by Kira Adams
“Give me more credit—you know I’m spunkier than that!” She punches me in the arm. “Now I’m going fishing…you coming?”
“Fishing?”
“Yeah, are you blind? There’s a whole plethora of girly fish out there to choose from. Let’s go fishing!” Aria grabs my arm and begins pulling me into the barn.
“Wait! I need to tell my friend where I’m going!” My eyes wander back to the keg, looking for Dylan, but it’s as if he vanished. I shrug, and Aria leads the way.
“Look at that…” Aria says, the saliva basically dripping off her tongue as she stares at the ass of one of the partygoers. The girl’s shape reminds me of Maddy’s curves, but I push it to the back of my mind.
The girl sways back and forth unsteadily, and a grungy-looking guy wraps his arms around her waist to steady her. It can’t be Maddy. She would never drink without me…and she wouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for anything that guy might be selling. My heart slows, holding on to those notions.
“Whoa…are you okay?” Aria’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m fine…why?”
“You were just fixated on that booty…it’s like you were hypnotized!” She laughs at her own joke.
I crack a smile, but it’s wiped from my face the minute I spot Kendall walking through the crowd. When I look back for the mystery girl, it’s apparent she’s disappeared. My legs are already carrying me over to where Dylan’s girlfriend is.
“Kendall, what are you doing here? I thought you and Maddy were having a girls night?”
She whips around, her long blond hair in tow, looking like a deer in headlights. “Oh, God.”
“You read my mind.” My reply is dripping with sarcasm.
“Is Dylan here?”
“Yup.”
Panic flashes across her eyes.
“Parker, who is this?” Aria shows up out of nowhere, eyeing Kendall up and down seductively.
“Not now, Aria!” I shout unintentionally. She winces, and guilt drips down my body. “I-I’m sorry,” I stammer, taking a step closer to her, but she spins around, bolting in the opposite direction. My heart falls into the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to be an asshole tonight and accomplished it without even trying.
I turn my attention back to Kendall. “Where is she?”
“Parker…” Kendall says softly.
“Where is she?” I growl, inching my face closer to hers.
She doesn’t bother trying a third time, just leads me up the stairs and to the second story of the barn. There is loud music and Christmas lights. It’s like a world of its own up here.
Rounding the corner, I catch sight of Maddy and the grungy guy from earlier dancing a little too close for comfort.
“Beat it,” I growl before ripping him away from her.
“Hey man, cool it!” He throws his arms in the air to signal that he isn’t a threat.
“Get the hell out of here before I snap your neck,” I shoot back. It’s an empty threat, but he doesn’t know that.
Madalynne sways back and forth, barely able to hold her head up. I rush to her aid, giving her my shoulder to lean on and leading her to a haystack to sit down. “How much have you had to drink tonight, Maddy?”
Her head rolls side to side, her brown hair obscuring her view.
I sweep the strands out of her face then look back at Kendall. “Get me some water!”
She nods, scurrying off back down the stairs.
“Maddy.” I stroke her face gently. “I need you to stay with me.”
“Parker?” She manages to get my name out right before puking all over my pants and my shoes.
I sigh loudly. “You’re damn lucky I love you.”
“So happy you could make it.” Topher Carlson smacks me on the back.
“Of course, man.”
“Do you want beer, beer, or…beer?” He leads the way into his enormous house. It never gets old coming over.
“Beer works for me.” I laugh, following him into the immaculate kitchen. “Hi, Rosa,” I say politely to Topher’s house cleaner.
“Hello, Mr. Parker,” she says in her adorable Cuban accent. “I haven’t seen you long time. Good you here.” She cracks a genuine smile, and I swear I see Topher gagging out of the corner of my eye.
He pulls open the fridge then tosses me a cold Bud Lite. Catching it, my conscience screams at me. “Dude, are you sure…?” My eyes shift between Topher and Rosa.
He pops his lid, the fizzy noise all too familiar. “Rosa’s cool, she won’t say anything.” Somehow, he seems to get away with everything.
Topher leads the way down to his game room. It’s been the hangout for kids my age since we were in elementary school. Every couple of years, his dad outfits it with the newest and greatest gadgets.
I don’t expect to see Sophia Thompson sprawled out on the windowsill, reading a magazine. “Hi, Parker,” she says lazily, not even bothering to look up. She and Topher are a grade older than Maddy and me. If you’ve ever seen Mean Girls, Sophia is the Regina George of our school. She gets away with being bitchy because of her looks and social status. I’ve never thought it was a good look, but Topher and Maddy see something in her, so I tolerate it.
“Where’s Maddy?” Sophia asks, still not even attempting to tear herself away from the newest issue of Cosmopolitan.
“She’s volunteering at Giving Hands.” Maddy has been doing community service such as working in soup kitchens and helping at local animal shelters recently. Something really speaks to her when she gives back, and secretly, I think it’s a way for her to get out of the house and away from the tension at home.
“Isn’t she such a Girl Scout?” she drones. Sometimes even her beauty can’t mask the ugliness inside.
