by Scott, S. L.
Smiling down at her, I hold her hand in mine and her waist in my other. “Good or bad, intentions are commands of the heart.”
“What are we? Good or bad?”
Dipping her, I kiss her and whisper against her lips, “The best.”
When I bring her up, we’re pressed together again. No music, only the wind is heard, but we still sway together. She asks, “Why did you ask me to tell you everything I hate?”
“I wanted to fuck the hate out of you so you’re free from it.”
I like her smile too much. Seeing it now reassures me. Yeah, we’re going to be fine. “You were making love to me.”
“I want to replace that hate with the love you deserve, Hannah. I want you to feel it long after we leave that bed.”
“I feel it with you.” Holding my hand, she trails away until only the tips of our fingers touch. “I hated the life I was leading.”
“When?”
“Before Alfie.” I love when she suddenly turns shy. “Before you,” she whispers.
The words float through the air between us. She twirls, her skirt ballooning free like she wants to be from the worries that plague her.
I’ll give her what she needs. I’ll do my best to take her worries and bury them. I’m sure of all these things. I’m sure of her and me. One day, we’ll get married. She’s not just my heart, but she holds my soul captive inside her.
Going to her, I sling my arm around her shoulders. “C’mon. It’s too cold out here for you.” Her arm slips around my back, and we walk to the house. “So you want me to quit smoking?”
“Yes, I do. My cousin died of cancer, and it doesn’t matter how good you look doing it, your health is more important.”
“So is yours. No asking to smoke my cigs anymore.”
“You never let me anyway.”
“So how about I try to quit after the album wraps?”
Jumping in front of me, she places one hand against my abs, halting me. The other is between us. “Shake on it, Crow.”
“You’re a tenacious little thing.”
“A weed.” Her eyes reveal the happiness bubbling up inside her, and she laughs. “Weeds are persistent.”
“Wildflower,” I correct with a chuckle. “And yes, they are persistent.” Taking her hand in mine, I shake, a big and official shake. “You and Alfie got yourselves a deal.”
“He’ll be thrilled.”
Wrapping my arm around her waist, we go inside the house. “How about you? Will you be thrilled?”
“I already am.” Her hand rubs over my stomach, and I hear one of those little dreamy mews of hers that makes me hard. “I really like your body. Is that terrible to say?”
I scoop her up and put her over my shoulder. With a firm hold of her ass, I carry her upstairs. Just outside Alfie’s door, I stop, but she pulls the walkie-talkie from my jacket pocket and wiggles it in her hand. “He’s okay.”
“Okay.” She’s right. He is. I just worry. Wow. Maybe I’m not so lost on this dad thing after all.
Inside the room, I ask, “Shower?”
“Yes,” she replies with a little lift onto her toes and kissing me.
I start the water so it can warm up and take off my clothes. She comes into the bathroom naked already. I catcall her because damn, she’s fine. “You have a really fucking amazing body. You remember how you told me you stay in shape?”
She bursts out laughing and shakes her head. From that reaction, she clearly remembers. “I can’t believe I told you from fucking. I also can’t believe you didn’t throw me out of your bed right then.” Her hand goes under the water. The temperature must be right because she moves under the spray. “Ahhhh. This feels so good. Come in here with me, baby.”
Baby? Fuck. Who knew I’d like being someone’s baby so much. I move behind her and run my hands all over her stomach while kissing her neck. “It’s been a while since we did it in the shower. Hint. Hint.”
“Good God, Crow.” She laughs and cups between her legs. “My vagina needs a break.”
“I’d make apologies but yeah, I’m not sorry. You knew what you were getting back into when you seduced me with your charms and tight little pussy.”
“Who’s got the dirty mouth now?”
“Dirty.” I lower my voice. “You’re so dirty. Let me help you and make everything feel so much better.” I lower to my knees and turn her around, making her call my name while she praises the heavens above.
Twice.
Once we’re thoroughly exhausted and clean, we lie under the covers. She’s curled against me. She has her arm and leg draped over my body as I hold her.
“You’re a good guy, Jet.” Her eyelashes are feathers brushing against my skin. “You’ll always tell me the truth, right?”
“You have no reason to doubt me. I’m loyal to those I love.”
“I know you are. It’s my personal insecurities, not anything you’ve done.”
“Time.” I kiss her head. “It will take time, but I’ll give you no reason to ever doubt me.”
Snuggling closer, she closes her eyes, and then her breathing deepens and steadies. “Love you.”
“Love you.”
* * *
I left Hannah sleeping when I rolled out of bed to the sound of Alfie stirring around seven in the morning. My head is groggy as I pull on some boxer shorts and a T-shirt and head down the hall.
His door opens, and he smiles.
It’s hard to be annoyed at this early hour when you’re greeted with pure, unadulterated joy to see you. “Morning, buddy.”
“Morning. I’m hungry.”
“Go get dressed and brush your teeth. I’m gonna do the same and meet you back here in a few minutes. We have food in the kitchen, but I heard there’s going to be breakfast in the main house this morning.”
“I want waffles.”
Walking back to the room, I say, “We get what we get—”
“I know. I know. And we don’t throw a fit.”
