by Willow Aster
It’s really close to Paschal’s salon and La Colombe, which is something I’ve tried to not think about since seeing it. But now that I’m in here, all I can think about is how much I want to stop in the coffee shop and tell Coen everything. I decide to call Paschal instead. He’s still feeling bad about texting Coen, so he picks up all cheery on the first ring.
“Hi, sweetheart. What’s up?”
“I’m in my new shop.”
“No way!” he yells. It gets muffled, but I hear him saying, “Maby got her store, guys!”
“You need to help me come up with a name.”
“Done!” he says. “Shall we go celebrate tonight?”
“I wish, but I have an appointment … maybe this weekend. If you don’t STEAL MY PHONE AGAIN!” I yell.
“I deserved that, I did,” he says meekly.
“I know you meant well,” I concede.
I FILL DR. STILL in on everything. She looks mildly alarmed and hugely amused.
“This could either be really therapeutic or a really bad trigger for you,” she says.
I hold up both hands and snort. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you’re taking on a lot of stress,” she smiles her peaceful smile, “but you’re also finally taking control, which is a very, very good thing.”
“Do you think I can pull this off?” I ask, terrified of what she’ll say.
She studies me as the clock ticks loudly beside her. “I do,” she nods, “yes, I do.”
I let out the breath I’ve been holding and look at the ceiling. “Thank you,” I whisper.
When I leave her office, I get a text that surprises me.
Jade: Can we meet and talk?
I text her right back.
Sure.
Jade: Tomorrow morning? You name the place.
I have an inspector coming to the shop in the morning. I give her the address to meet me there, so I don’t have to reschedule with him.
JADE SHOWS UP right after the inspector does and looks around while I’m talking to him. When he gets started with his job, I go stand with her by the front window.
“So this is pretty great,” she says.
“Yeah. It’s a big deal for me. I hope I can pull it off.”
“It’s huge and you can totally pull it off,” she says.
“Is Coen okay?” I cut to the real reason she’s here.
“No, Maby, he’s not, and he won’t be without you.”
She puts her hand on my arm as she says it and I try to subtly move away. Her words feel like an anchor pulling me to the bottom of the ocean.
“He’ll be okay,” I whisper.
“Why do you say that? You don’t have the right to say that!” she cries.
I look at her, panicking. “He’s young. He could have anyone in the entire world. I’m not good for him, Jade. I’m not!”
“How can you even think that? You’re perfect together.” Her eyes fill with tears and she turns away. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so emotional. I just feel really strongly about this. I love my brother, and what I know of you I love too. Already. That’s saying a lot! I haven’t liked anyone he’s dated!”
I look at her then, wanting to remind her of Jess with her arm looped around Jade’s waist, but she’s on a roll, so I just listen.
“And he’s not that young. He’s old enough to know who he wants and he wants you. He doesn’t give up either, so I doubt it’s over. I know it isn’t for him, anyway. I don’t know why you think you’re not good for him, but from what I see when you’re together … it’s magical.” She frowns at my snort. “Don’t—it’s true. My family talked about it the whole week after you left—the two of you have this … light around you…” She clears her throat. “He would kill me if he knew I was here. Please, just … I don’t know what’s going on. He mentioned Jess—she is wrong for him on so many levels…”
She puts her hands on my cheeks and my eyes get huge. No girl has ever done this to me and it’s unsettling, but kind of nice.
“I never thought I would meet someone that I thought was worthy of my brother. I mean, think about it, he really is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet. Not just a good looking guy … so much more. I thought you saw that and appreciated it.” Her hands drop and she takes a deep breath. “I’ve said too much. Please don’t tell him I came, but do think about what I’ve said.”
She hugs me and is gone before I can say a word.
SAUL COMES TO the shop every day for the next week, tearing down a wall and replacing the floor. He goes to buy paint and I strip the wallpaper in the back bathroom. It’s been surprisingly easy to be around him. We’ve settled into our old comfortable camaraderie.
He hasn’t asked about Coen and I haven’t offered any information. He seems to just know that it didn’t work out. I try not to read into that. Things happen. It doesn’t necessarily mean I’m crazy. Even though I am, I still have a hard time knowing that everyone else thinks so.
I work hard and barely sleep. The exhaustion helps me not think about Coen so much. I start my period and weep for half of a day, sad that my condom mishap with Coen didn’t result in a baby. Eventually I push that to the back of my mind for the insanity that it is, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about how that would have tied him to me forever.
I ache … for things I shouldn’t. I’m not ready for a baby and don’t know if I ever will be, but the thought of Coen as a father is enough to make me wish I could be. Really any thought I have of Coen at all is enough to make me wish I could crawl out of my skin and be anyone else. Someone happy and together and sane and … not me.
I have a store name pow-wow with Paschal. It’s the easiest part of this whole adventure. I tell him what I’ve been thinking and he yells his approval for five minutes straight.
“That’s perfect!” He laughs. “Corny, and perfect. People can’t help but love going to a shop called that.”
