by Lily Holland
To Have and to Hold
A Regency Friends to Lovers Romance
Lily Holland
To Have and to Hold Copyright © 2019 by Lily Holland. All Rights Reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
Cover designed by Lily Holland
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Lily Holland
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Contents
Title Page
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Epilogue
About the Author
Chapter 1
John
I put my jacket on and study myself in the mirror. I look tired, I think, I’m not sure. I shrug and turn to the door.
“I will be back at six,” I say in an even voice.
Mrs. Leigh nods in agreement, her duster in the hand.
“Yes, my Lord. Will you have your supper right away?”
I shake my head as I pass my finger on my cufflink. The silver is looking dull, I’ll have to let Mrs. Leigh know tomorrow.
“No, it will be too early. I shall sup at eight, luncheon at Lord Thorner always drags on.”
My servant nods before disappearing behind the wall to continue her daily chores.
I sit on the coach and sigh as I look through the window. I’ve never liked London much. It’s fun and very lively, I’ll grant it that, but it smells and it’s noisy.
A new sigh escapes my lips as I realize I want to go home more than I expected. I want to go back to my green land, my luxurious stony mansion and my daily life in the countryside. Yes, I miss it all. And yet, I remember being more than happy when I left it to come here, of course I had a good reason at the time.
A perfectly good reason. The only reason that might drive a man like me to be willing to spend months in London even though he hates it.
When the carriage arrives at Lord Thorner’s mansion, one of his manservant escorts me to the drawing room. He’s always been one to buy expensive furniture, Lord Thorner. I lose myself in the contemplation of an old-fashioned yet expensive settee before my host can greet me himself.
“Ah, my dear Lord Feaston! How happy I am to see you.”
I shake the hand he stretches toward me and allow myself to smile. I am among friends right now, I should be remembering this but somehow I have a hard time. Many things have happened recently and it made me brooding, darker than I usually am. I keep on attending those social events, though. My friends invite me, I appear, nod and talk to a few of them and they look satisfied. None of them seems to care that I am heartbroken, none of them realizes how senseless I believe all of these social calls to be.
I talk with some of the people already present today and it is soon time for luncheon. We feast on nice veal and vegetables but I don’t really care what I eat. It helps to sustain me, not much more. Am I brooding again? I sigh as I drink the port offered by my host and the ladies move to the drawing room.
“Yes, that’s exactly what I told him! I’ve said ‘my dear sir, if you wish to lose the money you invest, that’s the perfect venture for you!’”
The five men laugh noisily and I force a smirk on my lips. I’m able to spend the hour with the gentlemen mostly silent before we join the ladies in the next room.
I sit near the window and gaze outside. It’s not raining but it very much looks like it might soon. It is early in the year, there was some snow not two weeks ago but it’s already not as freezing as it used to be.
The gents decide to play some dice while the women observe and I politely refuse to join in.
“Are you refusing because you hate gambling or because you are afraid of losing?” teases Lord Thorner.
“I would have to say both,” I say slowly. “I don’t like gambling mostly because I always lose.”
My friend burst out laughing before joining the table. It takes a few minutes before I notice the woman sitting across me and I find myself in no other position but to talk to her.
“Are you enjoying your stay in London this season, Mrs. Aston?”
The forty-something woman nods and a smile appears on her lips.
“Indeed it has been very pleasant until now. The weather isn’t my favorite but it’s not worse than it is in Plymouth.”
“You are from Cornwall?”
She nods gravely.
“Indeed I am, we have a very lovely house there but we are not fortunate enough to enjoy it as much as we would like.”
I nod and reroute my gaze outside. Mrs. Aston is a widow left with a twenty-two-year-old daughter. At her husband’s death, her money coming from her own father as well as her husband’s goods were inherited by his cousin, a Count of Bosworth that was kind enough to let them keep a mansion in London and an old, ill-kept house in Plymouth.
That is one of the curses of high society, the title doesn’t make the money. Mrs. Aston is still a Countess by her late husband but she has no money to show it. A pity that should have me feeling lucky to have both, but it does not.
“So are you engaged, Lord Feaston?”
I blink and study the woman with an eyebrow cocked.
“Please?”
“Oh it’s something I have heard,” she says with a smile I judge as fake. “I think someone told me you were to be engaged. Why didn’t you bring your future bride today?”
She observes me thoroughly and I read in her eyes she is genuine. Funny, I would have sworn she was only speaking to tease.
“I am not engaged, Mrs. Aston. Not at all.”
I try to smile but it doesn’t reach my eyes. A pain I have been feeling crushing my heart for months is now back in full force.
“Oh, then the single ladies are very lucky!” she exclaims with a little laugh.
