by L. J. Hamlin
“I don’t have either at the moment,” Donnie says, relieved he gets it out without stuttering.
“But would it be a girlfriend? If you were with someone, I mean,” Anna asks.
“It could be either. I’m bisexual,” Donnie replies. He’d been so afraid the first time he said those words, but now, it feels easy to say them, even on TV.
Hell, anyone could be watching. His family could be watching him on TV right now. He wonders if they are, or if they would have just turned the channel when they saw him on the screen. What would they think? Seeing him on TV, seeing him succeed in music, and being so open about his sexuality. They’d probably throw a fit. They won’t be pleased about it if and when they find out.
Donnie shakes away those thoughts. They don’t matter. He won’t waste time thinking about them. Kelly and all his other friends are at home watching him. They’re proud of him; that’s what matters. The people who love him are proud of him.
“So, everyone has a chance,” Penny says with an exaggerated wink, and everyone laughs and moves on.
The rest of the interview goes by in a blur, but Donnie’s pretty sure he doesn’t make a fool of himself, which had been his biggest concern. They finish their interview and play their second song, and then they’re being herded back into the green room, where Jamie meets them, telling them they did well.
Donnie spots the fruit basket on the table and frowns. The fruit looks rotten. There’s a note attached, with Jed printed in block type letters.
“You have a package,” Donnie says.
“Weird. Is this from the studio?” Jed asks Jamie, picking the note off the tainted fruit.
“It’s the same as before.” Jed sounds a little shocked. He holds out the note to Donnie. Donnie takes the note from him and reads the short message.
You will die alone.
“What’s it say? That fruit is disgusting,” Penny says, wrinkling her nose at the fruit.
Donnie hands the note back to Jed, who then hands it to Jamie.
She scowls. “I’ll talk to security. This never should have gotten in here.”
“What’s going on?” Drew asks.
“What do you mean it’s the same as before?” Brenton asks.
“I’m going to talk to security. Stay here, and stay together,” Jamie says firmly, leaving and taking the note with her.
Penny gives Jed a look. “Well? What’s going on?”
“You should tell them,” Donnie says. He knows Jed doesn’t want to worry his band, but this is something they should know.
“Tell us what?” Brenton snaps.
“I found a note like this on my car after rehearsal. Both of them said the same thing: that I would die alone.” Jed goes over to the couch to sit down.
“You got a death threat, and you didn’t tell us?” Drew asks, looking annoyed.
Penny folds her arms across her chest. “But Donnie knew. He wasn’t surprised by the note.”
“I was there when he found the first note,” Donnie says.
“I asked him not to say anything. I didn’t want to worry you all over nothing. And I’m sure it’s nothing still,” Jed says firmly.
“Two death threats in two days, and you’re saying it’s nothing? And they got it into the green room.” Brenton’s expression is thunderous, and Donnie doesn’t blame him. He’s worried, too. Jed seems so relaxed about it, like he’s used to getting death threats.
“Jamie was looking into it. The security cameras didn’t pick up anything unusual last time, just staff and Jed’s car was off camera for a while when the camera moved. It was after rehearsal,” Jed explains.
“You need to be careful. This weirdo could be serious,” Penny says softly.
“It’ll be fine. I’ll let Jamie up security. Now let’s get changed so we can all go home.” Jed gets up and takes off his jacket.
“Jamie didn’t want you alone,” Penny points out.
“I’ll get my clothes and change in your dressing room,” Drew says.
“Okay, let’s get ready and get out of here.” Jed picks up his jacket, and they all leave the green room to go to different dressing rooms.
Donnie goes to his, still shocked that he has his own dressing room, and changes quickly. Once he’s finished, he goes to Penny’s dressing room and knocks on the door.
“Who is it?” Penny calls out.
“It’s Donnie. Can I come in?” Donnie asks.
“Of course,” Penny says, and Donnie lets himself into the room. Penny is dressed. She’s braiding her hair again, to neaten it up.
Donnie shuts the door behind him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the note. Jed asked me not to tell anyone,” Donnie blurts out. He feels bad for keeping a secret from Penny when she’s been so kind and open with him.
