“With sex,” Zyr clarified, eyes glinting. “You’re not looking for love, but sex.”
I didn’t take his bait. “Children. No sex means no children. Didn’t you say Zynda wants to take Final Form in order to have babies?”
“Not her. The rest of the Tala. Obviously if she’s a dragon, she won’t be having little Tala babies. And the Tala are obsessed with our declining fecundity. We’re dying off as a race—I know you were listening when Queen Andromeda mentioned it—and having a dragon in Annfwn might make all the difference between babies being born dead or too twisted to live, and surviving to become healthy adults.”
“Oh,” I breathed and Zyr waved that off as negligible, eyes fixed on me.
“But what about you? Sounds like Dasnaria isn’t hurting for population. Why did you risk everything just to have babies? Why not have Kral’s babies, if you wanted them so badly? I don’t understand this marriage of yours at all.”
“It’s not easy to explain,” I temporized. “And it’s getting late.”
“Are you sleepy?” He gave me a canny look. “Because I’m a long way from being able to sleep, if you understand me.”
I did. My body still sang with the need he’d roused in me, without even a kiss or caress. “I’m not sleepy,” I said. When he smiled in commiseration, I felt I’d confessed too much, so I hurried on. “Kral is younger than Emperor Hestar, but not by much—and he was born to their father’s first wife, which in some interpretations gives Kral the greater right to the throne.”
Zyr made a face, but nodded at me to continue.
“But their father chose Emperor Hestar as his heir, and until His Imperial Majesty married and sired sons, Kral was his heir.”
“I think I follow that.”
“Emperor Hestar arranged a marriage for Kral, but on the condition that the marriage remain celibate. His Imperial Majesty didn’t want to run the risk that Kral might sire sons with a greater claim to the throne than his own sons.”
“Then why arrange a marriage for his brother at all?”
“It was the best way to secure an alliance with my family. Very rich lands with orchards.”
Zyr considered me with that slow feline blink. “Your family exchanged your life for food?”
“It was a good alliance,” I replied defensively. “I was proud to do it. My marriage to Kral made me the fourth highest ranked woman in Dasnaria. I had a chance at being Empress, after all.”
“Hmm. Did those things make you happy?”
No. No, they hadn’t. As the years rolled on and I stayed on my family estates, watching my siblings wed and have children, my own life seemed to grow correspondingly emptier. “I wasn’t unhappy,” I said.
“But you had to remain a virgin. No sex, with men, ever.”
I felt myself blushing. “Those were the terms, yes. Any pregnancy would’ve meant my death and Kral’s too.”
“What about women? You could’ve enjoyed sex with them.”
My face burned. “That would’ve been frowned upon. My family had no wish to anger the Imperial Palace. They kept close watch on me—and they took care of me. I lived on my family estates and had a good life. Luxurious, even. Better than most.”
“But you gave it up,” Zyr pointed out.
“Arguably the stupidest decision I ever made,” I agreed. A bizarre impulse of the moment. As if I’d become someone else entirely.
“How did that happen?” Zyr asked.
“Don’t you know?” When he shook his head, I considered that. I supposed that made sense. Jepp would’ve reported the details to her queen, but she wouldn’t have spread the information like gossip to anyone else. She said all sorts of things with astonishing frankness, but she wouldn’t want me to be shamed. Or Kral, for that matter. “Jepp had been Kral’s lover for some time when she found out about me and—”
“Wait.” Zyr held up a hand. “Why didn’t Kral have to be celibate, too?”
I frowned. “He’s a man.”
“Right—so he could be siring babies all over the place.”
“Well, yes, but they wouldn’t be legitimate heirs and besides, he was always very careful as he had no wish to see a child of his put to death.”
“How noble of him,” Zyr murmured, sounding as if he thought anything but.
“It’s not reasonable to expect a man to be celibate,” I explained, unfolding my arms and sitting up cross-legged, a mirror of him. “You understand this. Men have needs. That’s the—”
“—way of things,” he finished with me. “I begin to understand how you think.”
