by Scott, S. L.
“I wish she were here,” he says, dropping his head down. “But I feel bad because I don’t want you to feel sad.”
“You thinking about your mother, wishing she were here doesn’t hurt me, Alfie. You being sad or feeling guilty does. You can love her and still love me.” Hannah covers her heart. “She’s inside my heart just as she’s inside yours.”
Jet rubs the top of his head. “Hey, buddy. She can’t be here in body, but she’s with us in spirit. We thought since the waves were rolling in, I could take you out on the board and we could send a lei out to sea in her honor.”
“Really?”
“Yes, we get to go swimming.”
“Sure,” he says, smiling.
Off to the side, there are ten or fifteen boards leaning against a fallen tree. Jet sets Violet down and takes Alfie’s hand. Looking at Johnny, then at Rochelle, he says, “I was thinking we could honor Cory as well.”
Derrick, The Resistance’s guitarist, along with Kaz, the other, are the first ones to move. They kiss their wives, who then join Hannah on the blankets spread out on the beach. Nikki takes my hand. “Will you wait with me?”
I start to leave but turn back and kiss Ridge. “Be safe, okay. I saw how the ocean won yesterday. I want you back in one piece today.”
“I have more reason to fight today.”
“Me too.”
Holli makes sure they all have leis before they grab a board and start paddling out. Alfie sits in front of Jet as he paddles away. Tommy, Laird, and Shane leaving right after.
Darcy sits next to me just as Stella and Rivers show up. They kiss before she comes and lies down behind me, propped up on an elbow. I want to talk to her, ask her all about the wedded bliss, but this doesn’t seem to be the time.
Rivers runs with a board into the ocean and heads out with Dex, who kisses Rochelle once more. They’re all fit; having to perform at the level they do keeps them in shape. The added workouts sculpt their godly bodies. The calmer waters are way offshore, but they seem to find a satisfactory space too far for us to see much other than them lined up in a row, sitting on their boards.
Cassie wasn’t a surfer, and from my understanding, Cory wasn’t either, but the ceremony seems to still fit for honoring them between heaven and earth. I don’t know why I start to cry. I’m sure I’m just tired, but hearing the wind through the trees and the crashing ocean waves, Violet making the sweetest little babbling sounds, and seeing these men who would do anything for each other and their families, including me—emotion gets caught in my throat.
Holli and Rochelle stand with their feet in the water, arms wrapped around each other while the rest of us sit and watch, feeling the heaviness of the moment, this moment when we’re all one.
My sister rests her head on my shoulder, and I whisper, “I told him about Mom and Dad.”
Even though she knows what I’m referring to from living through it, surprise brightens her sage-colored eyes. “And?” I feel safe. Adored. Cherished.
“I think he loves me.”
Tears fill her eyes just as quickly as they fill mine. “And you?”
“I think I love him too.”
25
Meadow
What if?
I’ve posed that question to myself many times over the past year. I didn’t know what my sister had truly done to protect me. She always shouldered the burden of responsibility, allowing me to fly free as much as possible. But finding out how she sacrificed herself to give me a chance to live life as it should be has shaken me to the core.
In high school, I used to act first and face the repercussions later just to push the boundaries. I’d get drunk and make out with any cute guy who looked my way, trying to forget the pain I hid inside.
By college, I wanted to find love, or what I thought was love. Bad attention and toxic relationships do not equal love, and I found this out the hard way. A string of pointless dates, some sending red flags to get out before I got in too deep. Others, I fell in to like a rock in shallow water—hard and fast.
I’ve tried love before, and all it did was prove my parents were right.
But when I look at Dave’s hand tangled with mine between our seats, I smile. Physically, we were electric from the moment we met, and that current still flows strong between us if not even stronger.
Being in a relationship with him makes me feel vulnerable. We all handle pain in different ways, and I buried mine. But Dave isn’t just a good time even though he was at first. It was safe to keep my feelings boxed that way.
