by L. J. Hamlin
Jed just laughs. There’s no point arguing with Penny when she gets insistent, so he grabs his things and heads for the door.
“Welcome to the band,” Jed says when he reaches Donnie.
“Thank you,” Donnie says, a little shyly, so Jed bumps his shoulder against Donnie’s, wanting to get Donnie to feel comfortable around them.
Donnie smiles, and it’s like a punch in Jed’s gut, but he ignores it. He won’t be fooled again.
Chapter 1
“You’re nervous,” Kelly accuses.
Donnie glances over his shoulder, away from the mirror he’d been looking into. Kelly’s laid herself out on his bed, her bright pink hair spread out on his pillow. She’s short, curvy, beautiful. She reminds of him of a little pixie, and he loves her like a sister.
“I’m not nervous.” Donnie turns back to the mirror to check his eye liner. He’s dressed casually in a T-shirt and shorts, flip flops on his feet, but a little light make up makes him feel better. It’s like armor.
“I know it’s the first time you’ve been to Jed’s house, but it’s not the first time you’ve met the band,” Kelly points out.
Jed called him on Monday to tell him the band and some friends and family were meeting at his house for a barbeque that Saturday, and Donnie was invited. Jed had said it would be a good chance for Donnie to get to know everyone outside of work, so Donnie had agreed. But now that the day is here, he feels on edge.
Donnie sighs. “I know it’s stupid. I’ve met up with them a few times since the audition. We’ve played together a bunch of times. But I dunno, going to his house seems different. Jed said a lot of the band are bringing family, and you know how I am with family gatherings.”
He’s waiting for the band to ask more questions about his family life, and he’s dreading it. They must’ve gotten a hint that things weren’t perfect for him because he mentioned being involved with the homeless charity as a teen, before he worked for them. But they might think his family members are dead, when the truth is Donnie is the one dead to them, and he has been since the day they discovered he was bisexual.
“I know you’re not comfortable at family things, but you’ve been a lot better. You spend holidays with my family.” Kelly is wonderful. She works part time for the same charity as he does as well as being the manager at a bakery. Her family has practically adopted him.
“I love your family. I think maybe it’s because things have been going so well. I don’t want to ruin this by having to explain that my own family can’t stand the sight of me.” Finally satisfied with his eye liner, Donnie stops fiddling with it.
“That won’t ruin things. I mean, two of them are gay. They probably know what it’s like to have people be assholes about it. They won’t judge you just because your family is a bag of dicks,” Kelly says.
Donnie groans. “Ugh, I hate being nervous. I mean, the band, they’re all nice people. Me and Penny have been texting a lot. She’s really nice. I shouldn’t be nervous.”
“And Jed is nice,” Kelly says, waggling her eyebrows in a way you only normally see in TV shows, not real life.
“Don’t start,” Donnie says, finding his wallet and keys and putting them in his pocket.
“What? I’m just saying he’s a very attractive man,” Kelly says, casually teasing him.
“Kelly, you’re a lesbian.”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t recognize a sexy man when I see one. And he is a sexy rock god. You’d be blind not to notice, and I know that you’ve noticed,” Kelly replies.
“Fine, he’s hot. But he’s not even really my type, and I’m not complicating things by getting a crush on someone I work with.” Donnie perches on the edge of the bed. He’s ready to leave, but he’s stalling.
Kelly raises her eyebrows. “How is he not your type?”
“He was married to a woman. I don’t do closet cases.” Donnie feels like an asshole just for saying it. He knows it’s not easy to come out, and it’s been a few years. When Jed was younger, it was probably a lot harder to be out and be in rock music.
Lots of gay men marry women. It’s a little dishonest, but Donnie doesn’t really blame Jed for what he did. It’s not like Donnie knows the details—anything could have been going on—but it’s as good an excuse as any.
“He’s out now, so that’s not a reason.”
“He’s ten years older than me. He calls me kid. They all call me kid.” Donnie sighs. He’s not a kid, but he gets why they say it. There is an age gap. They’ve all been in the music industry a lot longer than he has.
