The Art of Pretending

by Raquel De Leon

  Ashley frowned. “Me? Annoying?” Nira’s hand was still on her lower back, not that she’d seemed to notice. “I am offended, madam.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Nira’s voice softened on the second ‘yeah.’

  When her hand shifted on Ashley’s back, Ashley held her breath. Nira pushed again, this time more gently, and Ashley found herself stumbling out the door.

  She swallowed and licked her lips. “Feisty little thing, aren’t you?” She winced; her voice sounded weird to her own ears.

  To her relief (and dismay) Nira finally withdrew her hand when they were both outside the apartment.

  “Since you obviously still lack a certain sense of maturity, I won’t touch that statement. You can’t help that you’re so young.” Nira gave her a pitying look and patted her on the shoulder.

  Ashley pinched herself in the side as Nira turned to lock up. She needed to calm down. When Nira turned back around, Ashley made a point to bend at the waist. “I have a grey hair,” she said as she pointed to her left temple.

  Nira’s lips twitched as she maintained eye contact with Ashley. “Oh? One? How nice for you.”

  About to complain that Nira hadn’t even looked, Ashley shrugged. “Anyway, let’s go. I’m already getting hungry.”

  “You sure? I can grab you a snack. Maybe you need a potty break, too?” Nira half-turned back toward her door.

  “Wow. Woooow,” Ashley drawled out. “You know what? Yeah, I want a snack.”

  Nira swiveled away from her apartment. “Too bad. I don’t feel like making anything. Come on, I’m sure you’ll survive until we reach the deli.”

  “Rude.” Ashley’s stomach fluttered when their arms brushed. “I can tell you’re from New York.”

  Nira only tossed back her head and laughed, making the fluttering in Ashley’s stomach intensify.

  ***

  The bookstore was bigger than Nira expected, nearly half the size of the giant Barnes & Noble she normally visited. The shelves were dark wood, both attached to the light sienna walls and standing alone, with eclectic seating options arbitrarily sprinkled throughout. She eyed a cozy-looking armchair at the end of the shelf labeled “Sexuality Spectrum – Nonfiction” with interest.

  She hummed with delight and followed Ashley to the far left, which ended up being where the deli was located. The line was long, but Nira wouldn’t complain. She wasn’t that hungry yet, and she could still see parts of the bookstore from where they were standing. Reminding herself that she was an adult who could contain herself long enough to eat, she frowned up at the menu.

  “The tuna melts here are pretty good,” Ashley said without looking away from the drinks’ submenu. “Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, they have this awesome vegetarian burger made out of beets.”

  “Beets?” Nira winced. “You’re not a vegetarian.” She’d seen Ashley demolish a generous portion of chicken dumplings the night before.

  “No, I’m not a vegetarian, but I can still appreciate tasty things. I take it you’ll be sticking with the tuna melt?”

  Nira hesitated, then crossed her arms. “There’s nothing wrong with being a creature of habit.”

  Ashley tucked her hands into her back pockets but still didn’t look at Nira. “Never said there was. Sweet tea?”

  “Peach tea,” Nira corrected once she saw it was served with real fruit.

  “Good choice.”

  Lunch decisions over with, Nira allowed her attention to drift back toward the bookshelves. Some of the signs were hard to see. “Am I seeing things or,” Nira fidgeted and stared at one of them. “Is that an entire section devoted to People History Likes to Pretend Weren’t Queer?”

  “You’re not seeing things.” Ashley was still examining the large display menu above the counter. She sounded amused, but Nira couldn’t see her face to confirm.

  “You know,” Ashley continued, “you don’t have to wait with me. You’re excited. Go take a tour of the shelves. This will probably take a little while.” She gestured to the five people ahead of them.

  Nira bit her lip, wondering how rude Ashley would think she was if she did just that. “Would that really be okay?”

  Ashley turned to send her a crooked smile. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. Go ahead, you already told me what you want. I understand. I felt the same way the first time I came in here.”

  Gauging Ashley's offer as genuine, Nira returned the smile. “Thanks. I'll try to get back before our food is ready.”

  Nearly bursting with excitement, she wove her way through the deli's tables and back towards the books.

  The next ten minutes went by quickly, and Nira knew she could easily spend the entire day in just one section without getting bored. Furthermore, she could see herself coming back again and again to explore them all.

  She trailed her hand along the edge of a shelf of mystery-thrillers, then forced herself away. It would be fun to go through with Ashley and discover her new friend’s tastes.

  Nira lightly swung her arms as she directed herself back to the deli, a large grin on her face. She stopped just outside the eating area to look for Ashley.

  Her grin widened. Ashley was standing off to the side, chatting with a few people while she waited to pick up their order. Ashley was in jeans and boots again today, a plain grey hoodie thrown on over a white V-neck. A few wisps of hair had already come free of her ponytail.