This isn’t about a second chance for us but giving us the first real chance we never got. Attraction has always been a pull between us, but he makes me laugh. Whether we’re watching a movie, talking, cooking, or even just eating Ding Dongs, he makes me happy just being together. I’ve been my own damn obstacle. With an open heart and optimism paving the way, I’m going to fight for us, just as I promised him.
He deserves that, and so do I.
Holli walks down the aisle of the private plane and sits across from me. Dave has his headphones on and is sleeping, trying to catch up on some of the sleep we lost last night. “Hey,” she says, tapping my knee. “We didn’t get to talk much.”
“No,” I reply, feeling my face heat. Although she’s done nothing but be nice since we met last year at Jet’s house, I find her terribly intimidating. It’s not her fault. It’s me. She’s just so beautiful, and although we dress similarly in casual clothes, she has a refined elegance about her. I think she’s around thirty but is also worldly for her age.
I hope I can be like her one day.
With a bottle of water in her hand, she glances at Dave and then back at me. “I’ve never seen him look so happy. Have you dated long?”
“A while, but it’s been more like a secret between us.”
“I love that.” Her eyes sparkle with life, happiness, interest. “I wanted to apologize for last night. Dalton and I . . .” I love that she calls her husband a special name. Sort of like how I call Ridge Dave, and he calls me Meadow Soleil, sunshine, and even cherry cheeks. “We didn’t see you until . . . well, we left as soon as we did, but I still want to apologize.”
Kill.
Me.
Now.
My cheeks flame fire hot as my heart races. “Um, I—”
“Nothing to be embarrassed by. We didn’t ‘see’ anything, but when we realized, well, I’m sorry.” Leaning forward, she adds, “Dalton and I are the worst. I’m surprised we don’t have more kids.”
That reminds me.
I dig through my purse to get a birth control pill.
Holli stands, holding the back of the seat to balance, and says, “Next time you’re in LA, we should get the girls together and do some shopping or hang out.”
“I’d like that,” I say, trying not to freak out that the famous Holliday Hughes Outlaw wants to hang out with me.
“Great. Oh and he looks great on you too.” Her mouth drops open, and she laughs. “That’s not what I meant to say. Happiness looks good on you too.”
I laugh. “Guess you would know either way.”
“Guess so.” Still laughing, she moves to the couches at the front of the plane and sits on her husband’s lap. No other couple seems to captivate the papers like her and her famous lead singing husband, but they are so down to earth, they make you forget about that side of their lives.
Resting my hand on Dave’s forearm, I begin to believe that despite his fame maybe things can be normal between us as well. I take the pill and chase it down with a sip of water.
Darcy caught a different flight back to England, so I don’t get to share everything that’s gone down, but I’ll definitely be calling her when I’m back in Austin.
My back hurts from being in the same position for so long, so I slip out of my seat, careful not to wake Dave, and walk to the front where recliners are near the couches. Sitting next to Hannah, I look down into the portable crib at Violet sleeping. I can’t help but touch on
e of her little hands, though I’m careful not to wake her.
Hannah’s voice is soft when she speaks. “She’s so tired. The time difference has thrown her off, which means we’re all off schedule.”
I say, “She’s beautiful.” Hannah tucks her hair behind her ear. “Like you.”
“Thank you, Meadow.”
“She’s very much a Crow as well and reminds me of Jet’s mother. Louisa was beautiful, inside and out.”
Tears form in her eyes. “That’s a beautiful thing to say. Jet will love to hear it.”
My eyes well with tears as I look at this precious little sleeping being. I wipe under an eye and laugh. “I’m not sure why I’m suddenly all emotional.”
“A lot has changed over the past year for you. Weddings always make me cry too.”
“Yeah,” I reply, gulping down my wayward emotions. “The wedding.”
“The guy.”
That makes me laugh in the lightest of ways. “Yes, the guy.”
“I’m happy for you and Dave.”
“You are?” As one of his closest friends, her opinion of me matters.