“I don’t blame you. I’m a little annoyed at Jed. He knows better than to keep things from the rest of us.” Penny sighs.
“I think he just didn’t want to worry everyone,” Donnie says, leaning against the wall.
“He’s like that: never wanting to upset anybody, or worry them. He’s a fool. It’s better that we know some wacko has their sights on him. We can look out for him now—and each other,” Penny says reasonably.
“Do you really think he has some kind of stalker?” Donnie asks.
“Don’t stress about it. We’ve all had slightly strange fans; Jed more than the rest of us. It never turns out to be anything really bad. It just pays to be careful,” Penny says, finishing up her hair. They’ll tighten security for a bit, and the stalker will get bored. It’ll be fine.”
“Cool. Well, I’m still sorry I didn’t tell you. I know you don’t expect me to tell you everything about me, but that was band business, so I should have told you.” Donnie pulls his cell phone out of his pocket to turn it back on. He’d had it off during the show.
“Don’t be silly. It’s fine. Now I’m going to tweet at you to make it easier for fans to find your Twitter,” Penny says, tapping away on her own cell phone.
Seconds later, Donnie’s phone buzzes with a tweet notification, and he opens it to see Penny’s tweet to him, to the account he’d set up when he joined the band.
Welcome @DonniesmallBL to Black Lace!!!!
“What should I tweet back?” Donnie asks, and he’s going to have to change his settings because his phone is going crazy as all of Penny’s followers respond to her tweet.
“Whatever feels right,” Penny shrugs.
@RealPennyAlvery Really looking forward to rocking with you guys
Donnie changes his settings, but every time he looks at his Twitter, his follower count has shot up and up.
“This is crazy.” Donnie stares at his phone.
“The fans like you. Have fun with Twitter, but don’t spend too much time looking at what people say to and about you, because the internet really brings out the crazies sometimes. Most of the fans are cool, and it’ll be lovely stuff, but you will get trolls.”
“I’ll try and get the balance right and ignore the trolls. I know the anonymity of Twitter allows some people to get nasty. So far I’m getting lots of ‘welcome to the band’ tweets and nice comments about tonight’s show.” Donnie smiles.
“Twitter can be a really fun way to connect with fans,” Penny says with a smile.
There’s a knock on the door, someone telling them their rides are ready, so they get moving. Donnie goes back to his dressing room and grabs his things, and within a few minutes, he’s being led to a car that’s going to drive him home.
Donnie says goodbye to the rest of the band, who have their own cars waiting. Penny gives him a big hug. He bumps fists with Brenton and Drew, and then he’s face to face with Jed, who leans in and gives him a quick hug.
“I’m sorry I asked you not to tell anyone. I still don’t think it’s a big deal, but I shouldn’t ask you to keep secrets for me,” Jed says in a rush.
“It’s okay,” Donnie says softly. Jed hugs people all the time,
so Donnie knows getting a hug from him isn’t a big deal, but it feels like a big deal.
“I won’t do it again,” Jed swears.
“Don’t worry about it, dude,” Donnie says, trying to shake off the weird feeling he’s left with after Jed’s hug.
“Come on, Jed,” Jamie says, taking Jed’s arm and leading him away.
Jamie is the only one around the band that hasn’t been welcoming to Donnie. It’s like she doesn’t like him for some reason. It’s not that she’s outright rude to him or horrible. There’s just a coldness from her that Donnie doesn’t understand. He doesn’t think he’s done anything to offend her.
Donnie waves goodbye to the band and gets in the car waiting for him, which is a weird as hell feeling. Donnie really isn’t used to being driven around yet. But he decides to enjoy it, sitting back on the plush seats and playing with Twitter.
Kelly is curled up on half the couch when he gets back to their apartment. She has a bottle of wine on the coffee table, two glasses, and a box of pizza.
“Is this a date?” Donnie asks, kicking off his boots.
“Asshole. It’s a celebration for your first TV appearance. I wanted to do something nice for you.” Kelly shrugs.