I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “Jepp thinks much like you do. She was upset to discover that Kral had a wife—she thought my life sounded terrible, just like you do—and she made a bet with Kral that if he offered me an annulment, I’d take it. So he summoned me to the Imperial Palace.”
I’d been so excited, in such a flurry to pack my best klúts and jewelry, to travel in such haste to answer my husband’s summons. I hadn’t known what to think, but I’d hoped… Oh, how I’d hoped for something.
“There it is,” Zyr said quietly. “The sadness.”
I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. “I was foolish. I don’t know what I thought he’d summoned me for. Maybe I thought I’d get to be his wife in truth, have babies.”
“Because you wanted him that badly?”
“He’s a handsome man, sure, though he never made me feel like—” I hastily corrected what I’d been about to say, like I felt when you said I excited you. “—like I wanted him badly. No, I don’t know if I can explain what I wanted.” I found I’d leaned forward, earnestly, as if trying to reach Zyr.
“Try,” he urged, gaze fastened on me, giving me his full attention. A heady experience, to be listened to this way.
“I wanted… I wanted my life to start. I mean I was alive in body, but the rest of me…”
“You weren’t really living,” he said. “You were forever waiting.”
“Yes.” I sat back, savoring that realization, small as it was. “Forever waiting. In that moment, in the emperor’s court, when His Imperial Majesty asked if I wanted the annulment, even though I’d been certain I’d say no—I glimpsed a possibility. Kral obviously loved Jepp. The way he looked at her… he never once looked at me that way. I’d never seen him like that, so part of me knew he wouldn’t stay without her. And Jepp is not a woman who’d thrive in Dasnaria.”
Zyr laughed with me and I shook my head. “So I blurted it out, said I wanted the marriage dissolved, hoping that I could have this life that… I don’t know.” Would be something more than being some frozen image of a person.
“What happened then?”
“Oh.” I laughed, hearing the bitter edge in it. “His Imperial Majesty granted the annulment, then sentenced me to burn to death for my impudence.”
Zyr straightened, lips parting over teeth gone sharp. The hairs rose on my neck, even though I knew his anger was on my behalf. “Excuse me?” he asked softly.
“The emperor felt he needed to set an example. Imagine how many wives would make similar requests, after all.”
“Imagine,” Zyr echoed, not sounding any less dangerous.
“It didn’t happen,” I told him firmly. “So put your fangs back in the in-between place and settle down.”
He looked bemused, rubbing a hand over his mouth. “What did happen?”
“Jepp rescued me.” I still couldn’t believe it. “Then she was captured, but Kral intervened and smuggled me out of the Imperial Palace. He went back for her and we escaped.” It hadn’t been quite that simple, but the rest of the adventures weren’t all that relevant. “I owe Jepp a great debt,” I added. “My life twice over, and beyond. She taught me Common Tongue and how to use a knife. She…” I faltered. “She understood about me wanting a life—she called it freedom, though I never felt not free—before I knew to want it.”
“And here you are, still waiting for your life to start,” Zyr said.
>
I opened my mouth to retort, but the words died on their way up my throat, forcing me to swallow them. Zyr watched me with knowing eyes. “I wouldn’t have put it that way,” I said, finally.
“Am I wrong?”
No. No, he wasn’t at all wrong, and I felt it in the fierce, sudden ache of uncertainty. “I have no idea what I’m doing, Zyr,” I told him, saying it very quietly, as if someone might overhear and call me to task for it. “For a while everything was so crazy—running for our lives, escaping on the Hákyrling, fighting off the High Priestess when she came after us and Her Majesty High Queen Ursula nearly dying… And everything is so beautiful! I loved sailing around the islands, seeing Nahanau, coming to Annfwn. It was easy to forget, for a while, that I needed to be thinking of next steps.”
“And now you’re on this mission with me.”
“Yes.” I nodded, picked at the skirt spread across my knees, then made myself look at him, in case I looked too gaze-averted. “I’m glad to do this. I’m glad to be useful. I know you think I’m silly, getting all hysterical this morning—” Had it really been only this morning? “—about not having a place with the Hawks or being able to feed myself, but that’s the kind of life I come from. Somebody has always taken care of me. Dasnarian women don’t just go off in the world and be … free.” I lost my argument at the end, because I suddenly remembered Inga and Helva’s stories about Kral’s older sister, Jenna.
