That new, third roar filled the world again. It was definitely shouting something, getting closer.
This was a deep, beefy voice. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female, though it reminded me of the Hoarder boss. It sounded absolutely irate.
“It’s a woman,” Donut said after a moment. “She really needs a throat lozenge or something. She sounds like she’s been smoking nonstop since she was a baby.”
The feral god cried again, and this time I could understand what she was saying.
“Psamathe,” she screamed. “Samantha! I can smell you! I know you escaped! You may be hiding, but I will find you, you worthless little whore!”
“Uh oh,” Donut said. “That doesn’t sound good.”
I was about to send a message to Katia, telling her to abort everything and to get to a stairwell when I received a surprising notification.
You have received an Emergency Platinum Benefactor Box from your sponsor, The Open Intellect Pacifist Action Network, Intergalactic NFC.
“Samantha!” the massive feral god shouted. In the distance, I caught sight of a pair of batlike, beating wings. The creature stood atop that distant, glowing bubble. It was only in silhouette, but the shape was of a fat creature, overflowing with rolls of flesh and with no neck. The thing wasn’t nearly as big as the other gods, not even close, but it was still huge. It carried a sparkling whip that crackled with lightning. “Samantha,” it howled as it approached.
Not a god. A demon. A feral demon. It would be here in minutes.
“If it gets too close, go down the stairs, Donut,” I yelled, and I sprinted back toward Hump Town. I needed to open the goddamn loot box.
Mordecai: A platinum emergency box? Are you shitting me? Do you know how much that had to cost? That had to be more than the GDP of some star systems. That had to be the most expensive box in the game’s history!
Carl: Yeah, my first instinct was to abort everything and run down the stairs, but I figured we might as well look at it. Whoever these guys are, they must want this plan to go smoothly.
I actually felt bad, especially if these pacifist assholes were truly trying to help. If they were counting on my plan going exactly as I said it’d go, they were about to be disappointed.
Mordecai: You should forget this nonsense and run down the stairs anyway.
Carl: What does Samantha say?
Mordecai: You can ask her directly now that she’s hired. You’ll have to approve the chat in the menu.
I clicked through, and sure enough, there was an option to add staff members. I clicked it as I rushed through the doors of the closest intact pub. This was a saferoom in what had once been Weird Shit Alley. The whole town was unrecognizable.
I could see that Donut had already approved her to chat and changed her name from Psamathe to Samantha. Knowing Donut, she’d probably already gotten the minor god-turned-sex doll’s life story out of her.
Carl: Samantha, who is that fat demon with wings and a whip?
I jumped into my menu and clicked on boxes.
Samantha: A WHIP? DOES SHE LOOK LIKE AN UNCIRCUMCISED GNOME PENIS?
Carl: Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. She doesn’t have a neck.
Samantha: I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE SHE IS. YOU JUST BRING ME OUTSIDE, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT. I WILL KILL HER AND HER MOTHER. BITCH CAN’T HANDLE ME.
Carl: Jesus, did Donut show you the caps lock key?
Samantha: LET ME FIGHT HER! I CAN TAKE THE FAT BITCH DOWN!
The platinum sponsor box opened with a ridiculous amount of fanfare. A group of cogs and wheels turned, spitting confetti all over the place. The dromedarians all turned to watch. This better not be another goddamn vegetable.
A single object popped out. It was a curved piece of wicker basket, though it glowed with enchantment. I just stared at it. I extended my xistera, and sure enough, the device slid easily onto the scoop. I wouldn’t be able to retract it like this, but the item’s purpose was clear.
Carl: You really want to fight her?
Samantha: I’LL KILL HER.
Carl: You’re about to get your chance.
I rushed to the door of the personal space. The main room was trashed thanks to all the kids, but finally empty except for Mordecai, who sat on the couch watching some goddamn television show. The cleaner bot beeped mournfully at me as I rushed past and burst into the training room. I grabbed Samantha, and I bolted for the door.
“Don’t take her outside,” Mordecai yelled at me, alarmed. “You’ll summon another god if she goes outside!”
