He wiggled his way between my legs and his hands moved to my waist, fiddling with my tank top. The sly touch to my bare skin turned me on. Heat pooled to my core.
His lips pressed to mine with want and need which felt more like need than want. My kiss was his undoing. What he didn’t know was that his kiss was my destruction. I wouldn’t be able to stop the feelings that were so deep for him from re-surfacing. I felt suffocated with secrets but alive from his touch. It mended the fact we both had pasts. Just mine was slightly different.
“Let me fix your ac unit, babe. It’s hot as balls in there.”
Not wanting him to come inside and stay longer when I really had shit to do, but the thought of my ac working almost turned me on more because it had been hotter than a desert in there.
“I’ll pay you for it when I get paid. My next check comes next week.”
“Don’t even try to pay me.”
He walked into the house and checked the thermostat, then outside to the unit he went. I wondered how long it was going to take. He got the bucket of tools from his truck and started banging away. Sweating inside from nerves and not the damn heat, although I’m sure it was a mixture of the two. Glancing at the clock again it was now closer to four. My stomach started to drop feeling slightly sick.
“You almost done out there?” I yelled from the porch, pacing. Literally got nothing done today.
“Yeah almost.” He yelled back. “Come give me a hand.”
I took in a deep breath and let it out. But before I skipped out the door to help, I heard the thermostat click and the vents started shooting air out of it.
“I got it, I think!” He yelled.
Thank the lord he had. I rushed outside towards him and gave him a hug. My nerves full speed and my stomach twisting in knots. The sun beating down on my forehead didn’t help me feeling already sick to my stomach.
“You should go. I got stuff I need to get done. I’ll text you later or something.”
“Why are you so pushy?” He bumped his shoulder into mine and I half smiled.
A truck turned the corner and out of the corner of my eye I saw it before it was barreling down in front of my house and parking behind Tate’s truck.
The nightmare I was trying real hard to avoid was only just beginning. I could vomit. Tate’s smile quickly thinned and Clint’s feet stepped onto the ground while the back doors swung open, and my kids hopped out running towards me.
Tate’s wide eyes went from Clint to mine and then to my beautiful kids.
Clint trudged up slowly and cautiously. “Oh, guess I forgot to call and tell ya.” He squinted his eyes at his own mistake before narrowing them in at Tate. “Welcome home, brother. Guess it didn’t take too long for you to get reacquainted.”
I shook my head back and forth warning Clint to stop.
“Hi mommy! I missed you. Daddy said I was a good girl.” Livy jumped into my arms and I held her right to my chest with a huge hug. Feeling her snuggled up against me calmed the heart that was pounding out of my chest. Trying my hardest to focus on Livy, but my life rested in Tate’s hurtful, pain-stricken eyes.
“I’m glad you were a good girl.” My eyes flew to Tate and he spewed anger with just a glance back to me, gutting my insides. His brows furrowed and sweat bead off his forehead.
“Go on in the house, I’ll be in soon. You too, Jared.” I shooed. They obeyed. I fought the tears back.
He waited until the door snapped closed and the kids were inside. “Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?” He roared toward Clint. His vein popped at his temples. “You playin Daddy, brother?”
“No, I played husband, and now ex-husband, and I am the daddy. So back the fuck up.” With a lift of his chin he put him in check, puffing his chest out to him stepping into his space.
“You fucking piece of shit.” He shoved Clint towards his truck, knocking him slightly off balance. The brotherly love knocked off its axis as his life came crashing down to him.
“Knock it off! The kids are inside!” I raised my voice even though my heart broke for Tate. Hell, fire, and ice swirled inside of me. Fire because my heart heated knowing how hurt Tate was, and ice froze the way I felt for Clint. They were the fire and ice and there was not one thing I could do about it.