The story had shocked me at the time, when Inga and Helva told me about their sister, when I visited the seraglio at the Imperial Palace. Even though I’d only been there a short time, the two sisters had cornered me, forcing me to politely listen to the tale.
They’d already told Jepp, they said, and insisted that I hear it, too. I didn’t understand why at the time. Or rather, I’d thought they sought to manipulate me into thinking Kral a bad man—or give me a cautionary tale on what happened to women who left their marriages. By the end, I’d been terribly confused about their true agenda. As the oldest sister, Jenna had married first, apparently to everyone’s joy at an excellent alliance with Arynherk, but the husband had beaten her and worse. When she left on her wedding journey, their baby brother Harlan—the same man now Her Majesty High Queen Ursula’s consort—went along and helped her to escape.
Unthinkable. Even more shocking, they’d succeeded. I’d been a toddler when it happened, and I remember hearing whispers about the lost princess as I was growing up. Nobody ever called her by name and somehow in my child’s head I’d conflated that tale with other colorful and romantic Dasnarian tragedies of runaway lovers and lost children.
Kral had tried to bring her back, but failed. Also unthinkable, knowing him as I did. And he’d never told me, during those years of our marriage. Not that we’d ever confided secrets to each other, beyond his designs on the throne. Hearing the truth, though, several bits of information fell into place. Kral had always carried some guilt in him, a deep remorse and anger that spurred him to travel. Oh, he’d always claimed that he sought treasure to finance his bid to be emperor, but once I heard the story…
It all made me wonder. I especially wondered what had happened to Jenna. Kral did, too—and he’d asked Harlan. But Harlan’s vows kept him from saying. Jepp had told me that Harlan implied Dafne might be of help, but that was the last I’d heard of it.
I’d been certain Jenna had perished or been enslaved, as happened to women out in the world on their own, but Jepp saw things differently. For all her cynicism, Jepp possessed a huge streak of idealism. So I’d gone along with the idea that we could search for the lost princess.
Now I wondered if Inga and Helva had other reasons for telling me the tale.
“But you are free.” Zyr interrupted my thoughts, cocking his head. “Look at you. A trailblazer. That means you’re setting an example. Other Dasnarian women will tell tales of you. You’ll be their hero.”
“I don’t think I make a very good hero.” The concept appalled me, in truth. So much pressure. I’d just wanted to have a normal life. Though I was rapidly realizing I had no idea what that looked like.
“Guess you’ll have to work on that,” Zyr informed me cheerfully. “Fortunately, you’re with me and I’m dazzlingly heroic already. I can give you tips.”
“Oh, hooray,” I replied dryly, but he’d made me smile.
“First tip?” He grinned at me. “Heroes don’t follow other people’s rules. They make up their own. You already defied an emperor and escaped execution. What else can they do to you?”
I gazed at him, sure his logic was flawed.
“Something to think about, anyway,” he said, “when you’re ready to.”
“Why are you being so nice to me now?”
“Wasn’t I nice before?” He frowned at me.
“Yes, but in a flirtatious way. Not… listening to my troubles.”
“I like you, Karyn,” he said simply. “That shouldn’t be difficult to understand.”
“Because I have yellow hair and you want to have sex with me,” I clarified. I really did want to understand, but I had no experience with this.
Zyr cocked his head, and his unseen tail flicked in irritation. “First of all, your hair is like sunlight and firelight spun together. Calling it ‘yellow’ is a tragedy. Second, while I obviously would love to seduce you—and I admit to being generous in enjoying a variety of lovers—I find you interesting. I liked hearing about your life. Tell me more, anytime.”
I smiled tentatively. I’d never really tried to create a friendship with someone I hadn’t known all my life. Kral didn’t count, as we’d really never been friends—just sort of coolly congenial allies. I supposed Jepp had been a friend to me, though I’d spent so much time being jealous of her, wondering why Kral loved her so passionately when he’d given me up without a qualm, and also wondering why she’d tolerated me around her man. Wren had offered friendship and now she was gone. “I’d like to hear more about your life,” I offered.