  Ashley shifted as someone passed to collect their order. Nira’s smile disappeared and her heart started to pound. On the other side of Ashley was a blonde-haired, green-eyed girl Nira had only recently become aware of. What were the odds?

  Acid churned in her stomach when the girl laughed at something Ashley said.

  Nira was frozen in place. She could retreat back into the bookstore, take comfort in their neat, new covers and spines and pretend she’d just lost track of time.

  Someone behind the counter called Ashley’s name, and Ashley nodded to the blonde girl before stepping forward to receive a tray.

  She turned and seemed to choose a table, walking in Nira’s general direction with the tray perfectly balanced in one hand. She spotted Nira a few steps shy of the table. “Hey.” She smiled. “You’re just in time.”

  Nira’s lips moved as she attempted to smile back, but she wasn’t sure she succeeded.

  Ashley immediately frowned and set the tray down. She hurried forward and lightly gripped Nira’s shoulders. “Hey,” she carefully repeated, “what’s wrong?”

  Nira squeezed her eyes shut and focused on her breathing. She was being ridiculous. “That girl you were talking to? Well, she just looked a lot like the girl Regan, you know.”

  Ashley’s brow furrowed and the corners of her lips turned down. “Oh. Sorry.” She looked like she wanted to say more but didn’t. “You want to leave?” she eventually asked.

  The question lingered between them. Nira thought of how much she’d been enjoying herself. She inhaled slowly. “No. I still want to look around.”

  Ashley stared at her for a few heartbeats. “If you’re sure.”

  Nira felt her equilibrium slowly return. Though the local queer community was sizeable, there were only so many queer businesses in town. It would have happened sooner or later. “I am.”

  When Ashley released the light grip on her shoulders, catching a hand with her own felt natural. And reassuring.

  “Good thing you have your emotional support person.” Ashley pursed her lips, failing to hide a smile.

  Nira chuckled under her breath. “Too right. I am a mess.”

  “Ha. You don’t even rate an ‘untidy’ label.” Ashley paused at the square table she’d picked out, allowing Nira to pick a seat first.

  Nira, perhaps feeling masochistic, chose the side that would allow her to see the receiving line for orders. Regan’s girlfriend wasn’t there—if it had even been Regan’s girlfriend.

  Ashley sat to her left and immediately began divvying up the food. Nira smiled her appreciation bu
t hesitated before taking the first bite.

  “What was she like?” she asked before quickly shoving a corner of sandwich in her mouth.

  Ashley meticulously unwrapped her entrée, revealing the veggie burger. She sighed. “Erin?”

  Erin. Nira’s heart sank. It was Regan’s girlfriend.

  “Don’t know,” Ashley admitted with a shrug. “We only chatted for a few moments. She likes piercings and iced coffee?”

  Though part of her had hoped Ashley would lie to her and say that Erin had come off as an awful, terrible person, the truth made her faintly smile. “I’m pretty sure that was Regan’s new girlfriend,” she said once she’d finished chewing and swallowing a bite of food, “I really appreciate your honesty.”

  Ashley stopped eating to lean forward and give her a solemn look. “And I appreciate your appreciation.”

  Nira snorted, her smile coming more easily. “Can you be serious?”

  “Do you want me to be serious? I can, but I thought maybe something lighter was better for now.” Ashley propped an elbow up on the table and leaned her cheek against her fist, leaving her other arm casually draped to the side of her plate.

  “Hm.” Nira eyed the hand on the table, then gently tapped Ashley’s knuckles with her fingertips. “I don’t know, actually.”

  Ashley seemed confused. Abruptly, she flipped her hand to catch Nira’s and weave their fingers together.

  Startled at the sudden intimacy, Nira didn’t have time to react as Ashley muttered, “Erin’s headed this way.”

  “Ashley, hey! I just wanted to say you were so right about—”

  Nira didn’t have to look up to know that she’d been recognized. She dragged her attention from Ashley’s hand, to Erin’s face.

  The bubbly happiness that had been in Erin’s voice was absent from her expression. Her mouth worked as she swallowed, her eyes flickering from Ashley to Nira and back again. “Um.”

  Ashley smiled tightly. “Erin, I think you know Nira.”

  Nira occupied herself with examining the small stud in Erin’s nose, then the several loops at the top of her right ear. Erin was pretty, with curly golden hair that was pulled back, she noted in the same detached way she had the single time they’d met before. Erin was supposedly twenty-three, but she didn’t look a day over twenty. Unlike Ashley’s leaner features, Erin still had hints of baby fat in her cheeks.

  She was glad Ashley had had the forethought to grab her hand.

  Erin pursed her lips. “Nira. Hey.” She fidgeted with the strap of the messenger bag that ran across her chest. “I just wanted to apologize again for the other day. I know seeing me must be… God, I’m so sorry to disturb you.”

  Before either Nira or Ashley could respond, Erin had hurried away. Based on her flushed cheeks and the way she couldn’t seem to look Nira in the eye, the apology seemed sincere.

