by SR Jones
“Okay. We will arrange that for you.”
I take the tablets and hope they numb me to what is to come.
CHAPTER FOUR
Damen
The car pulls up outside the hospital in a squeal of tires, and I almost jump out while it is still moving. Andrius slams the brakes on, and we’re running to the hospital doors together, our heavy boots pounding the asphalt.
Three fucking hours.
Three hours in a police cell while Stamatis and his army of fancy lawyers pulled every piece of string known to man to get us out. If we hadn’t been taken in originally, it would have been smoothed over at the crime scene because Stamatis knew the guy in charge. However, a couple of overzealous newbies took some of us in, and once we got to the station and the paper trail started, it took way more money and bribes to get it all hushed up. All the while, I could only think about Maya.
I don’t know how she can recover from this. Her whole world has turned upside down tonight, and she’s been exposed to the sort of violence most civilians never see. On top of that, she’s most likely lost her mother and suffered a sexual assault. I’m terrified she won’t get through this.
The fear is corrosive. It makes me want to turn and run in the other direction. Far away from any responsibilities and the fact I may have yet again let down a woman who needed me.
The thought of Maya, though, in that building alone, vulnerable, and my heart knows what it wants. To go to her. Hold her. Keep her safe.
If I felt that she was mine before, now she most definitely is. Any fleeting noble thoughts I may have entertained of letting her go and possibly setting her up somewhere with her mother have gone. She’s staying with me.
Alesso texted to tell me Marina had died. Maya is going to be heartbroken. She has no one else.
If I can keep my emotions at bay enough to be sane about her, I can keep her safe. I let my mother down because I was pissed at her for letting Father treat her like shit. I was too close to the situation. In order for this to work, I need to find a balance. I have feelings for Maya, I can’t deny as much, but I can’t let myself get too drawn in. I have to maintain control. I lost it earlier and nearly fucked up the rescue.
With Maya, I need to take an emotional step back. Care for her, but never let myself fall into her too deeply.
I always need to maintain control.
I barrel through the doors, not stopping when a security guard steps forward, leaving Andrius to deal with the man. I reach the desk. “Maya Lambrakis,” I growl.
Yeah, great control there, fucker, I tell myself.
The nurse manning the station opens her mouth to speak, but then pales. I turn to my side and see Andrius staring at her, those cold, deadly eyes of his holding nothing but hostility, dried blood on his clothes and hands. She swallows, turns to her keyboard, and starts tapping.
“She’s on the general medical ward, floor C,” she tells me.
I’m running for the bank of elevators, Andrius jogging to keep up. Once we reach them, I press the button impatiently and grind my teeth as I wait for the damn thing.
Once the car arrives, we step inside, and I press floor C. Andrius sighs and leans against the wall.
“You need to get it together,” he drawls.
I want to smack him in the mouth. “Like you did, with Violet?” I goad.
“She is my weakness, this I admit. However, I love her. You spent half the car ride over here telling me you don’t love this Maya. You have … what did you say, oh yes, feelings, but not love. So why the panic? You say you will keep her, and you will make her yours, like a thing, no? If you lose a thing, does it matter? Things are replaceable.”
I turn to him and jab my finger in his chest. “Don’t forget, my friend, I know all about how you and Violet met. I know all about the way you treated her at first, and it was not fucking hearts and flowers. Yes, now, you might say you love her, but it took you long enough. So go fuck yourself with your lectures.”
He merely smirks at me.
When the doors ding open, I rush out of there and down the corridor.
“Wrong way,” Andrius shouts.
I turn and stalk after him until we find the ward. The nurse points us to a private room at the end of the corridor.
When I open the door, the sight in front of me has my heart squeezing so hard, I bring my hand to my chest.
Maya is curled on her side, facing the door. Her eyes are closed, and they are puffy and red. Her nose is red too, but her mouth is clean of blood.
Alesso is in a chair to the far side of the bed, and he gets up and comes to us, gesturing for us to follow him back out of the room. I need to go to Maya, but he bodily pushes me backward and closes the door behind him.