A few minutes later, we’re walking across the property to the big house and I’m taking in the scenery. It’s a place I can only dream of having one day. Dreaming doesn’t cost a thing, so I’ll keep doing it. “You think you’d like living at a place like this?”
“Yes. Ms. Holli said we get to visit the horse today. I’ve never seen a real horse. I heard they’re big.”
“They are.” I hold out my hand, and he takes it so naturally as if we’ve been father and son forever. Guess we have. We just didn’t know it before. “Are you happy, Alfie?”
“I like it here. Are you happy, Daddy?”
My feet come to a stop, and my chest feels thick with hopes that can be destroyed with something as simple as questioning myself. Did I hear him correctly?
He asks, “What? Why’d we stop? I’m hungry.”
“What did you say?”
Looking up at me, he rubs his stomach. “I’m hungry.”
“Before that.”
The seconds tick by as he ponders my question. “Are you happy?”
I smile. “I am happy. When you asked me that, you called me daddy.”
Nodding quickly, he asks, “Is that okay? Am I in trouble?”
“No,” I say, bending down. Looking into my son’s eyes, I say, “You’re not in trouble. You called me daddy. Thank you, son.” I bring him in for a hug, and he hugs me. When I pull back, I add, “I like that. I love being your daddy.”
“I love it just like Mommy told me I would.”
We start walking toward the house again. “Hey, buddy?” When he looks up at me, I ask, “When did your mommy tell you about me?”
“When Grandma would go to bed, I would sneak into Mommy’s room and she’d let me sleep with her.”
“That’s nice of your mom. So you’d talk when your grandma was asleep?”
“Yeah, Mommy told me we had to keep our talks a secret because it would upset Grandma if she knew.”
On the terrace, we stop. I sit in a chair, which puts me eye le
vel with him. “Why do you think Grandma would be upset about you talking?”
“Grandma says she loves me, and if you ever found out Mommy died, you’d take me away forever.”
The fire in my gut rolls into anger. How could she be so cruel to her grandson? Can she not see how damaging her words can be? “Do you remember what else your mommy told you?”
“I didn’t have to. She wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget.”
“She did?” Looking away from me, he looks guilty, so I ask, “What is it?”
“I forgetted. Do you think she’ll be mad at me in heaven?”
I don’t need to correct his English right now. I need to hug him. Pulling him to me, I do just that. Sitting him on one of my legs, I say, “No, your mommy won’t be mad at all. Also, if you remember anything else, let me know. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Setting him on his feet, I stand. The back door opens, and Holli says, “You guys are up bright and early.”
“I’ve got an early riser,” I say.
She smiles and points at James as he speeds by on his push car. “I can relate.” Holding her hand out, she asks, “You hungry, Alfie?”
“Yes.”
“Come on in. I’ve got the waffle maker out. I could really use some help in the kitchen. Are you up for the job?”
He looks at me, looking for permission.
“Go on, kid.”
Running to Holli, he says, “My daddy gets the first waffle.”
“Absolutely, he does.” She takes him into the kitchen, but I stay a few minutes, watching the fog rise above the trees in the distance.
Man. That kid knows how to hit me right in the feels.
Daddy.
Best name ever.
28
Hannah
Heaven.
I’m in heaven.
Was last night real or just a dream?
Rolling to my side, I ache in all the good ways. I miss my personal heater as the chill from the room starts to seep in through the covers. I miss Jet’s weight on top of me, the steady hum of his heart beating next to mine, and the way his arm holds me tight like he’s afraid he’ll lose me in the night. I feel safe in his arms and in his bed.
I never did with Hunter. Even when I believed I was happy with my ex, I was living a lie, one he would eventually prove right.
Hunter Hix was the boy who lived across the cul-de-sac from me. He moved in when my parents were still together and kept me company back when I felt alone. The friend who was always there for me even when I was brace-faced and moody from changes in my body. He’s the one who comforted me when my mother left, the one who went to court as my mom fought for me, the one who sat behind me when the judge ruled in my father’s favor because he was the one who could support me.
At thirteen, I started looking at Hunter through new eyes, through teenage girl eyes. He was cute with his lanky body and a smile too big for his face. I thought I loved him then, but I was convinced two years later when playing doctor with him was totally different than when we were little.
He grew into his body and that smile. Other girls noticed, but he only noticed me . . . until he got a taste of fame.
Touring.
It’s a necessary evil of any musician who wants to get discovered or support an album. I thought Hunter loved me until the crowds increased with each tour stop. More fans. More girls. More groupies. Tickets were selling out before the band arrived in each city. It was fun.
At first.
Until it wasn’t.
Sex became about getting him off, feeding his ego. Too rough. He couldn’t do anything without a hit of something, without a high or a pill to stave off a low.
Weed wasn’t enough. Alcohol made things worse. A good mood could change before my eyes. Suddenly, I wasn’t enough. Everything I did was wrong.
I shouldn’t have quit school. What kind of fool was I? Young and so carelessly dumb.