“So, what’s the plan?” I sip my beer, eyeing Topher expectantly. He invited me over with the notion that he had something in store for me.
“Okay, you can say no, but what if we pulled a few pranks tonight?” His blue eyes glow as he talks about his mysterious plan.
“What kind of mischief are we talking here?” Someone needs to be the voice of reason.
“Nothing too crazy. TP a few houses, put shaving cream under a few door handles—harmless, right?”
Suddenly Sophia’s attention is on us. “I want in.”
“Seriously?” It’s hard to filter my responses; the girl has no tact.
“Yeah.” She sits up straighter. “Oh my God, this is going to be so amazing. Where do we start?”
We?
5
They say grief gets easier with time. They say the pain lessens until one day you don’t even notice you are whole again. They were wrong.
That day has been playing on repeat in my head. April 23rd, 2013. The day news that I was an only child came. The day I lost one of my best friends.
I swear I’ve developed a case of unpredictability. It’s like nothing satisfies me anymore. One day I spend wrapped up in Parker, envisioning the rest of our lives together, and the next I can’t stand being anywhere near him. It’s not only unfair to him, it’s unfair to me.
Something is different. As much as I wanted to believe it’s Parker, I know deep down something changed inside me. I’m the cause of all our current problems. I’m pushing him away without much of a reason. But then again, I’m not really worried about reasoning.
My junior year ends in less than a week, and there will be a lot of free time with my thoughts. Getting a part-time job becomes more appealing by the day. Especially if…
It’s too hard to say. The reality of it could kill me.
I’m skipping my math class again, which has unfortunately become my routine the past few weeks. I’m sprawled out underneath the weeping willow behind our school’s baseball court. It’s a notorious location for all things illegal, but lately has become my hangout, a place to clear my mind for a bit.
My eyes are closed, and a warm breeze tickles my cheeks and nose.
“Hey,” says a deep, unfamiliar voic
e.
My eyes flutter open to see the same guy from the bathroom and the barn party. “Oh, hey.”
“You don’t remember me, do you?” He laughs awkwardly then sits beside me on the grass.
“Oh no, I remember you. I may not remember your name though.” My face scrunches up apologetically.
He chuckles. “You were pretty sloshed…” He extends his hand for me to shake. “Darren.”
“Madalynne. You can call me Maddy.”
He nods and then reaches his hand into a pocket on the front of his shirt, pulling out the familiar package of cigarettes. Turkish Silvers. He lights one up for himself, taking a puff off it. I find myself fixated on his lips as he inhales and then exhales the smoke.
“Want one?” He offers up the package.
No. Yes. Not really. Maybe.
“Just take one.” He shakes the package in my face, tempting me even more.
I reach for one, taking it out. After putting the cigarette in my mouth, I look expectantly at Darren.
He hands me the lighter but chuckles.
“What?” I ask, frustrated.
“I’ll give you the lighter when you have the correct side in your mouth.”
My jaw drops open, my eyes growing wide with the accusation, only making him laugh harder. I quickly grab the stick out of my mouth, spitting out tiny bits of tobacco that fell on my tongue upon the removal.
After lighting it and inhaling, my first thought is that it isn’t as grand as it looks. The taste actually makes me feel kind of sick, but I continue going through the motions, not wanting to waste it.
He shows up out of nowhere. I’m not even sure how he knew I was here. I was under the impression this spot was my little secret. “Parker?” It’s the first time I’ve seen him since I puked on him a week ago.
“What are you doing, Maddy?” he asks, disappointed. It hurts to hear.
“I’m doing whatever I want.”
“Is this really what you want? Really? I know you better than that. Why are you doing this? This isn’t you.” He points at the burning cigarette between my fingers.
“You don’t know who I am.”
Parker’s face remains still. “What do you mean? Of course I do.”
“Really?” I stand up from the grass and drop my cigarette, stomping it out. “Did you know I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you? I worshipped the ground you walked on. I would have done anything for you. You were blind. You didn’t even consider being with me until the threat of someone else came into play.”
Parker’s shoulders stiffen. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“His name was Porter—ring a bell?”
He’s looking angrier by the second. “What are you getting at?”
“Look, guys, this is worse than a soap opera…I’m out of here,” Darren states before making himself scarce.
After he makes a quick exit, our conversation resumes. “You wanted nothing to do with me until you heard a rumor I was going on a group date with none other than Porter Thomas.”
“That’s not true,” Parker replies through gritted teeth.
“Well then it was one hell of a coincidence,” I shoot back. “The first guy I genuinely liked after you—and you couldn’t handle it.”
“God, what has gotten into you?” Parker shakes his head in a disappointed fashion. “You’ve changed.”
“Of course I’ve changed!” I find myself screaming at him. “My brother died, for God’s sake! I think that warrants change.”
“Not in a good way,” he whispers.
“Fuck you,” I hiss.
“Excuse me?” He looks shocked by my candor.
“If I’m such a bad person now, why even bother with me?” He should be understanding.
“I love you, Maddy, I do. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world—but I don’t know how much longer I can sit by and watch you live your life without me.” He pauses, breathing deeply. “You have to make a choice—give us another chance or cut me loose. I’m giving you until Friday.”