“Like you care about age. I mean, it’d be creepy if he were ten years younger than you, but you’re not telling me you can’t find an older guy attractive. I know you’ve liked older guys before,” Kelly says, and the problem with Kelly is she knows him too well.
“Fine, I find him attractive. But I don’t want to crush on this guy, Kelly. I want to work with him. I want to be his friend. A crush would just make a mess of things.” Donnie really wants to be a part of this band. He wants it to work. He’s always wanted to be in a real band.
It’s been Donnie’s dream to perform on a big stage ever since he first picked up a guitar. He loves the rush of performing. He’s been in a few bands, played to some not too bad crowds. But Black Lace is world famous; they play huge gigs. Donnie doesn’t want to do anything to mess that up.
“You know it’s hard to stop a crush just because you don’t want to have a crush. I mean, you can’t just turn attraction off,” Kelly says.
“Sheer force of will? I don’t know. I mean, he’s really hot. And he seems like a good guy. It won’t be easy. But I’m not a hormonal teenager anymore. I have some control over my dick. If worse comes to worse, and I do start crushing on him? As long as you’re the only one who knows, it won’t mess things up.” Donnie’s determined. He’s going to be a rock star. He’s going to play guitar for Black Lace. He’s not going to fuck it up because the lead singer’s gorgeous.
Donnie isn’t some silly kid with no control over himself. He will not develop a crush on Jed.
“If you say so.”
“I won’t get one, and if I do, I won’t act on it. I should go,” Donnie says, but he still doesn’t move.
“Come on, don’t be a wuss. Go to the party. Have a good time. You’ll love it,” Kelly smiles.
“If I have a terrible time, I’m blaming you,” Donnie jokes.
“Oh, don’t be a princess.” Kelly pokes her tongue out. It’s her favorite way to try and wind him up, to call him a princess. She knows it doesn’t offend him. It’s just a joke between them. Donnie’s number is even saved in Kelly’s phone under princess, and for his twenty-first birthday, Kelly organized a princess party bar crawl for him and all their friends.
“You are a heartless bitch,” Donnie says, standing up.
“Go party!” Kelly nudges him with her foot.
“Let me just check my hair,” Donnie says, heading to the mirror.
“Princess,” Kelly singsongs.
“I’m going to the lead singer of Black Lace’s house. I will be hanging out with the coolest people in California. I can’t have hair like a bird’s nest,” Donnie retorts. He grabs a brush and starts quickly running it through his long hair.
“Nothing to do with impressing a certain rockstar?” Kelly teases.
“Of course I want to impress him, but with my guitar playing, not my hair.”
He’d be a liar if he said he hadn’t wondered if Jed found him attractive. But he often wonders that. If he meets a gay man, or a straight woman, he wonders if they want him. It’s just a habit. He does the same as a lot of people—he looks at an attractive person, and he wonders about them, what it would like to be with them. He can’t help wanting to know if Jed has pictured being with him, even if it’ll never come to anything.
“Your guitar playing is epic and so is your hair. You look very handsome, but not like you’re trying to be. Stop fussing,” Kelly orders.
Donni
e puts down the brush, then runs a hand through his hair, then he runs a hand over the shaved smooth side. He shaved it yesterday, ready for the party. Donnie isn’t vain, but he likes the way his hair looks right now, the color and the style.
HIs parents would hate to see him looking like this. The last time he saw them his hair was short, messy, and dyed black. He’d been in a bit of a goth phase, and his parents had hated that. They hated anything different. They were all about conforming to the American ideal set by the PTA.
Growing his hair had been partly out of defiance, a fuck you to his family. But he really likes it long. He likes having it pulled, just lightly. Too hard pisses him off, but a light tug turns him to putty.
“Okay, I have my cell phone. If you need anything, call me or text me,” Donnie says, patting his pockets to make sure he has everything.
“Try and have fun. Don’t sit in the corner texting people all day,” Kelly says, giving him an over the top wink.
“I won’t. I promise.” Donnie hopes it’s not a promise he’s going to break. He has two modes—he can either be really confident or really shy, with not much in between, and he can’t always tell how he’s going to be in different situations.