“Her mother died,” he says. I know this already, and impatience has me again pushing for the door, but he blocks me.
“She’s in a really bad way. Emotionally, I mean. They’ve given her a sedative; she needs to sleep. They say she’ll probably need some sedatives for a day or two after the ordeal she’s been through. They’ve also got her an urgent psych appointment. She’s going to be fragile. What she’s been through, you know, Damen. It changes a person.”
I do fucking know, and he doesn’t need to be giving me this lecture.
He’s not finished yet. “She has no one,” he says. “Her father, Spiros, I mean, will find out she isn’t his if Costas runs his mouth. Stamatis can’t accept her into his home, or he risks his marriage. You are the only person she has. She needs you to step up for her.”
I stare at him incredulous. “Erm, weren’t you the one telling me to walk away only hours ago?”
“Yeah, I was, but then I realized something. You love her. You can’t admit it because you’re fucked up, but you love her, and she sure as shit needs that right now, so I’ve changed my opinion.”
“I don’t love her,” I say automatically, the words an ashen lie on my tongue. “I care for her, a lot, and I want her, need her even, but it’s not love.”
“Fuck you, yes it is, and you better start to understand that or you’ll lose her.”
I stare at him, and he sighs and scrubs his face. “I’m fucking exhausted. I’m going home for a shower and a sleep. You’re on Maya duty.” He starts to walk away, and then turns back to me. “I was wrong—you do love her, and she loves you. Don’t you be wrong too … don’t let her down.”
His footfalls fade, and I glance at Andrius to see him smirking once more. “Don’t say a fucking word, and you can leave now.”
His smile fades. “Not happening. We don’t know who Costas was working with, where he got all those men from, and I’m not leaving you alone. Liam and Reece will be staying for the next three or four days, and my men and I can stay for as long as you need us. Justina is with Violet, and I have men guarding the house. In fact, they aren’t at our home. I have a secret house. They are there.”
Of course, he does. He’s like the James Bond of the assassin world.
He eyes me speculatively. “You know, you need to talk to Stamatis, and to Allyov. This, what Costas did, is very grave, and I don’t think he’s going to simply slink away.”
Me neither. Stamatis has made an error in not killing him. One I understand. How the fuck do you kill your own child? It was a decision I get, but it’s not one I condone. It’s weak, and in the long run it will cause more difficulties.
“Will you get me a coffee?” I ask Andrius. He hesitates. “It will take you five minutes, and I doubt anyone is going to come and murder me and Maya in the next five minutes. I need a drink. Please.”
He nods once. “Okay.”
Once his form rounds the corner, I slump against the door and take in a deep breath. I need a moment alone with Maya. She’s not awake, but I still need a few minutes just her and me.
I open the door and slip into the room. She’s still facing my way, and there’s a small plastic chair near the bed at this side, so I go to it and sit heavily.
Her face is
beautiful to me, despite the obvious crying. Her skin is pale and mottled with red blotches, but still she’s the most stunning thing I’ve ever seen.
I lean in and let myself inhale the familiar scent of her hair. I touch her cheek, and my stomach tugs. Is this love? Do I love her? I honestly don’t know. I’m not sure I even know what it is. Not in a romantic sense. I loved my grandmother, and I suppose I love Alesso. This, though, it’s so different. And after seeing what love did to my father, and how it ruined my mother’s life, I always swore I would never be like them, never let myself succumb to the weakness of romantic love.
I care for Maya deeply. Isn’t that enough? It should be, I tell myself. I won’t ever cheat on her, treat her badly, or let her down. I’ll protect her, keep her safe, make love to her, fuck her dirty when she wants it that way, and enjoy life with her. What more can a person offer? Why do people need to hear meaningless words?
Maybe the sort of love I can offer her is more real than the flowery bullshit most people come up with? Maybe she, and now Alesso, ought to think of that.
“Damen?” She stirs, and her eyes flutter open.
