I jerked awake not knowing how long I had been out. My face was slumped against the bottom of the window, and I could feel a long groove on the side of my face where the edge of the window had dug into it. I sat up slowly and looked around the bus. Most of the people seemed to be sleeping. I blinked as I looked around and tried to figure out where I was. I looked at my hands, and then at my skirt and shoes. I did not even know who I was. My mind was completely blank. I sat there for about five minutes, fighting the urge to fall asleep. Who am I?
Nothing registered. I kept looking out the window of the bus, hoping something would come to mind. What was I going to do if I could not remember who I was? How would I know when I was supposed to get off the bus? Why was I even on the bus in the first place?
After about ten minutes of worrying, my eyes landed on the purse that I was wearing across my body. I opened it and took out my wallet. I looked at my ID and debit card. It did nothing to jog my memory, but now I knew I must be Misty Griffin. I dug further into my purse and found some pictures and the envelope with my GED and test scores. When my eyes landed on a picture of me and Samantha and the envelope with my GED in it, everything came rushing back. I felt shocked as everything fell into place. It was as if I had returned to myself after being absent for a few minutes. It was such a strange feeling. The whole episode gave me a real headache, and I almost wondered if I would have been better off not remembering anything.
I decided to get some sleep before reaching the Lacrosse station, where one of Samantha’s neighbors would be picking me up. Before I fell asleep, I saw a few snow flurries outside in the dark. The sounds of an early winter storm resounded in my ears as I drifted off into a much-needed sleep.
I woke up just as we were pulling into the Lacrosse bus station. I gathered my things and stepped off the bus. A gust of freezing Wisconsin air greeted me as I looked around for the driver Samantha had sent to pick me up. After a minute of searching, my eyes landed on a woman standing nearby with a sign that read “Emma Schrock.” I rolled my eyes and smiled a little when I saw that they were using my Amish name. I walked over to the woman, who appeared to be freezing.
“Are you Emma Schrock?” she asked.
I nodded hesitantly, knowing there were probably a lot of Emma Schrocks in these parts. “I am going to see my sister Beth.”
“Yep, you’re the one I’ve been looking for.” The woman nodded. “Your bus is over half an hour late, and it’s freezing out here.”
“Oh, I’m sorry about that,” I apologized.
“Oh, it’s okay.” The woman smiled at me. “I have had the heater blasting and the radio cranked up, so it wasn’t so bad.” She looked at me curiously. “I don’t know why, but I was expecting an Amish girl. Beth did not tell me you weren’t Amish.”
“I left a few months ago,” I said offhandedly, not really feeling like chatting.
“Oh… so you don’t mind if I leave the radio on?”
I shook my head and smiled at her.
“So how is it being on the outside?” the lady asked as we drove out of town toward what was one of the largest Amish communities in the Midwest.
I smiled politely. “I like it.”
“So…,” she said, looking over at me. “Are you shunned?”
I smiled and nodded as I shrugged, trying to show that it did not bother me.
“Oh, I’m sorry, honey,” the woman reached over and patted my shoulder. “That’s one thing I could never understand about the Amish. How they can turn their backs on family just because they want a different life is strange to me.”
I just smiled at her again without responding.
“You seem like a sweet girl.” The woman continued to chatter. “I have two daughters, and I can’t imagine not being there for them, and they’re not even nice half the time,” she sighed.
“How old are your girls?” I asked, trying to deflect the subject from myself.
“One is nineteen, and the other is twenty-four.”
“Oh, that’s nice.” I yawned. I saw the lady looking at me sympathetically. She was a nice, motherly woman I thought, and I was happy she lived close to Samantha.
We arrived at the farm a little after two in the morning. As we approached, I saw the lamp light on the kitchen table grow stronger as if someone had turned up the flame. I got out of the car and tried to pay the kindly neighbor, but she refused and told me I could use her phone anytime if I needed to. I thanked her and told her I really appreciated her help.
I turned toward the house and stood frozen in place. Everything was so quiet; I could not help but shudder. On one hand, the familiar look of an Amish farm reminded me of good food and playful children, but on the other hand, it reminded me of all the people I knew that were trapped behind a wall of rules and sworn to silence. It was a strange feeling for me to be returning now as an outsider, and I clenched my hands to stop their trembling.
The Sting of Being Shunned
Some things you must always be unable to bear. Some things you must never stop refusing to bear. Injustice and outrage and dishonor and shame. No matter how young you are or how old you have got. Not for kudos and not for cash: your picture in the paper nor money in the back either. Just refuse to bear them.
—William Faulkner, Intruder in the Dust
I walked toward the house, my heart pounding. I had not been on an Amish farm in seven months. After the neighbor drove away, I was in complete darkness, save for the lamp light that was radiating from the house. There were no electric lights on the porch and only an occasional car could be heard in the distance. Somehow, it felt as if I had come home. So much of my life had been spent on the outskirts of society that I felt slightly nostalgic for these familiar surroundings, even though I did not want to.
