by Kira Adams
We start out with leg and arm stretches and then go into partner stretches. This is the part of the workout I secretly look forward to every single day but also the same part that fills me with dread. It’s intimate the way Lee touches me to stretch out my back and leg muscles. If I were his girlfriend, I wouldn’t be okay with him touching his female clients like this. You’re not his girlfriend. Don’t get ahead of yourself.
“Are you okay? You’re acting kind of strange,” he points out, taking a step back. His eyes roam my body up and down, up and down, until they land on my face.
Nodding, I plaster a fake smile on my face. “Yeah, everything is fine. I’m just ready to get going with the workout. The faster we start, the faster it will be over!”
He takes my words at face value and doesn’t waste any more time.
25
I’ve only been in Kauai for a short few weeks, but Lee and I are growing closer than ever. We have spent practically every day together, exploring the island. He has been the best distraction from being away from Parker and is so much fun to be around. He always has something planned, keeping my thoughts at bay.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, flipping onto his stomach. We are laying out at the beach on one of his large blankets.
The sun feels nice as it kisses my light skin. After a few hours in the sun like this, Lee will be darker than dark, and I will be burnt to a crisp. No matter how much sunscreen I lather on, my skin has not adjusted to the hot temperatures.
“Nothing,” I lie. Parker is on my mind. He’s been writing me a lot lately, and I can’t find it in me to respond. The guilt eats away at me daily—for hanging out with Lee, for not writing him back. Before too long I’m going to have to make some tough decisions, but thinking about them is overwhelming. The truth is I miss my best friend. He is literally the person I tell everything to, and we haven’t been in a place like that in a long time.
Lee’s eyes burn me as they rake over my face. “You’re really quiet today. Anything on your mind you need to get off your chest?”
Anxiety slowly builds inside of me. “Sorry. Just been trying to think about what to do.”
“What do you mean? You aren’t liking it here in Hawaii with me?” Lee asks in a joking manner.
“Of course I’m enjoying that. Just trying to decide what to do with my life. It’s kind of a big decision.”
He smirks, his handsome dimples on display. “I don’t want you to go. You’re like my personal sidekick. Sometimes I forget what life was like before you.” Sidekick. It stings a little.
I push him playfully, sitting up. “Hey, do you want to go out tonight?”
His eyes widen. “So unlike you, Madalynne Johnson. Where do you want to go?” He’s right; since being here, I’ve gone out drinking a total of three times. Drinking and me don’t really mix, and it usually ends up getting me in trouble.
“I don’t know…what about Duffy’s? Isn’t it trivia night?”
Lee smiles back me. “You are really surprising me tonight. We can go to Duffy’s, but remember you’ve been warned.” He is so competitive he likes to preface most everything with a warning. “Are you going to be my wingwoman?”
The idea makes me want to vomit. Suddenly going to Duffy’s has lost its appeal. “You know what, you’re right—I don’t really feel like being around people tonight. What about renting a movie and watching it back at your place?”
His eyebrows rise skeptically. “You’re being strange. Seriously, what is wrong?”
Unsure of how to respond, I jump to my feet, flustered. “You know, it’s getting late. I forgot my aunt and uncle asked me to be home early tonight.”
“Are you serious? Since when?”
Grabbing my small clutch and phone, I slip my sandals back on. “Yeah, sorry. I just remembered. See you tomorrow?”
Lee looks annoyed but also surprised. “Yeah, I guess. See ya.”
It’s hard enough to be around him all the time and not touch him. To ask me to be a wingwoman while he puts his hands all over other women? Yeah, not something I’m about to sign up for. He’s already invading my dreams, making me all hot and bothered. I feel like shit every single time it happens, and it’s not even real. To make matters worse, he keeps his emotions and feelings on the DL. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought of me more like a sister.
Lee was never supposed to influence my decision on whether to stay or go, but the more time I spend with him, the more my mind and heart long to know more. If that line gets crossed, there is a good possibility I will lose my friend. He’s such a big part of my life right now, and I don’t know if I could handle that.
It’s been a couple of days since Lee asked me to be his wingwoman, and luckily, he has not brought it up since. I’m passing the time at his house when an opportunity arises to tease him.
“You’ll never get it!” I squeal, laughing and running around the coffee table waving Lee’s prized possession: his Pokémon boxers.
“Hey! Give them back!” He chases me, finally catching me.
I hug the boxers tightly, determined never to give them up. “Never!”
Lee tickles me, which only makes it worse. “Ahhh!” I shriek.
He is much stronger than me, therefore he can easily throw me around without even blinking. Before I know it, he pins me to the bed.
I giggle as he tickles my stomach. “Stop! Please!”
“Not until I get my boxers back!” He laughs.
“Fine! Here! I surrender!” The boxers drop to the ground as my arms lift above my head.
It’s hard to say what happens next. Maybe he ebbs, maybe I flow, but suddenly our faces are inches apart. My breath catches in my throat.
Throwing all logical reasoning out the window, I wrap my arms around his neck and lean in. Our lips touch and a volt of electricity travels the length of my entire body. Lee is a good kisser, soft and sensual, but he pushes me away.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, puzzled.