“You are the best best-friend ever,” Donnie says happily, taking his spot on the couch next to Kelly, who drapes a blanket over both of them. They’ve spent so many nights like this, just relaxing together. It’s nice to have a best friend you can share everything with.
“I know I am.” Kelly smiles, leaning forward to snag the bottle and pour out a glass of red wine for each of them.
“Modest too,” Donnie teases.
“So how are you feeling, rock star?” Kelly asks.
“Good. I feel great, actually. How did the show look? You were watching, right?” Donnie asks.
“Of course, I watched. It was great. You didn’t even look that nervous.” Kelly smiles.
“I was nervous, though—really nervous,” Donnie admits.
“I know, baby. I saw you before you left. You did such a good job working through it.” Kelly pats his leg above the blanket.
Donnie smiles and takes a sip of his wine. It’s good. Then he snags the pizza box and takes a slice.
“So Jed got another weird note.” Donnie told Kelly about the note being left on Jed’s car when it happened. Jed had only asked him not to tell the band, and Kelly isn’t part of the band, so Donnie didn’t felt bad about telling her.
“Same thing as before?” Kelly asks.
“Yep. It came with a rotting fruit basket this time.” Donnie shudders thinking about it. Despite everything the band has said about this all being fine, Donnie has a bad feeling about this stalker person. They seem to have access to Jed’s life, and Donnie doesn’t like that.
“You’re worried,” Kelly says, getting her own slice of pizza from the box.
“A little. Maybe it’s because I’m not used to it. Jed and Penny have both told me it’s nothing to worry about. Brenton and Drew didn’t seem too bothered by it. They were more annoyed that Jed hadn’t told them about the first note, than the actual note,” Donnie replies.
“You just need to get used to that rock star lifestyle.”
“It’s so weird. It’s such a big band. They’re all so famous, and I’m part of that now. It kind of hasn’t sunk in yet.” Donnie can’t believe he just played two songs live on TV and did an interview.
“So you had a good time?” Kelly asks.
“It was amazing. I love performing with them. They’re all so skilled, it’s amazing,” Donnie says, trying not to gush, but he’s seriously impressed with these people.
“It was a great performance. You guys sounded great,” Kelly says happily.
“I have a huge crush on Jed,” Donnie blurts out.
“Well, duh.” Kelly rolls her eyes.
“You knew?” Donnie groans.
“I’ve heard you talk about guys you were crushing on before. I recognize the signs. It’s pretty clear to me you like him.” Kelly shrugs.
“Do you think it’s obvious to everyone?” Donnie asks, worrying his bottom lip.
“No. You’re not like ridiculously obvious about it. I can tell because I’ve known you for years. They don’t know you as well as I do. And I knew you’d go back on your word when you said it,” Kelly replies. Donnie sighs. “You don’t plan to tell him, then?” Kelly asks.
“Are you crazy? I’m not telling someone I work with that I have a crush on them.” Donnie shakes his head and takes another big bite of his slice of pizza.
“This can’t be the first time you’ve had a crush on someone you work with,” Kelly says.
“I’ve been attracted to guys I’ve been in bands with before, but they usually weren’t gay or as gorgeous as Jed.”
“You have it bad. Would it be so bad if he knew?” Kelly asks.
“It’d be awkward as hell. I mean, Jed’s a good guy, so I don’t think he’d be an asshole about it. He’d probably just think I was a kid with a crush. I don’t want to make things weird. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me.”
“You sure he thinks of you as a kid?” Kelly asks, sipping her wine.
“Not in like a condescending way, but yeah.” Donnie nods, and then he changes the subject because he doesn’t want to talk about his hopeless crush anymore. He wants to just have a nice time with his best friend.
Chapter 4
The tour bus is traveling down some road between states, driving through the night to their next show. Jed’s unable to sleep, so he’s alone in the lounge watching TV when Donnie appears out of the bunk area. He looks surprised to see Jed, but he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and then sits on the other end of the couch.
They’ve been on tour for three weeks, now. It’s not the first time Jed has seen Donnie in his pajamas, but he still finds it cute. They aren’t anything special, just a plain black T-shirt and black cotton pajama pants. But he looks cute in them, his feet bare and his long hair slightly rumpled. He looks sleepy and adorable.