I saw Samantha in the lamp light, and my heart skipped a beat. She was in an ankle-length, dark blue dress, a green apron and had on a stiff white Kapp. I was so happy. It had been more than two years since I had seen my baby sister; she had recently turned twenty-one. Instinctively, I reached out to hug her, but she quickly stepped back and held up her hand in a motion for me to stop. I sighed. I was shunned, and she was not allowed to hug me. It is as if I’m contagious, I thought.
“Samantha, I am so happy to see you,” I whispered excitedly.
Samantha smiled slightly and looked at the ground. “I am happy to see you too, Emma.” She paused. “Just promise me while you are here you will observe the Meidung rules closely and not cause me any trouble. My future father-in-law might call off the wedding if he believes I am leaning toward your way of thought.”
I nodded. “He sounds really strict.”
Samantha nodded. “He is, Emma, but at least Daniel is not like his father and he is nice to me.”
“You could come with me, if you don’t like it here.” I looked at her hesitantly, trying to test the waters.
Samantha swung around. “Don’t you let anyone hear you say that,” she snapped at me.
I shrugged. “Just letting you know there are other options.”
Samantha stiffened her lips and opened the door slowly. Quietly, we crept up the stairs. It reminded me of when we were children, trying to outsmart Mamma and Brian. How much I had missed my sister.
Samantha motioned for me to go down to the end of the hall where her room was. I shivered. The house was freezing as the wood stove was only allowed to smolder during the night in order to conserve wood. I opened the door to Samantha’s room and walked inside. Samantha set the lamp on her dresser and closed the door behind us.
“Okay, we can talk now, unless you are too tired.”
“No, I am okay.” My teeth were chattering. “But I sure am freezing!”
“You are always freezing.” Samantha laughed as I put my blanket around my shoulders and sat on the cot that had been placed next to her bed.
For a minute she seemed to forget
I was shunned, and we just acted like sisters again. I looked at the cot, realizing it was for me. Despite the fact that Samantha had a full-sized bed and that it was normal for Amish sisters to sleep together, especially in winter, I would have to sleep separately because I was in the Bann.
I sat on my cot, rubbing my freezing feet as Samantha looked curiously through my things. She took out my makeup bag and opened and smelled the contents curiously.
“You’re wearing makeup, huh?” she asked, staring at my face.
“Just a little bit.”
She peered at my eyes. “Wow, that black stuff really makes your eyes look green.”
I thought she was going to try some of it on for a moment, but she quickly stuffed everything back in the bag and zipped it up. I was afraid to say much for fear of angering and spooking her before I had a chance to tell her everything that had happened over the past seven months.
“You should see these.” I handed her the pictures I had of us as teenagers.
Without thinking, Samantha reached out and took them from me. Our eyes met at the precise moment when we both realized she had just taken something from my hand. It was forbidden to take anything from the hand of a shunned person, to sit and eat at the same table with them, to have any kind of business transaction with them, or to socialize with them unless an emergency arose. A shunned person was allowed to attend church services, but they had to sit in a chair set apart from the rest of the community, usually off to the side of the minister’s bench.
I was in the Meidung, which was the strictest form of shunning because I had left the Church. The only reason I was allowed in the house at all was because they were trying to lure me home. I also knew that if I ever returned, I would be under close supervision for the rest of my life. Even then, it would be two to five years before I’d be accepted back as a church member, and there would be almost no possibility that I would ever marry. No Amish mother or father would ever allow their sons to marry one that had strayed as much as I had. But I had no intentions of returning to the Amish, despite the happiness I felt being in familiar surroundings with my sister.
When Samantha realized she had taken the pictures from my hand, she dropped them as if they were hot potatoes. I watched as they scattered across the floor. This is ridiculous, I thought to myself as I gathered them back up. But I had promised to respect the rules. I would not gain anything by causing problems. I set the stack of pictures down on the floor where Samantha could pick them up. She reached out for them. I could see that she really wanted to look at them, even if they were a reminder of our horrible past. Despite the awfulness of our mountain home, it was still a part of us that we would carry with us forever.
Samantha’s eyes filled with tears as she looked at the pictures. I could tell she was remembering the day they were taken. I tried to fight the tears, but to no avail. Again, I reached out for Samantha to give her a hug, but she shook her head as she wiped away her own tears.
“Emma, don’t tell anyone I took those pictures out of your hand, or I will get in trouble,” she said as she continued rummaging through my stuff. She took out a pair of small, sparkling hoop earrings that I had stowed in a side pocket and held them up to her ears as she stared into my little mirror.
“Don’t be ridiculous; of course, I won’t tell anyone, Samantha,” I said as I smiled at how funny she looked with hoop earrings and her Amish clothes. Samantha laughed, too, and looked at the rhinestone studs I was wearing.
“You really aren’t coming back to the Amish, are you?”
I shook my head and let down my long hair. “No, Samantha.” I looked her straight in the eyes so she could see how serious I was. “Did you think I was?”