“I’m not the relationship type. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not looking for anything more than fun.”
“Fun?” I scoff. “Is that what they call sex these days?”
“Don’t be like that,” Lee responds softly. “We have a great thing going here. I don’t want to ruin it.”
“Well, obviously you don’t know how vital this is for me then, because I have someone back home, and I was willing to risk it all for you,” I spit, unable to contain myself.
“Then you of all people should understand why we can’t cross that line. Nothing good would come of it,” Lee replies, staring into my eyes.
“Whatever. I need to get going anyway. I’ll let myself out.” It’s hard to keep looking at him.
“Maddy!” he calls after me. I know he never meant to hurt me, but I don’t know what else to do. So, I leave his house and walk to my aunt and uncle’s. It isn’t a long walk, and because Kauai is so warm and pretty, I enjoyed the brisk walk home.
When I arrive home, a surprise letter from Georgia has my heart racing. The guilt washes over me, but I still hurriedly rip it open, not knowing if I can handle the contents inside.
Dear Maddy,
I miss you so damn much. It’s been a week since I got here, and I can’t stop thinking about you. Wondering how you are, wondering who you’re with, wondering if you’re happy. I know we are meant to be together and I just hope and pray every night that you do too. Things are okay here. The guys are pigs and I hate the drills they put us through, but I am finding I am actually good at something, and that gives me something to look forward to. I hope this letter reaches you, and that you feel the same way. If you do, please write back and let me know. It’s lonely here, and it would be nice if I knew you were thinking about me. I am counting down the days until I get to see you again. 62 days—it seems like a lot, but it gets closer each day. Please tell me you will be there, waiting for me, when I get off the plane. I love you so much. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
/> Love, Parker
Shitty doesn’t even begin to describe the type of person I feel like right now. I’ve been spending all my time with Lee, not thinking one bit about Parker. I love Parker; I don’t know that I could ever not love him. He is my other half. But these new feelings for Lee are foreign to me. Parker is all I know. Is it possible that Parker and I are not soul mates? That he was my first love and therefore important to my life journey, but not the man I will end my journey with?
Suddenly, anxiety builds inside of me. This much I know: I want to be with Parker, I want to marry him…but I’ve also developed feelings for Lee. It’s so new and so fresh; I don’t want to ruin anything. I’m feeling very conflicted.
To make matters worse, Lee is ridiculously hard to read. We have talked a few times about him not being ready for a relationship, but there is no way these feelings are completely one-sided. The chemistry in our kiss said enough. He isn’t just simply biding his time with me for fun…
Is it possible to love two people at once? I’m not sure, but I don’t want to find out what life is like without Lee for these next two months, and I do not want to give Parker up so easily. I can’t imagine my life without either of them.
I am a horrible person. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I grab a piece of paper and a pen to write my response back to Parker.
26
The rain pelts the ground loudly, steam rising up from the concrete. The droplets feel like a warm shower, and it’s dreadfully humid for July. I’ve been in basic training for over a month. The first two weeks were absolute hell on me. Despite all the things I envisioned it would be like, I was sorely mistaken.
The first week I was dropped and asked to give twenty and screamed at every time I made the mistake of calling my drill sergeants “Sir”. I didn’t pass my initial PT test and was sent to “Fat Camp”. And then there’s the saying, “Hurry up and wait,” and boy did they adhere to that. We did more sitting on our asses than anything else.
The good news is that I managed to make a couple of decent friends who make the time more bearable. There is Forrest Cunningham, a tall, dark-haired guy with more tattoos than I have ever seen in my life. He’s from Albany, New York, and does speak a tad quicker than most. In high school he played bass guitar in a punk rock band. His lifestyle is so completely opposite of mine it intrigues me. We became fast friends.
Then there is Oakley Simpson, a hazel-eyed African-American. He is seven years my senior and wise beyond his years. Very soft-spoken, but he always gets his point across. He might not look at me as a friend, but he is the closest thing to it I have, besides Forrest.
In my downtime, I write letters, lots of letters, to Madalynne, to Jacqueline, to my parents. It’s been a few weeks since I sent my initial letter to Maddy in Hawaii, and I still haven’t heard anything. It’s driving me nuts not knowing what she is doing there, if she still loves me…some days I beg for the ass-beatings from my drill sergeants. It takes my mind off her, if just for a moment.
I sit on my bed, opening the one letter I’ve received since I arrived at basic. It is from Jacqueline. I hurriedly rip it open, excited to finally hear from someone, anyone I care about.
Dear Parker,
I was pleasantly surprised to receive your letter in the mail the other day! I’ve been meaning to write you back, life just got in the way, know what I mean? And then, I checked the mail again and there was another letter from you! I feel terrible that I put it off that long! I’ve been missing chatting with you at night and you helping me keep my mind off of my insomnia! I’m sorry to hear about your tough initial weeks at basic, but am glad to hear it sounds like you are doing better. You didn’t mention much about the other guys in your unit—what are they like? Tell me all about them! Well, just in case you were wondering, everything is beautiful here in Montana, just been working at the stables as usual. Well it’s a beautiful day and I intend to enjoy it outside, hope I hear back from you soon.