His arms are bare, revealing they’re more toned than Jed had expected when he’d first seen them, and what had been less surprising was all the tattoos. His right arm is covered in a sleeve of black and grey shaded roses and thorns. His left arm is covered in musical notes. The tattoos are kind of hot. Jed likes a man with ink, and he’s had a few idle thoughts about whether Donnie has ink anywhere else.
“Can’t sleep?” Jed asks after Donnie has taken a drink from his water bottle.
“Bad dream woke me up. I want to chill before I try and sleep again. I’m not bothering you, am I?” Donnie asks. It seems to Jed that Donnie’s getting more comfortable with the band as time passes, but he’s still a little nervous around them, a little unsure at times.
“Of course, you’re not. I couldn’t sleep, so I was working. But I got bored with that. I welcome the distraction,” Jed says.
“Do you have trouble sleeping a lot?” Donnie asks.
“Not really. Sometimes when a tour first starts it throws me out of my sleep pattern. But I’ve been pretty good this time around. I’ve been meaning to ask: how are you feeling? I know this is the biggest tour you’ve ever been on.” Jed has found himself worrying about Donnie, being new to this. He worries about all of his band mates. It’s not easy being away from home.
Donnie smiles. “I sometimes can’t believe I’m here, on a tour bus, playing such big shows. It’s like a dream.”
“Not missing home?” Jed asks.
“I talk to Kelly most days. I text with my other friends. I miss them at times, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. It’s not like I’m cut off. Do you miss home?” Donnie asks.
“I do a bit. I have the band. I call Jamie a lot. I skype with my parents. But I’m used to it. I’ve been touring for years and years. But that’s why Cherry Lee left. She didn’t like spending so much time away from her family, especially her kids,” Jed replies.
Donnie shakes his head. “I c
ouldn’t imagine how hard it’d be to be away from your kids.”
“Me either, and I want them one day. When I’m settled with someone. I’d have to really trust someone before I had kids, and I kind of have trouble with that,” Jed finds himself admitting. He has told other people, but Donnie is easy to talk to.
“I don’t know if I want kids. My family life was screwed up. I’m not good at the whole family thing. But I think you’d be a good dad. I guess it’s hard to find someone you want to have kids with when you’ve got our kind of schedule.”
“You’re still young. You’ve got a lot of time to decide if you want to have kids,” Jed says.
Donnie frowns. “I just, I don’t know if I know how to be a parent. I didn’t have the best example.”
“You haven’t talked about your family much. Can I ask what happened?” Jed asks. He’s been wondering since Donnie explained that he had a big family that he didn’t talk to.
“I was fourteen. They found some porn on my computer. At first I thought they were just mad because of the porn—they didn’t approve of that kind of thing—but then they asked if I was gay, and I admitted I was bi.” Donnie pauses, sipping from his water bottle and looking pensive
Jed reaches out and squeezes Donnie’s arm briefly, his clumsy attempt at offering comfort.
“They wanted me to go to a therapist and have conversion therapy. They said that and the church could help me be normal. I said I was normal. We argued for hours. They said if I wouldn’t change, I couldn’t be in their lives. So I packed a bag and left.” Donnie says it with a blank face, but a hint of emotion comes through in the strain in his voice.
It hurts to see Donnie trying to be so brave when he’s clearly hurting. To be disowned at just fourteen…Jed had been so far in the closet at that age that he’d convinced himself he was straight. He’d also lived with loving parents. Parents who supported him when he went into music, when he got married young, and then years later when he came out.
“Have you had any contact with them since then?” Jed asks.
“Not really. When I was still in the same area as them, they’d walk past me like I wasn’t there, apart from my oldest brother, who’d call me a faggot, and some of them would call me a sinner. I knew they were never going to come around, so I left the suburbs and came right to Cali. Met up with the charity I work for and got my life sorted.” Donnie almost trips over his words in his rush to get them out, and Jed has a feeling that he’s getting an edited version of Donnie’s history, but Jed isn’t about to push. He doesn’t know Donnie well enough yet.