“You have such a big heart, Meadow. I’ve seen it in how you are with your sister and heard from Jet, Tulsa, and Rivers how genuine, kind, and considerate you are. You have quite the fan club.”
“They used to look out for me.”
“I’ve heard some stories. They think very highly of you and your sister and care a lot about you both. I also feel like I know you better through your sister.” Violet fusses, moving around, but doesn’t wake up. Alfie comes from the back and sits down in the chair with me as though we’re good old friends.
With her eyes on Alfie, Hannah says, “Speaking of genes, the Crow genes are strong.” Hannah laughs and rubs his head. “Here’s another one who hasn’t gotten enough sleep.”
“I’m wide-awake.”
“You were last night too.” He doesn’t pick up on her sarcasm, but I do. “School is going to be rough if you don’t sleep well tonight. I think you should go to bed early.”
He looks up at me. “We’re stuck learning eight hours a day, then they send more stuff home to torture us.” He huffs, and even though he’s Jet’s son, I see a lot of Tulsa in that kid’s expression.
Violet starts to cry, so I ask, “Can I help with anything?”
Touching my arm, she smiles. “You’re so sweet for offering, but we’ll be fine.” She leans down and picks her up, holding her in her arms.
Alfie moves my hair from the side of my face and says, “You look like Aunt Stella.”
My head jolts back, and my eyebrows pop up. “Aunt Stella.” So weird to think of her like that, but the kid is right on both counts.
“Your hair is darker. Is it real?”
“My hair?” Running my fingers through the ends, I reply, “My hair is real.”
“What is the real color?”
“This color. Maybe a little lighter in summer.”
Shrugging as though I’m the crazy person who started this conversation, he says, “You’re weird, and I like weird.”
“We’re both from Austin.”
In unison, we say, “Keep Austin weird,” then crack up laughing.
Jet comes over to Hannah. “Want me to take her?”
“We’re all good.”
Focusing on his son, he says, “Hey Alfie, your mom says you have homework that’s due tomorrow. Get to it, buddy.”
When he gets up, I do too. My emotions continue to get the best of me, and I hug my honorary big brother. “What you did for Alfie this morning was really touching.” Jet’s big bear hug arms come around me. Not to be left out, Alfie squeezes between us and wraps his arms around me as well, so I lower mine to include him too.
Stepping back, I get a good look at the man he’s become. Like my sister, the burdens that used to weigh him down seem to be gone. His worries left in another lifetime. We turn away from the others, and I say, “Hannah’s amazing.”
His smile grows, and he nods. “She is.”
Alfie eyes me with narrowed lids and a flat tightened mouth. “Aunt Stella is married to Uncle Rivers.”
“Yes, she is,” I say.
“Uncle Tulsa met Aunt Nikki on tour last year.”
“I heard.”
“My dad found me through Hannah.” A light seems to shine, and his eyes come alive. “Ridge.”
“What about Ridge?”
“Mom said you make him happy.”
It’s impossible not to enjoy this conversation. “He makes me happy.”
His body slams into mine. “You’re family, Meadow. Are you my aunt?”
“I’m not sure how that works, but we are family.”
He hugs me again and says, “We hug family.”
I lower down and hug him again. With my forehead on his shoulder, I whisper, “That’s right. We hug family.”
Then he dashes to the back of the plane. “Well, okay then. There’s that.”
“Meadow, come on.” I see him peeking around the corner behind a seat and waving me over. “Let’s surprise him.”
“He already knows I’m here.”
“Uncle Ridge?” he says.
Uncle? This kid is the cutest. I think everyone’s family when it comes to him. He shakes Dave.
“Oh shit.” I cover my mouth, realizing I’ve used a swear word in front of an eight-year-old. “Sorry.”
“You owe me a buck.”
“I’ll pay ya later.” Thumbing toward the back of the plane, I say, “Now scram, kid, before you get in anymore trouble.”