“Done. But not tonight.” He yawned hugely. “Let’s get some sleep. More mapping tomorrow—heroically accomplished, of course.”
“Of course.” I laughed. “Shall I take first watch?”
“Not necessary.” His eyes gleamed, reflecting the light in that feline way. “I’ll sleep as the panther. I hear everything in that form. Want to sleep against me?”
I couldn’t tell if he was teasing. “No,” I replied slowly, “but thank you for the offer.”
“I won’t bite. Or scratch.” He was definitely teasing.
“But I might,” I replied primly.
He laughed and the sound made me happy.
~ 13 ~
I woke from a dead sleep to the sight of a black panther, chin on its paws, whiskered muzzle inches from my face, bright blue eyes staring at me.
I screamed and somehow had jumped several feet backward before I knew it, flailing about for my bow. The big cat became Zyr—laced blue shirt, hair neatly tied back—laughing at me.
“That was not funny,” I growled at him.
“Oh, you are so wrong, gréine. From this side, it was hysterical. If you’d seen yourself, you’d be laughing, too.”
I finally spotted my bow and my daggers on the other side of the crackling campfire. Zyr followed my gaze and raised his brows. “It seemed wise, in case you’re the sort who strikes first and asks questions later.”
“If you hadn’t been intent on scaring me out of my wits, you wouldn’t have had to worry about it.”
“True. But what’s the fun in that?” He grinned at me, full of merriment, completely unapologetic. “Good snake jump, though. Better than Zynda’s—and I used to do that to her all the time.”
Poor Zynda. At least my prankster brothers hadn’t been able to shapeshift into terrifying predators. I took a deep breath and let it out, willing my heart to stop its frantic hammering. “What in Sól is a snake jump, anyway?”
“It’s a feline thing. Something surprises you and you jump back out of snake-striki
ng distance. You did it from a sound sleep. Very impressive.”
He clearly meant it as a compliment, so I took it as one. Strangest compliment I’d ever received. And now I’d become the new plaything for the cat. Wonderful. I looked around, seeing that the sky had lightened with approaching dawn, though the sun hadn’t yet risen. “What happened to your aversion to getting up early?”
He grimaced. “Downside of sleeping in panther form. They’re crepuscular, so I wake up well before dawn feeling the urge to hunt.”
“I don’t know that word—crepuscular.”
“Active at dawn and dusk. Most felines sleep all day, hunt for a while in the late afternoon and evening, nap a while in the middle of the night, then wake early to do it all again. It works out well now, because the sooner we get going, the more coastline we can map.” He dipped his chin at something roasting over the fire. “The upside of the panther wanting to hunt early is I caught some breakfast for us. I even waited for you to wake up, and didn’t eat any raw.”
“Thank you,” I said, struggling not to make a disgusted face, but he caught it.
“As the panther,” he clarified. “I don’t eat raw food in human form, but as an animal, I tend to want to eat what those instincts dictate. It takes some effort not to give in.”
“I wouldn’t have minded.”
“It’s not good for me. Besides, you don’t mind anything. I could eat all the food and not give you any and you wouldn’t protest.” His eyes gleamed with challenge. “Or would you?”
“I would say something.” Eventually.
“As you lay dying of starvation? ‘Oh, Zyr…’” He pitched his voice high in his imitation of me, making it all weak and whispery, too. “‘I’m dying. Could I have a crust of bread, please?’” He held up a clawed hand, as if grasping for a crumb. “But… not… if… you… are… hungry.”
I shouldn’t laugh at him, as it only encouraged his mischief, but I had to look away to completely hide the smile. Retorting that I didn’t sound like that only seemed to please him that he’d gotten to me, so I decided to try ignoring his bad behavior. Maybe if he couldn’t get a rise out of me, he’d give up. Good luck with that. Still, once I had my composure, I gave him a cool look. “I’ll visit the woods. Then perhaps we should eat, so we can get that early start you wanted.”
The Arrows of the Heart Page 14