That I have this second chance with a man who is so good to everyone he loves is incredible. I won’t blow it. I’ll be the woman he needs. Strength. As Holli said, I’m not a groupie. I’m his partner. When it’s painful for me, the scars reveal themselves, reminding me of a bad past, so I can’t hide or go quiet. I have to speak up, speak freely, and voice my fears. Fears that Jet helped put to rest last night.
My thoughts are changing, my self-worth growing, my body opening back up, and my soul healing. He did that. He doesn’t jump every hurdle I throw his way. He tramples it. Each act of love, his caring, and his forgiveness proves he’s the real deal, the one who will work for what he wants and then cherish his reward.
I want to be that for him too.
Opening my eyes, I see a note where Jet should be, and then I gasp. Alfie.
Checking the time, I realize he is surely up already. How did I sleep past nine?
Smiling because I know why.
Jet Crow.
I even swoon a little just thinking about him. The crazy thing is normally I’d be running into Alfie’s room, but I know I don’t have to. If Jet’s not in bed right now, that means Alfie’s already up, and they’re together. He’s truly embraced what it means to be a father—he’s showing up.
Reaching over, I take the little white note to read.
Good Morning, Wildflower,
Don’t worry. Alfie’s with me. Take however long you need and enjoy your morning.
Love,
Your former dirty little secret.
Even when he’s not here, he has me rolling my eyes.
I’d love to lounge around all day, but I know he’ll be working in the studio, and knowing Alfie’s six-year-old attention span, Jet will need me.
It feels good to be needed. But taking advantage of his offer, I don’t rush through my routine. I spend a few extra minutes getting ready—makeup, hair, and a pretty dress that feels like Southern California, matching the clear blue skies.
This estate is amazing, so much of Johnny with Holli mixed in—it feels so them, built with love for their family. I’d usually stop myself from dreaming of having the same, but I don’t today. I let my mind wander as I mosey across the vast lawn.
I walk in the back door but don’t see anyone around. There’s food on the table, which makes my stomach growl.
Taking a plate, I load it up, deciding it’s best to eat first before fully starting the crazy of my day, and Jet did say take my time. I pour a cup of coffee and sit on the terrace to enjoy the morning.
Holli and James soon find me. “Good morning. How’d you sleep, Hannah?”
When she’s seated on a chaise, her sunglasses come down from the top of her head to cover her eyes. Her hair is down, but she twists it up with a few flicks of her wrist and a rubber band she was wearing around it. Boom. Perfection. Disproving my theory of it being styled professional altogether. She’s the professional.
If I didn’t feel so good this morning, her beauty would intimidate me. But I’ve never felt more beautiful because of Jet and how he makes me feel inside.
“I love your dress,” she says.
And suddenly, I’m blushing. “Oh, God. This old thing. I just threw it on.” I take a sip of coffee just to make myself shut up.
Laughing, she says, “I had to learn to take a compliment. I used to be so uncomfortable with them. I felt like people were just being nice, not necessarily genuine. I never received the words they were gifting me. I never felt good enough, pretty enough, tall enough, short enough, thin enough, blond enough, brunette enough, tan enough, pale enough. Never enough. One day I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I saw me. I finally realized that what everyone thought of me was their business, not mine. To me, I was enough. That’s what mattered.”
I want that. I want to erase the words that I’m trouble. That I wasn’t beautiful enough to hold his attention. I need this for me. “Did things change?”
“It changed my whole life. I finally started living, living for me. I don’t tell this story much, but I thought Dalton
was a one-night stand.” She laughs again while watching James play with big blocks on the ground. “I left his room thinking I’d never hear from him again. We had our night, and that’s all the expectations I put into it. I wanted that one night as much as he did, and that was before I knew he was famous.”
“Would you have slept with him if you’d known?”
“Yes, but I liked that he worked for it. We talked, got to know each other a little before. It’s funny because even though I didn’t know he was famous, that night I got to know the real man. Not the showman or the musician. Just Dalton. That’s your superpower when it comes to Jet—knowing the man behind the image.”
“You’re saying this as if you already know he’ll be famous.”
She bends over to help James just as he starts getting frustrated with the wooden blocks. Looking back at me, she says, “He’s going to be famous, Hannah. He’s got everything going for him—the voice, the band, the songs, the looks, the charisma. Johnny sees it too, or he wouldn’t have signed them. The Crow men may be brothers, but they’re all unique. They’re the full package and are going to drive the fans wild.”
“That’s my fear.”
When she realizes I’m not joking, she comes to sit with me at the table. “Don’t fear fame. That’s a by-product of the career. It doesn’t have power over you or him, though it may feel like it does some days. If you feed it, it will grow. If you feed your souls, all the other stuff will be left outside the front door.”
“What about secrets? Things we don’t want people to know about. How do I hide those things?”
“You can’t. It’s just best to face them head on and then stroll right on by, leaving them in your past.”
Rolling a strawberry around my plate, I watch as the berry starts to lose its seeds. I don’t want to be a distraction to Jet’s career or for my past to haunt his future. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure, anything.”
“What I told you yesterday, the story about my ex.”
“Of how he abused you?”
“Yes. Jet doesn’t know all the details.”