“That’s the last day of school,” I mutter.
“Yep.” He shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “It’s better that way. If you decide to let me go, it will be a cleaner break.”
What he’s doing isn’t right. An ultimatum? I can’t believe he’s being so nonchalant about everything, like our history means nothing to him. The anger rises up inside me, swirling around in my gut.
“The ball is in your court.” Parker fills the unbearable silence then darts off back toward the school.
When Kendall asked me to go on a group date with her and two other guys, my stomach began churning. Never in my life had the possibility of dating anyone other than Parker crossed my mind…but he’s been pushing me away for too long now. I know it’s heartless of me to not understand that he is going through some deep stuff, but that doesn’t mean he has to take it out on me or that he cares any less about me.
It’s been like pulling teeth to get him to spend any time with me recently, so agreeing to Kendall’s proposition came naturally. It’s not like Parker and I are even dating. We’re just friends, and we’ll always be friends. I just need to accept it.
We end up at Wallrey’s, a popular pizzeria in our hometown. It’s Kendall and Dylan and me and Porter. Porter is my age and goes to a neighboring high school. He’s got shaggy black hair and full brown eyes. He’s bulkier than I’m attracted to, but he’s nice. He keeps cracking jokes just to get me to smile, which I appreciate. We are just getting past the first-date jitters when I see Parker out of the corner of my eye. My heartrate spikes, unsure what he’s doing here.
He politely asks to steal me for a moment, but his grip on my arm is anything but polite. It’s possessive.
“Parker, what are you doing here?” I ask, once we’re out of earshot of the group.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Okay, but now really isn’t the best time,” I point out, peering around him to look back at the group. They are all thankfully distracted.
“I know, but it can’t wait any longer.” His eyes plead with me to hear him out.
I sigh lightly, giving in.
“First of all, I want to apologize for being an asshole lately,” he begins. “Losing Bo was…” He trails off, getting choked up. “It was hard on me, you know that.”
It’s hard to not be affected by his emotions. Seeing him upset is devastating.
“I’m going to be okay…and I really only have one person to thank for that, and that’s you. It was your text messages and your voicemails, even the surprise letters in my mailbox.” He pauses, taking both of my hands in his. “I’ve been careless, thoughtless, and downright stupid this past summer. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand and realize this.”
My eyes don’t leave his face for an instant. “Parker, I’m not sure I’m following…”
“You never gave up on me. You believed in me when I left you no reason in the world to continue doing so. You’re such a good person. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize.”
It’s still not registering. What is he getting at?
“Don’t you get it, dummy? I’m trying to tell you I want to be with you. Don’t go on this group date.”
“How did you know?” Other than the three people expectantly waiting on me.
“It doesn’t matter. Be my girlfriend. I want to be with you, and I know you want to be with me too.”
“Parker, I have to go.” It’s unfair that he’s taken my attention away from my date for so long.
“No.” He grabs my arm, pulling me into a kiss. It’s my first kiss, and it’s being stolen. The minute his lips close on mine, my body melts. Electricity races throughout my entire body, my heart racing faster with each parting of our lips. I don’t care who’s watching; I know one thing for certain: Parker Grant has my heart.
6
Friday wasted no time showing up. No matter how many times I tried
to freeze time with my mind, in the end, I lost. The problem is I’m still unsure what I want. I want Parker—that much is a no-brainer. But I also need space, space he isn’t willing to give me. I’m angry at him for giving me such a life-changing ultimatum.
My last class bell rings and my legs feel like dead weights, like I’m walking in quicksand.
After quite the struggle, I realize just where my body is taking me—to Parker. I fight against the current to get to him…but it only makes me realize even more that I don’t know how to live without him, how to survive.
I startle him unintentionally. He is reaching into his locker when I walk up behind him. He spins around suddenly, almost knocking me over. He catches me in his arms, and it’s like the end of a good romance movie.
“Maddy?” He looks surprised.
“Were you expecting someone else?”
“No…so this means you made your decision?” he asks, his eyes full of sadness.
“Can you help me stand?” I’m a little frazzled. Instantly I’m upright. “Thanks.” I smile. “It’s you and me, babe. It’s always been you and me.”
My words bring an instant smile to Parker’s lips, one that will remain on his lips for the rest of the night. I wish I felt the same kind of enthusiasm, but nothing is exciting anymore.
He laces his fingers through mine, and we walk out of the school our signature way, the way all our classmates have come to expect, come to envy. People are staring. They always do when it comes to Parker. I’m sure half the females in my grade are pissed I decided to stay with him—they’ve been chomping at the bit to get a chance with my boyfriend.
Who wouldn’t want to be with him? He is insanely gorgeous, sweet, caring, and affectionate—traits that are basically non-existent in other guys his age. They care about only a handful of things: drinking, hooking up, parties, and drugs. Parker is the complete opposite. I’ve never seen him go near a drug in his life, and he doesn’t care what others think—always going against the grind. He wants sex to mean something being that we are both virgins. I love that he never pressures me and respects my boundaries.