My Happy Place.
Saul makes progress painting, while I go around the neighborhood shops and introduce myself. I make up my own business cards and fliers, just like I did with Paschal’s salon, only people are even more inclined to chat when they find out it’s my shop.
NEARLY TWO MONTHS later, deliveries come in and it starts feeling real. Saul stops by one day while I’m moving furniture around and helps me get it right. The day the chandeliers arrive, I cry as I’m opening each crate. I wish Janie could see the things I’ve found; she’d love it. In fact, I can hardly look at anything in the shop without thinking of Coen and his family. They made an imprint on me that doesn’t seem to be fading.
The night before I’m supposed to open is a hot July evening. I’m at the store doing my customary checks and re-checks. I’ve begun a bad habit of doing everything 13 times. My thought is that the number 13 is so unlucky that maybe if I intentionally do everything 13 times, it will undo whatever bad luck the number carries with it.
It’s ridiculous, I know, but hopefully this particular phase will pass. That’s what I tell myself these days when I’m driving myself insane. This will pass and then I’ll start another equally annoying habit…
I hear a little tap on the window and I look up to see Saul. He holds up a bottle of champagne and I go unlock the door and let him in.
“Hey!” I give him a hug. “How’d you know I was here?”
“I knew you’d still be here making sure everything is ready. It looks spectacular, Maby. You should go home and get some sleep. The week is gonna be nuts.”
“You really think it looks spectacular?” I look around and agree that it does, but it’s good to hear it from someone else. I trust his opinion, too.
“You know I do.” His voice is husky and sweet.
I smile at him. “You’ve helped make it, Saul. I can’t thank you enough for all the work you’ve put into this place. Really—thank you.”
“I’d do anything for you, Maby.”
He hands me a glass of champagne and I feel a little
awkward under his intense gaze. He hasn’t done much to let me know whether he’s still interested or not over the last couple of months, which I’ve appreciated, but the look in his eyes now is clear.
“Anna keeps trying to dig information out of me about this place,” he says. “I told her yesterday that I’m not talking about it with her.”
“How was her opening week?”
She opened a couple weeks ago and this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to ask Saul about it.
“It was less than stellar,” he admits.
I can’t help it—I grin. It grows until it reaches full cheese ball status.
He pats my cheek. “You’re so cute. Rotten, but cute.”
I take a sip of the champagne. “Mmm, this is good.” I lift my glass and clink his. He moves closer to me and I back up. “I’m just gonna turn the lights off and head out.”
“Walk you home?”
“Sure.”
Saul is quiet the first few minutes on our walk. When he clears his throat, I’m almost certain I know what’s coming. I open my mouth to stop him, but he’s talking before I can.
“Look, Maby, the last couple of months have been great. It’s felt like old times, and yet, I feel like we’ve gotten even closer.”
I put my hand on his arm. “It really has been great. Listen, I’m happy with how things are now. Just like this…”
His mouth opens and closes. He tilts his head. “But, I’m ready to see where things can go with us … we already know we’re good together. I’m ready for us to…”
“Saul, I know we could probably be happy together.” I take a deep breath. “But I know now that what I feel for you … I don’t want to be … more.”
He stops walking. “I don’t believe that. I love how we are together.”
I nod. “I do too.” He starts to say something, so I dive in all the way. “But I’m in love with someone else.”
He leans over and puts his hands on his knees, with his head down.
“Say something, Saul.”
“You’ve relegated me to friend status.” His voice sounds strangled.
“It’s what we’ve always been, right? And I think it’s probably best that it stays like that,” I tell him.
He stands back up and stares at me. “I like you better when you’re mental.”
I whack him on the head.
“Ow!” he yelps.
“You deserved that! Now get me home so I can go to bed.”
“Can we at least go back to being the kind of friends we were before? The kind that makes out and has occasional hot sex?” He trails behind me.
“Quit looking at my ass, Saul. And no. It’s too confusing. We’re finally working again and I don’t want to wreck it.”
He grumbles and starts walking beside me. “Does coffee guy know you’re in love with him?”
“Yeah, pretty sure he does. But it doesn’t matter. I have the shop to focus on. I’m healthier right now, but we both know it won’t last…”
He scowls. “You should at least be with me until he comes back around.”
I snort. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“You’re gonna regret it when I find someone else,” he says as we get to my building.
“The fact that you’re looking ahead to someone else lets me know you’re gonna be just fine.” I smile up at him and kiss his chin. “Night, Saul. I love you. Don’t waste any more time on me, okay?”
“You could never be a waste of time, Maby.” He wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the mouth.
My eyes are blurry when we pull apart. “Night, Saul.”
“Night. I’ll stop by the shop to see how it’s going tomorrow.”
“I’d like that.” I hold my hand up and then walk inside, feeling so grateful that I still have my friend.