He kisses Kelly goodbye and leaves their apartment. Jed emailed Donnie directions to his house, with the google map link already attached. Donnie’s pretty sure he can get their easily. Between him and Kelly, they’ve a pretty decent, two-bedroom apartment, but Jed lives in the kind of neighborhood that Donnie doesn’t even normally visit.
It’s a gated community, but Jed gave him the guest code to get in. Donnie drives his slightly crappy car along the immaculate streets, till he gets close to Jed’s place. It’s a great house, big, but not ridiculously large for one person. It seems to glow in the sun—the sun is always shining on the rich and famous. He finds a place to park and gets out, walking the rest of the way.
Nerves churn in his stomach again now that he doesn’t have the drive to focus on. He walks up to the door and rings the bell, taking a deep breath. He relaxes a little when Penny is the one to open the door. She’s been so warm and friendly since his audition, and in the three weeks since then, Donnie would say they have become friends.
She looks cute in a blue sundress with yellow flowers over it, her trade-mark blonde pigtails down to her shoulders. The dress reveals that she has tattoos on her arms. She has a full Nightmare Before Christmas sleeve on her right arm, and some swirly flowers covering just her upper left arm.
“Donnie!” Penny says happily, and she grabs him for a bone crushing hug. She’s strong for a little thing. She’s a tiny bit taller than him, though, but small in build, not that Donnie is a big guy. He hugs Penny back.
“Hiya, gorgeous,” Donnie says, kissing Penny on the cheek.
“Flatterer. Come on, all the band is here,” Penny tells him, opening the door wider to let him in.
“Am I late?” Donnie asks, worried. He doesn’t want to make a bad impression. They’re all really cool, really talented musicians. He’s still a little star struck, even though he’s worked with famous people in the studio. He’s played for a lot of different people, from nobodies starting out, to big names, and he’s talked with some of them, but he was hired by the studio to work a session in those circumstances. He wasn’t part of the band.
This time, he’s joining these very famous people, people he’s seen on TV. He’s being welcomed into their band, into Jed’s home. It’s a little intimidating.
“No, sweetie, you got the time right. Most of us were just early. Brenton wanted to get here early enough to take control of the barbeque, Drew has taken control of the music, and I came early to help set up. A lot of the other guests are here, but I think a few more people are still on their way,” Penny replies.
“I’m a little nervous,” Donnie finds himself admitting as Penny leads the way to the backyard.
She stops in the hallway, just off the kitchen, where Donnie can hear people talking. “Are we that scary?” Penny asks.
“No, you’re all really nice. I’m just worried I’ll make a fool of myself.”
“Oh, Donnie, we’ve all made fools of ourselves in front of each other at some point. That’s the way a band is. You might never do it, but it’s not a big deal if you do,” Penny says gently.
“I’m not normally so anxious. Kelly, my roommate, she pretty much had to kick me out of my own room.” Donnie groans.
“I’ll look after you. I promise. You start to feel nervous, just come find me if I’m not with you. It’s not as scary as you think it’s going to be. Jed’s parties are always really laid back.” Penny assures him.
“Okay, I’ll stop being a big baby. I’m ready to go meet everyone,” Donnie says, taking another deep breath.
“You’re not being a baby. Nerves are totally normal. I know it can’t be easy coming into a close group. Cherry Lee found it hard to start with. But you’re very much welcome here.” Penny gives him a little affectionate nudge.
“Thanks.” Donnie has been scared about trying to become part of an established band. He’s joined bands before, just never a band that has been together for such a long time. But he isn’t being made to feel unwelcome.
He does get this weird feeling that Jamie doesn’t like him, however, and he doesn’t know why. He’s hardly been around her, apart from when he was signing his contract. He hasn’t really had the chance to offend her. He can only think that maybe she doesn’t like the idea of anyone replacing Cherry Lee. They were probably friends. There’s just a small, paranoid part of Donnie that makes him think it’s personal, that she doesn’t like him, instead of her disliking anyone that replaced Cherry Lee.