Those green orbs slay me. I swallow hard, glance away for a moment to gather myself, and turn back to her.
She was sexually assaulted, and then she lost her mother in the most extreme and violent manner imaginable. I don’t know how she’s going to react to this, but I envision her going to pieces.
On cue, tears fill her eyes. “My mother,” she says simply.
“I know, baby. I know.” I brush the tears from her cheeks. “You need to rest. The doctors say you need to rest, and then get help for this, for what’s happened. You’ll be traumatized.”
She nods. “Rest,” she says. “But only for a few days, and then, then… I’m going to get my revenge.”
“What?” Nothing she could have said would have shocked me more. “Maya, no. You don’t mean that; this isn’t what you want.”
“Oh, but it is. My whole fucking life I’ve been treated like nothing by men. My own half-brother tried to kill me, allowed his men to assault me. My father, Spiros, I mean, he’s treated me like crap my whole life. Stamatis is a coward who daren’t deal with his son properly or admit I’m his, and you…”
Her eyes flutter closed, then open lazily again as she blinks up at me.
“Me what?” I shouldn’t ask. Tell myself this is merely the drugs and the shock talking, but I want to know what she thinks of me.
She laughs, and it’s devoid of humor. “You’re the worst of them all. You’re the biggest coward of the lot.”
Her words slap me across the face with their audacity and truth.
“Stamatis, he would have left his wife for my mother. Spiros, he’s weak, but at least he does what’s best for him. He’s nasty and selfish, but he has a plan of sorts. You? You’re a robot. You work for Stamatis, and you work out, and you drink your coffee, and what else? Oh, yeah.” She smiles a secretive little smile. “You fuck like a machine, a really, really good one. Like the best sex robot ever, but you don’t feel anything.”
Goddammit. “I feel things.”
“Maybe you do, maybe you don’t, but you don’t have the courage to face those things, so either way … it doesn’t matter.”
Her eyes drift again, and she says nothing more.
Shit.
I want to wake her up and argue with her. I laid it on the line for her tonight. Risked everything I’ve worked for, risked my life, and the life of my closest friends, all for her, and she dares to say I don’t feel anything?
As her mouth parts and a tiny snore escapes her perfect lips, I decide to leave it for now. I won’t say anything yet, but at some point, we need to talk.
I could tell her the three little words she wants to hear. Say them for an easy life, but I’m not a liar, and I don’t know if I feel them. I don’t think I am capable of feeling them, not in the way she wants. I can offer her something more, though. Lots of people fall head over heels in love and proceed to cheat on, lie to, even steal from the person they declare they are crazy about. I won’t do those things.
I’ll cherish her and keep her safe because I might not know if I love her in the gooey hearts and flowers way she wants. But I do want her. She’s mine, and I fucking take care of what’s mine.
I also don’t let it go.
CHAPTER FIVE
Maya
It’s been seven days of hell. Seven days since I lost my mother. Seven days drugged up and out of my mind.
Yesterday, I told Damen I didn’t want the damn drugs, but he forced my mouth open and made me take them. He did so gently, but it pissed me off completely. He’s so fucking controlling sometimes. Today, I accepted them, like the good little doll he seems to want, and pretended to swallow, but I spat them out when he’d gone. I need to be sharp.
I don’t trust him completely. His loyalties lie with Stamatis and Alesso, of that I’m sure. I still crave him, though, which I hate, because it makes me weak. I crave his arms around me at night, his familiar scent, and the warmth of his hard chest as I cry on him in the dark.
We haven’t made love, but he holds me tight every night, and he kisses me and soothes me as I cry. Every morning I swear it won’t happen again, and today will be the day I get strong, but then the night comes, and so do the tears.
During the day, I mostly stay in the bedroom, or go to the library and read alone. The house is full of men. Big, hard, scary men, and I don’t want to be stuck here unaware and vulnerable any longer, hence spitting the drugs out. Damen says all these big, scary men are here to protect me. But here’s the thing. I don’t want that. I want to protect myself. Look out for myself.