He hightails it past me to a seat next to Jet. I try to figure out what I should do other than standing here like a weirdo. I put my arm across the top of two seats and stand like I have to pee. “What are you doing there, cherry cheeks?”
Our eyes meet—his hazels to my greens—and nothing’s felt more right. I push off and fall into the seat next to him. Before he can speak, I lift the dividing armrest and move to curl up in his arms. “I missed you, rock star.”
“I’ve only been asleep.”
“I’m saying it now because I want to see how you look at me, memorize it, and recall the way you have flecks of gold around the green center, that your pupils widen when you’re turned on and your eyes are on me, and watch that tongue glide over your lips like you’re ready just from the sight of me.”
“I am ready. I’m always ready for you.”
“By tonight, I’ll be in Austin and you’ll be back in LA. When will I see you next?”
“Starting next week, we have three shows and a billion interviews in Australia and New Zealand.”
I love the way his hand rubs my hip, holding me while taking advantage of the position. “I have midterm exams in November.” We both appear to come to the same realization at the same time. “Thanksgiving.”
“No, too far away,” he says abruptly. “I’ll come see you when I return to the same hemisphere.”
“I’d like that. Your mom. Is that something you want to talk about?”
“No,” he repeats. “But I know you’re curious, and I should tell you.”
“You don’t have to.” I slip off his lap and back into the seat next to him.
“I want you to know because you’re important to me, like she is. I just don’t like to spend what little time I have with you feeling down.”
I do wonder about her and how serious it sounds, but how can I push when it’s the last thing he needs right now? I rest my head on his arm, which he moves to wrap around me. Kissing my head, he adds, “Soon, okay?”
I nod, letting it go, though I worry how bad it must be for him not to want to discuss it at all. Strangely, I’m not hurt about his choice here. If there was one thing I learned from having three Crow boys as brothers, it’s that men do not naturally open up about things that concern them. They internally process before they speak. So, this isn’t rejection from Dave. This is his processing, and I’m good with that. Good with him.
* * *
>
When the private plane lands, I’m put in a car to take me to the next airport. As tired as Dave seems, he rides with me. Leaning his head back on the seat, he says, “This is the first time we’ve been alone in a long time.”
“We were alone in the room.”
“But still surrounded by so many people just a stone’s throw away.”
Eyeing the driver in the front of the SUV, I say, “We’re not so alone now.”
The privacy glass rolls up, and Dave moves closer. “How about now?”
Charming bastard. “How much time do we have?”
“Plenty, but let’s steal some more.” He pushes a button and says, “Take the long way to LAX.”
With a laugh, I add, “You’re so bad.”
“But so good for you. We’ve got thirty minutes.”
I’ve never wished to get stuck in traffic before now. “Better get started then.”
* * *
I’ve never used this entrance to LAX, but that no cop is rushing us to leave makes me happy. It gives me a few extra minutes to shed the tears that refuse to hide inside.
The pads of his thumbs are rough, but he’s so gentle that I barely feel him as he runs them over the tops of my cheeks. “Don’t cry, sunshine. We’ll have another day.”
“I want it now and weeks after that.”
“A month won’t do. I’m going to need you for a year just to count the colors in your eyes. Don’t be fooled, green doesn’t come close to covering what I see when I look at you.”
“What do you see?”
“Emerald and sea, thyme and spring, waterfall and moss, ocean and earth. I can go on about all the greens that make up who you are to me.” This beautiful man and his gift in words. It’s no wonder he writes incredible lyrics. They’re from his soul . . . a soul I’m falling in love with.
Holding my cheeks, he brings me in and kisses the top of my head as I cry against his shoulder. He whispers, “I don’t do well with your tears, sweetheart. Leave me with a smile.”
He continues to rub my back as I struggle to pull myself together. This time, I dry my tears and take a deep breath before sitting up. I know I look a mess, but I’ll try my best to give him what he needs. A smile. “We haven’t talked much about the future, mainly because of me. But I need you to know that wherever you go in the world, I want you to come back to me.”