Yours truly, Jacqueline
I smile lightly as I fold the letter back up and slip it into the white envelope.
“What’s got you so happy?” Forrest asks as he walks in the room.
“Oh, nothing.” I play it off. “You got a cig?”
Forrest does a double take. “We’ve been here for almost five weeks and I’ve never seen you smoke a cigarette.”
“Yeah, well, I just want one. You coming?” I holler over my shoulder as I head outside.
Forrest and I make our way out of the building to the permitted smoking area.
Unfortunately, because it’s been raining, the area is empty. I’m not afraid of a little rain, and by the looks of Forrest, I assume he isn’t either. He lights up a Turkish Silver and hands it to me. “Here ya go, man.” He proceeds to light his own.
This isn’t my first time smoking a cigarette; throughout my high school years, I tried a few at parties and the like. Luckily for me, it isn’t appealing in the long-term sense, only in the stressed or drunken sense.
I feel conflicted about my letter. I’ve written countless letters, and the one person I want to hear from, the one person I love more than anything in this world, has sent nothing in response. Yet here I stand with a letter from another female whom I care very deeply for and whom I also consider one of my best friends. She’s someone I’ve never even met in person, and yet she takes the time to write me back. My imagination runs wild.
“Tough day?” Forrest breaks me out of my thoughts.
“Try tough life.” I chuckle lightly before taking another drag off of my camel.
“I know how that goes.” He raises his eyebrows in an animated fashion. “Let me guess—girl trouble?”
“Am I that transparent?”
“No.” He laughs lightheartedly. “Have you bothered to talk to anyone else here other than me or Oakley?”
“Not really, why?” I ask quizzically.
“Well if you took the time to actually get to know them, you would find out most of them, if not all of them, are like you. They are all having girl trouble. That’s what being apart does to a relationship—it creates doubt, worry, and confusion. You could learn a lot from these guys, Parker. You don’t have much time left here at basic, but then there will be AIT and possibly a deployment. These are the guys you are going to be spending every waking moment with. It might be beneficial for you to try to get to know them. And besides, I know they will have some great advice for you on your girl trouble.”
I never thought about it like that. Forrest is right about two things. Firstly, being apart does create worry and doubt, and that’s probably all it was between Madalynne and me. I’m probably overreacting, and she is just taking time to herself in Hawaii then when I get done with basic, everything will go back to normal.
Secondly, I have been so consumed in Madalynne, and recently even a little bit in Jacqueline, that I haven’t spent any of my downtime getting to know my peers. I know of them, but I don’t know names, and only some faces.
“These guys are going to end up being my family,” I exclaim with understanding.
Forrest nods. “And it’s a family that will have your back for life.”
I put my cigarette out on the bottom of my boot and then stuff it in the pocket of my cargo pants, making a mental note to throw it in the trash when we go inside. “Well, I’ve got to admit that does sound pretty fantastic.”
Forrest throws his arm around my neck playfully. “I always wanted a younger brother!” he declares as we walk back inside to our rooms.
It doesn’t take Madalynne long to calm my nerves. A few days after I receive my first letter from Jacqueline, I receive the first of many to come from Madalynne. Her first letter seems hesitant, different. I know her like the back of my hand. Even in writing, I can tell what kind of mood she is in, what kind of clues she might leave in the letter.
As the letters continue to arrive, though, I begin to believe in us again. I begin to see the love she has for me surface again. It’s prominent a
nd apparent in all her letters from then on. However, the one question she’s been avoiding answering in her letters is if she will be back from Hawaii when I get back from basic. She has been beating around the bush.
Going to visit her in Hawaii is no problem for me, but I want to know with full certainty that she will be coming back to Oregon with me. It’s a certainty I will never be able to obtain. It becomes apparent after a couple of weeks that Madalynne has ceased writing me. I don’t know what changed, and it worries me beyond belief.
The thought that Madalynne may be spending her time with someone else consumes me. It makes me sick to my stomach. Jacqueline keeps me grounded in those final weeks of training, and I find myself longing to be around her in the physical sense. So, with no word from Madalynne and no looking back, I book a plane ticket to Montana…
27
It’s been a week since my kiss mishap with Lee. I’ve called him every day, sometimes multiple times, but he is clearly avoiding me. He doesn’t return any of my phone calls, and after a couple of days of this treatment, I visit all our normal hangouts, but Lee has vanished.
I’m too nervous to go to his house due to the possibility of him turning me away, but I can’t stand it any longer. Being in this city without having anyone to talk to, to rely on, is killing me. I still haven’t heard back from Parker since my reply, so the loneliness is not kind.
I miss Lee’s laugh, his smile, his smell. I’ve been sleeping in one of his oversized shirts, one he loaned me after a day at the beach a couple of weeks back. I’ve been lying to myself, trying not to admit it, but there is no avoiding it any longer: I, Madalynne, half of Madalynne & Parker, am falling head over heels in love with Lee—and I am still as in love with Parker Grant as ever. The answer is staring me in the face: I am in love with two men…not a predicament I would ever wish upon anyone.