“Not really.” Samantha looked down at the sparkling earrings in her hand. “I know how you are when you make up your mind.”
I nodded. “I want to be honest with you, Samantha. I came here to take you back with me.”
“I know.” Samantha was still looking at the earrings as the lamp light played across them. “You know,” she mused, “I always secretly wanted to wear those really long diamond earrings.”
“Really?” I smiled in surprise. “I never knew that.”
“Yeah, I know. I never told anyone, but once when I was in Wal-Mart, I tried to put a pair on.” She rubbed her earlobe where the piercing had grown over. Our dad had pierced our ears when we were babies, and I remembered seeing pictures of us wearing little heart earrings.
“You know, Daniel does not like that I have these old piercings.” Samantha continued to rub her ear. I thought she looked sad. “I try to keep them covered well underneath my Kapp, but I see him looking at them sometimes.”
I bit my lip, not wanting to say anything rude about someone I had never met. Samantha saw my expression and looked away.
“He’s nice, Emma.” She sighed. “I could do way worse. He is nicer than most men around here.”
“Do you even really know him, Samantha?” I asked.
“Do we ever really know anyone?” she asked me back. “What about Peter? I can’t believe Peter did those things you said he did. I always knew he was creepy, but I never thought he was like that.”
We spent the next two hours talking about everything that had happened over the past two years.
“That b**tard,” Samantha said in English as I haltingly told her about Peter threatening to kill me and the fact that he ran to Canada to avoid the police.
“Exactly, Samantha,” I agreed. “How can you pretend to stay in a church that allows this sort of thing to happen? How can you believe this is the only way you can get to heaven?”
“Well, I don’t think what he did was right, but you have got to let the Church handle these things. That’s what the rules are for — so we know what to do when something happens.”
“So you think I was wrong to go to the police?”
Samantha nodded. “You risked everything, Emma, and you could have been killed. What were you thinking?”
“No, Samantha,” I shook my head violently. “You are just settling for the easy road. You know these things are wrong, yet you don’t want to do anything about them.”
Samantha snapped at me. “There is nothing I can do unless I want to be shunned with you.”
“You can come back with me,” I ventured, as I began telling her about my plan for both of us. “I promise you, Samantha,” I looked at her earnestly, “I will never leave you alone until you are ready. I promise.” I held up my GED proudly. “Look. I got this in just a few months, and I will help you get yours.”
“I am not as smart as you are,” Samantha said forlornly. “I would never make it out there.”
“Samantha,” I chided her. “I will be there. I know you can do it.”
“No.” Samantha shook her head. “I have a life here. My life is planned out all the way to the grave. If I marry Daniel, I will have security, status, in-laws … I will have everything.”
We continued talking for a while. I could see that Samantha was not going to go back to Seattle with me. In one last attempt to try and persuade her, I brought up the issue of sexual abuse and what had happened to me. I do not know why I was shocked when Samantha confided in me that there were two known sexual predators in her church. I also felt sad that she did not seem too concerned about what had happened to me. No matter what had happened, I was still the bad one for not keeping quiet about it, for not letting the church handle it.
A year earlier, there had been an Amish sexual abuse case that had grabbed national headlines and it had not been far from where Samantha was now living. Mary Schrock (name has been changed) was a girl from a district not far from where Samantha now lived. She had been raped most of her life by her brothers. When she tried to tell her mother, she merely said that little Mary was not praying enough. Finally, Mary decided to go to the police after hearing her four-year-old sister say that
their brothers were bad to her. Somehow, she got authorities to listen, and she agreed to wear a wire and confront one of her brothers. She got him on tape admitting that he had raped her at least fifty times. At the end of the trial, her stepfather, her brothers, and even her mother, were sentenced to jail or probation. Some of her brothers were currently serving their sentences in a Wisconsin prison. Contrary to popular belief, there are Amish that end up in prison, but only if someone is brave enough to step forward.
I woke to the sound of children squealing and racing through the halls. I sat up on the cot and blinked my eyes; it took me a minute to remember where I was. I looked at the white walls and the blue curtains over the window and the royal blue quilt that was on the bed. So familiar, I thought as I stood up. I always loved the Amish way of having clean, crisp white or light blue walls contrasted with dark blue curtains, wood floors and deep, rich quilts. These were things I loved and missed, but I could not let myself dwell on them.
I looked at the clock. It was only a little past 6:30. I had been asleep barely two hours. I was still sleepy but I figured there was no use trying to sleep with the children running about in the hall. I began taking off my worldly clothes. Samantha had left a royal blue dress, green apron and white Kapp hanging on the door.
My hands shook a little as I slipped the dress over my head, and, out of pure habit, I gathered the collar at the front and deftly began pinning down the front of the dress. I took the towel off of Samantha’s mirror and gasped when I saw myself in the Amish dress. It was like I was living out the nightmares that had been haunting me so. I was Amish again!
Tears of the Silenced Page 28