Penny takes his hand, leading him through the kitchen, which is empty now, and into the back yard. It’s not overcrowded, not to the point of being overwhelming, but it’s pretty busy.
Penny takes him over to a group of people. Donnie only recognizes Jed and Jamie. It’s the first time Donnie has seen Jamie not wearing a suit. She’s in a long black maxi dress. It looks good on her. She’s not really Donnie’s type, but he can see the appeal easily.
He can also see the appeal of Jed, who looks handsome in a green shirt open over a black tank top, and green shorts. He looks tanned and happy, smiling brightly. He seems to be in his element, hosting, talking animatedly to the group of people around him.
“Hi, everyone. Sorry to interrupt. This is Donnie. He’s our new guitarist. Everyone be nice,” Penny says brightly.
“Hi.” Donnie gives a little wave. He feels like such a dork.
Everyone says hello to him, and the conversation starts up again, but they include him. He gets asked questions. At one point he mentions his roommate, and Jed focuses on him.
“You could have brought her, if you wanted. Friends, family, girlfriends, all welcome,” Jed tells him, and he has this warm smile. It’s so laid back, down to earth, not what Donnie thinks of when he thinks of a rock star with platinum selling albums. He likes it.
“Thanks. Maybe next time. She actually has a date tonight. It’s a blind date our friend set her up on, so she couldn’t cancel,” Donnie replies.
“So when you say roommate, you mean roommate, not girlfriend?” One of Jed’s friends, a girl called Lisa, who’s there with her husband and kids, asks. There’s a baby on her hip, burbling happily as she talks.
“Oh, no. Kelly’s like my sister.” Donnie shakes his head.
“No spark?” Penny asks.
“None at all, and even if there were, she’s a lesbian, so we’re not compatible that way.” Donnie shrugs.
“Are you dating anyone?” Jamie asks, sipping from a glass of white wine, her brown eyes focused on Donnie.
“No. I recently got out of a kind of complicated relationship,” Donnie replies awkwardly. He hasn’t really talked about this with anyone but Kelly, and now he’s about to tell a group of strangers, but he wants to be honest with the band. He’ll be around them too much for secrets.
“
Complicated?” Jed asks, looking curious.
“Well, I was dating a couple. They’d been together for years, but they wanted someone else. But It wasn’t like a true polygamous relationship. I was never…I wasn’t an equal part of things. I was a plaything, and I got sick of it,” Donnie says.
The sex had been great, but the whole thing had left Donnie feeling used. He’s seen poly relationships that work really well, but what he had hadn’t worked. The couple he’d been with had just wanted a glorified sex toy to spice up their relationship.
“Anyone else’s love life suddenly seem a bit boring?” Lisa asks, and her husband elbows her.
“You’ll get no sympathy from me. Single as hell over here.” Penny sighs.
“We’ll be going on tour soon. It’ll be easier for the single people on tour. No lovers for us to miss,” Jed says.
“Just don’t screw the wrong person on tour,” Jamie says, and Donnie would swear she glances at him as she says it, but no one seems to notice, and Jed laughs.
After a while, Jed asks why he’s not drinking, and Donnie explains that he drove himself here. Which is when Penny suggests he stay, saying he can share the spare bedroom with her. Donnie debates it, but everyone seems to think it’s a good idea. So he takes the beer handed to him and settles in for the night. He’s having a good time. Why not stay? When he texts Kelly to tell her he won’t be home, he gets a winky-face emoticon back in response, which makes Donnie laugh. When he looks up from his phone, he notices two things.
Jed is looking at him, and Jamie is glaring at Jed. Donnie wonders if she’s still in love with him—but that’s none of his business. He’s staying out of that drama.
Chapter 2
Jed rocks back from the microphone as the song comes to an end, the last notes of the music fading around him. Rehearsal is going well. It’s not Black Lace’s first rehearsal since they added their new member, but it’s the first where they’re actually preparing for a specific performance. The production company has booked them on a TV show to give them a chance to introduce Donnie, and to squash rumors that Cherry Lee leaving will be the end of Black Lace.