“You fucked my fucking girlfriend?” He seethed through this clenched teeth. His gaze turned sharply toward me, and I could feel the heat radiating off him with just those dangerous, wild, eyes. “And you? You weren’t going to tell me?” Tate was fuming.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t find the right words. How do you tell someone that? It’s complicated, Tate. And I was terrified you’d be gone in the morning and there would serve no purpose in what is happening right now.” I argued.
His eyes bore into mine stealing my breath from his heartbroken expression. “This is fucked up!” He paced back and forth digging his feet into gravel beneath him.
“You left, brother! She wasn’t your girlfriend!” Clint spoke up. The ice was breaking.
“Fuck you.” He glared at Clint. Fire consuming him whole. “And fuck you, too.” His eyes moved to me. He opened his truck door and hopped in, roaring it to life as his fist pounded into his steering wheel. He peeled out onto the street. Tears flooded my eyes and I watched Clint stand there. His brother. My ex-husband.
“I was going to call you and tell you he was in town, but we got carried away and I forgot.”
“I didn’t want him to find out this way!”
“I’m sorry, Paisley. You allowed him at your fucking house!”
I started crying uncontrollably. It was going right and it always did before it went wrong. “Please leave, Clint.”
He came up and half hugged me and I pulled away. “I’m sorry I couldn’t ever be him.”
I scuffed into the house, wiped my eyes, and straightened up. My kids were now my focus. I couldn’t let them see I was upset.
“Mommy, I want a cheese stick.”
“Go ahead.” I waved to the fridge.
“You didn’t charge my tablet?!” Jared popped his head out of his room.
“Finish your homework and we’ll talk about the tablet. Livy, get yours done, too.”
They both whined and went into their bedrooms. I collapsed against the couch, and felt the cool breeze hitting me from the vent on the floor. It reminded me to close my windows. Quickly, I closed every window in the house so it would get cool and shimmied out my phone from my pocket.
I pulled Tate’s number out that never got deleted, and sent him a desperate message.
Me: Tate, I’m so sorry. Please, come over tonight after the kids go to bed and we can talk.
I didn’t get a response and every minute that went by that my phone didn’t go off, killed a piece of my heart.
CHAPTER SIX
I felt like I was stuck in the same position on the couch for a long time, staring at the screen of my phone hoping and waiting for him to respond to me. I sent Tammy a message.
Me: Tammy come over. Bring the kids. I need you.
Tammy: What happened? I take it the elephant has been released.
Me: The elephant fucking trampled over everything.
Tammy: We’re on our way.
“Kids, Richie and Monica are on their way over. Homework better be done.” I yelled and they came rushing out.
“Really? They’re coming? We haven’t seen them in like a whole week!” Jared got excited.
“Yeah, I’ll make us something for dinner.”
“Mama, make your famous mac n cheese!” Livy added.
I smiled because that was all the effort I had in me to respond. I really wanted to sit on the couch and not move a muscle, but I knew I couldn’t let myself self-destruct. I had to pull it together for their sake. At least they would be distracted by their friends. I’m hoping my friend could distract me, too. I had so much to think about. Jared and Livy were my top priority and I wasn’t sure how having Tate around would be. How would I explain that one, oh here�
�s your Uncle? Meet your Uncle, we’re in love. What kind of fucked up soap opera would that be? Or would it even matter? Clint’s words struck me when he said he was sorry he couldn’t be Tate. He made it seem like he felt he was never good enough for me and that wasn’t the honest truth. Clint was really good to me. But, the love just wasn’t equally like Tate’s love. A love you can’t compare unless you have truly felt it.
Tammy and the kids barreled in through the back door. The kids rushed into their bedrooms to play damn video games. At the moment, I wasn’t going to argue with them to go outside and get dirty like mama had it in her day. The energy wasn’t there.
“I brought dinner.” Tammy walked in with a huge bag of food from Southern Comfort Kitchen, a huge popular place to eat at around town.
“I knew I loved you.” I half smiled.