Take Alesso. He’s being kind, considerate even, but mere days ago, he wanted Damen to dump my ass so I would be one less complication for them. Damen keeps showing me with everything he does that he cares for me, in his bossy, overbearing way, but he can’t tell me he loves me. Or won’t.
So how do I trust them? When push comes to shove, will I come first, or their duty to Stamatis and the organization?
Then there’s the other men. Liam, the moody one. Reece, the comic, except I find him as funny as a dose of Chlamydia. And Andrius, the terrifying one. Even me, little old, don’t-care-if-I-live-or-die me, finds Andrius scary.
I have to get dressed, as today is one of the days of the week when I see my therapist. The hospital said it would be a few weeks before I talk to anyone, even though they had me listed as suffering from severe trauma, so Damen found someone privately. She comes every other day, and this will be our fourth session.
She’s due in a few minutes. I like her. I trust her too, despite not knowing her well yet, and I’m glad she’s a woman, because I find myself completely unable to trust any man right now.
I drag myself out of bed, my body aching. I didn’t get hurt particularly during the whole fucking hellish experience with Costas, not physically at least, but the terror I felt had me holding myself so rigid for so long that all my muscles throb as if I’ve run ten marathons.
Damen has tried to talk to me. He’s concerned about the effects of the sexual assault on me, and the witnessing of my mother’s death. Thing is, the whole sexual assault hasn’t got to me. Not at all. I don’t know why, but I knew what those men were going to do, and I’d already decided I would fight back. When that filthy bastard shoved his dick in my mouth, I bit down straight away, and the whole world went red, and it stayed red for such a long time.
Damen and his men burst onto the scene, and there was too much blood. I wasn’t traumatized by the ten seconds some utter piece of shit had his dick in my mouth, but Damen doesn’t believe me.
I know it might come later, and I’m ready for it, but now, it isn’t on the top five list of things bothering me. I tried to tell Damen that everyone reacts differently to things in their life, and this is my reaction. I own it for better or for worse.
What does seem to be getting to me is the amount of time I spent feeling
trapped during the ordeal. The sense I couldn’t get away clung to me, both during my time in the back of the vehicle, and the time tied up waiting to see what would happen. It was worst when they were hurting Mom and all I could hear were her cries. That’s what has me terrified and on edge. I can’t stand the idea of being anywhere I can’t get away from.
I head into the bathroom, but I don’t close the door. Another new habit since my whole fear-of-being-trapped thing. Getting ready doesn’t take long. A two-minute shower of which the Navy would be proud, a quick brush of teeth, some deodorant, and a moment to pull my hair up into a high ponytail and I’m done.
As I head downstairs to grab a coffee and a bite to eat before my appointment, my heart sinks. Male voices float up the stairs to me, deep, rumbling. A dark laugh rings out, and I wonder for a paranoid moment if they’re laughing about me.
Head high, I enter the room. Andrius, Liam, Alesso and Damen are sitting around the table, all sipping at steaming mugs of coffee.
“Maya.” Damen stands and comes to me, kissing me on the cheek.
I smile at him and raise my hand half-heartedly to the other men. “I’ll just grab a coffee and then be out of your hair.”
“Don’t be silly, you don’t have to go anywhere.”
I’m shocked that it’s Liam that says this.
“Sit with us for a while, have a drink.”
Oh, God, the very thought makes my palms moist. I nod and go to the coffee machine to pour myself a drink.
“You must be feeling kind of strange right now,” Liam says as I keep my back resolutely to him.
“Well, yeah, I think I’m in shock a little.”
“Shock, trauma, grief. The works,” Liam says again. What the hell is he doing? I don’t need to talk about this shit with him in front of all these men. Men who probably never would understand such emotions.
“I remember it only too well.”
I turn at those unexpected words. “You’ve felt like this?”
“Yes, I have. I mean, not exactly the same, it never is, but I’ve been through trauma, and I’ve experienced…issues We all did to some degree, although probably the worst off was Luka.”