I rub my hands together.
“If you say so my lady.”
She nods, smiling broadly before her eyes get more serious and she clears her throat.
“Indeed,” she starts, “indeed I think so! And I don’t know one mother who wouldn’t be lucky to have you as their son-in-law.”
My brow furrows before I get where she is going with this. In a reflex, I review the room to look at Mrs. Aston’s daughter, a young girl called Charity and presently reading a book near the gambling table.
“Are you implying something in particular?” I wonder, still detailing the blond, elegant figure of her daughter.
“Implying? Me? Good Lord, no, I would never imply anything! It only seems to me that a good man like you, of your breeding and situation in life might be in want of marrying a young, charming girl soon enough. Having a mistress for your estate and an heir to bear your name must be one of your main concern now more than ever.”
One of my eyebrows cocks up.
“And why so?”
Mrs. Aston displays a falsely surprised look and shakes her head.
“Well of course because of the war with France! It demands for more stability at home, don’t you think?”
I nod in agreement before looking back outside.
“I suppose you are ri
ght.”
◆◆◆
When time for tea comes I decide to make an effort and go talk to Miss Charity Aston. She rests her cup of tea on the table as she observes me sitting near her, the book she has been reading lying flat on her lap.
“Are you enjoying yourself, my Lord?”
She smiles and I smile back.
“As much as one can in this sort of event. Are you?”
She blinks, surprised that I might reciprocate the question, but she soon gathers her composure. She nods.
“I find it very pleasant. People say it doesn’t require a good occupation to have a good time if you are in good company.”
She’s nice and she has a pretty smile. Is she pretty? Yes, I suppose, I’m not a good judge these days, my mind is way too occupied by another face, another figure, another woman that turned her back on me.
“Is it really what people say? I don’t think I’ve ever heard this saying before.”
A faint blush rises to her cheeks and she looks away.
“Well, then let’s say it’s what I say.”
She grins and I feel compelled to smile back.
“Are you enjoying your time in London this season?”
I review her as she speaks and I don’t know what to think. She’s about three years younger than me but she has this freshness that can’t be mistaken and that shows how young and joyful she can be. Her blue eyes, her fair hair, no wonder she attracts all the men’s gaze when she enters a room. Of course, most of them never dare to court her as they aren’t interested in marrying a title without the money. It is a sad time for poor widows and their unmarried daughters, we live in an era where even the blood and title are disregarded.
I don’t pay much heed to what she says, I notice she is charming, but I don’t inquire into her wits, her various talents, her tastes. Somehow it feels like a trifle to me right now. I don’t care and I don’t want to care. The only woman I was interested in is gone and took my heart with her, now I’m pretty certain the woman I am going to marry will never have the beauty and charm of Miss Selina Heathfield.
I look back at Miss Aston as she details me with a cocked eyebrow.
“Please?” I say, aware that I wasn’t listening.
“Do you miss the countryside?” she repeats and I want to confide in her, tell her if I were wise I would already be back home but that my legendary stubbornness is forbidding me.
I shrug and smile to disguise my discomfort.
“I do but London has much to offer.”
I focus on her face and she seems to understand an underlying meaning.
“I think I agree with you, Lord Feaston. London is a very lively city, yet I miss the windy days in Plymouth.”
I observe her and she simply smiles. As there is no tea left in any cup, the day is called to an end and we all head out. In the carriage, I try to connect the dots. I know what Mrs. Aston words meant. She induced for me to marry her daughter would bring me no money but a titled bride and a connection to one of the oldest families of the country. Maybe Miss Aston could actually be a good choice for a bride. I don’t need the money but I could always make do of an Aston’s connection in my life. Yet, could I marry a woman that I don’t love? I have been in love before and I am nowhere near this kind of feeling for Miss Aston. She doesn’t appeal to me the way Selina did, and yet she might not reject me if I were to be considering making a wife out of her.
I do need an heir and I do need a mistress for my estate, dealing with all the servants myself is taking a lot of my energy and I would be happy to share the burden with a lovely wife. Would she say yes though? Maybe. Possibly. I can tell without a doubt that she isn’t taken with me, but I’ve seen her talking with her mother, the older woman has her child under her thumb, she would pressure her into accepting. Would I be satisfied in having a woman by my side that doesn’t love me? I don’t know. Maybe. Anyway, I don’t have the strength of falling in love anymore, Miss Heathfield destroyed my willpower the second she decided to marry Charles Knightley.
Chapter 2
John
“And what is this one about?”
I review the spine of the book Miss Aston is pointing at. I squint my eyes and make sure I can read correctly.
“Wars at Sea, I believe.”