I ignored him as I rushed through the door, holding onto the cackling sex doll by the hair.
“Carl, why’d you bring her out here?” Donut cried. “And what is that on your arm?”
“It’s on! It’s time for me to bring the pain!” Samantha squealed. “Where are you at, you rank whore!”
“I smell you! You’re here!” the massive demon squealed, the voice distressingly close.
I looked about, trying to see where the giant monster had gone. “Where the hell is the monster?”
A high-pitched, crackling noise filled the air, like the sound of incoming artillery.
“Watch out!” I cried, preparing to hit my shield. I paused, seeing the attack would miss.
The whip was actually a chain, similar to what Li Na used. Each individual link was the size of a semi-truck. The chain glowed with electricity. It came from below, arcing up into the air, unfurling like a snake. It crashed down heavily into the bowl, a half a mile away. The chain slammed across the desert, cleaving through the rock as if it was butter and cutting deep into the temple below. An edge of the already-collapsed bowl started to slide away. The ground rumbled. Juice Box transformed into a turtle. She jumped atop the winding box, keeping it safe and in place.
That wouldn’t matter if the whole temple collapsed. I eyed the stairwell, just a few feet away.
“You missed, you crazy bitch!” Samantha shrieked. “It’s not my fault your man likes me more than you! He told me you smell like the asshole of a Felch demon! He says he’d rather fornicate with a razor elemental than stick it in you ever again!”
Katia: What the hell is going on up there?
Donut: GIRL FIGHT! GIRL FIGHT!
Carl: Stay put. Don’t move!
The massive head rose over the horizon, glaring directly at us. The monstrosity glowed with purple light. On either side of the head, the tops of black, leathery wings rose.
I had no idea what an uncircumcised gnome penis looked like, but at that moment, I was quite certain Samantha’s description had been accurate. The head was a pink, fleshy dome, yet somehow also covered in scales, like the thing was a lizard/mammal hybrid. Scattered, black hairs criss-crossed the thing’s head. Twin, reptilian eyes stared at us. I knew a guy who once had a pet bearded dragon, and the eyes reminded me of that thing. A jagged, teeth-filled mouth spread across the demon, and a red tongue flitted out. The stench of unfiltered cigarettes filled the world, almost choking.
The monster was slathered in so much mascara, eyeshadow, and lipstick, it made Samantha’s makeup seem subtle. Bruise-colored eyeshadow rose from each eye, reaching to the patchy hairline. Lipstick, thick like knee-deep spackle surrounded her giant mouth. The stuff fell off in massive clumps as she grimaced. Each cheek was painted equally red, swirls like the storm on Jupiter.
The damn head was the size of a sports arena, which was ridiculously huge, but small compared even to Emberus. That didn’t seem so important right now.
Slit. Feral Minor Demon. Level 200.
One of the many demons captured and tossed into the Nothing during the original Ascendency, Slit never wanted to be caught up in all that royal drama, but what can you do? When you’re in love, you’d do just about anything for your man.
Eons in the madness have taken a terrible toll on Slit’s sanity and sense of self-worth.
“Samantha,” Slit croaked. “You are so dead.”
“Oh, this bitch. I know which one this is.
Quick, give me a weapon,” Samantha said.
“A weapon? You can’t move,” I said. I shoved her face-first into the round slot. She fit perfectly.
The way the accessory was described left no doubt as to what they wanted me to do. I just hoped it would actually work.
Enchanted Xistera Extension Slot. Head-throwing attachment.
This is a unique item!
This item was created especially for Crawler Carl by The Open Intellect Pacifist Action Network, Intergalactic NFC.
Attaches to the end of a xistera. Allows for the tossing of a head.
This special edition head tosser is custom made to fit decapitated love doll heads.
When tossing a head of a withering spirit, the distance traveled will be greatly enhanced. (500 meters x Strength.)
Tossed head will be magically returned once the extension slot is removed from xistera.
“You have daggers in your inventory! Stick one in my mouth! I need to cut the bitch!”