“I knew you were not going to be functioning. I got fried chicken, coleslaw, taters, and mac n cheese for the kiddos. I also got us a chocolate cake that we won’t share.” She giggled sitting on the couch next to me. “That bad, huh?”
“He wasn’t supposed to be here when Clint came with the kids.”
“Shit,” Tammy groaned.
“He hasn’t responded to my text. I’m not sure what I was thinking either.”
“Sweetheart, you were thinking with your heart. I know you love him still. It’s ok to love him. Just pick up that heart off the floor. You made two beautiful children that are the greatest blessings in your life and you will not ever feel sorry for how they got here.”
“I’m not sorry for how they got here. Clint was good to me. It just wasn’t it for us. He and I couldn’t be more than just friends. We tried and it just didn’t work. I shouldn’t feel bad about it but I do. Because out of all people it was his brother.”
“He lost the chance when he left you. And never came back. That’s not your fault. That was his choice. Your choice was to move on from that.”
“I didn’t have to. I could have stayed together with him and done the army distance but I was hurt and I felt broken after we had plans for the future and to be together.”
Quickly I hovered my fingers over my phone and began typing vicariously to Tate.
Me: Tate, we need to talk. I understand you’re hurt. I understand I did that to you. But we have to talk about it. The reason you’re hurting is because you love me. I get it. I love you, too, babe.
Silence.
“Let him mourn the fact that he fucked up.” Tammy patted my leg. “Come on, let’s go eat.”
“I fucked up, too.” I mumbled.
“No. You lived your life.” Tammy reminded.
I guessed one could take it both ways.
Tate never responded the rest of the night. Tammy and I fed the kids and enjoyed the southern food, it was very comforting, including every last bite of that chocolate cake that was going to go straight to our asses. That was what friends were for. To pick us up when we were down and Tammy had that covered real well. She was such a blessing to have in my life.
CHAPTER SEVEN
M onday’s brought on work days. Even though I didn’t want to pull myself out of bed, I did. Having children did something to you that you couldn’t even begin to describe if you didn’t have any. They made you do the possible when you thought it was impossible. I dropped the kids off at school and waved to Tammy in the drop off line. The look of exhaustion sketched on both of us. We both had work and couldn’t stand around and chat like we wished. We always envied those momma’s. The stay at home parents who could manage to schedule mani pedi’s, lunch dates, and make a few play dates too. I really wished that was me. But, I was on my own and nobody else was going to pay for my mortgage.
The office was less than energetic while I slugged my feet all the way to my desk that looked out into the parking lot. I was lucky to have a window, but it wasn’t like the view was anything special. My boss waved at me and I knew that meant to come to his office.
I dropped my purse into the chair and headed over to his private office.
“Good morning, Davis.”
“Have a seat.” He motioned to the chair in front of his cherry wood desk with papers piled and scattered about.
I sat down and gave him my attention.
“There is no easy way to say this, Paisley,” he sighed. “The company has decided to make some cuts and unfortunately you were placed in that category. You’ve been such a blessing to me and the company but I have no other choice other than to let you go.”
My mouth hung open, speechless. “Davis, I’ve been with this company for seven years.”
“I’m so sorry. I know this wasn’t the news you were looking for. They gave me no choice. Please know this wasn’t about your job performance itself, you’re a phenomenal worker. I’d be happy to write you a reference if you need it.”
Shaking my head back and forth in disbelief, this wasn’t happening to me was all I could think. Not now, not while I was already down in the state of mind I was in. What I felt was blindsided. My stomach flipped with thoughts turning in my brain and my hands clammed up.
“No notice? This is it?” I blinked back my tears that were forming.
“Sadly. I’ll need your badge and give you a moment to pack up your things. I can escort you out in twenty minutes.”
My mind raged. The clock in the room ticked so loud like it was a time bomb about to explode. Maybe that was just my head about to combust from the whiplash of information I received on a shit Monday to boot. I couldn’t process or register my thoughts coherently. I got up from the chair without saying anything and marched over to my desk grabbing my personal things and collected what I could fit into my purse. Holding in my tears, I refused to let them see me this way.