She smiles at me and I take the book off the shelf to give it to her. She takes it and studies it carefully, the smell of mildew giving away how Lord Thorner doesn’t visit his own library often enough.
“Finding anything you like in there?”
She blinks looking up to me and nods.
“Indeed, I love reading about the sea. My father used to say the most impressive battles were to happen on water and I’ve always been fascinated by ships.”
She smiles and I smile back.
For the last three months, ever since her mother implied I might be considering Charity as a potential bride, I have spent some time with Miss Aston. We have met on many occasions and mostly on social events such as this luncheon invite at Lord Thorner’s mansion.
We have always had a chaperon but we have talked a great deal. She is an intelligent girl, I think, one can’t ever really be sure. She seems kind and of the quiet sort. Well-educated, she would make a reasonable bride for a man such as me.
I have been wondering what is to be done now and the obvious is pretty clear to me. I don’t love her, and I don’t think she loves me either, or at least she doesn’t show it to me. She is friendly but I know the greater part of the attention she is giving me is due to her mother’s influence. I’d bet my arm the older Mrs. Aston is pressuring her to encourage me in courting her. Of course she’d like to see her penniless daughter well settled with a rich Lord. What kind of mother wouldn’t?
“Have you ever been at sea, Lord Feaston?”
I focus on Charity’s face and nod quickly.
“Yes, a few years ago.”
“How was it?”
Her blue eyes are gleaming with a new light I have never witnessed in there. It seems to light up her entire face.
I shrug.
“Fine, I suppose. Life at sea isn’t easy, the food is often scarce but you’re making up for it when you reach the shore.”
She nods as I turn silent and she guesses I won’t be adding anything more about it.
“Somehow I find it very attractive and interesting but at the same time I’m not sure I would be strong enough to undertake long journeys overseas.”
She focuses on a page of the book and I shake my head.
“You don’t know that. You might be stronger than you’d expect.”
Her eyes jump to mine and I think I see a shade of pink rising to her cheeks. I clear my throat and look away.
“Many people are.”
I don’t need to look to know her shoulders just slumped. I internally scold myself and I take a deep breath.
“Charity, there’s something I would like to talk to you about.”
She seems surprised by my serious tone and her grip on the book gets firmer.
“Is it?”
I nod. It’s time for me to take a step forward. I have heard in a recent conversation with some lords that Selina and Charles Knightley were now the very image of a well-matched couple. She married him so I suppose I can feel free to marry anyone I deem fit.
“Yes. I have talked to your mother a few months back and she has implied you might be in want of a husband soon in your life. As a matter of fact, I happen to be in want of a wife. Do you follow?”
Her face just turned into stone and she offers me a small, brief smile.
“As a matter of fact, just.”
“I am fond of you, Charity, even though we haven’t known each other for a very long time. I have greatly thought of the matter and I believe it would be of a mutual benefit if we were to be married. Don’t you agree?”
She seems speechless and I don’t know what to think. I could have lied and used grand, romantic phrases but what’s the point? I believe she is
smart enough to understand where her best interests lie.
I keep on studying her face and she slowly comes back to her senses.
“Are you proposing to me, Lord Feaston?”
“Right so.”
“I see.”
“Does it not please you?”
She smiles kindly but it’s closer to a smirk.
“Oh it does, of course it does. I suppose you know I have no money.”
I straighten my back and nod.
“Yes, I know but I don’t see it as an obstacle to our happiness.”
“Our happiness…”
She turns her eyes back onto the book and caresses the illustration of a sailing ship before closing it sharply.
“Do you really believe you could be happy with me as your wife, my Lord?” she wonders and I nod right away.
“I wouldn’t be offering you marriage if I didn’t think so.”
She seems to reflect for a second before handing the book back to me. I put it on a higher shelf and turn to her again.
“Then I believe I should agree to your proposal.”
“You don’t have to give me an answer right away,” I say, and the words passing my mouth remind me of the last time I’ve said them and to whom.
I shudder but it soon disappears and Miss Aston doesn’t notice.
“I don’t think I need more time to decide, Lord Feaston. I would be happy to become your wife. I believe we are friends now and we might be good to each other in married life. A mutual benefit, as you put it.”
I bow and she smiles at me but I don’t feel what I’ve always believed I would feel the moment a woman would agree to become my wife. This is an agreement, a cold and reflected idea that both of us are agreeing upon only because it will make both our lives easier.
I should probably kiss her. I know I would have kissed Selina if she had said yes to me. Do I want to kiss Charity? I focus on her face and detail her rosy lips. They look soft enough to please any man. Why can’t I feel attracted to them? To her? I very much hope I was. I sigh softly before offering her my arm.