Slit the demon reared back, ready to slam her chain whip down once again.
“No time, sorry,” I said. I turned 90 degrees, and I chucked Samantha with all of my might. She rocketed away, screaming that she was going to kill my mother.
Slit screeched in rage and turned to follow.
My unenhanced strength was 75. With all of my gear and buffs, it was well over 100. I’d just tossed her over 50 kilometers away. The fat demon took a few moments to gather steam, but her wings flapped, and soon she was booking it out into the lacuna.
“That was mighty convenient that they had that box ready to go,” Donut said, watching the giant demon chase after the head. The strange demon was wearing some leather-like S&M outfit, something one of those tuskling dominatrixes would wear, but somehow more trashy. It was covered in dangly, sequoia-sized tassels. Her large body sloshed like gelatin as her wings worked overtime to keep her frame aloft. She chased the head off into the darkness, howling. The cigarette stench remained, overpowering the smell of the burning turkey.
“No,” I said. “They had it ready to go for another purpose, probably on the next floor,” I said. “They’d been forced to send it now.”
“What do you mean?” Donut asked.
“Watch,” I said.
As Slit chased after the head, the sky cracked open. Something else appeared. This was yet another god, someone I hadn’t seen before. It was too distant to properly examine. I couldn’t quite make its features, but this was one of the physically huge ones. It had multiple arms.
I was expecting it to go after Samantha. It did not. It turned and plucked Slit up, holding the fat, squirming demon like someone would pick up a small rodent. And just like that, it ripped the feral demon in two. Even at this distance, I could hear the sound of tearing flesh. Slit shrieked as gore showered everywhere. Her chain whip dropped away, crashing heavily. A moment passed, and then both the god and the corpse disappeared.
“What was that?” Donut asked. “Carl, why are you summoning all these giant monsters?”
“Samantha was always going to summon a deity once we took her outside. This extension thing was supposed to be a prize similar to a celestial grenade. They’d likely had it made to give to us on the next floor. I guess they figured protecting us now was more important.”
I looked up into the air. “Thanks for saving us,” I said. “I don’t know how much it cost, but I hope it was worth it.” I pulled the xistera extension off, and I pulled it into my inventory.
Carl: You good?
Katia: It was very sloshy for a minute, but we’re calming down. Everything is good. It got those concierge sharks all riled up.
Carl: I’m only expecting one more attack before we’re done. That one shouldn’t be as seismic.
Samantha popped into existence at my feet, screaming. “Not fair! Not fair! You tell my mother to get back here! That was my kill!” We just stared down at her as she continued to moan and growl. “Throw me again. Maybe that’ll bring her back!”
“That god thing was your mother?” Donut finally asked.
“I’m going to kill her,” Samantha said.
“Wait,” I said. “Wasn’t your dad the one who sent you into the Nothing?”
“Yeah. He was mad at me for having a baby with my king. But my mom was banging him too, so she got mad. Jealous bitch. She said she was going to kill me if I ever got out, but she killed that Slit bitch instead. She never keeps her promises. Parents not keeping their promises is the number one cause of childhood trauma, you know.”
I looked at Donut. “Do you think that god was sponsored? I wished we could have seen her.” Was it possible the “pacifist” group had also paid to sponsor a deity? I picked Samantha back up. I needed to get her back into the personal space. Our access would close when there was only an hour left.
“Why was that demon mad at you?” Donut asked.
“She thought I had sex with her king.”
“Did you?” Donut asked.
“Ew,” Samantha said. “Gross.”
“Then why did she think that?”
“Oh, she’s part of some demon harem thing. I was talking about my sexual exploits with my king, and she thought I was talking about her king. She got all belligerent. I don’t like confrontation, as you well know, but she made me mad. So I told her that her king and I had all sorts of weird sex. You wouldn’t believe how mad that made her and all of her sisters.”
“How many sisters does she have?” I asked, suddenly concerned.