I HAVE A new dress for each day of opening week. Doesn’t it just sound delightful to say, I’m going to My Happy Place? I think so. I arrive three hours before opening and pace the floor. When it’s finally time for me to unlock the door and flip around the open sign, I step outside to get fresh air before being inside all day. I nearly trip over something and look down. It’s a square terrarium and sitting next to that is a to-go cup of coffee. I pick it up and look around everywhere to see if he’s around, but he isn’t. There’s a card under the terrarium.
The tears drop on the card and I take it inside, placing the terrarium on the counter by the cash register. People from the surrounding businesses start dropping by to congratulate me, and then before I know it, actual customers are coming through. The terrarium gets a lot of comments as people make their purchases and I tell them about this great shop I know of about an hour outside of the City…
Saul and Paschal stop by at different times and are excited about the steady stream of people that come in while they’re there. I have a permanent smile on my face all day and when I lock and unlock and lock and unlock and lock the door at closing time, I feel almost content. Or at least as content as I’ll probably ever feel.
SOMETIMES WHEN I miss him really bad, I go to the cafe across the street from La Colombe. I usually wear a hat or sunglasses and have a book or newspaper to cover me in a hurry if I need it. I’ve seen him 13 times. Once Jade was with him, but usually he’s rushing into work or leaving for the day. The last time, the 13th time, he was with a girl. I haven’t gone back.
THE WEEKS FLOW from one to the next with little variation. Business is good—nothing fabulous, but somewhat better than I’d hoped. I try to keep a steady routine, so I can keep it together. Still on my medication, still going to therapy, and still alone. I get tempted to call Coen sometimes and have been asked out a couple times—by guys who could never live up to him—but now that I’ve seen how much it hurts to lose someone I love, I’m okay with being on my own. It’s just better this way.
A couple of months after opening, a girl from a reality TV show I’ve never seen comes in the shop. She buys a ton and says she’ll tell everyone she knows about the store. I thank her and throw a few extra business cards in her bags. A few days later, I get a phone call asking if a TV crew can come film her at My Happy Place.
I agree to it and after the show airs, the store blows up. I hire two employees, Melody and Kara, work long hours, and seem to be handling it all fairly well. There are still issues. Sometimes Melody and Kara come in the shop and it’s all completely redecorated, and then two days later, it’s back the way it was before, but they just shake their heads and go about their work.
It’s early October and I walk into the shop later than usual. I didn’t sleep last night and woke up crying about my mom. It’s been a while, but I feel the unsteady winds flapping around my brain and it’s got me shaken up. I walk in the store and there he stands. He’s saying something and Kara is laughing like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
He turns around and my heart stops.
“There she is,” he says.
“Coen … hi!” I walk over to him and don’t know whether to hug him or not.
He takes care of the issue for me and gives me a big hug.
“The place looks great. The terrarium looks right at home,” he whispers into my ear.
I shiver and smile up at him. “Thank you. I love it. I should have texted or called to thank you…”
He shrugs it off.
“It’s good to see you. What’s … going on with you?” I stutter.
He motions outside. “Could we step outside for a minute?”
“Sure.” I look at Kara, who nods encouragingly. We walk outside and lean against the glass in front.
“So, how are you?” he asks.
“I’m good. How about you?”
“This has gone on long enough, Maby.” He stands up straight and moves in front of me.
I stand up straight and shield my eyes from the sun. “What has?”
“This,” he points back and forth between us, “us not talking. Don’t you miss me? Don’t
you at least want to see me? Don’t you miss your coffee?” His voice rises with each word.
I put my hand down and squint at him.
“I miss you,” he continues. “And I’ve been too proud to come crawling back to you after the way things ended with us. But enough is enough, dammit. I can’t keep doing this. I thought I’d give you time and you’d realize you couldn’t live without me, but fuck it to shit, you’re taking forever.” He’s red now. Both hands are on his hips and he’s glaring at me.
My mouth is hanging open and he’s waiting on me to say something. I can’t.
“Maby!” he yells.
I jump.
That seems to soften him and he puts his hands on my shoulders. “Sorry. I shouldn’t … no, I’m not sorry. You need to hear how miserable I’ve been! You can’t just come into my life and twist things all up into a fucking rainbow and then leave me hanging out there, alone. That’s just not right. Not when I know you were happy too.”
My lip trembles and I start blinking really fast, trying not to cry.
“You told me you loved me,” he whispers. He stares at me and when I don’t say anything, his hands drop. He yanks on his hair and turns away from me.
“I can’t believe you’re not saying anything. What was this to you, Maby? A shitty experiment? What do you fucking expect from me?” His voice is hoarse and for a minute, I think he’s going to cry. He doesn’t. He revs up for more. He turns around and I notice his bloodshot eyes. They narrow in on me. “Are you sleeping with Saul? Did you go back to him? That’s it, isn’t it?”
“It’s not like that,” I stutter, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. I’m stunned and afraid and so unbelievably sad.
He puts his head in his hands and then slides his hands back in his hair. “Well, this has not gone as I planned. Silly me, I thought we could have an adult conversation here.”
He looks at me and the resignation in his eyes severs deep into my guts.