“What are you doing?” Bre approached my cubicle.
“I’ve been let go.”
“What the actual fuck? Why?”
I shrugged my shoulders with the same confusion she had. I took a deep breath willing the tears not to unleash. Bre was another great friend who had worked with me at this company the entire time. She was only hired on five months before me. Life at a job without Bre seemed wrong. She drank coffee with me, we cheered each other up when we knew the other was down. We tackled project after project together. We were a good team and I was really going to miss her. I looked up at my desk cabinet and took down one by one the pictures I had of my kids. It was starting to process and really sting.
“I’m so sorry, Paisley. I’ll come over later and help you update your resume. I can’t believe they did this.” She shook her head in disgust.
“I can’t believe it either. Seven years wasted. I have kids I have to figure out how to tell and then figure out what the hell I’m going to do,” I sighed. “Call me later. Davis is ready to walk me out.”
She hugged me tightly and part of me wanted to not let go, not seal the reality of being kicked out and never coming back. I knew that couldn’t happen. I grabbed my purse and a small bag of my things and watched my empty desk disappear in sight while Davis silently followed me to the front door.
I handed Davis my badge with my head lowered and eyes to the floor. I couldn’t look at him with fresh tears and red eyes. My heart hammered in my chest escalating my breathing. He shook my hand and I turned on my heel and dragged my feet out of the door, straight to my car. Once I reached the car, I pulled the back seat door handle and threw my things back there before slamming it shut. I glanced up at the building that’s practically been my second home that I gave many hours of my life to and many overtime hours on top of it to make sure work got done. They just threw me away like yesterday’s trash. The clock hadn’t even shown an hour since I pulled up and I was already leaving. This time, for good.
I sat numbly in the driver’s seat and couldn’t control my emotions any longer. The floodgates opened and poured out over my face and I let it all crash to the surface. My phone vibrated in my lap and for a second I had a glimmer of hope it was Tate and when I looked at the screen I was
quickly disappointed it wasn’t. It was Bre.
Bre: Are you ok sweetie? I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I just saw them bring Chelsea into their office and Jeffrey too. God my heart is breaking for you.
Me: I’m not ok.
Bre: Oh honey, want me to fake sick?
Me: No, keep your job. I’m going home to sleep.
She didn’t respond. I didn’t want to be around anyone at the moment. I cleared my eyes and started my car and began the trek home.
When I reached my house, I left everything in the car. In the house, I threw my purse on the kitchen counter, hearing my keys bang and contents in my purse jangle together.
I texted Clint.
Me: Can you pick the kids up today?
Clint: Why?
Me: Yes or no?
Clint: Don’t be going all depressed on me, Pais. My brother is a fucking asshole and you know it.
Me: I lost my job.
Three little dots popped up across the message before they disappeared then reappeared.
Clint: I’ll pick them up.
Me: Thanks.
I wasn’t even sure why it was so complicated for him to just say yes. I stripped down into barely nothing. Just panties before pulling a giant t shirt over my head. Spreading myself across my bed I decided to try and sleep. Everything between Tate and now the loss of my job had me mentally and physically drained. I felt like a fish swimming around a completely dirty tank and it was hard to breathe. I inhaled for air but it struggled to really fill my lungs. Smelling Tate’s woodsy scent on my pillow and comforter made me cry harder.
I woke up a few hours later to the pounding at my door. I shuffled to the kitchen and back door and saw Tammy standing there banging loudly on the door.
“I’m coming!”
I swung open the door and her face fell, worry written all over it.
“Clint tell you?” I pouted.
“Paisley, there’s been an accident. Come quickly. Jared was crossing the street and someone hit him.”
My eyes blinked a couple times while my feet stood there frozen to the floor processing her words on repeat. Jared…crossing…street…hit. Surely she couldn’t be talking about my Jared. His daddy was picking them up.
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