“The Nothing is filled with the harem. They all hate me.” She laughed. “Anytime one of them gets out, that’ll probably happen, so get used to it. Slit was only one of the little ones. Her sister Gash is the one you really need to look out for.”
Juice Box stood, back in human form. In the distance, more of the bowl caved in where it had been cleaved in two. For the first time since I’d met the changeling, she looked frazzled.
“I’m starting to regret agreeing to help you,” she said.
Time to level collapse: 1 hour.
Warning: All access to Safe Rooms is now closed.
We’d been waiting for a few hours now, just sitting there while Juice Box changed form to entertain us. After the appearance of the demon, the following hours of silence were jarring.
Juice Box was actually being super helpful, showing us forms of monsters I’d never heard of and then showing me the best way to kill them. Some of these monsters were listed in the cookbook, but for many of them, the weaknesses weren’t noted. I was taking notes of everything.
Each time she changed, Juice Box reverted to her buzz-ard form before forming into something else. The creature had a special hunting ability that could find creatures hidden in the sand.
Eventually, I got sick of waiting. We were running out of time.
“I know you’re there, Maggie. I don’t know what you’re waiting for. If you want to talk, come on out.”
A full minute of silence followed. But then the voice came. “They told me about the potion,” Chris—Maggie—called from their hiding place. A chill washed over me.
It sounded as if they were directly below me, which startled me. It was muffled, but still super close, almost like the voice was whispering in my ear.
It was why nobody had been able to find them. Rock creatures all came with camouflage abilities. It turned out Chris had the ability to burrow into sand dunes and disappear.
“Yeah,” I said. I slowly moved away. Next to me, Mongo squawked. Juice Box took flight, pointing downward. They were actually several feet away from where the voice was coming from. Another ability? Donut moved to jump atop the dinosaur.
I continued, talking loudly. “I got this weird yam thing in a sponsor box, and at first, our manager guy couldn’t figure it out. I don’t know if you saw what happened earlier, but that Samantha doll head that was out here? She helped him figure it out. It actually has multiple uses. The yam thing grows in lava or magma or something. I honestly don’t remember what th
e difference is between the two. But anyway, the yam can either be used for a type of special ink for scrolls, or it can be used for a few different lava-themed potions. It can be a special type of healing scroll for lava rock monsters like Chris, or it can be used as a phase potion for people to be able to easily pass through lava rock. And that’s what Mordecai made for us. A Phase Lava Rock potion. Once I take it, you won’t be able to touch me. Chris’s arms will go right through me.”
Juice Box indicated they were moving. They’d been slowly, slowly creeping through the sand in full camouflage mode. Juice Box had sensed their presence an hour ago, and she’d quietly pointed it out to us. I wouldn’t be able to do anything until they revealed themselves.
My pulse quickened. We didn’t have Katia here with her special bolt. This was it.
“They have my other daughter, Carl. They’re going to bring her back. They’re going to turn her into a monster and make someone kill her if I don’t do this. I can’t let it happen.”
“They’re doing this to all of us,” I said, slowly sliding along the sand. “We all lost someone, Maggie. We could’ve worked together. You got misled. I regret what happened with Yvette. But you’re focusing your anger on the wrong people.”
“You don’t understand,” she replied after a moment. “I’m not angry anymore.” They had to move very slowly to keep from being detected. She could throw her voice, and she made it seem like she was stalking me, but I wasn’t the target. The winding box was. They’re going to try to move it, or drop it down into the temple below. They only needed to move it five feet.
“Chris is a good guy,” I said, slowly moving away from the sand dune. The Phase Lava Rock potion only lasted a minute, so I didn’t want to take it too soon. “He didn’t do anything to you, and you’re torturing him.”
“You should just go down the stairs,” Maggie said. “I’m sorry it has come to this. I was so angry, so blinded by what you’d done. I wasn’t a bad person before this. I swear I wasn’t. But I have to protect my family, no matter what. I thought it was done when I killed Frank, but I was wrong. When the caprid came to us in the rest area, it told me it’d help if we killed you.”
The Gate of the Feral Gods Page 52