerless.
But I could not just sit by. I ended up making several phone calls to child protective services telling them about Mamma and Brian. I informed them that they were in the process of trying to foster children and sent them a twelve-page document detailing many of the horrible things they had done to Samantha and me. Everyone I talked to told me there was nothing that I could do to stop the paperwork from going through, but eventually I got through to someone that said she would review everything and see what she could do.
I also called adult protective services again on Fanny’s behalf but got nowhere. Mamma had full custody of her and she was no longer a ward of the State. I could not help but feel the government had been relieved to be rid of one of its mentally ill wards. I was a little disheartened. No one seemed to care.
Eventually, my attempts to stop Mamma and Brian were not totally in vain. About a month and a half after I first called child protective services, they sent a letter stating that their application to become foster parents had been denied and the government would not grant them the right to appeal. I was so happy at the news that I barely noticed all the horrible things they called me. It was one small victory, but for once my persistence had paid off. Thank God, I whispered heavenward as I tore the vile letter into a hundred little pieces. I did not reply. Like Aunty Laura said, they were not worth it.
I opened my eyes and sat up in bed. Frowning, I looked at my white night dress. I blinked a couple of times and looked into Phyllis’s face. She was sitting in a chair next to the bed, holding a damp washcloth in her hands. As I sat there, she reached out and pressed it against my face. The washcloth felt cool on my skin, and I put a hand to my forehead to see if I had a fever. It was boiling hot, and beads of sweat were trickling down my face despite the cool morning air. My nightdress was soaked with sweat. Confused, I looked back at Phyllis, who was wringing out the washcloth in a stainless steel bowl on the floor.
“Phyllis, what are you doing here?” I whispered weakly.
“What do you mean?” Phyllis asked me with a furrowed brow.
“What are you doing in Seattle?”
“Seattle? What are you talking about?” Phyllis asked as she put the washcloth on my forehead again.
“No, this can’t be true.” I tried to crawl out of the bed. “I left the Amish. I went to Seattle; I am getting ready to take my GED test. I am going to Florida to a missionary school. How can it be that I’m in bed in the middle of an Amish farmhouse? This does not make any sense.” I stopped for breath and looked into Phyllis’s confused face.
“I left the Amish, right?” I asked her.
Phyllis looked at a loss for words. “Emma, I don’t know what you are talking about.” She gently stroked my face with the washcloth. “Remember, last night you didn’t feel well, and went to bed right after supper?”
“What?” I asked. I was confused as to why she was talking about the night before Peter had attacked me and I had gone to the police. “That was months ago,” I told her.
“No.” Phyllis shook her head. “That was three days ago. You have been running a high fever ever since, and we were very worried.”
I stared at Phyllis, and the lurching feeling in my stomach made me want to throw up. I had dreamed everything!
“So I never went to the police?” I whispered. “I never told you what Peter was doing? I wasn’t brave and I never accomplished any of those things that I thought I had?”
The feeling of sorrow was so great it cannot be explained. It had all been a dream, all of the things I had done that had taken so much cou
rage and strength. I was not sure I could do it now, no matter how much I longed to. I would be Amish forever, no matter how much I disagreed with them. Just thinking back on my dream and all of the confusing and difficult things I had encountered after I left the Amish made me shiver. I could not breathe; I stood up despite Phyllis’s attempts to pull me back down.
I had traveled down a long, dark road in order to expose the truth about these people and the Amish as a whole, and now I was finding out I had not done any of it. How was it possible? I saw Peter standing in front of the barn, and it made my blood boil. I was still here in the same house with him. I was weak, but I struggled to open the door.
“Emma, where are you going?” Phyllis called after me.
“I’m leaving,” I yelled back at her. “I won’t stay Amish. I have to go to missionary school; I have to become a doctor. I can’t stay here.”
“That is ridiculous.” Phyllis grabbed at my arm. “You can’t leave the Amish; you will go to hell.”
“No,” I shouted as tears streamed down my cheeks. I was thinking the happy days I had experienced while in Seattle. I thought of the fun I’d had planning my future, how excited I had been to learn so many new things—the satisfaction I felt at finally being in charge of my own life. It had all been a dream.
In the distance I saw Karen’s place and I could see Simba waiting at the fence for me. I was not happy. It only made me more certain that I was still Amish. I pinched my arms to make sure this was not a dream and winced in pain. Still not convinced, I slapped myself as hard as I could across the face, and then had to blink back tears from the sting.
“Emma. Emma, where are you going?” I heard Peter say from behind me. I screamed as he reached out and grabbed my shoulder.
“Get away from me !” I screamed at him as I began running.
Tears of the Silenced Page 26