  Nira stared at the empty space where she’d been. “I think,” she carefully enunciated, “that Erin might not be a completely terrible person. I don’t know how I feel about that.”

  Ashley squeezed her hand. “That’s okay. Just like it’s okay to hate her. We can’t control our feelings and having them is natural.”

  “Lie to me just once and tell me you hate her?” Nira was mostly joking, but she found herself giving Ashley a hopeful look.

  “Sorry,” Ashley said with a half-smile. “No can do. I do hate that she’s partially responsible for hurting you in such an irrevocable way.”

  Pushing her plate away with her free hand, Nira let herself think for a moment. “You know, I’d hate your honesty if I didn’t love it so much.”

  Ashley chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. “Strong emotions. Good. I can’t stand being mediocre.”

  “I would never describe you as mediocre.” Nira searched her face. “In all seriousness, I’ve noticed that you have a thing with honesty. I am not complaining, but why is that?”

  “Hm.” Ashley squeezed Nira’s hand once more before letting it go. She reached for her water (tall, no ice) and took a sip. “The first twenty years of my life, it was just one lie after another. I grew up in a small town with a strong Catholic, Latinx community and coming out wasn’t really an option. My family’s lives all revolved around church, including mine. Until I got sick of lying. I can’t stand it anymore. I just can’t.”

  Both understanding and fascinated, Nira nodded. “I can see that.” She wasn’t sure she should touch on Ashley’s family situation. “How is it that you can be you, and still be so good at handling customers?”

  Ashley laughed, carefully twisting her glass between both hands. “I do get around it a bit by letting people make their own conclusions. I’m not perfect. But, sometimes, finding something to be honestly positive about is good enough to soothe a negative situation. People like that, I’ve found.”

  Nira nodded slowly. “I know I do.” She picked up her tea, which had three plump slices of peach at the bottom. It was good. She’d enjoyed the two bites of her sandwich, too. “Ashley, I think I,” she hesitated, then decided to change course. “I think I wouldn’t mind at all if anyone thought we were dating.”

  She wasn’t even sure what the words meant to herself; Ashley’s expressions changed too quickly for her to decipher.

  “Noted.”

  The low timbre to her voice made Nira take another mouthful of her drink. “Um,” Nira rolled her lips together. “Why don’t we finish eating and get to the books? I’m dying, here. There are so many I think I want.”

  “Good idea.” Ashley promptly shoved a handful of fries in her mouth. She winced and chewed. “Cold,” she explained with a hand over her lips.

  Nira shook her head and picked up her sandwich.

  ***

  A few hours later, when Nira had hit the budget she’d allowed herself for new books, Ashley found herself being talked into helping Nira find room on her bookshelves for them. Not that it took much convincing.

  She stared at the digital numbers above the elevator’s buttons as the doors closed.

  “I feel like my apartment is roughly half books.” Nira was holding the bag of her new books open, a silly grin on her face as she admired their immaculate covers.

  Ashley’s haul had been more modest. She’d limited herself to one new romance and a fantasy adventure, since she didn’t have as much time to read as she’d like. Days off were normally spent catching up on house chores or heading into work anyway.

  The elevator chimed. She waited for Nira to exit, then stepped off. It might be nice to do other things more often. Though, she reminded herself, there was no guarantee Nira would be around longer than the summer.

  She shuffled along behind Nira, hands in her pockets. When Nira arrived at the door and began fumbling in her pocket, Ashley took her bag of books with a smothered laugh.

  “Don’t laugh at me. I needed those books, Ashley.” Nira’s voice was partially muffled as she unlocked the door. She pushed it open and moved inside, holding it wide so Ashley could follow her in.

  Ashley grinned. “I didn’t say anything. I’m not laughing at you, exactly.”

  Nira huffed, shut the door, and flipped the locks into place. “Then what exactly would you say you’re laughing at, hm?”

  “Well,” Ashley tilted her head and let a crooked smile stretch her lips, “I would just say that I’m happy. Is that alright with you?”

  “Oh.” Visibly caught off-guard, Nira glanced around the apartment and twisted her fingers together. “Okay, then. Uh.” She cleared her throat and tugged the bag free of Ashley’s grip. “Let’s go ahead and try and find a place for these.”

  Feeling victorious, Ashley smirked and followed her further in.

  The view from the door had been limited, with only the edge of the kitchenette and the back of the overstuffed couch clearly visible. Ashley shook her head once she saw the living room. Three bookcases, all crammed to overflowing with books, took up most of the space.

  The television wasn’t big by any means,
and on either side of it (as well as below its stand) more stacks of books were as neatly arranged as possible.

  “So, uh,” Ashley said as a laugh tickled her throat, “you weren’t exaggerating when you said you needed help finding room for your new additions. How many did you get again? Seven?”

  “Six,” Nira corrected. She ignored Ashley’s mirth, staring at the lack of space with trepidation. “I might have to hide more in the cupboards.”